Making Up for Missing Out

Making_up

Back in February I had an interesting exchange with commenter TuffLove. The conversation focused on his recent singleness due to his wife of 20-some years feeling the call of the Alpha and decided cheat on him, later divorce him and then take up with an even more Beta fellow not long after her ‘fling’ (his story). You can read the whole exchange here if you like, but what TuffLove describes is a textbook example of the Alpha re-interest impulse that defines the Development and Redevelopment/Reinsurance phases I outlined in the Preventative Medicine Series.

Not to rub salt in the wound, but you and your ex’s story is a cliché now. It’s the “making up for missing out” story. Woman marries early, cashes her chips in before she knows better, lives vicariously through her single girlfriends until such time that the “Alpha” she knew at 20 is the hapless Beta she’s saddled with at 39.

Divorce porn media convinces her to bail out and get with the Alpha she’s always missed for all that time. She did everything in reverse – Beta comfort and dependability through her party years, to be traded for Alpha excitement before it’s too late.

I was inspired to sift back through my comments for this conversation, because I was also made aware of a new example of both this phase’s dynamic and the divorce-porn industry that will inevitably find some very fertile soil to plant itself in.

This example comes to us courtesy of Robin Rinaldi, author of The Wild Oats Project. This book and the “experiment in cuckoldry” such as it was, centers on, you guessed it, a 40-something woman who abandons her marriage for one year to bang the random men she was prevented from fucking by being married to her dependable, unexciting Beta husband. Granted, the husband didn’t want children and this contention resulted in him getting a vasectomy – his only act of Alpha with her as far as I know. Her childlessness is of course her go-to victimization card she hopes will endear feminine sympathy for her taking matters into her own hands for a year.

The de rigueur rationalizations and appeals to womanly “self-discovery” are handed out like the M&Ms any Red Pill man will come to expect, but I’m drawing attention to this book because it has the potential to be the next step in the 50 Shades of Grey evolution of Open Hypergamy:

Get ready for “The Wild Oats Project.” And not just the book. Get ready for “The Wild Oats Project” phenomenon — the debates, the think pieces, the imitators and probably the movie. Get ready for orgasmic meditation and the Three Rules. Get ready for “My Clitoris Deals Solely in Truth” T-shirts.

On a social scale it seem like the next deductive next step – blend a justifiable Eat Pray Love narrative with the more visceral (yet unignorable) sexuality of 50 Shades and women will readily consume it. I expect there will be the same hamster spinnings of NAWALT and most women respect their marriage vows, but it still wont wash with the overwhelming ‘guilty pleasure’ popularity that 50 Shades exposed on a large scale.

Writers like Rinaldi and E.L. James have tapped into the Alpha Fucks / Beta Bucks anxiety rooted in women’s primal insecurity inherent in doubting their optimization of Hypergamy. If appealing to visceral sex sells products to men, appealing to the inherent ‘you-only-live-once’ insecurity of feminine Hypergamy sells to women – and women being the primary consumers in western society, sell it does.

Commenter jf12 related something Ballista posted on his blog recently:

Ballista asks, on his site, “why is divornography (divorce pornography) marketed exclusively to women? Why are there articles in women’s magazines and romance novels for women like Eat Pray Love that glamorize divorce, but nothing of the sort exists or is marketed to men? Why is there no male divorce porn, no stories of men divorcing their obese, aging harpy wives, liberating themselves from their marriage vows, and ending up living happily ever after banging large-breasted 21 year-old lingerie models?”

Can you imagine the uproar? Can you feel the Love yet?

Since the start of the sexual revolution there’s been a social undercurrent of excusable, justifiable comeuppance for any gender related imbalance women have been taught to believe that men are enjoying or benefitting from. Whatever male-specific indignation that would reflect negatively on men becomes a form of empowerment for women – particularly if that indignation facilitates men’s sexual strategy at the expense of women’s. Thus a woman taking a yearlong break from her marriage to bed as many men as she cares to indulge (fully expecting to come back to her dutiful Beta husband afterwards) is cast as an iconoclastic hero for casting off “patriarchal sexual repression.”

Furthermore, it’s only a small step to wipe the accountability of her actions off on the horrible man who wont cooperate by doing his duty to fulfill her sexual strategy. There is no more permanent a devotion to the male sexual strategy than to get a vasectomy and thus deny a woman the ultimate culmination of her own. If you ever want to experience just how close to livestock the Feminine Imperative considers men to be, just try getting a vasectomy before you’re married or without a wife’s explicit and written consent. Legally it’s easier to geld horses or neuter dogs.

It’s important to consider how the doubt over past hypergamous choices effects a mature woman. When a woman has passed through her Epiphany Phase and become a never-married woman into her late 30s the mindset becomes one of self-justification. This is similar to the Kate Bolick effect whereby a woman has very little choice but to live with her past intimate decisions and convert necessities into virtues. She embraces a ready-made empowerment narrative wherein she convinces herself that her choices were the bold, unconventional ones she needed in order to grow.

Next and most commonly is the woman who consolidated on a man’s commitment once she’d become less sexually competitive just prior to 30. I can’t be sure, but it’s likely that Rinaldi falls into this demo, the schedule more or less plays the same.

From Preventative Medicine IV:

Redevelopment / Reinsurance

The Redevelopment phase can either be a time of relational turmoil or one of a woman reconciling her hypergamous balance with the man she’s paired with.

The security side of this hypergamous balance has been established for her long term satisfaction and the Alpha reinterest begins to chafe at the ubiquitous certainty of that security. Bear in mind that the source of this certainty need not come from a provider male. There are a lot of eventualities to account for. It may come from a ‘never married’ woman’s capacity to provide it for herself, the financial support levied from a past husband(s) or father(s) of her children, government subsidies, family money, or any combination thereof.

In any event, while security may still be an important concern, the same security becomes stifling for her as she retrospectively contemplates the ‘excitement’ she used to enjoy with former, now contextually Alpha, lovers, or perhaps the “man her husband used to be”

The Soul-Mate Mistake

Vox had an astute observation about this phenomenon not too long ago:

Alpha Widowhood is a description of an observed behavior, not a cruel invention of the Game theoreticians meant to plague BETA husbands and give them sleepless nights:

“Steve has been with me for the past 50 years and Ron for 47. Neither is the man I am married to, nor have I seen or spoken to either since our love affairs ended in my 20s. All the same, there is no denying they have both messed with my marriage to Olly, the man who has been by my side for the past 40 years.

I found myself thinking about them both as I read recent research that suggested women who played the field before marriage are unhappier with their lot than those who entered matrimony virginal.
Angela Neustatter has often questioned what life would have been like had she married another man

Angela Neustatter has often questioned what life would have been like had she married another man.”

I think it’s important to remember that an Alpha Widow doesn’t even necessarily need to have slept with a man she considered ‘Alpha’ from her past to feel the Alpha Widow effect:

Five minutes of alpha — even worse, five minutes of alpha rejection — can fuck with the heads of even the most desirable women. And continue fucking with them years later. In comparison — if the reports are to be believed — women who divorce beta schlubs after years of marriage pretty much forget them before the ink is dry on the papers.

Sometimes being an Alpha Widow means hypergamic ‘rumination’ over a better Alpha option a woman missed or was rejected by in her past in comparison to the guy she “settled on” for marriage. This is particularly significant if that guy was a woman’s Plan B husband. It’s not just the actual Alphas she banged back in the day, you’re competing with an imagined ideal and the more women are empowered and encouraged to feel secure in exploring their hypergamous options (i.e. correct their ‘soul mate’ mistake) the more you’ll read stories like this.

However, for all intents and purposes my instincts tell me Rinaldi falls into the “making up for missing out” demographic. On whole this demo of women can eventually become the worst self-inflicted Alpha Widows in their latter years. I let Rinaldi explain…

“I refuse to go to my grave with no children and only four lovers,” she declares. “If I can’t have one, I must have the other.”

If you’re wondering why that is the relevant trade-off, stop overthinking this. “The Wild Oats Project” is the year-long tale of how a self-described “good girl” in her early 40s moves out, posts a personal ad “seeking single men age 35-50 to help me explore my sexuality,” sleeps with roughly a dozen friends and strangers, and joins a sex commune, all from Monday to Friday, only to rejoin Scott on weekends so they can, you know, work on their marriage.

[…] One of her oldest friends calls her out. “How is sleeping with a lot of guys going to make you feel better about not having kids?” she asks. Rinaldi’s answer: “Sleeping with a lot of guys is going to make me feel better on my deathbed. I’m going to feel like I lived, like I didn’t spend my life in a box. If I had kids and grandkids around my deathbed, I wouldn’t need that. Kids are proof that you’ve lived.” It’s a bleak and disheartening rationale, as though women’s lives can achieve meaning only through motherhood or sex.

As I illustrated in Preventive Medicine, there’s a root insecurity inherent in women’s Hypergamy. From an immediate perspective this can manifest itself as a battery of women’s psychological and sociological filtering mechanisms for Hypergamous optimization with a man she’d just met, to the husband she’s been married to for 20 years. However, it’s vitally important for men, particularly married and LTR men, to understand that the confines of a committed relationship is never any insurance against Hypergamy in the long-term, and the rationalizations of that Hypergamy evolve as women mature.

Of course the first, best advice is the simplest “just never get married”, but even if you are a single man entering your 50s you will encounter women who’ve experienced (or never experienced) a crisis of Hypergamy and the incessant drive for Alpha optimization of it. If you are a younger man dealing with an older woman (why, I don’t know) you will likely encounter women like Rinaldi and women with similar mindsets as Robin Korth. It’s important to know what you are, or will be, dealing with.

Published by Rollo Tomassi

Author of The Rational Male and The Rational Male, Preventive Medicine

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kobayahii1981
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kobayahii1981
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@Sun: Well played!

Macbeth
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Macbeth
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@M3: Thank you so much for this mate!

“For as questionable and retarded as these women’s actions are when they do this (EPL/Wild Oats)… one has to admit, for all the initial pain or problems it might cause the men in their lives – it does ultimately save them from living horrible lives committed to these rtards. The guy usually bounces from it to live a more fulfilling life, the women burn out fast and fade away writing books and making due with their empty lives.”

A-fucking-men.

Sun Wukong
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@M3 The guy usually bounces from it to live a more fulfilling life, the women burn out fast and fade away writing books and making due with their empty lives. You know what was funny was that there’s a lot of threads on r/theredpill trying to celebrate how women that go full on AF/BB from 20s to 30s will “pay” for their actions. There’s been responses lately though (quite correctly) saying “No they won’t”. It’s true. Women (particularly attractive ones) get exactly what they were promised and don’t have to pay for it at all. They have a pretty good… Read more »

stuttie
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yup. any hb7-9 in her prime, now post wall at 35+ seriously does still see herself AND expects alphas to see her as that same hb7-9.
As she swings between AF/BB branches without a care in the world, when she does crash into the wall she ends up swinging from BB/BB – because AF is now out of the equation.
I’m happy to pump and dump these muttons dressed as lambs, but I can only laugh and snicker at their desperation to lock you down.

Alpha agents of rightous karma

Jetxo
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8,000 Years Ago, 17 Women Reproduced for Every One Man

Nice article for friday reading, Nothing really we did not know, but we were thinking more on 1-10 right ??

http://www.psmag.com/nature-and-technology/17-to-1-reproductive-success

Tam the Bam
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Nice link Jetxo, avoids the cathedral paywall. They focus (AFAIK) on male repro success, Pareto’s 80%-20%, to the max (5%-95%, who knew?). Speculating (wisely) on male misfortune, epidemics, and wealth effects. Nobody seems to want to approach the elephant. Female misfortune, and if “natural” conditions were dominant, biological failure. An unweaned hunter/forager child is usually doomed if the mother dies in childbirth, a very human problem not seen in other animals, much. Pastoralists and agriculturalists have partially solved this problem in a number of ways. Obviously, ready sources of milk Then the enhanced chance of finding a wetnurse among the… Read more »

mrniceguy
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Most relevant point.

Stay away from divorced women. Closed.

melmoth
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@declineandfall,

That Heat quote is maybe my all-time favorite. It could be a Red Pill/MGTOW motto. I teach English in Asia and use that dialogue between Pacino and DeNiro often. I get paid to teach that quote. Glad to see that it inspires you also.

kobayashii1681
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@Rollo – Just a mention, maybe you can update the blog, under ‘the books’ subheading, you should add the 2nd book. Just after ‘blog roll’.

Vulpine
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I’ve been thinking more about women “going wild” or “making up for lost time”. After reflecting on my experiences while working in my Zen garden, a pair of male bluebirds squabbling distracted me. It struck me, because, they were fighting over a birdhouse (one of several) that I made and hung up last year. So, of course, the satisfaction was savory, but the two males chasing each other around made me consider human relationships. Is one mate-guarding, or simply preventing another bird from claiming his premium nest box? See, I’ve had a sort of “philosophy” developing since even before discovering… Read more »

hamster_wrestler
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hamster_wrestler
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Check this out: http://www.savorthesuccess.com/member/laura-campbell

OMFG. I think I will open a shop next door to sell cats to the steady supply of spinster-shrews she generates.

tipareth
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Hello. This isn’t apropos only to this article but I’d like to throw something in here that I think you and I differ on. I think some of the behaviors you point out are definite modern social themes but I’m not sure about your go-to narratives. But my biggest point is this. Shouldn’t we be getting away from the false dichotomy of Alpha/Beta? I agree that modern women probably do indeed draw such a line but sometimes I feel like you’re ideas are based more around manipulating that instead of trying to elevate ourselves out of such indignant labels. If… Read more »

Sun Wukong
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@tipareth

Why would a true, internalized positive Alpha ever want to be Beta at all?

Badpainter
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@ Sun Wukong

If Alpha is a mindset then the question would be can an Alpha mindset express Beta behaviors such that his external identification is beta?

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[…] this matters to married men because, if you’re married man, the likelihood is HIGH that the “The Wild Oats Project” (author Robin Renaldi) might affect you… soon. Avoid […]

LiveFearless
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@Badpainter Victor Pride writes with that mindset. Victor Pride and Mike Cernovich answer that question in every blog post. Mike is a close friend that I’ve spent a lot of time with him in person prior to his extended relocation this year. I’ve never seen one second of beta behavior from him. It’s in a group I brought him into that’s filled with people that would intimidate most men and also in a larger group of our friends, girlfriends/spouse etc there is simply no beta behavior. He’s respected for that. The only MEN other than relatives that I surround myself… Read more »

LiveFearless
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@Badpainter Rollo Tomassi is another great example of this. He doesn’t just write about this stuff, but he demonstrates in when he chooses to help someone. One of the times I remember when I reached out to him for advice. His response was not beta. It was Alpha. He didn’t say, “Oh, Sam, you pitiful little man, let me listen to all the details about how much you’re hurting and let send you a teddy bear.” Instead he asked me why I had chosen to put myself in that situation. It was a masculine, matter of fact question. No long… Read more »

Badpainter
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@ LiveFearless That’s sort of what I meant. I think the question tipareth raises is an illustration of misunderstanding what you are saying. The Alpha mindset exists separate from external factors, and in spite of those factors. In my mind it’s a matter of costume vs. character vs. action. The whole holding doors BS a couple weeks back is what I am talking about. I see the Alpha/Beta debate as often missing the point and being a distraction in that too much time spent arguing about the costumes and scripts. A man who buys the Alpha costume and apes the… Read more »

LiveFearless
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@Badpainter A man who buys the Alpha costume and apes the stereotypical behaviors without the mindset won’t pass close scrutiny. The man with the Alpha mindset can wear whatever costume he wants, act how he wants. Well said. As a demonstration of what you said, do you remember in the movie “Hitch” actor Kevin Sussman is “Neil” and actor Will Smith is “Hitch” “Hitch: The shoes are hot. You went to the place I told you? Neil: Yeah, but I don’t think they’re really me. “You” is a very fluid concept right now. Hitch: You bought the shoes. You look… Read more »

LiveFearless
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@Badpainter, you wrote: The whole dialogue surrounding the applied tactics of game for the beginner is of course about fakery. One hopes the process creates something real beyond improving acting skills. As an actor, people are all around you expecting you to perform on cue. It’s about breaking down the walls of insecurity and pushing all inhibitions aside in the moment. You, your body language, your breathing, your voice… become the emotional truth that will affect the audience the way that truth is intended to affect her. From “The Rational Male – Preventive Medicine” by Rollo Tomassi: There are a… Read more »

superslaviswife
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To be fair, I understand the deathbed perspective (regardless of whether it’s what she actually believes). How she thinks casual sex will leave a lasting mark on the planet, I don’t know, but I understand not wanting to fade out. Not being able to have children would make existence pretty futile and empty.

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[…] read more:therationalmale.com […]

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[…] old hurts or disappointments as ammunition to throw at your husband in the heat of an argument.  And never use past decisions to destroy the future of your marriage!  There is an interesting article at The Rational Male talking about a woman who never respected […]

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[…] outfits – 50 shades of grey inspired — Style Counsel onlineCoded Gist“Feeling lucky, I seeMaking Up for Missing Outbody { background: […]

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[…] detailed a bit of the first question in Making Up For Missing Out and Good Girls Do. It’s important to make the distinction between a ‘good girl’ […]

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[…] I’m thankful I was spared from the worst consequences of that delusion. I know too many men today who did just what I would’ve then. Most are on their 2nd or 3rd marriage, with kids from the first or second and still wondering how it went so wrong for them. They all either forced that fantasy to happen for themselves or paired with a girl who simply hadn’t come to understand her SMV during that period before she said “I do.” Almost to the man, these men’s wives went through what I describe in Making Up for Missing Out.… Read more »

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[…] Making Up for Missing Out […]

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[…] I’ve just read a post from Maurice Matheka’s blog: That follows the script on Rollo’s poignant post, Making up for Missing Out. […]

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[…] selection impulse still drives her to seek out the Alpha fucks aspect of Hypergamy. She’s Making Up for Missing Out and still she has the provisioning and support she needs in order to pursue the opposite side of […]

Playdontpay
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Playdontpay
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Depressingly I’ve just returned from my best friends house after being called by his eldest son as he was smashing up the kitchen after finding out his wife who he has been with from the age of 14 (they are now 45) is leaving him in a classic case of “making up for missing out”. As I understand it there is no other man involved ( let’s see) but I think this is probably true due to the fact that she has had a hysterectomy about 8 months ago and many nasty complications that a “new man” would be unlikely… Read more »

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[…] My instinct tells me she’s either branch swinging to something new or she’s making up for missing out. […]

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[…] Rebecca’s band member seems to look at her with desire. Jack is aware of this and doesn’t like that they are about to embark on a month long tour together, but again, he is trying to be the supportive husband and should all of the responsibility so Rebecca can “chase her dreams”. […]

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[…] who support them while they occasionally stray to old pastures on the side (“alpha widowhood“). This is summarized in an acronym: AF;BB“. What determines who counts as a […]

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