soul mate

Disassembling ONEitis

pedestal-woman-color-final3

Just a personal note here; at the end of November I accepted a very lucrative promo contract for a large entertainment/gaming corporation. It should last me a while and keep me busy in several states this coming year. As if that weren’t enough, I also accepted a principal creative offer to add an additional brand to my portfolio (craft beer/ale) as of last week. Needless to say this will keep me busy throughout 2017.

Unfortunately, I had to cut short my sabbatical I was using to work on the third installment of The Rational Male. Progress is still moving apace, but I’ve moved my publishing date out to March of next year to give me time to settle into my new projects. I wont be taking any time away from the blog, but one benefit of my new gig is that it’s put me in such a position that I’ve been able to begin making the rounds again on my old forums (SoSuave) as well as the Red Pill sub on Reddit and a few others.

It was on the TRP subredd that I came across this post from The_Bitter_Truth. It gels pretty well with what I’ve been developing over last week so I thought I’d riff on it for a bit.

Recently I met my perfect 10. I was mesmerized by her beauty – I actually froze up in front of her during the middle of our first conversation (not typical of me). I am currently, and was at the time when we met, spinning plates (including my ONEitis), but for some reason I idolized this girl. Somewhere inside of me decided I had to have this girl. I wanted her more than anything. I fooled myself into thinking she was different, and I put her on a pedestal.

The ‘special little snowflake’ concept is a very old Red Pill cliché, but sometimes it’s worth returning to why these came about. One thing Blue Pill conditioning does for boys who will later become men is that, by default, it puts the feminine as the highest priority men need to have for their lives. One reason I stress men becoming their own mental point of origin is because they are taught from a very early age to replace their own imperatives as their first thought with those of women; in other words to pedestalize the feminine. They are conditioned to seek feminine approval, and in so doing, the reward that this approval represents becomes the gender-correct context through which boys and Blue Pill men are taught to filter their social interactions through.

Because the feminine is the ‘correct’ context in which men are raised, the natural, deductive, response with regard to intimacy is to place girls and women on the proverbial pedestal. I mentioned this dynamic a couple of posts ago, but the pedestal Blue Pill men refer to is a personal part of a much larger social pedestal upon which men are taught to put women on socially. The larger whole of Blue Pill conditioned society will later blame this pedestalization on individual men – being told their insecurities are due to their own deficits, a lack of confidence or a belief in themselves – when in fact they were raised and conditioned by a feminine-primary social order to default to this pedestalization. This default deference to pedestalizing women may indeed be something men must overcome in the long term scope of their lives, but make no mistake, it starts from a feminine-centric, feminine-correct upbringing.

Even for guys employing Game and dating non-exclusively, there at some point comes a ‘special’ One girl that embodies a deeply held Blue Pill idealism about the ‘perfect girl’ for him. Usually this girl meets the criteria for what he considers his ‘Genetic Celebrity‘, but as men mature they tend to modify this ideal based on what their conditioning has taught them qualifies as a ‘Quality Woman‘.

This occurrence is always a test for men who are Red Pill aware. Men’s own innate idealism is focused on outward possibilities; the hope for what can be. The problem is that this male idealism has always been a useful thumbscrew in conditioning men to accept a necessary deference to women, and this comes at a price.

Two Sides of ONEitis

One of two things generally happen for the Blue Pill guy who gets his wish and achieves intimacy with his ONEitis girl. He either defaults to supplication with her, or his ONEitis idealization of her is dispelled, and she and womankind are brought back down to earth to mingle with the mere mortals. It’s important to really understand what ONEitis really is; an unhealthy attachment to  an idealization. A lot of guys make the mistake of believing that if they’re “really in love” with their ONEitis everything is OK, but the fact is that guys wrapped up in ONEitis are committed to the belief in their idealized Dream Girl.

On the third date with my ONEitis we made dinner at my place, we watched a movie together, and we fucked for the first time. For the first time in a long time I was actually anxious (maybe even excited?) about having sex, as I had been idolizing and fantasizing over this girl for some time. Even though I was anxious I didn’t spill my beans and kept my cool, and gave her a fuck she’ll be hard pressed to forget – but I realized something when I was balls deep inside her: The sex isn’t that great and neither is she. At this point she’s no different than any other girl I’ve put into my bed who’s spread her legs for me. After I dumped my load inside her my head started to clear a little and I could see that this girl I had been worshiping isn’t any better than me, and I’m not a better person for fucking her. It doesn’t make me a better friend, Man, or XYZ because I put my dick in some girl I was fantasizing over.

In addition I started to notice her imperfections, a birth mark, nervous ticks, less than perfect qualities. In my mind I had painted her out to be this perfect angel – but that couldn’t be further from the truth. She was so attractive to me because she seemed out of reach, but now that I’ve had a taste I know it’s nothing special.

This is a good example of having the ONEitis ideal disillusioned for a guy. When PUA gurus tell you to think of a hot girl like she’s just another girl that mental state comes from replicating this disillusionment. Roissy had an excellent maxim in The 16 Commandments of Poon about this:

X. Ignore her beauty

The man who trains his mind to subdue the reward centers of his brain when reflecting upon a beautiful female face will magically transform his interactions with women. His apprehension and self-consciousness will melt away, paving the path for more honest and self-possessed interactions with the objects of his desire.…

Roissy even goes on to suggest guys stop using terms like ‘hot’ or ‘cute’ when referring to women (as well as to avoid complimenting women on their looks if you’re not sleeping with her) in order to put your head out of the conditioning that led to your idealization of what will become a ONEitis woman. Again, the idea is to come to the disillusionment state Bitter Truth is outlining here before you make an approach and before you move into any possibility of becoming monogamous with a girl who’s representative of an idealization.

Another way I was misleading myself is that I was using my ONEitis for validation – “If I can fuck this 10 then obviously I’m the perfect chad that I’ve always wanted to become.” I was looking for acceptance through someone else’s eyes, but when I finally got it – it didn’t change who I was as a person. Having a beautiful, young girl on your dick or around your finger may win the admiration of needy guys and make other girls jealous – but it doesn’t make you a better person.

I’ve covered the idea of men using sex for validation before, so I wont belabor it now. However, I will add that it is part of Blue Pill conditioning’s goal that men internalize the idea that their sexual imperative is inherently bad and, by a feminine-primary context, incorrect. Part of making men believe this is inculcating the idea that men seek to build their egos and their status up by having sex in popular culture. Part of this comes from the goal-centered nature of men being the sexual performers for women’s acceptance – further reinforced in a fem-centric social order – but beyond this, the sex-for-affirmation narrative is meant to diminish the legitimacy of men’s sexual strategies in favor of women’s socially correct sexual strategy (Hypergamy).

I hear and read even well-meaning Red Pill men who still promote this idea while tossing out “atta girls” for women aping men’s sexual imperatives themselves. The giveaway here is in Bitter Truth’s referring to his not ‘feeling like a better person’ for having banged his Dream Girl. His anticipation was that he would ‘be a better person’ for having been approved for, and consolidating on, sex with his ONEitis. Again, this comes back to the disillusionment I mention above, but it’s also the result of his being conditioned to believe that ‘all men have sex to build their egos, their status, and feel good about themselves’.

Feminine-primary society seeks to diminish men’s sexual agency, and the primary way of doing this is to turn it into a pathology. We see this all the time with regards to how feminism and the Feminine Imperative obfuscate and redefine conventional masculinity to fit its convenience. But with regards to men’s sexual imperatives, their strategy must be made a sickness or an ego flaw when they pursue it.

I’ve read a few posts on TRP about ONEitis. They’re usually written about the girl we can’t have, or the girl that’s out of reach. So maybe this can give a bit of a different perspective on the topic. Sometimes when things seem just out of reach we want them more because we can’t have them. Sometimes if we never see what she’s like up close, we’ll never be able to see through our ONEitis tinted lenses we’re viewing her with. She is just another girl. She’s not perfect, I just refused to see her as she really is. The only thing special about her is her looks – and she really doesn’t bring anything into my life except another hole to fill. The morning after her phone was blown up with messages from beta orbiters telling her good morning and asking her how her night was (great thanks to me, and thanks for asking). These guys were idolizing her the same way I was by putting this girl on a pedestal and refusing to see her as an equal (or less). They’re wasting their time. They don’t really know this girl, they just want the fantasy figure they’ve painted inside their minds.

This is a good observation, but the thing is that this ‘celebrity’ Dream Girl isn’t something they’ve painted in their heads of their own volition. Women’s Beta Orbiters are a persistent fact over generations now because it’s what they’ve been bred and raised to be. To be sure, most willingly create their own idealizations, but the seed is already there for them to water.

There’s an interesting paradox about this disillusionment. On one hand there is a certain emotional satisfaction that comes from believing in that Dream Girl ideal. It’s what inspires men to achievement, self-improvement and many great creative endeavors. But the idealization can become a trap. It becomes a comfort to believe in that Blue Pill Disney-wishes-can-come-true fantasy, and that fantasy transforms into a sweet vindication when a Blue Pill guy finally gets his Dream Girl. At that point his investment in that ideal girl is just as important as his capacity to sustain that relationship in a Blue Pill context.

These are the guys who get gobsmacked when their Dream Girl leaves them once they’ve determined that he’s not the Alpha dominant guy he’s sold himself as. Now, not only is he dealing with losing “the best girl he’s ever gotten”, he’s also confronting the truth that his Blue Pill conditioning and the ideals it’s bred into him have been false and a source of his own self-deception. Losing that ONEitis girl is compounded by his losing faith in his Blue Pill world.

So if you have a ONEitis you’re fantasizing over right now, take a quick moment and consider that she’s just a normal girl with above average looks (or just really good at putting on makeup). She has flaws and imperfections – you just haven’t known her long enough for them to come out, or you’re refusing to see them. Literally the only reason I wanted this girl was because of something that was completely irrelevant to who she is as a person – good genetics. She has flaws and insecurities just like any other girl. She’s not perfect and makes dumb choices. She’s just looking for her Chad – just like every other girl. “We see the world (girl), not as it (she) is, but as we are.”

Edit: I would like to stress the importance of spinning plates and having options. It has helped me greatly. Not only for the abundance mentality, but being able to compare her to my other plates has helped me put things into perspective – but having plates didn’t prevent me from developing ONEitis in this circumstance.

I did a fun post a while back called Show and Tell where I compared the pictures of made up and non-made up porn stars to illustrate the fantasy image men hold with the real-life ‘smell her farts’ reality of women. Most Blue Pill men will tell you that their idealizations are about the girl underneath all the make up. This is the idealization they are taught to believe is acceptable for women because it absolves women of having to qualify in any way for men’s sexually strategic approval. Holding standards for a woman’s looks, her weight or how she presents herself will always be conflated with sexual objectification of women. But when a Blue Pill guy finds his Unicorn she almost always qualifies for that status because of “who she really is”.

While it’s all well and good to keep a realistic perspective of a woman’s presentation, part of Blue Pill conditioning is promoting the idea that the women men ought to pedestalize should base that idealization on intrinsic rather than extrinsic factors. You will find that some of the most pathetic guys with ONEitis will often pine over some of the least physically attractive women. I’ve stood in wonderment over the weeping and gnashing of teeth Blue Pill guys will display over women whom they exceed in SMV by as much as 2 points.

That’s the ‘real’ ONEitis; when a guy who you know could easily do leagues better than his ONEitis girlfriend in the SMP is bawling over her, head in hands, because she’s his ‘One’. Looking at this from the outside we think ‘what the fuck man?’ and try to deductively reason with him about how much better he can do, but what we don’t wrap our heads around is that this guy was conditioned since his earliest years to believe that his ‘snowflake’ is unique in her intrinsic qualities.

Yes, there are guys who blow themselves up over HB 9s that they fantasize over obsessively, but for the vast majority of men (that is to say the Beta 80% of them) this fantasy remains just that, a fantasy. In fact, according to the book A Billion Wicked Thoughts most men reserve their sexual fantasies, and consciously limit their extent, for sexual encounters with women whom they believe are ‘attainable’ to them. This is one explanation for the rise in the popularity of amateur porn, but also, it’s because most men want to fantasize over what they believe might be possible for them to actualize.

I would argue that for most guys with ONEitis this comes as a result of their comparing what they believe their SMV is with the grossly over-inflated SMV value most average women apply to themselves. On average, and with the aid of connectivity and social media, most women presume their SMV value is greatly above that of men. This perception them filters down to the average guy and now you can understand why guys believe that their much lower SMV girlfriends are “the best girl they’ll ever get.”

The Soul Mate Myth

With apologies to Dalrock for thread-jacking his “The one” vs “my one and only” post. After reading Dal’s take on the fallacy of the ONE and picking back through the comments on Casualties I thought I might clarify a few things about the concept of the ONE.

There is no ONE.

There is no ONE. This is the soulmate myth. There are some good Ones and some bad Ones, but there is no ONE. Anyone telling you anything else is selling you something. There are LOTS of ‘special someones’ out there for you, just ask the divorced/widowed person who’s remarried after their “soulmate” has died or moved on.

This was one of my earliest posts back on the SoSuave forums from around 2003-04. I was finishing my degree then and had the Fallacy of the ONE graphically illustrated for me in a psych class one day. I was in class, surrounded by (mostly) much younger students than myself, all very astute and as intellectual as they come for mid twenty-somethings. At one point the discussion had come around to religion and much of the class expressed being agnostic or atheist, or “spiritual, but not religious”. The rationale was of course that religion and belief could be explained as psychological (fear of mortality) constructs that were expanded to sociological dynamics.

Later in that discussion the idea of a ‘soul mate’ came up. The professor didn’t actually use the word ‘soul’, but rather couched the idea by asking for a show of hands as to how many of the class believed “there was a special someone out there for them?” or if they feared “the ONE that got away.” Damn near the entire class raised their hands. For all of their rational empiricism and claims to realism in regards to spirituality, they (almost) unanimously expressed a quasi-Karmic belief in connecting with another idealized person on an intimate level for a lifetime.

Religion of the Soul-Mate

Even the Frat guys and hook-up girls who I knew weren’t expressly looking for anything long term in their dating habits still raised their hands in assent to a belief in a ONE. Some later explained what that ONE meant to them, and most had differing definitions of that idealization – some even admitted to it being an idealization as the discussion progressed – yet almost all of them still had what would otherwise be termed an irrational belief in ‘destiny’ or, even amongst the least spiritual, that it’s just part of life to pair off with someone significant and there was “someone for everyone”.

This discussion was the catalyst for one of my red pill realizations – despite all odds, people largely feel entitled to, or deserving of, an important love of their life. Statistically and pragmatically this is ridiculous, but there it is. The feminized Disney-fication of this core concept has been romanticized and commercialized to the point of it becoming a religion, even for the expressly non-religious. The shakespearean longing for the ONE, the search for another soul (mate) who was destined to be our match has been systematically distorted beyond all reason. And as I elaborated in Casualties men will take their own lives in the delusion of having lost their soul-mate.

Soul-Mate Men

This perversion of the soul-mate myth is attributable to a large part of the feminized social conventions we deal with today. The fear of isolation from our imagined soul-mate, or the fear of having irrecoverably lost that ‘perfect ONE’ for us fuels so much of the personal and social neuroses we find in the Matrix. For example, much of the fear inherent in the Myth of the Lonely Old Man loses its teeth without a core belief in the Soul-Mate Myth. The fear of loss and the delusions of Relational Equity only really matter when the person men believe that equity should influence is their predestined ONE.

The feminine imperative recognized the overwhelming power the Soul-Mate Myth had over men (and women) from the beginnings of its rise to ascendency as the primary gender social imperative. Virtually all of the distortions of the core soul-mate dynamic evolved as a controlling schema for men. When it is soul-mate women who are the primary reward for a soul-mate necessitous man, there are a lot of opportunities to consolidate that power upon. To be clear, don’t think this is some fiendish plot of a fem-centric cabal socially engineering that soul-mate fear into men. Generations of men, raised to be oblivious to it, willingly and actively help perpetuate the Soul-Mate Myth.

Soul-Mate Women

Although Hypergamy plays a large role in determining what makes for an idealized soul-mate for women, they aren’t immune to the exploitations of that core fear. Though it’s more an unfortunate byproduct than an outright manipulation, I’d argue that in some ways hypergamy intensifies that neurosis. Alpha Widows know all too well the languishing associated with pining for the Alpha that got away – particularly when she’s paired off long-term with the dutiful, Beta provider after her SMV decline.

For women, the soul-mate represents that nigh unattainable combination of arousing Alpha dominance matched with a loyal providership for her long term security that only she can tame out of him.

Hypergamy hates the soul-mate principle, because the soul-mate is an absolute definition, whereas hypergamy must alway test for perfection. Hypergamy asks, “Is he the ONE? Is he the ONE?” and the Soul-Mate Myth replies, “He HAS to be the the ONE, he’s your soul-mate, and there’s ONLY one of those.”

Building the Mystery

Due to this core concept and soul-mate mythology, both sexes will seek to perfect that idealization for themselves – even under the least ideal of conditions and expressions. We want to build our intimate relations into that soul-mate idealism in order to relieve the fear and solve the problem, and most times so badly that we’ll deftly ignore the warnings, abuses and consequences of having done so. For women the impact of the most significant Alpha is what initially defines that soul-mate idealization. For men it may be the first woman to become sexual with him or the one who best exemplifies a woman he (mistakenly) believes can love him in a male-defined orientation of love.

However, these are the points of origin for building that soul-mate ideal upon. This ideal is then compounded upon with layers of investments in the hopes that this person “might actually be the one fate has prescribed for them.” Emotional investment, personal, financial, even life-potential investments and sacrifices then follow in an effort to create a soul-mate.

This process is why I say the Soul-Mate Myth is ridiculous – it’s psychologically much more pragmatic to construct another person to fit that ideal than it ever will be to “wait for fate to take its course.” People subscribing to the myth would rather build a soul-mate, consequences be damned. So women will attempt to Build a better Beta, or tame down an Alpha, while men will attempt to turn a whore into a housewife, or vice versa.

One of the most bitter aftertastes of having taken the red pill is abandoning old paradigms for new. I’ve described this before as akin to killing an old friend, and one friend that needs killing is exactly this mythology. Disabusing yourself of this core fear is vital to fully unplugging, because so much of fem-centric social conditioning is dependent upon it.

Dropping the Soul-Mate Myth isn’t the nihilism a lot of people might have you believe it is. If anything it will free you to have a better, healthier future relationship with someone who is genuinely important to you – a relationship based on genuine desire, mutual respect, complementary understanding of each other and love, rather than on a fear of losing your one and only representation of contentment in this life.

Flashes of Alpha

I was about 26 when I was in the waning days of dealing with the neurotic hell that was the BPD woman I had become psychologically ensnared with for almost 3 years at that time. I was sitting in her dorm room wondering just what the hell had happened to the sexualized, happy, and indifferent Alpha junior-rockstar I had been just a few years prior. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I’d gone from idealistic teenager, to organic Alpha, to a defeated, needy beta on a dangerously close slide into omega-tude. Some part of me knew what I needed to do, and as my living situation gradually began to deteriorate the very real prospect of cutting myself loose from who I believed was my “soul mate” only made my depression worse. However, that same part of me was also pissed off.

That relationship was defined by my sickly childish beta mentality combined with the insane co-dependent ravings of a psychotically jealous BPD girl. For her, my character was to be beta, so on the rare occasion I had the temerity to actually get pissed off it was a real call for alarm with her. For a brief moment I had flashed Alpha and that was always a shock since it was so out of character. From the time I was 17 until I was 24 that Alpha was who I was in a more or less natural sense, but after years of my BPD’s constant barrage of insecurity, and my endless attempts to ‘perfect myself’ in order to cure her neurotic jealousy, I was apologetic for any outburst of Alpha no matter how just and righteous my reasons for being so were.

Roissy and a few other manosphere notables have written about how flashes of anger and semi-justifiable bouts of indignation can be a powerful form of demonstrating higher value (DHV). Sometimes these burst are in fact genuine and/or unprompted responses to a situation. These Flashes of Alpha serve as source of stimulus, a shock, to a woman’s regulated, routine perceptions of a man. Semiconsciously checking out another woman, Freudian slips, provoked and unprovoked aggressive responses are all intrinsic examples of these Alpha flashes. It’s a man’s internal Alpha refusing to be restrained by all the social doctrines and conditioning of the feminine imperative.

Unbeknownst to me at the time I was shocking my BPD in a similar fashion back then.

For all of the on again, off again sexual insanity present in that relationship, the occasional flash of Alpha served to spark what had devolved into self-shamed episodes of frigidity dotted with incidents of porn-worthy sexual highs. At that time I didn’t have the fortitude of mind to think that tapping that Alpha energy full-time would make anything better – actually I bought my Matrix conditioning that Alpha was misogyny and to be avoided for fear of offending women’s sensibilities – but I found that when I expressed concern as to where I was going in life, my BPD interpreted this as a threat of losing me (the parasitic host). Just my contemplation of mustering the balls to leave her was both Alpha-exciting for her and cause for hysteric panic at the fear of losing me.

I can remember the day I discovered she’d been fucking some new guy at the college she attended. I lost my fucking mind. There I was, a beta with the patience of Job, content in the amniotic bath of the feminine Matrix conditioning that told me I was doing everything by the rules when she finally copped to the truth. She didn’t tell me outright, I had to discover it by way of her making it so obvious that I couldn’t ignore the truth. Then, Mr. Self-Control who’d tried for so long to allay the fears that he’d be his BPDs loyal boyfriend, Mr. Self-Control who’d endured years of neurotic accusations of even looking sideways at another woman, that guy put his fist through the bathroom wall while she was still in the shower.

I didn’t even think about it. It wasn’t some bravado or some dramatic attempt to convince her, myself or anyone else about how badass I wanted to be – it just happened. I don’t know how else to explain it, but the old Alpha flashed, and at that point her first inclination was to want to fuck me. She made a lame attempt to put on the black lingerie she knew I liked, but I knew she’d fucked this other guy in. The Alpha flashed again. More gina tingles. Then it dawned on me that just a day earlier I had shook hands with the same guy after she’d introduced me to him as one of her classmates. The Alpha was back.

Alpha Shock

I think what a lot of men experience in Matrix-defined relationships has a lot to do with this cycle of Alpha shocks. By way of pre-established beta frame abdication or by a progressive slide into beta supplication, guy’s girlfriends and wives ease into an normalcy where their man is not living up to be the Alpha they’d hoped for, or later realized they truly needed in their relationship. So when that LTR begins to decay and the very real prospect of divorce or breakup is looming, these sporadic flashes of Alpha (really flares of frustration and anger) serve to make a woman pause in her hypergamic assessment of him. For all the seeming discernment women claim to require is necessary to become sexual with a man, that hypergamic sense of discernement is far more pronounced for women to leave a man whom they’ve already established a sense of security with.

There is a greater need for certainty in a woman’s decision to leave a man than there ever will be for her to fuck a man for the first time.

I’ve posed the question to women before, what’s the best sexual experience you’ve had; after a date-night where your man spared no trouble or expense to make a “romantic evening” for you, or was it the make-up sex after you’ve had a blow out fight, just a hair’s breadth from him walking out of your life forever? Every one has said the make-up sex was best – some conceived children as a result of it.

Those flashes of Alpha are cyclic. Women thrive on indignation to be sure, but it’s the uncertainty in their hypergamic doubt that makes it exciting and the mundane beta security sufferable. A lot of what men construe as Drama Queen behavior is the direct result of this beta-Alpha-beta cycle. The more stable, healthy relationship follows an Alpha-beta-Alpha frame where the man maintains his Alpha presence, with just an occasional beta episode to “prove he’s human”.