In most popular stories Betas may be protagonists, but they’re never really heros. Every movie, that I can remember, that has a beta as a protagonist has been a comedy; beta males are good for laughing at – no one actually admires them.
The same situation exists with Betas/AFCs you know. If you tell them the truth- they’ll say you hate women, or have dated the wrong types, or whatever else they can come up with to protect the mental model underwhich they operate. They’re invested in that mental model and they’re happy with it; to challenge it is to, almost literally, destory the world they live in. Not only will how they view the world be destroyed, but how they view themselves will be destroyed as well.
Ego Investments and Denial
The psychological term for this is called ‘ego-investment’. I use this term a lot on my blog so I thought it deserved a bit of explanation.
When a person internalizes a mental schema (see belief) so thouroughly and has become conditioned to it for so long, it becomes an integral part of their personality. So to attack the belief is to, literally, attack the person. This is why we see such polarization and violent reaction to people’s political, religious, inter-social/inter-sexual, etc. beliefs – they perceive it as a personal attack, even when presented with irrefutable evidence that challenges the assertions of their belief.
One common frustration that the Game-aware express is how dificult it is to open an AFCs eyes as to why he’s not hooking up, why he’s not getting dates (or 2nd dates if he is), why he’s constantly getting LJBF rejections, etc., and the flaws in what is really ego-investments and conditioned internalizations. As I’m fond of saying, unplugging chumps from the Matrix is dirty work, and this is made all the more difficult when a person is in a catagorical state of denial.
People resort to denial when recognizing that the truth would destroy something they hold dear. In the case of a cheating partner, denial lets you avoid acknowledging evidence of your own humiliation. Short of catching a spouse in bed with your best friend, evidence of infidelity is usually ambiguous. It’s motivated skepticism. You’re more skeptical of things you don’t want to believe and demand a higher level of proof.
Denial is unconscious, or it wouldn’t work: if you know you’re closing your eyes to the truth, some part of you knows what the truth is and denial can’t perform its protective function.
One thing we all struggle to protect is a positive self-image. The more important the aspect of your self-image that’s challenged by the truth, the more likely you are to go into a state of denial. If you have a strong sense of self-worth and competence your self-image can take hits but remain largely intact; if you’re beset by self-doubt (a hallmark of self-righteous AFC thinking), however, any acknowledgment of failure can be devastating and any admission of error painful to the point of being unthinkable. Self-justification and denial arise from the dissonance between believing you’re competent, and making a mistake, which clashes with that image.
Solution: deny the mistake.
Therefore we see AFCs tenaciously cling to a moralistic sense of purpose in their methods which is only reinforced by popular culture in our media, our music, eHarmony, our religion, etc. What they fail to realized, and what becomes cemented for them in denial, is that what they believe are their own, indigenous, self-righteously correct beliefs were designed for them by a fem-centric influence.
“One common frustration that the Game-aware express is how dificult it is to open an AFCs eyes as to why he’s not hooking up, why he’s not getting dates (or 2nd dates if he is), why he’s constantly getting LJBF rejections, etc., and the flaws in what is really ego-investments and conditioned internalizations. As I’m fond of saying, unplugging chumps from the Matrix is dirty work, and this is made all the more difficult when a person is in a catagorical state of denial.” I used to be there. I used to remember men trying to tell me in college… Read more »
Another fascinating topic. A friend of mine says, “Whenever you are in pain, you’re believing a lie.” I found that quite profound. I know of several people, including myself, who have raised denial almost to an art form. Its because of a disbelief that anyone would purposefully use or harm another. But, they do. However, one can get caught in trying to prove, “Well, if they just knew me better, if I could just understand where they were coming from, etc. etc. etc. then that will somehow negate what happened.” These thoughts are not concious, as you mentioned, but run… Read more »
I’m fascinated with Denial when people are behaving in ways that are physically harmful to themselves in the forms of substance abuse, obesity, and other forms. They are so quick to protect their ego when it is being challenged by another human being, but yet are living lifestyles that are literally setting themselves up for a shorter life with a painful and sad ending. I realize it’s off topic, but i’m studying medicine and it’s certainly eye opening how unhealthy the world has become physically.
I can’t speak from first-hand experience, but my ex-husband denies he’s an alcoholic and that gives me some perspective. I know people who are overweight that are in varying states of denial. I think if you consider that they are drinking or overeating as a form of self-medication, ending those activities would bring whatever issue they are trying to supress to the surface. They don’t see the addiction as causing them pain/harm becuase it is helping to assuage the pain they are already in. I’m sure most people are in denial about their negative traits, myself included.
Absolutely. We’re only human and nobody is perfect, but we only have one go around in life and if a person chooses to waste it away by living that way that’s entire there choice. I have a family member who is dangerously going down this path, and my attempts to stop the unhealthy behavior have been unsuccessful. While it saddens me, I’ve come to accept that everyone has their own way of dealing with what comes at them and it can either be negatively or positively. In the end, we are born alone and die alone, and can only control… Read more »
The attitude you’ve taken is a good one. Each person needs to hit their own bottom (that wording doesn’t sound quite right) in order to make a decision to change. Detaching with love is the way to go or else you will go down with the ship. I had to get to that place myself before I would end the marriage and it was no fun down there. Separating at that point was literally like chopping myself in half. I remember reading a book by Paul Bunyan called Pilgrim’s Progress when I was in college. The allegory centers on the… Read more »
I’m personally struggling or have struggled the past 8 years with alcoholism/ substance abuse, and everything surrounding it. Oddly I have gained MANY insight’s through reading some of these Game blogs, as my relationship with alcohol has been kind of like, I suppose, being in a relationship with a borderline girl. The high’s are heavenly and the low’s are debilitating. I may comment more on this when I have more time. Alcoholism/addiction is really a bizarre thing, and I don’t think many alcoholics or addicts truly know how to explain it. I think some of us just unfortunately have the… Read more »
And thank you for sharing as well. What you are doing can’t be easy and you are to be commended for making those changes.
I was in denial for a long time. My “looking into the Abyss” moment came when I was 24 years old. I broke up with my ex-girlfriend because I possessed this internal belief that I wasn’t good enough for her. As you can imagine, the self-loathing attitude, emanating from me, was obvious to my peers. Then a friend of mine introduced me to Red Pill philosophy… It took me a while to fully grasp The Crimson Arts. During the process, I would trip myself up by denying what I was reading; “I’m going to be portrayed as a sexist, this… Read more »
In the end, they must understand that we are not programming them to do something unnatural, we are DE-programming them so that they can do what IS natural, finally. It just seems unnatural at first because the old programming is so strong, and the lie is well-woven.
My buddy’s wife left him suddenly (to him) last year. Hit him like a ton of bricks. It reeked of branch swinging but there was no evidence of it. Anyway it doesn’t matter – she left. When discussing it, the possibility of another guy came up. “I don’t think there was another man,” he told me, “because I think she would have had too much respect for our relationship to have done that.” I let it go not wanting to belabor the point or make him feel worse. I’m sure deep down he acknowledges the possibility but would rather save… Read more »
It is possible she was one of the good ones who would end a relationship before getting into another one. She may have had feelings for someone else she hadn’t acted on though.
These breakups can be very traumatic, especially unexpected ones, so it will take time for your friend to be objective about what his role was or wasn’t in all of this.
That’s always possible. Though the way she handled her exit wouldn’t support the case that she was a “good one.” (Without getting into details here.)
Hypergamous branch-swinging happens regardless of whether something physical took place. “Another man” can mean either emotional or physical extramarital “activity.” (Or both.) In this case, if she left him for another man, whether anything was consummated is only relevant insofar as it may affect the divorce settlement.
I hope I can enlighten him without making him angry or feeling stupid.
Women are like monkeys.
Never leaving one branch without another in grasp
On the one hand, you say that the manner of her exit makes her not “one of the good ones.” And then you go on to imply that your buddy is an AFC that is unable to look at himself in a sober light and see what he did to contribute to the demise of the relationship. If she is not “one of the good ones,” then really isn’t his mistake trying to have a functioning LTR with somebody that is not good relationship material? Or is it the case that if his game was tight enough and he was… Read more »
Let me clarify. I didn’t mean to say she wasn’t “good” or was “bad.” Just that her methods were not above reproach – and that was in response to GeishaKate. She handled it poorly. That doesn’t make her an overall bad person. I knew her and she was a nice woman to me and my wife. Her leaving him wasn’t about her relative quality as a person but about the frame of her marriage and what kind of shape it was in by that point. Remember: Hypergamy doesn’t care. Nor was he 100% AFC. The guy is his own man,… Read more »
Okay, that’s fair enough. I would agree that handling something poorly doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person, but it does say an awful lot about your fitness for relationships. How somebody leaves a person says a lot about them. It really does give you a glimpse into their core. It’s not easy, even if you feel it’s the right thing to do, but did she treat your friend with compassion and kindness? Did she ever bother to talk to him about the state of their marriage before bolting? Suggest couples counseling if she wasn’t happy? You may say hypergamy… Read more »
“How somebody leaves a person says a lot about them.”
That is SO true. Just don’t be TOO nice and screw yourself over. A break-up (even with children involved) should allow for each person to move on and live their own separate life. Divorce laws are such now (most likely due to how frequently they are saught) that it is very hard to even put any distance between you and your ex. In my state, for instance, one parent can’t move out of the county without the other’s “permission” or else its court time.
“A relationship shouldn’t be like working at a Wall Street hedge fund where if you have one bad fiscal quarter you’re fired.” The greater the investment (usually measured in time), the longer it will take for the person to get “fired.” Or should we say for the stock to be dumped. My friend’s wife left him “suddenly,” but even she conceded to him that it had been 3 years in the making. What he did or didn’t do exactly I am not sure.The “beta backslide” can be a long, drip by drip process. He was shocked to hear how long… Read more »
“I don’t think there was another man,” he told me, “because I think she would have had too much respect for our relationship to have done that.” This quote made me think of the different ways that men and women participate in ego investment. Men become ego invested in our ideas and beliefs, because those are what we act on. Women become ego invested in their emotions and feelings, because those are what they act on. The times you see a woman react in ego investment towards an idea, the first think you need to do is realize you’ve prodded… Read more »
Some people will even call to attention the delusion beta males have created for themselves and then in a subsequent post make reference to an imaginary friend.
Don’t worry, I don’t blame you. Both are just coping mechanisms for survival in a difficult world.
Unplugging, accepting the fact that you’ve been thinking and behaving destructively (for years) and then changing the way you behave is difficult for a plethora of reasons. Once you subscribe to the “Red Pill” lifestyle you must act differently in order to make improvements. The biggest hurdle may not be changing your personality but making your friends and family accept the new you. If you’ve been a bona fide beta for twenty five years and suddenly you begin projecting an unsolicited alpha essence, your social circle is, with out a single doubt, going to look at you with a face… Read more »
Reasons like these are why I’m glad I had moved a few months right before taking the red pill. Most of the people I had met hadn’t known me long enough to completely shove me in a beta box. Less heated reactions than if I was living in an area people had known me for a year or more.
Then, when I do see people I’ve known longer or most of my life, they respond with a pleasant, “Damn, you’ve changed. You really found yourself, didn’t you?”
Leap of a Beta – I totally relate to this. Shortly after beginning game I realized that new acquaintances, both male and female, did not reject my alpha qualities, because for all they knew I had always been that way. My childhood friends responded differently. It wasn’t until I took the pill that I had an embarrassing epiphany and realized that nearly the whole of my identity was comprised of beta building blocks. I began to analyse the way my friends interacted with me. I discovered that for my entire life I had been sitting on the very bottom rung… Read more »
Yeah. I’ve definitely been there, been that bottom rung. I’ve heard second hand from old friends in high school that they’re amazed that, “out of everyone we knew, HE’S the one successful in theatre!?” Then they meet me, see the new me, and are surprised at me rather than my success. College friends are less surprised. They saw me start to stand up for my ideas to go along with my work. They just see the ‘new me’ as a more outgoing version of the ‘old me.’ They don’t realize the undercurrents and changes in thoughts/attitudes that inspired the changes.… Read more »
But yes. Thank god for game.
Shame them for being in denial of women’s hypergamous impulses but i would much rather the argument be about shaming women’s hypergamous impulses. My caution is that not all denial is a bad thing. If you never knew what the manosphere was and met a so called MGTOW in person, at face value he is still in denial. He acknowledges the level of sociopathy that women are falling for, he acknowledges that marriage is a lost cause thanks to divorce, he acknowledges the personal changes he could make to be the successful guy- but he denys making changes. Is this… Read more »
Some beta’s are just so bitter that you are progressing.Just the other day a beta tried to shame me by calling me a skirt chaser for the fact that i have started talking to women from a point of sheer indifference.He literally hates my guts,believes he is better than me and goes off to fuck prostitutes. I have also seen betas, the deeply invested ones use manipulation as a substitute for hard work.And to top it off these guys bitch behind your back. Alphas are secure and once you shed the chody behaviour they are quite welcoming. Even if they… Read more »
I think all beta behavior stems from two places. Ignorance and insecurity. They are ignorant of mechanics of the human courtship process. They are insecure with their own sexuality.
There is the time to set some things straight: 1. Beta guy – equals most of men, nearly 90 percent. He is neither frustrated nor a chump. He is nothing but normal man with his body and mind structured to be a slave to women, to serve her imperative. This is how men are made, my friends. First we have to understand that the realtionship of man towards woman is similar as the realtionship of parent to his child. Children DO NOT emphatize with their parents and do not love them in this style of sacrifice. They NEED them, tehy… Read more »
Beta husbands are a big problem, as well. Many men view their wives as a motherly figure. They grant their wives maternal power over them. This is wrong and it has lasting negative effects on the children of said couple. It’s the classic viscous cycle at work. Boy sees mother control father. Boy lets woman control him. Boy gets married to domineering wife, has a son and now we have yet another generation of young men who believe that female needs are priority number one and they quietly tiptoe through a land made of eggshells, never realizing that if they… Read more »
Gregg, you need your own blog.
Classic case of denial is when an AFC finds out that you have a system to getting laid,and they mock you and view that as cheesy and regressive.
Another case is when an AFC says,”I’m good man.I don’t need anyone’s help with getting girls”.Yet he has no girls.
The psychological term for this is called ‘ego-investment’. I use this term a lot on my blog so I thought it deserved a bit of explanation. When a person internalizes a mental schema (see belief) so thouroughly and has become conditioned to it for so long, it becomes an integral part of their personality. So to attack the belief is to, literally, attack the person. Absolutely. What I’ve noticed is some guys are just massively invested in their self-perception as “one of the good guys” where being a “good guy” really often means clinging to AFC behaviors and styles of… Read more »
Sorry to appear stupid but what is AFC and acronym for? From context it means something like “Blue Pill Male” if I am understanding correctly but what does it actually stand for?
AFC is Short for Average Frustrated Chump.Yes it is the blue pill male. There typical behavior has been outlined in previous posts.Check them out.
American Football Conference
I have saved this whole blog as PDF -ebook for offline reading.Sharing the links here for any one else interested.
Part -1 :
[…] http://rationalmale.wordpress.com/2012/07/11/denial/ ”Denial” – Rollo Tomassi […]
Thanks guys. The context made what an AFC was pretty clear, it was just the term itself. Googling it didn’t really help, I guess I should have thought of Urban dictionary.
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can someone help me the solution “Solution: deny the mistake.” what does that actually mean, I was reading the book couldn’t get it so I came to the blog, but couldn’t figure it out
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