Denial

In most popular stories Betas may be protagonists, but they’re never really heros. Every movie, that I can remember, that has a beta as a protagonist has been a comedy; beta males are good for laughing at – no one actually admires them.

The same situation exists with Betas/AFCs you know. If you tell them the truth- they’ll say you hate women, or have dated the wrong types, or whatever else they can come up with to protect the mental model underwhich they operate. They’re invested in that mental model and they’re happy with it; to challenge it is to, almost literally, destory the world they live in. Not only will how they view the world be destroyed, but how they view themselves will be destroyed as well.

Ego Investments and Denial

The psychological term for this is called ‘ego-investment’. I use this term a lot on my blog so I thought it deserved a bit of explanation.

When a person internalizes a mental schema (see belief) so thouroughly and has become conditioned to it for so long, it becomes an integral part of their personality. So to attack the belief is to, literally, attack the person. This is why we see such polarization and violent reaction to people’s political, religious, inter-social/inter-sexual, etc. beliefs – they perceive it as a personal attack, even when presented with irrefutable evidence that challenges the assertions of their belief.

One common frustration that the Game-aware express is how dificult it is to open an AFCs eyes as to why he’s not hooking up, why he’s not getting dates (or 2nd dates if he is), why he’s constantly getting LJBF rejections, etc., and the flaws in what is really ego-investments and conditioned internalizations. As I’m fond of saying, unplugging chumps from the Matrix is dirty work, and this is made all the more difficult when a person is in a catagorical state of denial.

People resort to denial when recognizing that the truth would destroy something they hold dear. In the case of a cheating partner, denial lets you avoid acknowledging evidence of your own humiliation. Short of catching a spouse in bed with your best friend, evidence of infidelity is usually ambiguous. It’s motivated skepticism. You’re more skeptical of things you don’t want to believe and demand a higher level of proof.

Denial is unconscious, or it wouldn’t work: if you know you’re closing your eyes to the truth, some part of you knows what the truth is and denial can’t perform its protective function.

One thing we all struggle to protect is a positive self-image. The more important the aspect of your self-image that’s challenged by the truth, the more likely you are to go into a state of denial. If you have a strong sense of self-worth and competence your self-image can take hits but remain largely intact; if you’re beset by self-doubt (a hallmark of self-righteous AFC thinking), however, any acknowledgment of failure can be devastating and any admission of error painful to the point of being unthinkable. Self-justification and denial arise from the dissonance between believing you’re competent, and making a mistake, which clashes with that image.

Solution: deny the mistake.

Therefore we see AFCs tenaciously cling to a moralistic sense of purpose in their methods which is only reinforced by popular culture in our media, our music, eHarmony, our religion, etc. What they fail to realized, and what becomes cemented for them in denial, is that what they believe are their own, indigenous, self-righteously correct beliefs were designed for them by a fem-centric influence.

47 comments

  1. “One common frustration that the Game-aware express is how dificult it is to open an AFCs eyes as to why he’s not hooking up, why he’s not getting dates (or 2nd dates if he is), why he’s constantly getting LJBF rejections, etc., and the flaws in what is really ego-investments and conditioned internalizations. As I’m fond of saying, unplugging chumps from the Matrix is dirty work, and this is made all the more difficult when a person is in a catagorical state of denial.”

    I used to be there. I used to remember men trying to tell me in college that by and large, women wanted sex; women wanted men to make the moves; don’t show you’re invested; and be dominant and funny, not nice.

    I said “This cannot be. Everyone tells me, my mom and dad told me, my pastors told me, even WOMEN tell me, that women want boyfriends and candlelit dinners and walks on the beach. Women with lots of sexual experience are strong and empowered and know what they want. Women want men to go all in and that’s the way you get sex. Women think dominant, cocky funny guys are douchebags and assholes; and women hate those kinds of men. So you guys are wrong; that just isnt’ going to work and they will hate you.”

    They also got mad tail in college and slayed pussy like bosses.

  2. Another fascinating topic. A friend of mine says, “Whenever you are in pain, you’re believing a lie.” I found that quite profound. I know of several people, including myself, who have raised denial almost to an art form. Its because of a disbelief that anyone would purposefully use or harm another. But, they do. However, one can get caught in trying to prove, “Well, if they just knew me better, if I could just understand where they were coming from, etc. etc. etc. then that will somehow negate what happened.” These thoughts are not concious, as you mentioned, but run very deep. I have posted elsewhere that denial is also a self-protective measure from actual physical danger. If my mind denies that I am in danger, I don’t show fear, and, thereby, I am in less danger. Stockholm syndrome is best known in regards to kidnapping, but, in my view, its equally likely to happen, say, in a marriage. In sum, yes, we will do a lot to disavow that our worth has been compromised.

  3. I was in denial for a long time. My “looking into the Abyss” moment came when I was 24 years old. I broke up with my ex-girlfriend because I possessed this internal belief that I wasn’t good enough for her. As you can imagine, the self-loathing attitude, emanating from me, was obvious to my peers. Then a friend of mine introduced me to Red Pill philosophy…

    It took me a while to fully grasp The Crimson Arts. During the process, I would trip myself up by denying what I was reading; “I’m going to be portrayed as a sexist, this disrespectful attitude towards women will make me unattractive, I thought women (my mother, grandmother, girlfriends) were being honest about what they wanted from a man..” and on down the line. But it finally started to click when I bagged my first 10.

    I could not believe how effortless it was. Applying what I had learned into practice really made me attractive to the opposite sex, particularly women I’d be too afraid to approach in the past. I modified my body language, and took the focus off her “being the prize”; it was me that needed to be impressed. Sure enough, this 10 bought my (non)verbal cues like a fish to water. Honestly, I couldn’t believe what had happened. Within two hours, we were back at her place, which commenced to thrashing.

    Some men are just too stubborn to reach. I’ve tried to share my knowledge with several male friends (most of them in their late 20s/early 30s). Many of which are in relationships currently. And the majority of them are too scared to reverse their behavior. It is disappointing because I will use subtle maneuvers on their girlfriends and actually here them comment on how “vibrant” I am. Consequently, the guys look at me with contempt and jealously. But what are you going to do? Too many are lost a sea.

  4. In the end, they must understand that we are not programming them to do something unnatural, we are DE-programming them so that they can do what IS natural, finally. It just seems unnatural at first because the old programming is so strong, and the lie is well-woven.

  5. My buddy’s wife left him suddenly (to him) last year. Hit him like a ton of bricks. It reeked of branch swinging but there was no evidence of it. Anyway it doesn’t matter – she left.

    When discussing it, the possibility of another guy came up. “I don’t think there was another man,” he told me, “because I think she would have had too much respect for our relationship to have done that.”

    I let it go not wanting to belabor the point or make him feel worse. I’m sure deep down he acknowledges the possibility but would rather save face personally and outwardly, at least while he’s recovering emotionally.

    In this case it’s not a matter of knowing the truth about her, but about one’s self and how behavior may have contributed to her loss of interest. It’s been a few months; maybe he’s taken a more sober look at it.

    The problem with AFCs is they are so often in a state of heartbreak or sorrow because of their behavior that they cannot analyze themselves without prejudice. And when they look for help online (message boards, etc.) they often don’t want to hear the truth from the emotionally uninvested. It takes honest willingness to change to get past this hurdle.

  6. It is possible she was one of the good ones who would end a relationship before getting into another one. She may have had feelings for someone else she hadn’t acted on though.

    These breakups can be very traumatic, especially unexpected ones, so it will take time for your friend to be objective about what his role was or wasn’t in all of this.

  7. “I don’t think there was another man,” he told me, “because I think she would have had too much respect for our relationship to have done that.”

    This quote made me think of the different ways that men and women participate in ego investment.

    Men become ego invested in our ideas and beliefs, because those are what we act on.

    Women become ego invested in their emotions and feelings, because those are what they act on.

    The times you see a woman react in ego investment towards an idea, the first think you need to do is realize you’ve prodded her hamster awake and its running at 200 MPH. Quickly assess the situation of her hamster, where you think its going, and what emotions it’s reacting to. Bait it and lead it to the appropriate conclusions you desire it to be led to (such as conclusions found in your bed).

    That or ignore her emotions, fight based purely on reason, piss her off, and have her storm out unchanged of opinion, hurt, and feeling alienated. And certainly not about to get down and praise an idol of masculinity with her mouth – your cock. Meanwhile you’ll be confused why she took it as a personal attack, didn’t see reason, and left you there holding your cock in your hand and wondering what the hell just happened.

  8. Some people will even call to attention the delusion beta males have created for themselves and then in a subsequent post make reference to an imaginary friend.

    Don’t worry, I don’t blame you. Both are just coping mechanisms for survival in a difficult world.

  9. Unplugging, accepting the fact that you’ve been thinking and behaving destructively (for years) and then changing the way you behave is difficult for a plethora of reasons.

    Once you subscribe to the “Red Pill” lifestyle you must act differently in order to make improvements. The biggest hurdle may not be changing your personality but making your friends and family accept the new you.

    If you’ve been a bona fide beta for twenty five years and suddenly you begin projecting an unsolicited alpha essence, your social circle is, with out a single doubt, going to look at you with a face full of suspicion and ask, “Who is this?”. Your social circle knows you as a beta. They are comfortable with you being beta. Now, seemingly out of the blue, you begin to present this new sexually confident self, this self-righteous leader persona, and people that are close to you can’t help but accuse you a of being incongruous. They will try to put you back into your little cage – where they believe you belong.

    From the view of outside eyes it may seem as though you’re breaking the rules of friendship.

    “You were beta when I met you. You’ve been beta for two decades. Now you’re alpha? This is against the rules.”

    When I was beta I would relate to other beta friends by waxing poetic about my betaness. The fact that my friends and I were both beta almost made our bond stronger, because we had the commonality of being an AFC to share with each other. We were almost secretly proud of our loser status. It was as if we were communicating with each other, “You’re bad with chicks, I’m bad with chicks, but we both know the truth. The truth is you and I are funnier, smarter and more interesting than those guys racking up numbers. The truth is women like jerks and they gravitate towards men that lack substance. You and I are too deep for the mind of the average female. That is why we are alone. We are alone because we are wonderful human beings, but women are not capable of seeing all our great qualities.

    Then, you stumble upon game, gulp down the pill and your friend feels betrayed.

    “Are you saying that our connection was built upon a lie we both told ourselves.”

    No. Not a lie. A delusion. We were drawn to each other because we were both very confused and we would meet up to exchange some false assumptions.

    Also, being alpha takes some getting use to. You have to feel it out. You’re probably going to be initially uncomfortable with your new dynamic personality, and your beginners doubt will make your friends uncomfortable by proxy.

    From my experience, your alpha friends will be happy that you are showing interest in joining their club. It’s probable that your beta buddies will dislike your division. They fear that they will be left all alone on beta island.

    The truth is your true friends will accept the new you. They will be happy that you’re happy.

    There are some people who are almost completely incapable of unplugging. Every moral, opinion an belief they hold is propped up by beta propaganda. To swallow that intimidating “Red Pill” is to, basically, annihilate their soul and completely refurbish their psyche. The “Red Pill” would bring about so much change for certain guys that they believe that once all is over, and they have destroyed the AFC inside themselves, there will be little left of who they originally were.

    Cheers –

    Mark.

  10. Reasons like these are why I’m glad I had moved a few months right before taking the red pill. Most of the people I had met hadn’t known me long enough to completely shove me in a beta box. Less heated reactions than if I was living in an area people had known me for a year or more.

    Then, when I do see people I’ve known longer or most of my life, they respond with a pleasant, “Damn, you’ve changed. You really found yourself, didn’t you?”

  11. Leap of a Beta –

    I totally relate to this.

    Shortly after beginning game I realized that new acquaintances, both male and female, did not reject my alpha qualities, because for all they knew I had always been that way.

    My childhood friends responded differently. It wasn’t until I took the pill that I had an embarrassing epiphany and realized that nearly the whole of my identity was comprised of beta building blocks. I began to analyse the way my friends interacted with me. I discovered that for my entire life I had been sitting on the very bottom rung of the social hierarchy I lived in, without ever realizing it. I began uncomfortably aware of the fact that for all of my existence I had been chronically self-deprecating. Not only did I never lead, I desperately wanted to follow. Never did I stand behind my opinions, and I almost welcomed people to take advantage of me.

    That is no longer true.

    Thank god for game.

  12. Shame them for being in denial of women’s hypergamous impulses but i would much rather the argument be about shaming women’s hypergamous impulses.

    My caution is that not all denial is a bad thing. If you never knew what the manosphere was and met a so called MGTOW in person, at face value he is still in denial. He acknowledges the level of sociopathy that women are falling for, he acknowledges that marriage is a lost cause thanks to divorce, he acknowledges the personal changes he could make to be the successful guy- but he denys making changes. Is this a good or bad denial?

  13. I’m fascinated with Denial when people are behaving in ways that are physically harmful to themselves in the forms of substance abuse, obesity, and other forms. They are so quick to protect their ego when it is being challenged by another human being, but yet are living lifestyles that are literally setting themselves up for a shorter life with a painful and sad ending. I realize it’s off topic, but i’m studying medicine and it’s certainly eye opening how unhealthy the world has become physically.

  14. Some beta’s are just so bitter that you are progressing.Just the other day a beta tried to shame me by calling me a skirt chaser for the fact that i have started talking to women from a point of sheer indifference.He literally hates my guts,believes he is better than me and goes off to fuck prostitutes. I have also seen betas, the deeply invested ones use manipulation as a substitute for hard work.And to top it off these guys bitch behind your back.
    Alphas are secure and once you shed the chody behaviour they are quite welcoming. Even if they dont befriend you atleast they are honest.

  15. I think all beta behavior stems from two places. Ignorance and insecurity. They are ignorant of mechanics of the human courtship process. They are insecure with their own sexuality.

  16. There is the time to set some things straight:

    1. Beta guy – equals most of men, nearly 90 percent. He is neither frustrated nor a chump. He is nothing but normal man with his body and mind structured to be a slave to women, to serve her imperative. This is how men are made, my friends. First we have to understand that the realtionship of man towards woman is similar as the realtionship of parent to his child. Children DO NOT emphatize with their parents and do not love them in this style of sacrifice.

    They NEED them, tehy expect them to care about themselves, to provide endlessyl and when they are able to walk out, they do this, period. They regard the money of parents as THEIRS/common property and their own little money as their private property. And parents do not have the weapon to this, they are at the mercy of their protective emotions/instincts. Men ARE TOO at the mercy of protective instincst and emotions when it comes to women. These are just rules of nature. Women are there for children – they are helpless and men are there for women, there are helpless too.

    2. So all that your AFC is doing is that he is acting in line with his emotions ans body, he is sacrifying himself to the pleasure of women as parents sacrify themselves for their children. Are parents CHUMPS abd LOOSERS? NOPE. They are acting the way they were genetically engineered. they are doing their job. So do men. They had not been taught to act that way just the opposite. They have not been taught to act THE OTHER way – they have not been hammered – form the young age, with the old message that women are inferior, property, etc. This ideas used to be in place for thosands of years – see aristotle, sokrates, plato, etc, in order to protect men and civilization. This is the reason why majority of men find this message of women/children and game so hard to grasp and implement. They have to fight THEIR VERY BODIES, DNA and EMOTIONS to act that way. Usually they have to be exploited, used and hurt by women pretty well to event give a second thought to this.

    3. In the past, civilization protected men form this via religion, holding the status of a man like the “superior being”, hammering into boys right from the start that women are inferior. Event with all this women managed to survive very well and manipulated men for their purpose as nothing happened. Now it all collapsed so there is NO miracle that the vas majority of men are at mercy of their very bodies and slavish minds. Some men have genetically repressed theese traits in order to procreate as much as possible, but they are the small minority.

    4. I know a couple of man that are and what is important ALWAYS have been, succesfull with women, I myself have my share, but they never, never call any man chump just for the lack of success with chicks. This is the languare of poser, weak minded man that need to put others down in order to feel better with themsleves. You may hate your old youself but do not put down others just for it. You may have been used and spoiled by women but you have certainly not done anything wrong. You are just a guy, aren´t you? Do not spoil informations that can be of use for unknowledged men with this crappy attitude.

  17. That’s always possible. Though the way she handled her exit wouldn’t support the case that she was a “good one.” (Without getting into details here.)

    Hypergamous branch-swinging happens regardless of whether something physical took place. “Another man” can mean either emotional or physical extramarital “activity.” (Or both.) In this case, if she left him for another man, whether anything was consummated is only relevant insofar as it may affect the divorce settlement.

    I hope I can enlighten him without making him angry or feeling stupid.

  18. Beta husbands are a big problem, as well. Many men view their wives as a motherly figure. They grant their wives maternal power over them. This is wrong and it has lasting negative effects on the children of said couple. It’s the classic viscous cycle at work. Boy sees mother control father. Boy lets woman control him. Boy gets married to domineering wife, has a son and now we have yet another generation of young men who believe that female needs are priority number one and they quietly tiptoe through a land made of eggshells, never realizing that if they would stand up straight and walk normally their is a solid floor to support their steps right below the brittle, white calcium.

    When a women affectionately calls her lover “Daddy” it’s hot as hell. Reverse the scenario and the same is not true. A man nicknaming his wife “Mommy” is objectively cringe-worthy.

  19. I can’t speak from first-hand experience, but my ex-husband denies he’s an alcoholic and that gives me some perspective. I know people who are overweight that are in varying states of denial. I think if you consider that they are drinking or overeating as a form of self-medication, ending those activities would bring whatever issue they are trying to supress to the surface. They don’t see the addiction as causing them pain/harm becuase it is helping to assuage the pain they are already in. I’m sure most people are in denial about their negative traits, myself included.

  20. Yeah. I’ve definitely been there, been that bottom rung. I’ve heard second hand from old friends in high school that they’re amazed that, “out of everyone we knew, HE’S the one successful in theatre!?” Then they meet me, see the new me, and are surprised at me rather than my success.

    College friends are less surprised. They saw me start to stand up for my ideas to go along with my work. They just see the ‘new me’ as a more outgoing version of the ‘old me.’ They don’t realize the undercurrents and changes in thoughts/attitudes that inspired the changes. Not right away atleast.

  21. Classic case of denial is when an AFC finds out that you have a system to getting laid,and they mock you and view that as cheesy and regressive.

    Another case is when an AFC says,”I’m good man.I don’t need anyone’s help with getting girls”.Yet he has no girls.

  22. Absolutely. We’re only human and nobody is perfect, but we only have one go around in life and if a person chooses to waste it away by living that way that’s entire there choice. I have a family member who is dangerously going down this path, and my attempts to stop the unhealthy behavior have been unsuccessful. While it saddens me, I’ve come to accept that everyone has their own way of dealing with what comes at them and it can either be negatively or positively. In the end, we are born alone and die alone, and can only control our own actions and what we do in life. People come and people go, life has it ups and downs, and all you can hope for are more ups than downs…

  23. I’m personally struggling or have struggled the past 8 years with alcoholism/ substance abuse, and everything surrounding it. Oddly I have gained MANY insight’s through reading some of these Game blogs, as my relationship with alcohol has been kind of like, I suppose, being in a relationship with a borderline girl. The high’s are heavenly and the low’s are debilitating.

    I may comment more on this when I have more time. Alcoholism/addiction is really a bizarre thing, and I don’t think many alcoholics or addicts truly know how to explain it. I think some of us just unfortunately have the many shitty things, be they genetic, environmental, self-taught, learned, reactive, reflective, responsive behaviorally, etc…that come together to form a personality capable of or likely to develop patterns of addictive behavior. I mean, it seems like there are so many factors that spread across many areas in life that can determine or prevent such self-destructive habits from forming.

    It seems half of it has to do with the denial of those around the alcoholic as much as it may with the person drinking. Oddly, for me admitting I had a drinking problem inevitably made me drink exponentially more each time I had to quit & started back up again.

    This is kind of rushed and jumbled, but great post as always. I hope to have a more well-put together comment or post in the next day or two. Thanks everyone for the great insights & sharing of experiences as well, always helpful reads.

  24. The attitude you’ve taken is a good one. Each person needs to hit their own bottom (that wording doesn’t sound quite right) in order to make a decision to change. Detaching with love is the way to go or else you will go down with the ship. I had to get to that place myself before I would end the marriage and it was no fun down there. Separating at that point was literally like chopping myself in half.

    I remember reading a book by Paul Bunyan called Pilgrim’s Progress when I was in college. The allegory centers on the character Christian as he makes his pilgrimmage to heaven. Along the way he faces many obstacles and leaves many people behind, including his own family members. At the time I didn’t see how anybody could leave such important people behind. I eventually came to see how it could be possible.

    We all have a path to follow and when our path diverges from that of others, it can get a bit scary. But, if you have faith that what you are doing is right, it is the only path to take. You might be interested in the Al-Anon book Courage to Change. It helped me.

  25. And thank you for sharing as well. What you are doing can’t be easy and you are to be commended for making those changes.

  26. The psychological term for this is called ‘ego-investment’. I use this term a lot on my blog so I thought it deserved a bit of explanation.

    When a person internalizes a mental schema (see belief) so thouroughly and has become conditioned to it for so long, it becomes an integral part of their personality. So to attack the belief is to, literally, attack the person.

    Absolutely. What I’ve noticed is some guys are just massively invested in their self-perception as “one of the good guys” where being a “good guy” really often means clinging to AFC behaviors and styles of communication and rejecting red pill behaviors and communication as “manipulative”. Moreso, I’ve noticed a tendency in some men a desire or need to really get that “stamp of approval” from women that they are “one of the good guys”. It is my sense many guys are susceptible to this, and it is where backsliding can take place.

    What I’ve found though is pretty early in interacting with a guy you can figure out whether he is pretty committed to being stuck in the “denial” stage for good.

  27. Sorry to appear stupid but what is AFC and acronym for? From context it means something like “Blue Pill Male” if I am understanding correctly but what does it actually stand for?

  28. AFC is Short for Average Frustrated Chump.Yes it is the blue pill male. There typical behavior has been outlined in previous posts.Check them out.

  29. On the one hand, you say that the manner of her exit makes her not “one of the good ones.” And then you go on to imply that your buddy is an AFC that is unable to look at himself in a sober light and see what he did to contribute to the demise of the relationship. If she is not “one of the good ones,” then really isn’t his mistake trying to have a functioning LTR with somebody that is not good relationship material? Or is it the case that if his game was tight enough and he was not so much of a chump AFC, he could have still have this woman by his side that is “not one of the good ones?” Or maybe one facet of AFC-ness is White Knights that are drawn to troubled women? I think Game will do a lot for a man, but it cannot necessarily save every relationship or draw every woman to you.

    Rollo has said before that once you get into a serious, committed relationship, an implicit bargain has been struck that your partner is not going to suddenly despise you one day to the next or suddenly abandon the relationship if you’re doing your best to keep up your end of the bargain. Every relationship past the honeymoon stage has its share of ups and downs. I seem to run into this mindset in the manosphere, this idea that if your Game is tight enough, you cannot fail with women, and any failures you encounter are the result of not being Alpha enough or having tight enough game.

    I wasn’t married, but I too had a woman leave me abruptly when all appeared to be well on the surface. Of course I suspect branch-swinging and another man, but like your friend I couldn’t find any proof. It’s been long enough that with the benefit of sober 20/20 hindsight, her behavior in the immediate run-up to leaving me, I’m sorry, but there just wasn’t a lot there to indicate what was coming. I’ve done lots of soul-searching to see what I could have done differently and I don’t think a relationship with her was meant to last. I ignored some red flags in the beginning due to my own White Knight tendencies, and my challenge since her leaving is to learn to spot and appreciate emotionally healthy women and walk away from the ones that put out rescuing signals and red flags. I don’t think I was a chump in the way that I treated her when we were together, just maybe a chump in that for the longest time afterwards I continued to pine and yearn for somebody that clearly wasn’t good for me and had made it clear she no longer cared about me.

  30. Let me clarify. I didn’t mean to say she wasn’t “good” or was “bad.” Just that her methods were not above reproach – and that was in response to GeishaKate. She handled it poorly. That doesn’t make her an overall bad person. I knew her and she was a nice woman to me and my wife. Her leaving him wasn’t about her relative quality as a person but about the frame of her marriage and what kind of shape it was in by that point. Remember: Hypergamy doesn’t care.

    Nor was he 100% AFC. The guy is his own man, a cool guy, in many ways doesn’t give a F about what people think of him. He simply may not have maintained the proper frame as he should have. It’s easy for guys to let up on the gas, especially after ten+ years. He may have missed the signals or considered them benign. The point is it’s hard to evaluate when you’re also completely torn up inside. That, in and of itself is not AFC. He’s entitled to feel like shit for awhile and be mad at her or be confused.

    As for your situation, it sounds like the red flags you initially ignored came back to haunt you. You say there wasn’t a lot there to warn you, but you’ve come up with some solid reasons.

  31. Okay, that’s fair enough. I would agree that handling something poorly doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person, but it does say an awful lot about your fitness for relationships. How somebody leaves a person says a lot about them. It really does give you a glimpse into their core. It’s not easy, even if you feel it’s the right thing to do, but did she treat your friend with compassion and kindness? Did she ever bother to talk to him about the state of their marriage before bolting? Suggest couples counseling if she wasn’t happy?

    You may say hypergamy doesn’t care, and Rollo has talked before about how women do not value relationship equity in the same way men do, but I would amend that to say unrestrained hypergamy doesn’t care. I think all women have hypergamous instincts but the higher quality women can control it. I don’t fault women for wanting to secure the biggest, best deal for themselves possible, but I would venture to guess that most women if they’re with an 8, are not going to jump to the 8.2 if that opportunity presents itself. I would be very surprised if my sister ever leaves my brother in law, or if some of my friends’ marriages ever break up, although one can’t predict the future. You do have women like Kate Bollick who no questions asked will in a heartbeat ditch the BMW if they think they can get a Maybach. I just think that ultimately there is only so much you can do about hypergamy. A relationship shouldn’t be like working at a Wall Street hedge fund where if you have one bad fiscal quarter you’re fired.

    If I can pull a woman away from a man in a serious, committed relationship where there aren’t serious issues like addiction, adultery or abuse, I wouldn’t pat myself on the back for having such tight game. That’s more like 1/3 me representing the excitement of something new and 2/3s her having psychological problems of some sort.

    I think part of overcoming AFC-ness is becoming better judges of character and maturity and not being blinded by looks and pussy.

  32. “How somebody leaves a person says a lot about them.”

    That is SO true. Just don’t be TOO nice and screw yourself over. A break-up (even with children involved) should allow for each person to move on and live their own separate life. Divorce laws are such now (most likely due to how frequently they are saught) that it is very hard to even put any distance between you and your ex. In my state, for instance, one parent can’t move out of the county without the other’s “permission” or else its court time.

  33. Thanks guys. The context made what an AFC was pretty clear, it was just the term itself. Googling it didn’t really help, I guess I should have thought of Urban dictionary.

  34. “A relationship shouldn’t be like working at a Wall Street hedge fund where if you have one bad fiscal quarter you’re fired.”

    The greater the investment (usually measured in time), the longer it will take for the person to get “fired.” Or should we say for the stock to be dumped. My friend’s wife left him “suddenly,” but even she conceded to him that it had been 3 years in the making. What he did or didn’t do exactly I am not sure.The “beta backslide” can be a long, drip by drip process. He was shocked to hear how long she’d contemplated it; they had taken trips together during that time for instance. But either way, she’s damned. Leaving suddenly without premeditation reeks of the worst kind of impulsiveness. Letting it secretly build over time til it boiled over makes her look duplicitous and disingenuous. Women won’t tell their man “this needs to get exciting again or I’m out” – not in so many words anyway. But I have no doubt the signs were there to read. Not every man’s eyes are open.

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