Rooting through garbage

HELP! I fucked up big time and I want her back! How do I get her back?

Easily one of the most common questions I’ve fielded at SoSuave over the past 7 years has been some variation of “how do I get her back?” It’s common for a reason; at some stage of life every guy believes that rejection is worse than regret. Lord knows I tried to recover an old lover or two in my own past. Whether due to infidelity on her part, your own or a regression back beta after initiating an LTR, there is one Iron Rule you should always refer back to:

Iron Rule of Tomassi #7
It is always time and effort better spent developing new, fresh, prospective women than it will ever be in attempting to reconstruct a failed relationship. Never root through the trash once the garbage has been dragged to the curb. You get messy, your neighbors see you do it, and what you thought was worth digging for is never as valuable as you thought it was.

Even if you could go back to where you were, any relationship you might have with an ex will be colored by all of the issues that led up to the breakup. In other words, you know what the end result of those issues has been. It will always be the 800 pound. gorilla in the room in any future relationship. As I elaborated in the Desire Dynamic, healthy relationships are founded on genuine mutual desire, not a list of negotiated terms and obligations, and this is, by definition, exactly what any post-breakup relationship necessitates. You or she may promise to never do something again, you may promise to “rebuild the trust”, you may promise to be someone else, but you cannot promise to accept that the issues leading up to the breakup don’t have the potential to dissolve it again. The doubt is there. You may be married for 30 years, but there will always be that one time when you two broke up, or she fucked that other guy, and everything you think you’ve built with her over the years will always be compromised by that doubt of her desire.

You will never escape her impression that you were so optionless you had to beg her to rekindle her intimacy with you.

Published by Rollo Tomassi

Author of The Rational Male and The Rational Male, Preventive Medicine

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MacAgent
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MacAgent

Iron Rule of Tomassi #7 It is always time and effort better spent developing new, fresh, prospective women than it will ever be in attempting to reconstruct a failed relationship. Never root through the trash once the garbage has been dragged to the curb. You get messy, your neighbors see you do it, and what you thought was worth digging for is never as valuable as you thought it was. Amen! “You will never escape her impression that you were so optionless you had to beg her to rekindle her intimacy with you.” Wish I was reading this stuff 5… Read more »

Neecy
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Rollo, This is such sound quality advice. How much drama is there when people break up and make up? I cannot tell you how annoying it is when you have a friend who keeps going back with their ex going through the same BS or new BS b/c they are still trying to deal with the original reasons for breaking up. When its done its done. leave it alone and move forward. My philosophy is – if people were really meant to be together, they would not really have to break up. I just think some people thrive on drama… Read more »

Deep Dish
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Deep Dish

I’m sure there is much which can be said about always being the dumper, if you can. If you can smell a dump is approaching, those subtle signs of waning attraction and loss of interest, preemptively dump before you are dumped. The person who walks away first always has the upper hand, whereas the person dumped endures the most suffering—it’s best it not be you. To quote from The Anti Dr Phil on Sosuave: “Most men don’t want to endure the thought of another man invading his territory; another man laying his woman. It doesn’t matter if a man’s woman… Read more »

Good Luck Chuck
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Good Luck Chuck

The pre-emptive dump is the ONLY way to retain any semblance of dignity when a woman has one foot out the door.

Worked like a charm on the strip club bartender from last year. By playing my hand the way I did it not only allowed me to save face with myself but we also had mutual friends so it served to maintain my reputation in the social group. Her girlfriends got an extra special kick out of the fact that I dumped her via text.

Phoenix
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Phoenix

Girls love the drama. Guys don’t want it, but they’re willing to dish it out.

Going back and trying to make things work with your Ex is a loss-loss scenario.
If the girl gets dumped, she’ll want her Ex back. Which will eliminate future suitors who would have been good for her.
If the guy gets dumped, he’ll lose confidence and won’t be able to find a new girl until he picks himself back up.

Atl Man
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Atl Man

This Iron Rule belongs everywhere. Rollo, you are doing top quality, Max Q work with this blog. Bless you. Will you be doing a blog topic on all your Iron Rules at some point?

Neecy
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@ PHOENIX I agree Phoenix. Some people are just wired for the drama. Its gets exhausting when you are the friend with the listening ear when things ONCE AGAIN and not surprisingly are not working out as expected. But wouldn’t it matter as to why the person got dumped on whether that would effect their confidence or self esteem? For instance if a guy got dumped for being a jerk or for cheating he may not feel a loss of confidence or his esteem may not take a hit and same for a girl. But if he/she got dumped b/c… Read more »

detinennui32
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detinennui32

What are the other Iron Rules of Tomassi and where can I find them?

♠A
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♠A

Possibly the best “Break up” song for men ever:

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[…] However, the far more entrapping situation is being the ‘sure thing’ in this episode. AFC guys resort to ‘sure thing’ thinking constantly, but it’s not uncommon for women too. What tends to happen when we find ourselves at the end of an immersing LTR is that we look for what rewarded us prior to our involvement with the monogamous relationship. Naturally, monogamy requires the lion’s share of our attentions, so when that attention is freed as the result of a break up, the automatic response is to seek out what had previously rewarded us with good feelings (sex). So… Read more »

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[…] You’re feeling hopeless about her and your present condition because the cessation of what you’ve mistaken as a reward for so long is now out of reach. You need to understand that what you want to go back to isn’t what you think it is, nor will it ever “get better”. Even if you could reengage with her, it will never be what you think it could. […]

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[…] Link: Rooting through garbage | – The Rational Male […]

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[…] her ending our relationship.  At last it is over and this relationship will have to go out like yesterdays garbage.  At least I am not burdened by any desire to reconnect with her […]

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[…] Next, remember Iron Rule of Tomassi #7: […]

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[…] guys go searching for answers about how they can get back with an ex, or why their last LTR imploded on them because they went too Beta or didn’t understand the […]

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[…] Iron Rule of Tomassi #7 It is always time and effort better spent developing new, fresh, prospective women than it will ever be in attempting to reconstruct a failed relationship. Never root through the trash once the garbage has been dragged to the curb. You get messy, your neighbors see you do it, and what you thought was worth digging for is never as valuable as you thought it was. […]

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[…] –I think I know what you mean. Also, recently I had a girl asking me to be exclusive and I said nope. Also, an ex can be a sure thing, but don’t rely on them. It’ll never be as good as it used to be. […]

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[…] Rollo has two great posts on this War Brides and Rooting Through Garbage. […]

Thomas
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Thomas

Dear Rollo,

I am looking for some good advice. I recently got out of two and a half year long relationship, where I was engaged for the last 10 months. It was a long distance relationship, living about 2 hours apart most of the time. It ended in November.

I’m looking for some advice on how I can move on from my past relationship and my ex, and to find the quickest way to get back on my feet to meet new women.

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[…] worth the effort, and I’ll acknowledge that here first, but are you a victim of endlessly rooting through garbage to reestablish an Alpha impression for your wife that she’s reserved for her Plan B […]

Robert Kozanis
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Robert Kozanis

Hello! I’m a married 60 year old man, new to the Red Pill reality and agree that desire in a relationship is necessary– not something that you “negotiate”. I’m seriously thinking of leaving my wife of 31 years. ( I was her ” Plan B”, I now realize) How fucked is that!?? Anyway, I am a semi-retired doctor in great shape and health, independently wealthy( even if we get divorced), and the kids are on their own. My questions are: What is the RP reality at MY age? How do I avoid being some ones ” beta bucks”? Where would… Read more »

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[…] Unfortunately, the Red Pill is not a salve for Blue Pill disillusionment. It’s a cure, not a bandaid. I tried to succinctly address this in the 7th Iron Rule of Tomassi: […]

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[…] I mentioned in the beginning of this series that married (committed) men seeking to reconstruct themselves within that context ought to read the post for the Iron Rule of Tomassi #7: […]

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[…] Rooting Through The Garbage by Rollo […]

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[…] Unfortunately, the Red Pill is not a salve for Blue Pill disillusionment. It’s a cure, not a bandaid. I tried to succinctly address this in the 7th Iron Rule of Tomassi: […]

jim t
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jim t

While I can appreciate this advice, is there any way to get back into a relationship by rebuilding attraction? (without begging her to rekindle intimacy, etc.?)
I like your content and bought one of your books (planning to buy the other), but this doesn’t really answer the question. I’m sure there’s one way or another to do this without seeming like a loser.

Anonymous Reader
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Anonymous Reader

Jim t, suggest you copy and paste this comment either into the current thread or Field Reports.
This is Rollo’s site not mine, but I will suggest the original Male Action Plan by Athol Kay is one path to take, but there are a lot of details you need to consider. You are at the right site for this topic.

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[…] I had with Helen, but this time it was for a different girl — a girl I’ve dumped. Why the heck was I sifting through garbage? I don’t know, but in my dream it made […]

eghost247
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Reblogged this on eghost247.

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[…] but sometimes the temptation of a tried and tested pussy is too much). To quote Rollo’s Iron Law #7: “Never root through the trash once the garbage has been dragged to the curb.” But if […]

Oliver
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Oliver

Rollo, Of all the iron laws this one #7 is the one that fascinates me the most. It would certainly have given me more clarity on some situations earlier in my life. But my question is this. Do you think this rule also applies to friendships as well as romantic relationships? Even long term friendships; people we have known for a long time, if there are nasty fallouts do you believe it is always better to write them off and move on even if there is a lot of history and a bond built up over a long time? Just… Read more »

C
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C

It is hard to fully comprehend the amount of suffering this post has prevented from coming into this world.

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