Rooting through garbage

HELP! I fucked up big time and I want her back! How do I get her back?

Easily one of the most common questions I’ve fielded at SoSuave over the past 7 years has been some variation of “how do I get her back?” It’s common for a reason; at some stage of life every guy believes that rejection is worse than regret. Lord knows I tried to recover an old lover or two in my own past. Whether due to infidelity on her part, your own or a regression back beta after initiating an LTR, there is one Iron Rule you should always refer back to:

Iron Rule of Tomassi #7
It is always time and effort better spent developing new, fresh, prospective women than it will ever be in attempting to reconstruct a failed relationship. Never root through the trash once the garbage has been dragged to the curb. You get messy, your neighbors see you do it, and what you thought was worth digging for is never as valuable as you thought it was.

Even if you could go back to where you were, any relationship you might have with an ex will be colored by all of the issues that led up to the breakup. In other words, you know what the end result of those issues has been. It will always be the 800 pound. gorilla in the room in any future relationship. As I elaborated in the Desire Dynamic, healthy relationships are founded on genuine mutual desire, not a list of negotiated terms and obligations, and this is, by definition, exactly what any post-breakup relationship necessitates. You or she may promise to never do something again, you may promise to “rebuild the trust”, you may promise to be someone else, but you cannot promise to accept that the issues leading up to the breakup don’t have the potential to dissolve it again. The doubt is there. You may be married for 30 years, but there will always be that one time when you two broke up, or she fucked that other guy, and everything you think you’ve built with her over the years will always be compromised by that doubt of her desire.

You will never escape her impression that you were so optionless you had to beg her to rekindle her intimacy with you.


15 responses to “Rooting through garbage

  • MacAgent

    Iron Rule of Tomassi #7
    It is always time and effort better spent developing new, fresh, prospective women than it will ever be in attempting to reconstruct a failed relationship. Never root through the trash once the garbage has been dragged to the curb. You get messy, your neighbors see you do it, and what you thought was worth digging for is never as valuable as you thought it was.

    Amen!

    “You will never escape her impression that you were so optionless you had to beg her to rekindle her intimacy with you.” Wish I was reading this stuff 5 yrs ago… so much wasted time and energy.

  • Neecy

    Rollo,

    This is such sound quality advice. How much drama is there when people break up and make up? I cannot tell you how annoying it is when you have a friend who keeps going back with their ex going through the same BS or new BS b/c they are still trying to deal with the original reasons for breaking up. When its done its done. leave it alone and move forward. My philosophy is – if people were really meant to be together, they would not really have to break up.

    I just think some people thrive on drama and this is the perfect set up in most cases – not all, but most.

  • Deep Dish

    I’m sure there is much which can be said about always being the dumper, if you can. If you can smell a dump is approaching, those subtle signs of waning attraction and loss of interest, preemptively dump before you are dumped. The person who walks away first always has the upper hand, whereas the person dumped endures the most suffering—it’s best it not be you.

    To quote from The Anti Dr Phil on Sosuave: “Most men don’t want to endure the thought of another man invading his territory; another man laying his woman. It doesn’t matter if a man’s woman is the most evil creature on the planet, a man doesn’t want to endure that thought. People (men and women) are territorial, and people find it difficult to walk away because of the aforementioned reason… The person who chooses to ride it out is usually left with the most emotionally baggage/battle scars, and their self esteem takes an even greater hit. Not only will said individual be left with the unnerving feeling that they didn’t have the strength to leave first, they are left toiling in emotional uncertainty wondering what you’re doing, “who you’re doing”, and why you didn’t attempt to work things out.”

  • Good Luck Chuck

    The pre-emptive dump is the ONLY way to retain any semblance of dignity when a woman has one foot out the door.

    Worked like a charm on the strip club bartender from last year. By playing my hand the way I did it not only allowed me to save face with myself but we also had mutual friends so it served to maintain my reputation in the social group. Her girlfriends got an extra special kick out of the fact that I dumped her via text.

  • Phoenix

    Girls love the drama. Guys don’t want it, but they’re willing to dish it out.

    Going back and trying to make things work with your Ex is a loss-loss scenario.
    If the girl gets dumped, she’ll want her Ex back. Which will eliminate future suitors who would have been good for her.
    If the guy gets dumped, he’ll lose confidence and won’t be able to find a new girl until he picks himself back up.

  • Atl Man

    This Iron Rule belongs everywhere. Rollo, you are doing top quality, Max Q work with this blog. Bless you. Will you be doing a blog topic on all your Iron Rules at some point?

  • Neecy

    @ PHOENIX

    I agree Phoenix. Some people are just wired for the drama. Its gets exhausting when you are the friend with the listening ear when things ONCE AGAIN and not surprisingly are not working out as expected. But wouldn’t it matter as to why the person got dumped on whether that would effect their confidence or self esteem?

    For instance if a guy got dumped for being a jerk or for cheating he may not feel a loss of confidence or his esteem may not take a hit and same for a girl. But if he/she got dumped b/c he/she thinks there is someone as better potential as a mate then it could be hard.

    I wonder what percentage of the time men do the dumping vs. women. I’m guessing less? Hmmm. my mom always told me that men never close the door and that if I was unhappy then it would have to be me (the woman) to do it b/c guys hardly ever do the dumping – even when the relationship is bad. This may be changing but I do wonder.

  • detinennui32

    What are the other Iron Rules of Tomassi and where can I find them?

  • ♠A

    Possibly the best “Break up” song for men ever:

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