The Wrong Girl

“You just married the wrong girl mate.”

“You must be attracting the wrong kind of women.”


“Not all women are like that, you need to go places where the quality women are.”

“Those girls are just damaged.”

Fortune cookie, non-comital internet “wisdom” like this abounds on Twitter and in the self-improvement sphere today.

I read a lot of these rationales from women and male allies whenever a guy makes a general, empirical, but unflattering, point about the nature of women. Even casual observations or questions about this nature are met with subjective answers that put the blame of asking back on the guy. There must be something wrong with you for even making mention of it.

As I mentioned in my last post, there’s a kind of ‘talking past’ one another when it comes to believers vs. empiricists. Notice that all of these common dismissals are based on value judgements. The nature of the conversation between these mindsets begins in the misunderstanding that both are focusing on a mutual goal.

People resort to denial when recognizing that the truth would destroy something they hold dear. In the case of a cheating partner, denial lets you avoid acknowledging evidence of your own humiliation. Short of catching a spouse in bed with your best friend, evidence of infidelity is usually ambiguous. It’s motivated skepticism. You’re more skeptical of things you don’t want to believe and demand a higher level of proof.

Denial is unconscious, or it wouldn’t work: if you know you’re closing your eyes to the truth, some part of you knows what the truth is and denial can’t perform its protective function.

One thing we all struggle to protect is a positive self-image. The more important the aspect of your self-image that’s challenged by the truth, the more likely you are to go into a state of denial. If you have a strong sense of self-worth and competence your self-image can take hits but remain largely intact; if you’re beset by self-doubt (a hallmark of self-righteous Beta thinking), however, any acknowledgment of failure can be devastating and any admission of error painful to the point of being unthinkable. Self-justification and denial arise from the dissonance between believing you’re competent, and making a mistake, which clashes with that image.

Solution: deny the mistake.

Denial, July 11, 2012

The ideology of personal responsibility is the Swiss army knife of subjectivist rationalization. “Extreme Ownership” is a lot like the “just be yourself” non-response people will give you when they don’t know what to tell you about your lack of Game. It sounds like wisdom, but it’s really based on the presumption of knowing a guy must always find fault in himself before any other consideration. Guys rarely struggle with overconfidence, but tell him the solution to his problems lies in him self-deprecating more and that he can get behind.

In this subjectivism there are no outside variables. There is no intentional maliciousness from others, or extenuating circumstances, only how you react to them and what you did to bring them on yourself. All the blame for anyone’s bad condition rests on the shoulders of the individual:

  • Your life is fucked up? Your fault.
  • Your Game/relationships suck? Your fault for tolerating it.
  • You think women are one way – a way counter to the popular norm? You’re just meeting the ‘wrong kind of women’.

Again, value judgements replace objectivity. If your life sucks it’s real easy to presume the individual is the cause of the suck. And any analysis (even the desire to objectively analyze) of other people’s will, motives or outside circumstance is always an excuse; a redirection away from owning the suck yourself.

Maybe that person was the ‘right‘ one all along, you just were the wrong one for her? Self-doubt is a key element in subjectivism.

Your Game/relationships suck? Your fault for tolerating it. You think women are one way – a way counter to the popular norm? You’re just meeting the ‘wrong kind of women’. Again, value judgements replace objectivity. There’s no such thing as a general truth when your grasp of human nature is that, subjectively, everyone is a random unknowable snowflake. “People are people, man. Everybody’s different. If you think different it’s because you’re judgmental.

Own It

The popularity of ‘Success Porn‘ online today depends heavily on this self-evincing subjective ownership. It’s far easier to solve a person’s problems if he’s the source of his problems rather than the particulars of his circumstances. The Tony Robbins of the world have raised this to an art form. Owning your faults locks in very well with stoicism, but too much stoicism and you cancel out the emotional high that you need in an adherent to get pumped on your motivational speaking.

Guys who ‘go black pill‘ are the opposite extreme of this. Black Pill as a movement focuses on objective realities to such an extreme degree that nihilism defines it. But that nihilism is also a necessary part of subjectivism.

It gets a lot wrong in the problem solving department, but what Black Pill gets right is their understanding of the shifting of causality. For Success Porn gurus, optimism is an easy sell in an age of negativity. So maintaining the idea of an endemic negativity in the culture is a necessary part of the ‘rise above it‘ mantra. You don’t have to actually defeat anyone else today, you have to defeat the worst parts of yourself. It’s much easier when there’s no real external opposition and it’s just you against you.

All the salesmen of the “feel-good pill” have an ironclad rationale; people are the source of their own misery. ‘Own your problems’ is a go-to answer because it gets the salesman off the hook with respect to actually analyzing and solving anyone’s problems.

This is the counselor’s dilemma: Most people’s internal struggles are personal to them and require a personal understanding and interaction on the part of the counselor. That kind of personal investment is tough to do when you’ve got 10,000 people in a concert hall all begging for you to solve their unique set of problems. Thus, finding a way to convince the majority of a commonality in their personal problems with those of everyone else is necessary. Personalized subjectivism fills this need for the believers, but it has to have a common root that everyone can commiserate around – me against me.

Subjectivism, social constructionism and blank-slate egalitarianism are the -isms that have defined western cultures and their thinking for the past 60 years. Now, I know the tone of all this seems like I’m picking on Trad-Cons or the new wave of Manosphere Moralism today, but it’s also a mistake not to highlight just how this subjectivism pervades the ideologies of the Village, social justice, intersectional feminism and religion steeped in the Feminine Imperative today.

One common theme I see in researching how feminism and the Feminine Imperative are assimilating mainstream religions is where almost all of them end up – this same, all-is-one subjectivist belief set. In every instance of the Feminine Imperative assuming control of a faith, that faith is converted to unitarian tolerance, then acceptance, of elements that religion was opposed to in its prior iteration. Clear, distinct, articles of faith are replaced with an unconditional doctrine of inclusiveness that homogenizes separate faiths into one global faith based on the ‘cult of love’.

In my upcoming book, Religion, I detail this ‘cult of love’ and it’s end-goal of creating a unitary world-faith that’s dependent on the Feminine Imperative defining it. For now, its enough to consider that this push towards a one-world religion will find its foundation in the same subjectivism we’re seeing clash with objectivism in the ‘sphere today.

Published by Rollo Tomassi

Author of The Rational Male and The Rational Male, Preventive Medicine

Leave a Reply

  Subscribe  
Notify of
theasdgamer
Guest

“Men being potentially and originally more violent than women,”

Feel the hand of the FI on your shoulder?

“We all need training, what makes the difference is the purposes of the trainers… if constructive or disruptive.”

Tactics of distraction…I bet you’re socialist.

theasdgamer
Guest

Rollo, we may hope to get some metaphysical idea about “objective truth”, but we can only come at it subjectively. The postmodernists were quite correct about that.

It is very difficult to screen out our subjective viewpoints. I think that it can be done if we are careful and look for corroboration from other observers and test thoroughly.

theasdgamer
Guest

It seems to me that, in this post, Rollo’s targets are the purple pill “self-improvement” scammers.

Rudolph
Guest
Rudolph
Offline

One of the things I think illustrates something of what Rollo is getting at here would be being mugged. If you go into the wrong section of town and get robbed, it is your fault in that you went into the bad section of town. However, you are still the victim of a crime. Someone acted on you. Someone did something to you. It is similar in playing a game of chess or backgammon or a sport or something. You aren’t the only one playing. You aren’t the only actor in the situation. You might have chosen the statistically correct… Read more »

Dr. Banner
Guest
Dr. Banner
Offline

Sentient Lol. Good Point. After the Mastodon meat is gone I pride myself on letting nothing go to waste. I have tusks, the hide, the bones, and that sense of accomplishment smirked across my face. The modern me has a house (paid off) a car (albeit modest paid for) and surplus resources. Oh and there is the education levels achieved. All said your point is true and succinct. Sometimes getting caught up in the refinements of modern life one can forget the primal brain. She may find me adorned with necklaces made of saber tooth lion’s teeth. Lounging on numerous… Read more »

Anonymous Reader
Guest
Anonymous Reader
Offline

Rollo
If the onus of problem solving is on the individual then all the Success Porn guru need do is point out the problem and leave it to the individual to solve it.

It’s a great way to ensure repeat customers, and build up a supply of regular clients.

Softek
Guest
Softek
Offline

@Rollo Excellent article, and it highlights the main problem for men today: how to accept responsibility for your life, while simultaneously understanding that many (or most) of the problems you’re facing in your life right now are not your fault. It’s a tightrope. Lose your balance and fall to the left? Victim mentality. Fall to the right? Self-effacing and Self-deprecation, i.e. ‘beating the shit out of yourself.’ The true path is narrow. What many men in the ‘sphere forget is that trees grow silently and slowly. Blue Pill men can be thought of like mustard seeds, and TRP provokes them… Read more »

theasdgamer
Guest

Finding fault is a waste of time. In the end, you’re probably the only person who can solve your problems. Whether someone else downloaded a mental program into your brain that weakens you is really irrelevant. You have to unload the program yourself. Of course, it helps to have folks like Rollo who can help us understand those hostile mental programs. If you go into a high-crime area and get mugged, blaming the mugger isn’t gonna get your stuff back. If you don’t wanna lose your stuff, either you avoid high-crime areas or you defeat the muggers. Red Pill is… Read more »

Dr. Banner
Guest
Dr. Banner
Offline

Rollo, Your Statement: “The biggest problem I see in the Success Porn sphere is that it’s overly dependent on the idea that the solution to any problem is internal. It’s convenient to say “you must accept that you are the source of all your problems and you need to own your faults” because external problems require a much bigger investment in the solution than internal problems.” May I ask if you inferring that a person goes along in life, maybe feeling a little left out or not as successful as they would like or maybe just a sense of being… Read more »

dolph9
Guest
dolph9
Offline

Of course, the ideology of our age, the mantra repeated for decades, is the following: -there is no such thing as society -resources are infinite for everyone, you just have to go and grab them -we are just replaceable economic units, we don’t belong to tribes or have culture -you will become perfectly rich, perfectly successful, perfectly healthy, and live forever -if you don’t become perfectly rich, perfectly successful, perfectly healthy, and live forever, it’s your fault; you weren’t good enough, smart enough, beautiful enough, or competitive enough It’s just a giant con, men, it always was, to try to… Read more »

Wildside
Guest
Wildside
Offline

@dolph9. You are right in what you say but to look at life through a nihilistic lens is just inviting a miserable existence.

I personaly want a good life, a stoic life. Nobody can create that life for me, only me. We all die that is the only certainty in life and I want to enjoy every second of my short life. To put one foot in front of the other and go with the flow of life. To take the good with the bad.

Palmasailor
Guest
Palmasailor
Offline

@wildside We have a blame culture. Success porn or not, most people look externally for answers and blame externally for failures when in truth it’s their own shit decisions and lack of performance that have led them to the position they’re in. It’s a bullshit mindset, and needs to be called out. If you think you can then you probably can but if you think you can’t then you definitely can’t. Allowing a mindset that looks externally is a dangerous and stupid thing to do because it allows a scenario where difficult internal issues can be avoided by displacement. The… Read more »

Wildside
Guest
Wildside
Offline

@Palma. This is a great forum for great conversation. Yes, I was one of those men who blamed external sources for my miserable life and asked the self help gurus to fix me. But I was always intelligent enough to see though them especially when the likes of RSD where asking for large sums of money from me. I was lucky because I always knew my internal issues where caused by emotional trauma from a young age. Depression, anxiety, abandonment and rejection issues. Some people do not have that luxury of knowing the root of their issues. I was nihilistic… Read more »

palmasailor
Guest
palmasailor
Offline

@Wildside You’re still looking to a default of of others owing you shit which they frankly don’t, and this is the very deep root of all of it from very young. “I was lucky because” – why were you entitled to luck? and what is luck anyway? “Some people do not have that luxury of knowing the root of their issues.” – you’re not entitled to luxury you didn’t earn, why does anyone expect it? “A person needs to be given the tools.” – Again – why? Who is obliged to give you what you think you need. And why… Read more »

theasdgamer
Guest

“The problem is not with success porn but it is because success porn is being used to extract resource from the stupid and gullible.”

If the self-help actually worked, paying for it wouldn’t be a problem. From the OP, the problem that Rollo has with it is that it doesn’t work because it’s too general.

seany1977
Guest
seany1977
Offline

@Palma. You are right nobody owes me anything and I as sure as shit expect fuck all off any human being. I think you are just reading too much into my use of language. “I was Lucky because = I Knew”. Being insecure about my use of words is not a reflection of my mindset. There does tend to be a lot of reading into written language on this forum. Yes, It is a luxury to me to be very aware of my own failings in life and I know what the best things are for me to manage my… Read more »

palmasailor
Guest
palmasailor
Offline

@wildside / Sean?

I was’t trying to shiv you, I really wasn’t .. just demonstrate how far the programming goes. That’s all.

“I fuckin’ crawled through emotional, painful shit to earn that luxury.”

Yep. That’s about the only way to achieve true growth.

Long shot but Tantum and I may be having a RP summit in London Friday night involving beer if you’re around.

Wildside
Guest
Wildside
Offline

@Palma. I know man. It’s cool smile Your one of the few men on here who makes me think. If it takes a little poking that’s ok. As men we need that at times. We had a little discussion a few weeks ago and it got me thinking and prodded me in a positive direction. That’s why TRM works for me smile

Thanks for the offer of a beer. Much appreciated. Unfortunately I live up North. I also have a date with a Lituanian girl. She doesn’t smile very much. It could be a tough one this.

Sentient
Guest
Sentient
Offline

Well since you guys are on the MPoO this morning…

From Rollo’s twatter

https://twitter.com/Robertfrank615/status/1153827653339635713

Dying laughing…

palmasailor
Guest
palmasailor
Offline

@wildside

“I also have a date with a Lituanian girl. She doesn’t smile very much. It could be a tough one this.”

3 options here:

Sack her and get one that does smile

Hit on the barmaid in front of her

Give her anal with no lube

The choice as they say is yours rude boy..

palmasailor
Guest
palmasailor
Offline

@ wildside If you decide to do the slog on it, you could call it out early: “Look love, if you want to walk round the place with a face like a bulldog that’s licked piss off a nettle then that’s up to you, but I’m not wasting my leisure time with you if you’re gonna be miserable”. That’ll probably look like it’s actually blown it up but reset her, and force her to qualify to you (provided you don’t back down in the face of the shit fit she throws). Be prepared to walk and hit town on your… Read more »

Wildside
Guest
Wildside
Offline

@Palma. Hahaha. All of the above

I think she could just be miserable because she was under the Soviet, communist boot for so long and that’s how she rolls.

She’s not bad though. A hb7 but could be a 7.5 if she smiled.

palmasailor
Guest
palmasailor
Offline

@Wildside Just something to think about but she ** WAS under soviet control, now she’s free-ish in the west so she should be so happy she skips through the daisies daily with a silly grin on her face. I went on a date about 18 months ago, met her at a bar, and got the first drink. Sat down. And she had a long face / puppy dog eyes. So I said “why are you upset?” She went “ooohhhh it’s the anniversary of my brothers death 8 years ago and it always affects me” Like last Saturday night my thermal… Read more »

Anonymous Reader
Guest
Anonymous Reader
Offline

Wildside

I think she could just be miserable because she was under the Soviet, communist boot for so long and that’s how she rolls.

The Soviet Union came unzipped about 30 years ago. The Baltics have been more or less self governing for at least 25 years. So she’s 50 or older, am I right?

kfg
Guest
kfg
Offline

” . . . WAS under soviet control, now she’s free-ish in the west so she should be so happy she skips through the daisies daily with a silly grin on her face.”

That’s so 90s.

Wildside
Guest
Wildside
Offline

God no. 38. 40 is my upper limit and 25 is my lower limit. Even then at 25 the conversation is not riveting. Love Island, facebook, Instagram and Gin.

So she would have been at school. She did mention she had to wear a communist uniform to school. I asked if she still had it. Bring it on the date smile

Devan Rouge
Guest

I’m unsure if your intention of this post. Is it to say all value judgements are bad? Or that feminism and trad-con focuses too much on value judgements? We all make value judgements.

I must be missing something.

Dr. Banner
Guest
Dr. Banner
Offline

Theasdgamer:

Post
“The problem is not with success porn but it is because success porn is being used to extract resource from the stupid and gullible.”

If the self-help actually worked, paying for it wouldn’t be a problem. From the OP, the problem that Rollo has with it is that it doesn’t work because it’s too general.

In one post summation is achieved. Done and done.

theasdgamer you could have saved us a lot of trouble if you had led with this post.

rugby11
Guest
rugby11
Offline

Damaged women and damaged men cultural commentary

w0man1
Guest
w0man1
Offline

excellent article, thought-provoking. the nihilism of the black pill you describe based on “more correct” objective reality as opposed to the false reality that “the subjectivist” is battling actually needs to be combined with the self-doubt and self-affliction of “beta thinking” to more accurately represent and aim at Truth is. everyone has strengths and weaknesses. self-doubt and criticism can actually promote growth and success in addition to external critique. I am not offering anything brand new. well being centered in correct view / Truth will see both internal and external problems. I think that though red pill is eager to… Read more »

Sentient
Guest
Sentient
Offline

Rollo

https://mobile.twitter.com/RationalMale/status/1154466055344906240

Frame? I always heard he was an asshole… 😂

EhIntellect
Guest

Rollo: “It sounds like wisdom, but it’s really based on the presumption of knowing a guy must always find fault in himself before any other consideration.” I disagree with the above. It’s not about fault-finding, it’s about recognizing weakness, in ourselves and others, and focusing our energy there. A man literally can not improve unless he recognizes limitations, forgives himself (and others) of past errors and changes. Holding one’s self-determination at arms length (for ego’s sake, usually) renders a man static. Scarcity mindset presumes a man is powerless to external realities. It’s a toxic self-defeating masochism. External fault-finding for it’s… Read more »

TT
Guest
TT
Offline

@LawyerGirlMiami’s TW profile has been suspended.

liz
Guest
liz
Offline

In my upcoming book, “Religion”….

Are you absolutely set on this title?

%d bloggers like this: