There is no One.

ONEitis is paralysis. You cease to mature, you cease to move, you cease to be you.

There is no ONE. This is the soulmate myth. There are some good Ones and some bad Ones, but there is no ONE. Anyone telling you anything else is selling you something. There are LOTS of ‘special someones’ out there for you, just ask the divorced/widowed person who’s remarried after their “soulmate” has died or moved on.

This is what trips people up about the soul-mate myth, it is this fantasy that we all at least in some way share an idealization of – that there is ONE perfect mate for each of us, and as soon as the planets align and fate takes it’s course we’ll know that we’re ‘intended’ for each other. And while this may make for a gratifying romantic comedy plot, it’s hardly a realistic way to plan your life. In fact it’s usually paralyzing.

What I find even more fascinating is how common the idea is (mostly for guys) that a nuts & bolts view of life should be trumped by this fantasy in the area of inter-sexual relationships. Guys who would otherwise recognize the value of understanding psychology, biology, sociology, evolution, business, engineering, etc. and the interplay we see these take place in our lives on a daily basis, are some of the first guys to become violently opposed to the idea that maybe there isn’t ‘someone for everyone’ or that there are a lot more ONEs out there that could meet or exceed the criteria we subconsciously set for them to be the ONE. I think it comes off as nihilistic or this dread that maybe their ego investment in this belief is false- it’s like saying God is dead to the deeply religious. It’s just too terrible to contemplate that there maybe no ONE or there maybe several ONEs to spend their lives with. This western romanticized mythology is based on the premise that there is only ONE perfect mate for any single individual and as much as a lifetime can and should be spent in constant search of this ‘soulmate.’ So strong and so pervasive is this myth in our collective society that it has become akin to a religious statement and in fact has been integrated into many religious doctrines as feminization of western culture has spread.

I think there’s been a mischaracterization of ONEitis. It’s necessary to differentiate between a healthy relationship based on mutual respect and a lopsided ONEitis based relationship. I’ve had more than a few guys seeking my advice, or challenging my take on ONEitis, essentially ask me for permission to accept ONEitis as legitimate monogamy. In my estimation ONEitis is an unhealthy psychological dependency that is the direct result of the continuous socialization of the soulmate myth in pop culture. What’s truly frightening is that ONEitis has become associated with being a healthy normative aspect of an LTR or marriage.

I come to the conclusion that ONEitis is based in sociological roots, not only due to it being a statement of personal belief, but by the degree to which this ideology is disseminated and mass marketed in popular culture through media, music, literature, movies, etc. Dating services like eHarmony shamelessly marketeer and exploit exactly the insecurities that this dynamic engenders in people desperately searching for the ONE “they were intended for.” The idea that men possess a natural capacity for protection, provisioning and monogamy has merit from both a social and bio-psychological standpoint, but a ONEitis psychosis is not a byproduct of it. Rather, I would set it apart from this healthy protector/provider dynamic since ONEitis essentially sabotages what our natural propensities would otherwise filter.

ONEitis is insecurity run amok while a person is single, and potentially paralyzing when coupled with the object of that ONEitis in an LTR. The same neurotic desperation that drives a person to settle for their ONE whether healthy or unhealthy is the same insecurity that paralyzes them from abandoning a damaging relationship – This is their ONE and how could they ever live without them? Or, they’re my ONE, but all I need is to fix myself or fix them to have my idealized relationship. And this idealization of a relationship is at the root of ONEitis. With such a limiting, all-or-nothing binary approach to searching for ONE needle in the haystack, and investing emotional effort over the course of a lifetime, how do we mature into a healthy understanding of what that relationship should really entail? The very pollyanna, idealized relationship – the “happily ever after” – that belief in a ONE promotes as an ultimate end, is thwarted and contradicted by the costs of the constant pursuit of the ONE for which they’ll settle for. After the better part of a lifetime is invested in this ideology, how much more difficult will it be to come to the realization that the person they’re with isn’t their ONE? To what extents will a person go to in order to protect a lifetime of this ego investment?

At some point in a ONEitis relationship one participant will establish dominance based on the powerlessness that this ONEitis necessitates. There is no greater agency for a woman than to know beyond doubt that she is the only source of a man’s need for sex and intimacy. ONEitis only cements this into the understanding of both parties. For a man who believes that the emotionally and psychologically damaging relationship he has ego-invested himself  is with the only person in his lifetime he’s ever going to be compatible with, there is nothing more paralyzing in his maturation. The same of course holds true for women, and this is why we shake our heads when the beautiful HB 9 goes chasing back to her abusive and indifferent Jerk boyfriend, because she believes he is her ONE and the only source of security available to her. Hypergamy may be her root imperative for sticking with him, but it’s the soul-mate myth, the fear of the “ONE that got away” that makes for the emotional investment.

The definition of Power is not financial success, status or influence over others, but the degree to which we have control over our own lives. Subscribing to the soulmate mythology necessitates that we recognize powerlessness in this arena of our lives. Better I think it would be to foster a healthy understanding that there is no ONE. There are some good Ones and there are some bad Ones, but there is no ONE.

About Rollo Tomassi

Author of The Rational Male and The Rational Male, Preventive Medicine View all posts by Rollo Tomassi

71 responses to “There is no One.

  • Y

    I always thought this idea of the One was something women preoccupied themselves with.

    In any case, it definitely comes from a scarcity mindset.

  • Marellus

    The definition of Power is not financial success, status or influence over others, but the degree to which we have control over our own lives.

  • Deep Dish

    In psychology, there is the concept of the locus of control. People with an external locus of control feel their life is governed by external forces, whereas people with an internal locus of control feel in charge of and lead the path of their life. People with an internal locus of control are less influenced by authority. There is the paradox of how an entrepreneurial businessman, who has an otherwise internal locus of control of his life, can still fall for the external locus of control in matters of love, but of course the key difference, I would think, is emotion. To question love is as taboo as religion: it’s unquestionable.

  • Good Luck Chuck

    The soulmate myth is yet another mystical concept that can be exploited by savvy men to extract cheap sex from gullible women.

  • Rollo Tomassi On Oneitis « Johnny Milfquest's Horn of Plenty

    […] I had read some of Rollo’s comments over at Roissy’s blog and I knew about his forum, but I wasn’t aware of Rollo’s blog until a Badger Hut commenter tipped me off. I particularly liked Rollo’s post on Oneitis. […]

  • detinennui32


  • Enter White Knight «

    […] validation for his mindset. “See, you just have to be a patient nice guy and the right ONE really does come along.” This is when the self-righteous phase begins and he can begin […]

  • Five Minutes of Alpha «

    […] with the billboard chart topping hit/video released by Hudson Perry aptly entitled “The ONE that got away” (*apologies for subjecting my readership to this audio mayonaise), wherein we […]

  • The Peacekeepers «

    […] the peace” in the face of a bad situation with their wives than risk that loss (of the ONE or otherwise), and be cast back into uncertain conditions where they may actually grow, but again […]

  • Backwards to Zero «

    […] so don’t bother. Go back to Just Being Yourself and eventually you’ll meet the right ONE.” This is the mantra we’ve come to expect from White Knights, but it’s […]

  • Hypocrites & Little Emperors «

    […] the Game well enough to fit their personal capacity to get with their ‘believable’ ONEitis girl who they just know is their perfect soul-mate. They’ll play the Game realistically and […]

  • Year One «

    […] There is No ONE […]

  • Michael Soutar

    This should be taught to all teenagers in all schools in all countries. Girls especially are bombarded with romantic stories from books to TV to film where the ONE idea is implanted and fertilized. Totally unrelated item: I’m reading this post exactly a year after it was published.

  • A. Context « the professor

    […] One-itis – […]

  • Casualties «

    […] is why I argue that ONEitis is a mental disorder, and in extreme cases, has the potential to be terminal. As I stated, if a man internalizes for […]

  • necorochi

    Technically if it was not morally bad to fuck/date multiple women at once then we really wouldn’t care as much about the “One” but since the Matrix and the feminine imperative are ruthlessly trying to strip us of our masculinity then we almost have no choice besides people like us.

  • Manosphere: Breaking Up, Moving On and Getting Over a Girl … or… This Post May Save Your Life | 3rd Millenium Men

    […] is why I argue that ONEitis is a mental disorder, and in extreme cases, has the potential to be terminal. As I stated, if a man internalizes for […]

  • The Hits Keep Coming | Exceed and Lead

    […] do that to a guy. There’s a saying I tell young(er) guys when they think they’ve found the one at an early age. If life is a race, you haven’t even arrived at the track yet, much less hit […]

  • Book Review: The Girlfriend Game

    […] can do. The irony is that a committed, monogamous man runs the risk of losing his treasured “One” by becoming needy. As stated in the book, “replacing neediness with abundance is the […]

  • Oneitis - The Disease - The 3 Bromigos

    […] course his journey starts from the myth about THE ONE. The Soul Mate myth, which has been socially conditioned into men and women through their formative […]

  • konoron

    Quote: “I think there’s been a mischaracterization of ONEitis. It’s necessary to differentiate between a healthy relationship based on mutual respect and a lopsided ONEitis based relationship.”

    No mischaracterization whatsoever. Oneitis is a lopsided relationship, opposed to a healthy relationship, identified as LTR (Long Term Relationship).

  • She doesn't think she cheated! - Page 20

    […] She doesn't think she cheated! Courtesy of Rollo Tomassi of The Rational Male There is no One. | ONEitis is paralysis. You cease to mature, you cease to move, you cease to be you. There is no […]

  • The One… | My journey to thrive….

    […] soulmate mythology necessitates that we recognize powerlessness in this arena of our lives. – Rollo, RationalMale – There is no […]

  • Pere

    Anyone thought about Alain Badiou? The one is not – but there is an ‘of the one’. Which I think sums up oneitis – for better and for worse.

  • Life Goes On | welcometothelifestyle

    […] and worst experiences that life has to offer. It is absolutely vital that you understand it. There is no soul-mate. Believing in a kind of romantic fatalism is not nearly as poetic or glorious as it sounds. What […]

  • Bobb Dobbs

    “Love” or “psychological attachment” is not a social construct, it is an evolutionarily selected trait. Like any inborn impulse, we tend to rationalize our behaviors — such as with our favorite topic, female hypergamy.

    ONEitis is the expression of this bonding trait. It is no more explained as a social construct than thunder and lightning is explained as the wrath of angry gods.

    It’s true there is no “special one”, but that is largely irrelevant to the fact that these impulses kick in at an animalistic level, below and beyond the reaches of the upper layers of our intellects.

    If you are smitten by someone, either you actualize it or you suffer through it — regardless of your understanding about its cause. The longing and the pain are barely effected by such knowledge, though, of course, a rational understanding is beneficial when considering actions to address the pain.

  • Letting “Her” Go | Red Pill Rationality

    […] A bitter pill to swallow isnt it? Knowing deep down there there is no one magical girl out there for you at the end of the tunnel. Yeah, it hurts to let go of this ideal because its something thats been beaten into you for the extent of your time on this earth.  […]

  • Don Jon | The Pillars of Hercules

    […] skills. Act two is more interesting and, you could argue, is all about the manosphere concept of Oneitis. The subject of Jon’s oneitis is Scarlett Johanson’s character, Barbara. She is awful, […]

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    […] this possessiveness might seem bad enough, but when it’s combined with ONEitis (the soul-mate myth), a Scarcity Mentality, a subscribing to the myth of Relational Equity or […]

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    […] for the record, I’d argue that ONEitis, however extreme, is in fact a mental […]

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    […] There is no One, depedestalizing women […]

  • Quora

    Is there someone for everyone? I feel that I will never find that one special girl. That I am doomed to be alone.

    Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let’s recalibrate our scales here fellas. Please believe me when I say from experience that there is no such thing as “The One” (for women or men). Some rational males refer to this dangerous disease as “One-itis” and its deleter…

  • Homosexuality |

    […] aspect men innately apply to a high SMV mating prospect. Mark also correctly identifies how ONEitis influences and reinforces this dynamic, as well as its utility to transactional […]

  • rlsmith

    this seems appropriate:

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    […] going on outside. Aloof is just the tip of the iceberg to describe to this mentally of one. There is no one. When you look at the world in a pragmatic sense its hard not to see how this is not true. Just […]

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    […] I see why this reaction is as it is even more when you add in the element of God into the mix. Like this post right here explains as well, people have love more connected to some other worldly thing that is pass human […]

  • 20 Questions |

    […] is that a nebulous ‘being of oneself’ should be enough for anyone (or ‘the right ONE‘) to be attracted to, and discourages any real self-analysis or improvement. ONEitis and Just […]

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    […] 2.0. The next thing I recommend after reading this article is to read Rollo Tomassi’s piece There Is No One. Luckily, as she started talking about her special ex, the one she truly loved, I started to see […]

  • Alpha Tells |

    […] is also one reason men become so prone to ONEitis both inside and outside this contrived, transactional, sort of attraction. Men are the True […]

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    […] Source: There is no ONE. […]

  • Rational Male – Q&A |

    […] suckup, :insert invective here:?” While I’m not sold on the idea that women ever get ONEitis for a guy, I am thoroughly convinced that women being 1-2 SMV points below a particular man […]

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    […] an undeserving woman, for that’s what socially expected of him. Worse, he succumbs to his oneitis: a mental hoax again partly influenced by his societal […]

  • kobayashii1681

    1000 fish in the sea…literally

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    […] elements that have been critical to my personal development over the past several years, namely: ONEitis (a subsection of The Basics) and Plate […]

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    […] parcial y reinterpretación del artículo: There is no One escrito por Rollo Tomassi para The Rational […]

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    […] his oneitis, Hank embodies many elements of alpha, such as his outcome independence and cocky funny attitude. […]

  • James

    How much money does she have?

    Two can play this game.

  • James

    How much money does she have?

    Two can play this game.

    Since we threw the whole concept of trust, love, and understanding between the sexes out with the bathwater a couple of generations ago.

  • Shade

    Good article. I like your perspective. This ONEitis can probably also be referred to as codependency in clinical psychology. Codependency as a term is fairly broad and can relate to many different subjects of dependency… but it is the idea that a person becomes unhealthily tied/preoccupied (dependent) to another person, substance, etc. The person is their life and reality, the focus of all their energy and time; the person is entirely controlled or tries to entirely control their subject of dependence. Anyone interested should check it out. I like that you acknowledge specifically the soul mate myth and how that works against people. That is something that gets ignored and SO many people are unaware of. Just wanted to put more information out there for you or anyone who reads this. -Shade

  • Gabriel Prince (@GabrielPrince19)

    I enjoyed reading this because it exposes the dark side of monogamy. Well done. There are plenty of non-monogamous relationships and marriages out there that nobody’s talking about. There is an alternative to monogamy.

  • yannick

    This is the best website i have been too every since i started reading theses alpha male books, i am 43y old i was in a relationship for 9 years with a women that was semi mental. And for the past 2 years i was actually trying to find someone else. Most women i spoke to have 2 kids full time, they have no hobbies and there life sucks. I was feeling lonely and all until i arrived on this website. And you know what, reading it made me realize that i never had kids, but i don’t have to hassle with a lot of stuff, i am single and i can do what ever i want. Reading this website lifted my spirit, and made me feel great made me realize that a lot of people who are married or in couple are miserable like one of my friend who i went to Cuba with 17y with is girlfriend he told me i am not sure i am even happy with her. While i am having so much fun with 25y old women, okey i keep fit and all and in shape, he is 300 pounds ahh but even then. There are lots of positive to a single life. Been single for 2 years now and i really think i am going to stop searching for that stupid soul mate. God bless this wonderful blog.

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  • Confessions of a PUA |

    […] I might win the girl over eventually. But over time (and it wouldn’t take long), her unquenchable infatuation for me would fade, as her attentions and guilt returned to her boyfriend. This always left me feeling abandoned and invisible; desire that could be quenched was not nearly enough for me. As soon as I could, then, I would start seducing another girl, by turning myself into an entirely different guy, in order to attract an entirely different woman. These episodes of shape-shifting cost me though. I would lose weight, sleep, dignity, clarity. As anyone who has ever watched a werewolf movie knows, transmutation is excruciating and terrifying, but once that process has been set into motion — once you have glimpsed that full moon — it cannot be reversed. I could endure these painful episodes only by assuring myself: ‘‘This is the last time. This girl is the ONE.’’ […]

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    […] I don't either, I guess that's why I need to go talk to someone. it's called "one-itis." It's paralyzing. Grieve your relationship ending – it's imperative and healthy. Stop jonesing for your exwife. […]

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    […] emotional connection = I stayed up all night with oneitis for the girl who rejected […]

  • Hoes Ain’t Loyal…It is what it is! | 254Unplugged

    […] there will always be women who WANT to replace them- Men need this drummed into their heads – There are some good Ones and some bad Ones, but there is no ONE. Case in point, the cunt reflects; “My friends have judged me and one has threatened to tell […]

  • Open Relationships |

    […] Beta conditioning of believing that ‘going steady’ monogamy and only banging the ONE girl was the right thing to […]

  • The Red Pill Balance |

    […] It seems like this is the predicament red pill awareness puts us in when we have to consider the value of our formerly beta self. What makes the beta the beta is his weakness, of course, but it is simultaneously his civility. We’re not defective people for wanting or even needing the possibility love, empathy, truth, friendship, kindness, and – above all else – trust in our lives. It just makes us human. If we project our deeply rooted desires for these things and treat others the way we want to be treated, wouldn’t society be better off for it? And isn’t this what the supplicating, loyal beta does when latches on to a woman he believes to the “the One?” […]

  • Kt

    Actually there is the ONE but to find them you have to meet other ONES first

  • Marco

    We can also blame Disney for this. Think about it. Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Aladin, Princess and the Frog, The Little Mermaid, A Bugs Life, Pocahontas, The Nightmare Before Christmas, etc…

  • kfg

    “We can also blame Disney for this.”

    You can, but Disney took his stories from the public domain.

  • Rehab and work… – NQS

    […] Let’s start here with dispelling that old “There is only one person for me…” crap from a great article over at TheRationalMale. […]

  • How Modern Societies Are Training Men Not To Marry

    […] is to stall marriage until he finds a “virtuous” woman (if he ever manages to find one) whose flaws he could tolerate after her beauty fades […]

  • Neco

    I am speaking from a female perspective here but this is bizarre. You are complaining about a litteral sense of the phrase “he/she is the one” is this correct? Maybe I am too simple but isn’t saying someone is or isn’t the “one” a saying not a myth? Like this dress is not the one, this guy is not the one, this house is not the one…I did not think anyone really took the fairytale idealistic view of prince charming and snow white as reality, yes diluted and crazy is this idea of true love. Saying there is no right person for you is different entirely. That is like saying no one truly knows what their favorite food is or how they like to relax. No relationship is fairytale perfect but there are people who are happy together. The article sounds to me like a person trying to say since there is no such thing as fairytale true love there is no such thing as a truly happy couple. That is not true I can give you proof, my grandparents were married for 65 years happily. I work with a man who praises his wife and loves her dearly and they have been married for 15 years. It is not about finding a perfect person it’s about loving a imperfect person perfectly. My right person may match 30 peoples description but there will only be the one I choose to be with out of love and respect for that person. Why is this wrong? There is much more than ideas and faith going into picking a mate. Chemistry, hormones, matching ideas, morals and goals a just a few parts of deciding if you want to spend any amount of time with someone. There is no magical force driving it to happen but getting to know someone and deciding if they are right for you is not a myth.

  • The Cardinal Rule of Sexual Strategies |

    […] had just written what would later become my essay, There is no One and a good majority of my classmates and all of my teachers but one were less than accepting of […]

  • Sympathy for the Devil | SovietMen

    […] the true Original Sin right there: oneitis.  Had Adam read my blog world history would have turned out very differently.  He’d be […]

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