There is no One.

ONEitis is paralysis. You cease to mature, you cease to move, you cease to be you.

There is no ONE. This is the soulmate myth. There are some good Ones and some bad Ones, but there is no ONE. Anyone telling you anything else is selling you something. There are LOTS of ‘special someones’ out there for you, just ask the divorced/widowed person who’s remarried after their “soulmate” has died or moved on.

This is what trips people up about the soul-mate myth, it is this fantasy that we all at least in some way share an idealization of – that there is ONE perfect mate for each of us, and as soon as the planets align and fate takes it’s course we’ll know that we’re ‘intended’ for each other. And while this may make for a gratifying romantic comedy plot, it’s hardly a realistic way to plan your life. In fact it’s usually paralyzing.

What I find even more fascinating is how common the idea is (mostly for guys) that a nuts & bolts view of life should be trumped by this fantasy in the area of inter-sexual relationships. Guys who would otherwise recognize the value of understanding psychology, biology, sociology, evolution, business, engineering, etc. and the interplay we see these take place in our lives on a daily basis, are some of the first guys to become violently opposed to the idea that maybe there isn’t ‘someone for everyone’ or that there are a lot more ONEs out there that could meet or exceed the criteria we subconsciously set for them to be the ONE. I think it comes off as nihilistic or this dread that maybe their ego investment in this belief is false- it’s like saying God is dead to the deeply religious. It’s just too terrible to contemplate that there maybe no ONE or there maybe several ONEs to spend their lives with. This western romanticized mythology is based on the premise that there is only ONE perfect mate for any single individual and as much as a lifetime can and should be spent in constant search of this ‘soulmate.’ So strong and so pervasive is this myth in our collective society that it has become akin to a religious statement and in fact has been integrated into many religious doctrines as feminization of western culture has spread.

I think there’s been a mischaracterization of ONEitis. It’s necessary to differentiate between a healthy relationship based on mutual respect and a lopsided ONEitis based relationship. I’ve had more than a few guys seeking my advice, or challenging my take on ONEitis, essentially ask me for permission to accept ONEitis as legitimate monogamy. In my estimation ONEitis is an unhealthy psychological dependency that is the direct result of the continuous socialization of the soulmate myth in pop culture. What’s truly frightening is that ONEitis has become associated with being a healthy normative aspect of an LTR or marriage.

I come to the conclusion that ONEitis is based in sociological roots, not only due to it being a statement of personal belief, but by the degree to which this ideology is disseminated and mass marketed in popular culture through media, music, literature, movies, etc. Dating services like eHarmony shamelessly marketeer and exploit exactly the insecurities that this dynamic engenders in people desperately searching for the ONE “they were intended for.” The idea that men possess a natural capacity for protection, provisioning and monogamy has merit from both a social and bio-psychological standpoint, but a ONEitis psychosis is not a byproduct of it. Rather, I would set it apart from this healthy protector/provider dynamic since ONEitis essentially sabotages what our natural propensities would otherwise filter.

ONEitis is insecurity run amok while a person is single, and potentially paralyzing when coupled with the object of that ONEitis in an LTR. The same neurotic desperation that drives a person to settle for their ONE whether healthy or unhealthy is the same insecurity that paralyzes them from abandoning a damaging relationship – This is their ONE and how could they ever live without them? Or, they’re my ONE, but all I need is to fix myself or fix them to have my idealized relationship. And this idealization of a relationship is at the root of ONEitis. With such a limiting, all-or-nothing binary approach to searching for ONE needle in the haystack, and investing emotional effort over the course of a lifetime, how do we mature into a healthy understanding of what that relationship should really entail? The very pollyanna, idealized relationship – the “happily ever after” – that belief in a ONE promotes as an ultimate end, is thwarted and contradicted by the costs of the constant pursuit of the ONE for which they’ll settle for. After the better part of a lifetime is invested in this ideology, how much more difficult will it be to come to the realization that the person they’re with isn’t their ONE? To what extents will a person go to in order to protect a lifetime of this ego investment?

At some point in a ONEitis relationship one participant will establish dominance based on the powerlessness that this ONEitis necessitates. There is no greater agency for a woman than to know beyond doubt that she is the only source of a man’s need for sex and intimacy. ONEitis only cements this into the understanding of both parties. For a man who believes that the emotionally and psychologically damaging relationship he has ego-invested himself  is with the only person in his lifetime he’s ever going to be compatible with, there is nothing more paralyzing in his maturation. The same of course holds true for women, and this is why we shake our heads when the beautiful HB 9 goes chasing back to her abusive and indifferent Jerk boyfriend, because she believes he is her ONE and the only source of security available to her. Hypergamy may be her root imperative for sticking with him, but it’s the soul-mate myth, the fear of the “ONE that got away” that makes for the emotional investment.

The definition of Power is not financial success, status or influence over others, but the degree to which we have control over our own lives. Subscribing to the soulmate mythology necessitates that we recognize powerlessness in this arena of our lives. Better I think it would be to foster a healthy understanding that there is no ONE. There are some good Ones and there are some bad Ones, but there is no ONE.


56 responses to “There is no One.

  • Y

    I always thought this idea of the One was something women preoccupied themselves with.

    In any case, it definitely comes from a scarcity mindset.

  • Marellus

    The definition of Power is not financial success, status or influence over others, but the degree to which we have control over our own lives.

  • Deep Dish

    In psychology, there is the concept of the locus of control. People with an external locus of control feel their life is governed by external forces, whereas people with an internal locus of control feel in charge of and lead the path of their life. People with an internal locus of control are less influenced by authority. There is the paradox of how an entrepreneurial businessman, who has an otherwise internal locus of control of his life, can still fall for the external locus of control in matters of love, but of course the key difference, I would think, is emotion. To question love is as taboo as religion: it’s unquestionable.

  • Good Luck Chuck

    The soulmate myth is yet another mystical concept that can be exploited by savvy men to extract cheap sex from gullible women.

  • Rollo Tomassi On Oneitis « Johnny Milfquest's Horn of Plenty

    […] I had read some of Rollo’s comments over at Roissy’s blog and I knew about his forum, but I wasn’t aware of Rollo’s blog until a Badger Hut commenter tipped me off. I particularly liked Rollo’s post on Oneitis. […]

  • detinennui32

    Brilliant.

  • Enter White Knight «

    […] validation for his mindset. “See, you just have to be a patient nice guy and the right ONE really does come along.” This is when the self-righteous phase begins and he can begin […]

  • Five Minutes of Alpha «

    […] with the billboard chart topping hit/video released by Hudson Perry aptly entitled “The ONE that got away” (*apologies for subjecting my readership to this audio mayonaise), wherein we […]

  • The Peacekeepers «

    […] the peace” in the face of a bad situation with their wives than risk that loss (of the ONE or otherwise), and be cast back into uncertain conditions where they may actually grow, but again […]

  • Backwards to Zero «

    […] so don’t bother. Go back to Just Being Yourself and eventually you’ll meet the right ONE.” This is the mantra we’ve come to expect from White Knights, but it’s […]

  • Hypocrites & Little Emperors «

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    […] There is No ONE […]

  • Michael Soutar

    This should be taught to all teenagers in all schools in all countries. Girls especially are bombarded with romantic stories from books to TV to film where the ONE idea is implanted and fertilized. Totally unrelated item: I’m reading this post exactly a year after it was published.

  • A. Context « the professor

    […] One-itis – http://rationalmale.wordpress.com/2011/08/30/there-is-no-one/ […]

  • Casualties «

    […] is why I argue that ONEitis is a mental disorder, and in extreme cases, has the potential to be terminal. As I stated, if a man internalizes for […]

  • necorochi

    Technically if it was not morally bad to fuck/date multiple women at once then we really wouldn’t care as much about the “One” but since the Matrix and the feminine imperative are ruthlessly trying to strip us of our masculinity then we almost have no choice besides people like us.

  • Manosphere: Breaking Up, Moving On and Getting Over a Girl … or… This Post May Save Your Life | 3rd Millenium Men

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  • Oneitis - The Disease - The 3 Bromigos

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  • konoron

    Quote: “I think there’s been a mischaracterization of ONEitis. It’s necessary to differentiate between a healthy relationship based on mutual respect and a lopsided ONEitis based relationship.”

    No mischaracterization whatsoever. Oneitis is a lopsided relationship, opposed to a healthy relationship, identified as LTR (Long Term Relationship).

  • She doesn't think she cheated! - Page 20

    […] She doesn't think she cheated! Courtesy of Rollo Tomassi of The Rational Male There is no One. | ONEitis is paralysis. You cease to mature, you cease to move, you cease to be you. There is no […]

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  • Pere

    Anyone thought about Alain Badiou? The one is not – but there is an ‘of the one’. Which I think sums up oneitis – for better and for worse.

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  • Bobb Dobbs

    “Love” or “psychological attachment” is not a social construct, it is an evolutionarily selected trait. Like any inborn impulse, we tend to rationalize our behaviors — such as with our favorite topic, female hypergamy.

    ONEitis is the expression of this bonding trait. It is no more explained as a social construct than thunder and lightning is explained as the wrath of angry gods.

    It’s true there is no “special one”, but that is largely irrelevant to the fact that these impulses kick in at an animalistic level, below and beyond the reaches of the upper layers of our intellects.

    If you are smitten by someone, either you actualize it or you suffer through it — regardless of your understanding about its cause. The longing and the pain are barely effected by such knowledge, though, of course, a rational understanding is beneficial when considering actions to address the pain.

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  • Don Jon | The Pillars of Hercules

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    […] for the record, I’d argue that ONEitis, however extreme, is in fact a mental […]

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  • Quora

    Is there someone for everyone? I feel that I will never find that one special girl. That I am doomed to be alone.

    Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let’s recalibrate our scales here fellas. Please believe me when I say from experience that there is no such thing as “The One” (for women or men). Some rational males refer to this dangerous disease as “One-itis” and its deleter…

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    […] aspect men innately apply to a high SMV mating prospect. Mark also correctly identifies how ONEitis influences and reinforces this dynamic, as well as its utility to transactional […]

  • rlsmith

    this seems appropriate:

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    […] going on outside. Aloof is just the tip of the iceberg to describe to this mentally of one. There is no one. When you look at the world in a pragmatic sense its hard not to see how this is not true. Just […]

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  • 20 Questions |

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    […] is also one reason men become so prone to ONEitis both inside and outside this contrived, transactional, sort of attraction. Men are the True […]

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  • Rational Male – Q&A |

    […] suckup, :insert invective here:?” While I’m not sold on the idea that women ever get ONEitis for a guy, I am thoroughly convinced that women being 1-2 SMV points below a particular man […]

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    […] an undeserving woman, for that’s what socially expected of him. Worse, he succumbs to his oneitis: a mental hoax again partly influenced by his societal […]

  • kobayashii1681

    1000 fish in the sea…literally

  • The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi | Patient Ambition

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    […] his oneitis, Hank embodies many elements of alpha, such as his outcome independence and cocky funny attitude. […]

  • James

    How much money does she have?

    Two can play this game.

  • James

    How much money does she have?

    Two can play this game.

    Since we threw the whole concept of trust, love, and understanding between the sexes out with the bathwater a couple of generations ago.

  • Shade

    Good article. I like your perspective. This ONEitis can probably also be referred to as codependency in clinical psychology. Codependency as a term is fairly broad and can relate to many different subjects of dependency… but it is the idea that a person becomes unhealthily tied/preoccupied (dependent) to another person, substance, etc. The person is their life and reality, the focus of all their energy and time; the person is entirely controlled or tries to entirely control their subject of dependence. Anyone interested should check it out. I like that you acknowledge specifically the soul mate myth and how that works against people. That is something that gets ignored and SO many people are unaware of. Just wanted to put more information out there for you or anyone who reads this. -Shade

  • Gabriel Prince (@GabrielPrince19)

    I enjoyed reading this because it exposes the dark side of monogamy. Well done. There are plenty of non-monogamous relationships and marriages out there that nobody’s talking about. There is an alternative to monogamy.

  • yannick

    This is the best website i have been too every since i started reading theses alpha male books, i am 43y old i was in a relationship for 9 years with a women that was semi mental. And for the past 2 years i was actually trying to find someone else. Most women i spoke to have 2 kids full time, they have no hobbies and there life sucks. I was feeling lonely and all until i arrived on this website. And you know what, reading it made me realize that i never had kids, but i don’t have to hassle with a lot of stuff, i am single and i can do what ever i want. Reading this website lifted my spirit, and made me feel great made me realize that a lot of people who are married or in couple are miserable like one of my friend who i went to Cuba with 17y with is girlfriend he told me i am not sure i am even happy with her. While i am having so much fun with 25y old women, okey i keep fit and all and in shape, he is 300 pounds ahh but even then. There are lots of positive to a single life. Been single for 2 years now and i really think i am going to stop searching for that stupid soul mate. God bless this wonderful blog.

  • The Timeless Female Abuse Of Love

    […] seen how the Madonna and the whore can be the same woman – and like love, there is no ideal woman. There are no certainties in life except change and the grim reaper, and women are not immune to […]

  • Confessions of a PUA |

    […] I might win the girl over eventually. But over time (and it wouldn’t take long), her unquenchable infatuation for me would fade, as her attentions and guilt returned to her boyfriend. This always left me feeling abandoned and invisible; desire that could be quenched was not nearly enough for me. As soon as I could, then, I would start seducing another girl, by turning myself into an entirely different guy, in order to attract an entirely different woman. These episodes of shape-shifting cost me though. I would lose weight, sleep, dignity, clarity. As anyone who has ever watched a werewolf movie knows, transmutation is excruciating and terrifying, but once that process has been set into motion — once you have glimpsed that full moon — it cannot be reversed. I could endure these painful episodes only by assuring myself: ‘‘This is the last time. This girl is the ONE.’’ […]

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