The Quick Fix

quick_fix

Becoming the Captain of My Boat dropped this comment in the This is now thread (emphasis mine):

You know, I found the RP about a year and a half ago. I’ve been working on applying things to my life, and for the most part things are going well.

Most of the articles though are about what to avoid, what to look out for, or how to think about women when you’re in your 20’s. The difficult thing is now being aware and seeing it all around you and being married.

I see the Sandberg quote, I hear it all the time from women in one form or another, and then my wife says similar shit. Like she dated the assholes, or had to find herself. Now I’m like, shit, I’m the nice guy she married. I don’t want to be that guy.
I was the asshole in college, what the fuck happened to me and how do I fix it quick? But there is no quick, once you’re in this it’s an uphill battle, a necessary one, but an uphill battle none the less.

I read the Rational Male, I’ve read a number of the books, but it get’s tricky when you’re already in it.

My wife isn’t a terrible person, and I can see firsthand how all this applies to her, but she isn’t malicious. This is subconscious shit reinforced by all their surroundings. Hell, my own betaization was subconscious shit reinforced by my surroundings.

I can say without a doubt that if your’e not already in a LTR or married and you’re younger than 30-35 don’t get in one. Read this stuff, make yourself a better man, fuck around and “find yourself” then you can get into a LTR, because it’s much harder to take control of a ship and right the course with your now demoted wife psychologically kicking and screaming than it is to captain a boat from the get go and then find a hot, willing first mate along the way when you’re already a seasoned salty captain.

He can only speak for himself of course, but Captian’s situation is not an uncommon one. Far too many men discover too late that the great relationship they swore they had with their wives was founded on their having fulfilled a Blue Pill set of achievements.

This belief is part of the plan Hypergamy had intended for him to follow, but as women’s sexual strategy has become more visible (if not outright flaunted) to him he begins to see the code in the Matrix he’s been a willing participant of. The machinations of Hypergamy are unignorable, or soon will be, but it’s one thing to be single and young enough to be able to leverage that plan to your own benefit when you still have the options and maneuverability to do so – it’s quite another to become aware of your own participation in it once you’re committed legally, emotionally and familially to going along with the plan.

For men, one of the more unfortunate consequences of Open Hypergamy is the degree of comfort their wives have in revealing the part their husbands play(ed) in their sexual strategy. As I’ve mentioned in prior posts, in a previous social order it was simply a matter of course that women should keep the mechanics of Hypergamy secret from the men they paired with in the long term.

Amongst themselves women were (and are) very open and frank about their sexual exploits both in the short term sexual and the long term provisional. I’ve always been convinced that women’s insistence on proliferating the trope of men’s “locker room talk” or ‘Humble-Bragging’ about their sexual conquests is a distraction from their own peer clutch groups congratulating themselves on the successes of their sexual strategy.

In a prior social climate keeping these ‘hen house’ Hypergamous revelations to themselves made sense. There was little point to informing the men they depended upon for parental investment and security that they were really the best available option to be their means to an end.

Not so in the present social climate. There is an eager brazenness on the part of wives to openly explain the part their husbands play(ed) in her Hypergamy. I’d attribute most of this to a social climate that encourages women to believe they have nothing to lose by doing so, but there’s also a want to participate (even if vicariously) in the single-woman peer clutch that has openly embraced revealing the ins and outs of Hypergamy publicly.

It’s a rough transition for men to have their Blue Pill idealisms dispelled by the Red Pill community, but it’s far more devastating for men steeped in Blue Pill merit badge accomplishments to have their wives openly confirm what the Red Pill aware have been trying to awaken him to for some time.

Open Hypergamy isn’t just a game for single women; it’s made its way into contemporary marriages. It’s now part of the egalitarian equalist expectation of men in marriage – that in order for men to truly be men worthy of marrying a co-equal ‘modern woman’ he must dispense with any notion of ownership of her, forgive the worst of her Hypergamous indiscretions as part of her “finding herself” and then accept his role as the Plan B, Beta provider for her in the nick of time to help her fulfill her sexual strategy in the long term. All of this coming with no expectation of any reciprocal value on a woman’s part – in fact to believe so is tantamount to marital rape.

I see the Sandberg quote, I hear it all the time from women in one form or another, and then my wife says similar shit. Like she dated the assholes, or had to find herself. Now I’m like, shit, I’m the nice guy she married. I don’t want to be that guy.

I was the asshole in college, what the fuck happened to me and how do I fix it quick? But there is no quick, once you’re in this it’s an uphill battle, a necessary one, but an uphill battle none the less.

This is the revelation men in this situation find themselves in. Even the men who may have fulfilled the role of “a great living dildo” for women in their 20s can still find that their role may have shifted to that of ‘non-threatening relationship material guy’ who she’d never have sex with on the same night she met him.

Now granted, all of this comes back to the subconscious expectation of cuckoldry women place on the men they cast in the passive, supportive role. Women don’t expect the Beta Bucks men they pair with will ever be the Alpha Fucks men their biochemistry predisposes them to want to fuck. But ‘great Dad’ must believe he was chosen as her best option, her best choice for the balance of the two. Only later, once she’s consolidated on him with family, children, financial and professional liabilities to her, is she comfortable in letting him in on how the game was really played.

As I said, the truth of that is hard enough to hear from Red Pill writers on the internet, but to have it viscerally confirmed by a wife without the social filters of an older social climate is a much harder pill to swallow than the red one.

The Fix is In

That sounds like an awful lot of gloom and doom doesn’t it? I can’t speak for Captain, but a woman delivering the confirmation that a guy is really a Blue Pill consolation prize is rarely couched in so melodramatic and sinister delivery. I’ve had many men (mostly disillusioned husbands from MMSL) relate similar stories as Captain’s and none of them were screaming confessions of deceit on the part of their wives. Most were simply matter of fact comments in passing that aligned with their suspicions about themselves.

I hate to harp on Pixar’s Inside Out cartoon, but it’s the simple everyday open Hypergamy that goes unnoticed by Blue Pill idealists. It takes a Red Pill lens to even be sensitive to it, but when you see how casually the wife/mother in this movie fantasizes about her widowed Alpha, the Alpha fantasy she couldn’t consolidate on, and how frustrated she is every time her Beta husband fails a shit test, you begin to understand the passive nature of an overt Hypergamy in women.

Women get frustrated that Blue Pill men Just Don’t Get It. The Blue Pill idealism blinds them to having the insight needed to realize the role they’re supposed to play and the frustration comes from their being over-supportive and over-engaging in order to make things right for their women. Blue Pill men will graciously ‘play equal’ in their marriages in order to live up to the equalist goal-set they were taught would pay off for them for a lifetime if left uncheck or unchallenged.

It’s my belief that wives will use a married form of open, or certainly casually overt, revelations of Hypergamy in order to rouse a man to a Red Pill awareness in the hopes that he’ll Just Get It.

And to answer the inevitable question, yes, this is a meta-scale shit test on the part of wives. However, it’s important remember that Hypergamy is rooted in existential and life-security doubt for women – “Is he really the best I can do?” – and that the shit tests associated with this vary depending on the influences of a woman’s phase of maturity as well as which part of her menstrual cycle she happens to be in.

Revealing the machinations of Hypergamy to a husband has potentially disastrous consequences, or at least it used to. As I said before, women generally don’t sprout horns and a forked tail and say “Ha ha, sucker!” when they reveal Hypergamy; it’s usually a casual inference. If a Blue Pill husband isn’t Getting It about his participation in women sexual strategy from outside means (media, social networks) then the passive or overt shit tests about his awareness of it need to be implemented.

In a previous social order making men aware of this could just as likely result in a woman being divorced or ostracized socially. Today, in men’s never ending quest to satisfy “equalism’s” approval, men are less likely to even believe their role when a woman confirms it for them. Ego-investments meets cognitive dissonance. Not only does he not get it his ego refuses to get it.

This then is the pathetic state of 80%+ of contemporary men. Men so inured by Blue Pill conditioned idealism that they’ll entertain ‘open marriages‘ in order to make themselves ‘better husbands‘ according to an emasculated equalist ideal.

Help! Quick!

So now we come to a situation like Captains – one where that husband Just Gets It only he’s gotten the message, received the awareness, from his wife (either passively or overtly) and he’s both pissed off at his state and equally wants to improve it. I expect most men would advise Cap to sack up and dump that bitch; and they’d probably be right in that assessment. She was duplicitous and then felt so self-assured in her position (reinforced by feminine primary social influences) that she was comfortable in revealing it to him. What’s he gonna do about it, right?

The right answer is to preemptively detonate the marriage. When you consider he’ll be cast in the role of villain no matter who files for divorce (he’s an asshole, or he’s the asshole who couldn’t meet her needs) why not, right? Any kids, any family discord, certainly the financial liabilities, should all be small shrift, collateral damage, when we look at this in terms of justice. It’s just revenge for her double-cross.

And yet that’s not what the vast majority of men in Cap’s situation first consider. Their first thought is “How do I fix this? I’ve lost Frame! How do I get it back fast! Help?” For all of the duplicity inherent in Hypergamy, for all of the insult that comes from a wife confirming he’s her Beta ‘sure thing’ (not the ‘hawt’ college asshole), that guy still wants to make lemonade from lemons, knowing full well she deserves piss.

That husband wants to still be all things, the mythical Good Guy balance, to his wife. There’s something in men’s romantic natures that wants this to work for themselves and in spite of women who fundamentally lack the capacity to appreciate it.

The first question I think men in this situation need to confront is whether it’s worth the effort to attempt to change their wives’ impression of them. If you’re 35 and (should be) entering your SMV peak years, this open Hypergamy revelation is particularly tough to accept since it’s likely you’ve invested 7-8 years in a woman who’s just told you what you are to her (and confirming it’s not who you are that’s of primary importance to her). As I’ve stated many times before, going from a Beta character to an Alpha (or more Alpha) one is always an uphill battle:

How many of the simpering, socially conditioned, Betatized men these women seeth about would make for believable Alphas once they had a red pill epiphany? It is precisely because of this impressionistic, binary solipsism that women will never be happy with ‘fixing’ their Beta. This is why he has to Just Get It on his own.

It is a far better proposition to impress a woman with an organic Alpha dominance – Alpha can only be a man’s dominant personality origin. There is no Beta with a side of Alpha because that side of Alpha is NEVER believable when your overall perception is one of being Beta to begin with. This is why I stress Alpha traits above all else. It’s easy, and endearing to ‘reveal’ a flash of Beta sensitivity when a woman perceives you as predominantly Alpha. If your personality is predominantly Beta, any sporadic flashes of Alpha will seem like emotional tantrums at best, character flaws at worst.

Women may love the Beta, but they only respect the Alpha.

That’s not to say a real transformation isn’t possible, but rather it’s a question of whether the juice will ever be worth the squeeze. There is no ‘quick fix’, no magical formula that will reverse Frame to your favor. Even if you won the lottery tomorrow, you’d still be a Beta with more money to your openly Hypergamous wife now. Frame establishment (not re-establishment if you never had it to begin with) takes time and active, practicable Red Pill awareness.

As I was telling Goldmund in my interview, that awareness needs to become a man’s internalized nature. He needs to become his own self-important mental point of origin; that and a Red Pill aware nature take time to develop. Anyone telling you they have a ‘one-size-fits-all’ Red Pill solution that ‘guarantees results in your marriage’ is selling you something.

I say they’re selling you something because of one simple truth – no quick fix that could make you seem more Alpha, more like the asshole college guy your wife loved to fuck back in the day will ever be believable to her if it happens overnight. On a root, hindbrain level, your Beta designation was set for your wife when she was having her Epiphany Phase. She knows and is comfortable with what she expects your nature and your character to be.

As I illustrated in Archetypes , women need consistency in behavior – they expect you to be Beta and are so comfortable in that assessment that they feel no guilt and have no fear in revealing to you the role you play for her. Thus, any radical shift in that comfort doesn’t seem genuine, and in fact it seems childish that you wont accept your designation.

So, is it worth it? I think my advice in this instance would be this:

Iron Rule of Tomassi #7
It is always time and effort better spent developing new, fresh, prospective women than it will ever be in attempting to reconstruct a failed relationship. Never root through the trash once the garbage has been dragged to the curb. You get messy, your neighbors see you do it, and what you thought was worth digging for is never as valuable as you thought it was.

Once your wife has openly revealed your part in the plan, you’ve effectively broken up. Logistically that may not be the case, but I think most guys need to see this for what it is; a rejection of a husband’s authority, masculinity, his decisiveness and his capacity to read the nuances in behavior and a society that’s been (sometimes literally) screaming to him to Just Get It.

Your wife’s garbage can was dragged to the curb by your wife’s admissions, only the trash truck never comes for it because you’re committed to that can staying on the curb until you walk away from it. If you go digging through it to find what you think is valuable, prepare to get real dirty and look for a long time.

You’ve effectively been ‘friend zoned’ in your marriage. You may still have sex, you may still share special moments, but never forget, her confessions make you ‘just a friend’ in your marriage.

 


*Standard disclaimer: Yes, men should forego marriage altogether and/or stringently vet women for virginity, homemaking and childrearing. Importing wives from third world countries is duly noted. Rollo Tomassi has been married for 19 years to a magical unicorn he found after being a semi-pro rock star and lives an idyllic life of riches and extravagance. NAWALT. Your milage may vary. See dealer for details.

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Published by Rollo Tomassi

Author of The Rational Male and The Rational Male, Preventive Medicine

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Forge the Sky
Forge the Sky
6 years ago

@shiva I’m not sure any civilization has been more enlightened than this, really. You look back into the philosophical history of India or anywhere else and you can find the saints and wise men, but they’re never the majority. Or even a substantial minority. Knowing how to be proud is the essence of masculinity. Knowing when not to be is the essence of wisdom. But few men are wise. I’m pretty ambivalent about modern mainstream medicine. And work in it. It’s great for crisis circumstances. In other cases it tends to lose the forest for the trees. ‘You have inflammation… Read more »

Forge the Sky
Forge the Sky
6 years ago

@Rollo I got dragged to a yoga class once. The instructor was a super passionate, spiritual type. Everyone treated her like a guru. She was a bit older, but actually kinda cute, so on some impulse I just stared at her as though paying close attention. At some point she saw, locked eyes with me, and waited for me to break, as everyone else in the room would have instantly. I didn’t. She held for maybe 3 seconds, then turned away, and a smile was playing across her face that she tried to suppress. I did this to a prof… Read more »

Softek
Softek
6 years ago

@ Rollo I noticed the other day that the girl would naturally break eye contact after a while, maybe around 5 seconds or so. But she kept coming back for more. Back in the day this girl made fun of me for being creepy because I kept staring at her. Desperate Beta, lol. I had no idea who she was. Just saw her sitting there, and every time she’d look back at me, I’d stare right at her eyes. Kind of had that serial killer thing going on, lol. One time on a college campus, when I had my homeless… Read more »

kfg
kfg
6 years ago

” . . . the person who is supposed to push you off the cliff for having done that to me, has the free will to refuse.”

Exactly. It is not the State that arrests you, it is a policeman.

” Native Americans would have been also right had they succeeded in cleaning up Europe as per your explanation.”

No, as per my explanation they would have been the winner.

Shiva H. P.
Shiva H. P.
6 years ago

“I’m not sure any civilization has been more enlightened than this, really. You look back into the philosophical history of India or anywhere else and you can find the saints and wise men, but they’re never the majority. Or even a substantial minority.” My basic point was not really intended about comparing civilizations. It was about solipsistic hypocrisy that I saw in the thought of some of the posters here of the order of, “If you do it, its charity, if others do, its rape”. Also, Glenn went overboard with “dick sucking” and other things which shows the paranoia of… Read more »

Badpainter
Badpainter
6 years ago

Shiva – “Just my the simple act of pointing out inconsistencies and showing up the mirror gets me and entire non-western world branded as America haters.” I guess that’s because on the one hand you expect something from the West without having to pay for it, and on the other hand you offer criticism of what is given. I called that ingratitude, and as an American it looks like another long winded example of “damned if you do, damned if you don’t. ” Too which I can only say Fuck Off, and fix your own problems. It’s the same with… Read more »

rugby11ljh
rugby11ljh
6 years ago
Reply to  Badpainter

@Forge the sky “Basically it’s like she’s testing your frame first verbally, then if she can’t find an excuse to blow you out she starts checking your emotional congruence by looking at all your tiny facial sub communications (which are harder to fake), then she starts putting herself in your hands to see if you’ve got the balls to make shit happen.” Reads like a good date. “Knowing how to be proud is the essence of masculinity. Knowing when not to be is the essence of wisdom. But few men are wise.” Building in the outdoors gets tho to sink… Read more »

YaReally
6 years ago

@Rollo “Sustain that contact for too long and it triggers defensiveness (creepy) because women interpret it as confrontational (attack posturing).” I agree with the rest of your comment and know the mechanic you’re talking about (I learned the same thing in martial arts when I was younger) but this is something I disagree with now for seduction. The PUA community taught the same thing, where you want to make eye contact but if you hold it too long it becomes creepy…and also we focused a lot on avoiding giving girls eye-contact easily like be aloof and look around instead of… Read more »

Badpainter
Badpainter
6 years ago

YaReally – “This is a really consistent pattern and my buddy finds the exact same thing. This can be done with no previous attraction either, like you can be having a 100% platonic conversation with some store clerk chick and if you lock eyes and slow down and leave pauses etc. after about 10 seconds she’ll lock-in and you’ll feel it feels ‘different’ and the convo will trail off and you’ll see her getting attracted.” So that’s what that is! And I gotta say your description of things, how they are and they work is, for me, incredibly useful. Much… Read more »

Shiva H. P.
Shiva H. P.
6 years ago

“I guess that’s because on the one hand you expect something from the West without having to pay for it, and on the other hand you offer criticism of what is given.” Seems like I touched a raw nerve while speaking the truth. Thats an outrageously unsubstantiated allegation that I have placed an expectation on the West without pay. What has been given to me? what have I criticized about that has been given to me? Either you are hallucinating or projecting some one else onto me. ” I called that ingratitude, and as an American it looks like another… Read more »

Lucien
Lucien
6 years ago

@Aelorne Stopped reading the other advice to you. WTF? It seems to be that you should get over it. According to you, this girl let herself be raped on roofies, multiple times. You are perfectly right to find this deeply disturbing. I would gtfo. I find the other advice bizarre. No, not all women are out there doing shit like that. Jesus. And even if that cuts down your options, that’s totally a reasonable decision. There are definitely girls I would rather be celibate than fuck. If you were pumping and dumping, that would be one thing. But you seem… Read more »

Forge the Sky
Forge the Sky
6 years ago

@Lucien

Seconded. Some of the points earlier were about the futility of finding a perfect, pristine, innocent virgin who’s attractive and in her twenties. And that her perception of you as alpha is more important anyways. But it’s not hard to find girls who weren’t willing participants in multiple drug-fueled rape gangbangs. What the actual fuck.

Forge the Sky
Forge the Sky
6 years ago

@YaReally

Yup, what you’re describing matches my experience well. Like I was saying to Rollo, there does seem to be a variant of direct eye contact that’s sexual rather than aggressive. Like the difference between a smile, and baring your teeth in anger.

Lucien
Lucien
6 years ago

@Aelorne I’m going to say more. The problem for you is this. The reason for your insecurity is this. You are not treating the girl like she deserves. That makes you a beta. This girl is an irredeemable whore. If saying that makes you uncomfortable, you are being beta. She knows that she is. If you treated her accordingly she would respect you (with other consequences, irrelevant to this point). That doesn’t mean the goal is gaining her respect. No. The goal is regaining your f*cking self-respect. Do you know how to show this girl disrespect? That’s the problem. A… Read more »

Lucien
Lucien
6 years ago

On the weakness of younger dudes these days: yeah. I used to be more insecure back when I was a teenager. Changed a lot since then, but the world around me has too. I used to feel threatened by jocks. Now I feel like they might be among the few people left who can actually understand me, who might have something in common with me (manhood of any sort whatsoever). So few of us you have to make alliances wherever you can. You might think it was all good for the last cocks standing, but there are problems. First, it… Read more »

Forge the Sky
Forge the Sky
6 years ago

Lucien, part of the problem is also that most of the few masculine men left are men who are sociopathic enough to ignore all the programing. The typical redpiller – men who are intelligent, well-balanced, and well-intentioned generally, but strong and smart enough to wake up from the matrix – are vanishingly rare. With a lot of girls, you need to either find them in a high-energy, risk-taking state – nightclubs, vacation – or you need to run a pretty warm, friendly sort of game. Old-school masculinity, rough-edged shit, works very well. But only if she has enough social reference… Read more »

rugby11ljh
rugby11ljh
6 years ago
Reply to  Forge the Sky

@Lucien
“Understanding of masculinity is also at an all time low, and everyone fears what they don’t understand. ”
https://m.soundcloud.com/opiate-pusher/deftones-maynard-james-keenan
That’s damn true so true I am going on a walk.

Badpainter
Badpainter
6 years ago

@ Rollo

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2001/04/the-organization-kid/302164/

Goes some way to describing why today’s young men are soft and pliable, and how the FI’s risk aversion has been breeding conformity.

kobayashii1681
6 years ago

Sensei (Rollo): “Aelorne, don’t try to unite morality with Hypergamy, you’ll only end up with a religion you hate.”

Boom!

kfg
kfg
6 years ago

“He doesn’t know how to drive a stick.”

I used letting out a clutch as a simile a bit upstream. It was several minutes after I posted it when I thought, “Oh, wait . . .”

Lucien
Lucien
6 years ago

@Badpainter One of my favorite articles of all time. Perfectly sums up everything that disturbed me throughout high school and college. And absolutely crucial to why manhood is in decline. See, especially, his thing at the end about football. @Forge the Sky “part of the problem is also that most of the few masculine men left are men who are sociopathic enough to ignore all the programing. The typical redpiller – men who are intelligent, well-balanced, and well-intentioned generally, but strong and smart enough to wake up from the matrix – are vanishingly rare.” Couldn’t agree more. In fact, most… Read more »

key
key
6 years ago

ya – good stuff – knew you had a take on it

i was considering selling all my possessions and moving to a cave to play world of warcraft for the rest of my days

Aelorne
6 years ago

@rollo: Question for you about this “being late to the party” dynamic. Part of the reason I resent my girlfriend is all the enormous amounts of CC she rode, and how I never really got into that scene in college (blue pill, not a natural). I resent the dudes who got those things with her, and that she wallowed in an exclusive world of which I was never a part. The weightlifting guru/philosopher Elliott Hulse has a quote about attempting to slay dragons you never got to earlier in life- how it’s wasted effort. Can one ever get over the… Read more »

Aelorne
6 years ago

@Rollo: follow up: this isn’t a question about whether to take the Red Pill and get better with (and enjoy) more and hotter women.

It’s a question about how to cast off the shadow of regret. And if it’s possible.

Aelorne
6 years ago

@Rollo Thank you. Is there a categorical difference between discontent and regret? Regret being retrospective seems to have a quality of permanence, which never allows it to be allayed. For example- I might one day be a musician. That I’m not already is a source of discontent. Action can assuage or even cure this discontent. If, when I’m 74, I’ve still never become a musician- now I have regret, which is not ameliorated by action, like discontent can be. I just.. never was. I can’t go back in time to fix it. That world is closed to me- no self… Read more »

rugby11ljh
rugby11ljh
6 years ago
Reply to  Aelorne

@Aelorne “You [need to get to a point where you] can just relax and breath. Just take your time. Enjoy life. You’ve got to become a lot more Yin in your behaviors and attitudes. That place of low stress, high integrity about of the choices you make about your nutrition and the rest that you give your body will … preserve the foundation of vitality that was there when you were young … that allows you to do that you to do a select amount of physical activity that you deem important to you and your self development.” Brother I’m… Read more »

Dutchman
Dutchman
6 years ago

This post really hit close to home. My wife used to see me as really alpha. After kids, and 15 years of marriage, I’m definitely beta in her mind. We are now down to having sex about once a month.

I have to wonder, when a woman will only have sex with her husband once a month, why does she do it at all? Is it just a keeping up appearances thing or is that she is very occasionally able to look past the betaness and still find her husband sexy?

kfg
kfg
6 years ago

@Aelorne:

The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The next best time is now. Live in the now. If you had lived one of all those lives that you didn’t, the one you did live would be one of those lives you regret not having lived. You can’t choose what to do yesterday, but you can certainly choose what to do tomorrow, and tomorrow is coming down the pike at you. Why not prepare to meet it, rather than let it run you over while you look behind?

@Dutchman:

MikePhil
MikePhil
6 years ago

@ Dutchman –

My two cents; it’s the intermittent reward that keeps the gambler going back to the slot machine, not the regular payoff that keeps it exciting. Intermittent reward is the bare minimum paid out that keeps the steady flow of cash, security, validation and social proof coming her way.

I’ve been there myself so good luck to you.

Aelorne
6 years ago

@Rollo @kfg: Thank you. I guess my only coping mechanism is focusing on now, since it’s clear that regretting past inaction instead of acting is a vicious cycle of continued inaction and regret. KFG: epic words, but I think there is some objectivity to certain experiences being less regretful: I definitely don’t regret the possibility of having spent my college career in prison. Not every potential experience is of equal value and thus innately interchangeable- the opportunity cost of some is far higher than others. Likewise- I truly DO regret having missed the opportunity for being a college player (especially… Read more »

rugby11ljh
rugby11ljh
6 years ago
Reply to  Aelorne

@Aelorne “I know that the inspiration for that improvement is inexorably bound to the regret I missed out for 10 years.” Brother I am your age and I was feed an unhealthily dose of social bullshit that usually ended in being humiliated in social situations where I would bring up the irony of social morality and the party girls who would dress up and look super “decent” on the Sundays for church than super ready to bang on the Fridays for those party’s you think you missed out on. Maybe we both did? Maybe the correct response at 16 was… Read more »

Blaximus
Blaximus
6 years ago

” (easier to regret not studying for a test than to regret being born a particular race, or never having become a doctor, or something along those lines- if you catch my drift).”

Wtf?

….regret being born a particular race

*thinking…should I just let this monumental bullshit slide….*thinking, thinking….

Aight. Whatever man.

Blaximus
Blaximus
6 years ago

Regret is one of the most useless of emotional feelings known to man. Fuck regret. Either do a thing, or don’t do a thing, but let that fucking thing go. It’s your choice how long you allow shit to haunt your thoughts. I’ve tried to do everything I wanted to do, within reason. There were some things that just didn’t work out. I do not regret. Stop making excuses and do some ” things “. You’ll find some satisfying, some you’ll figure out wasn’t all that it was thought to be. You get 1 life for a limited time. You… Read more »

kfg
kfg
6 years ago

Merciful Father, I have squandered my days with plans of many things. This was not among them. But at this moment I beg only to live the next few minutes well. -The 13th Warrior

dutchman
dutchman
6 years ago

@MikePhil

If you don’t mind sharing, how did it play out?

MikePhil
MikePhil
6 years ago

@Dutchman Divorce! And believe me, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Looking backward from where I stand now, I can see the slow erosion of the sexual frequency as a means of controlling me, and I just stayed and took it because I believed then I had to be the “ideal, loving’ supporting husband.” I was raised to be unfailingly supportive and the complete Prince Charming to keep a woman in my life. And you know what? Every sacrifice I made, every week of no sex, every excuse I made for her less than perfect behavior… Read more »

Seething Lurker
Seething Lurker
6 years ago

I was in a similar position as MikePhil; sex dropping off to once or twice a month, with no hope in site.  And she channeled the FI:  “What’s wrong with sex once or twice a month?”  There was the added dynamic where she had gained enough weight so that my attraction was greatly diminished and the sex that we did have was unsatisfying, to say the least.  I confronted her about the sex and weight issues and she strung me along for years.  Of course, there was every excuse in the book for the weight gain.  When I walked out… Read more »

Seething Lurker
Seething Lurker
6 years ago

“You can spend minutes , hours, days, weeks or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve been, would’ve happened…or you can leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.”

– Tupac Shakur

Dutchman
Dutchman
6 years ago

@Seething Lurker

My situation is the reverse: My wife has lost a lot of weight and looks great.

Chump No More
Chump No More
6 years ago

@Dutchman
Fyi, she didn’t do it for you, something’s in motion… she’s either branch swinging or preparing to. Be vigilant and be prepared… if you haven’t done so already, start protecting your assets as much as you’re able.

And no, I’m not cynical (much), I’ve just seen way too much tragic shit.

MikePhil
MikePhil
6 years ago

@Chump –

Exactly. Look out for a sudden interest in physical fitness and her appearance. She’s sprucing up the property so it can go at a higher price out in the market. Bear in mind, she’s not doing it for YOU, but your eventual replacement.

Every man has these same experiences in his life, but isolation and ignorance prevents us from comparing those first person perspectives. And if your gut is ringing alarm bells, trust it.

kfg
kfg
6 years ago

@Dutchman: The video I posted was long and rather rigorous in its reasoning, so you may not have made it all the way through. Let me boil it down for you – what Chump No More said. Sex waning, her looks waxing, she’s on the move. In fact, it’s likely she already has moved and everyone knows it but you. Your best bet is the preemptive nuclear strike. Lawyer up, get all your ducks in a row, then you file. She’s playing a longer strategy, so a quick and decisive blast will upset her apple cart and give you an… Read more »

Dutchman
Dutchman
6 years ago

@Chump No More

Believe me, it’s crossed my mind.

@kfg

I have not had a chance to watch all of it yet. I’m mentally prepared for it. I don’t have any intention of filing. I don’t WANT to be divorced, but if she wants to divorce me, so be it.

Dutchman
Dutchman
6 years ago

I should add that the reason she lost the weight is that he had weight loss surgery and has kept it off for about 4 years now. It’s not been a sudden occurrence.

kfg
kfg
6 years ago

” I don’t have any intention of filing. I don’t WANT to be divorced,”

Exactly.

” . . .if she wants to divorce me, so be it.”

Be prepared. The preparation is nothing more than making yourself stronger. Strength is useful. Weakness is not a virtue. Your wife takes this as an axiom.

“It’s not been a sudden occurrence.”

Q.E.D. with regards to the time factor of her strategy.

Chump No More
Chump No More
6 years ago

@Dutchman

I agree with @kfg. Trust me, she has a plan (everything is related, always) and you should too.

At the very least, become well acquainted with your rights and have a plan to protect your assets, for you and your kids, when she pulls the trigger.

The best money you will ever spend will be a consult with the smartest. most aggressive divorce lawyer in your area. This serves two purposes, 1st you will be educated, 2nd that’s one lawyer she wont be able to use against you.

Dutchman
Dutchman
6 years ago

I’m sure it sounds clichéd, but I have a really hard time picturing her actually going through with it. Famous last words, I guess. I will do my own research about the divorce laws in my state. I don’t want to spend money on a lawyer at this point. I’m usually very perceptive, and while the sex has definitely dried up, I don’t “smell” divorce at this point.

teddj4g
teddj4g
6 years ago

Dutchman – I still occasionally can’t believe my ex blew up out marriage. I get it. I know why it happened. But pre-red Pill I never saw that she had it her to divorce. She proved AWALT, they all just have different triggers and thresholds. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. My .02 worth.

Dutchman
Dutchman
6 years ago

Family court judges (I have no first hand experience with them) have always struck me as the biggest white knights on the planet. Can anyone confirm?

Dutchman
Dutchman
6 years ago

Let me say also that I am completely onboard with the red pill, and have read CH for years and TRM for months. I’ve just not been terribly successful at or determined to put the lessons into practice. I actually didn’t feel like I needed to bother until recently. Pretty dumb.

kfg
kfg
6 years ago

It’s not true. Some of them are anti-male, female feminists. Some of them are just assholes. Family court is the least desirable judicial position. If someone wants it, they have a nasty little private agenda going. Most of them are there as a form of punishment by the system, sometimes political, but usually for lack of legal competence. They all have a financial incentive to support women and ass rape men. It works as an industry. That’s why crack addict mothers get custody “in the best interests of the child.” That’s where the money is. My first hand experience of… Read more »

rugby11ljh
rugby11ljh
6 years ago
Reply to  kfg

@Dutchman “Family court judges (I have no first hand experience with them) have always struck me as the biggest white knights on the planet. Can anyone confirm?” From my little experience in court it’s inherently one sided for whatever purpose. Kfg has probably more experience than I do. Took my bike to Moab once and slept on someone’s lawn got sent to jail for a day and heard the cop after I was handcuffed admit how stupid it was. Got to see a lot of native Americans who where able to do some amazing tattoo artwork. I asked what they… Read more »

Chump No More
Chump No More
6 years ago

@Dutchman
Like @TedD, pre-red-pill, I never saw it coming with my *two* ex wives. Yes, don’t kid yourself, AWALT.

With regards to family courts, I don’t have any experience in getting reamed. 1st ex abandoned me & kids to be with old HS flame (total loser)… she paid me child support. 2nd ex made more than I did and I got other concessions in not demanding alimony. Yes, I’m a complete outlier.

Dutchman
Dutchman
6 years ago

@kfg

What is the financial incentive, particularly for those judges who are not elected officials? Their salary certainly isn’t in any danger.

kfg
kfg
6 years ago

It depends on the jurisdiction and it’s been some time since I cared to keep current at that level. It is common for the court to take a 10% cut of child support payments, which is why they can get so outrageous, plus they get a kickback from the national government if “abuse” is involved, hence the mechanism, supported by the court system itself, to encourage women to say “I’m afraid.” Those are magic words that set an entire mechanism into motion. The truth of them doesn’t matter much, because it would cost money for them to be denied. If… Read more »

Luxocrat
Luxocrat
6 years ago

Here I was, typing out what reminded me of my thesis and the site just blinked out on me and did the “Aw snap, something went wrong. Hit reload”. Three paragraphs in! Ostensibly, that was a good thing because I had not bothered to read the first 20 comments to this and, having done so, I am really just repeating the story, albeit with my soon-to-be ex-wife and my now ex-girlfriend. Amazing, huh? After living alone for some time, moving out of my own brownstone, getting an office/apartment elsewhere in Brooklyn, then a huge place for myself in the Dominican… Read more »

Luxocrat
Luxocrat
6 years ago

That was an excellent read, Rollo. Much appreciated. Will bear this is mind daily.

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[…] The Quick Fix […]

alchemist
alchemist
5 years ago

was following the @Aelorne conversation with @yareally and @rollo, as the whole alpha widow concept if one of particular interest for me given recent experience, and as a general aspect of TRP theory. I guess my questions is: Sure, its typical to discuss past sexual experiences with a plate (mostly to serve my interests in understanding her proclivities, buttons, daddy issues lol etc), but how do you really go deeper into specific past lovers, extent of alpha without coming off as totally needy, nosey, insecure or like you are qualifying her as an LTR? For someone considering an LTR, this… Read more »

ollieoxenfree1
4 years ago

Iron Rule of Tomassi #7 ‘It is always time and effort better spent developing new, fresh, prospective women than it will ever be in attempting to reconstruct a failed relationship. Never root through the trash once the garbage has been dragged to the curb. You get messy, your neighbors see you do it, and what you thought was worth digging for is never as valuable as you thought it was.’ This is gold, right here. I’ve always been a person who thinks he can fix people. Women especially. This unfortunate mindset started with my mother. I couldn’t fix her so… Read more »

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[…] was undergoing a process of betaization — my will was weaker, and I could feel it. I was a shadow of the man who had entered the […]

Olie Sins
4 years ago

This has got to be hard for Captain. The only real solution is to, as Rollo said, detonate the marriage, and fuck the rest. I’ve never been in this situation, but I imagine going through a divorce, dealing with the kids, the financial back and forth of it all, must be a real headache, to put it lightly. It’s easy for some of us who have never been married to tell Captain that he should leave the bitch (duh). And he absolutely should, but damn, that’s got to be hard. I’ll never know what that’s like, thank God. Good luck… Read more »

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