There is no One.

ONEitis is paralysis. You cease to mature, you cease to move, you cease to be you.

There is no ONE. This is the soulmate myth. There are some good Ones and some bad Ones, but there is no ONE. Anyone telling you anything else is selling you something. There are LOTS of ‘special someones’ out there for you, just ask the divorced/widowed person who’s remarried after their “soulmate” has died or moved on.

This is what trips people up about the soul-mate myth, it is this fantasy that we all at least in some way share an idealization of – that there is ONE perfect mate for each of us, and as soon as the planets align and fate takes it’s course we’ll know that we’re ‘intended’ for each other. And while this may make for a gratifying romantic comedy plot, it’s hardly a realistic way to plan your life. In fact it’s usually paralyzing.

What I find even more fascinating is how common the idea is (mostly for guys) that a nuts & bolts view of life should be trumped by this fantasy in the area of inter-sexual relationships. Guys who would otherwise recognize the value of understanding psychology, biology, sociology, evolution, business, engineering, etc. and the interplay we see these take place in our lives on a daily basis, are some of the first guys to become violently opposed to the idea that maybe there isn’t ‘someone for everyone’ or that there are a lot more ONEs out there that could meet or exceed the criteria we subconsciously set for them to be the ONE. I think it comes off as nihilistic or this dread that maybe their ego investment in this belief is false- it’s like saying God is dead to the deeply religious. It’s just too terrible to contemplate that there maybe no ONE or there maybe several ONEs to spend their lives with. This western romanticized mythology is based on the premise that there is only ONE perfect mate for any single individual and as much as a lifetime can and should be spent in constant search of this ‘soulmate.’ So strong and so pervasive is this myth in our collective society that it has become akin to a religious statement and in fact has been integrated into many religious doctrines as feminization of western culture has spread.

I think there’s been a mischaracterization of ONEitis. It’s necessary to differentiate between a healthy relationship based on mutual respect and a lopsided ONEitis based relationship. I’ve had more than a few guys seeking my advice, or challenging my take on ONEitis, essentially ask me for permission to accept ONEitis as legitimate monogamy. In my estimation ONEitis is an unhealthy psychological dependency that is the direct result of the continuous socialization of the soulmate myth in pop culture. What’s truly frightening is that ONEitis has become associated with being a healthy normative aspect of an LTR or marriage.

I come to the conclusion that ONEitis is based in sociological roots, not only due to it being a statement of personal belief, but by the degree to which this ideology is disseminated and mass marketed in popular culture through media, music, literature, movies, etc. Dating services like eHarmony shamelessly marketeer and exploit exactly the insecurities that this dynamic engenders in people desperately searching for the ONE “they were intended for.” The idea that men possess a natural capacity for protection, provisioning and monogamy has merit from both a social and bio-psychological standpoint, but a ONEitis psychosis is not a byproduct of it. Rather, I would set it apart from this healthy protector/provider dynamic since ONEitis essentially sabotages what our natural propensities would otherwise filter.

ONEitis is insecurity run amok while a person is single, and potentially paralyzing when coupled with the object of that ONEitis in an LTR. The same neurotic desperation that drives a person to settle for their ONE whether healthy or unhealthy is the same insecurity that paralyzes them from abandoning a damaging relationship – This is their ONE and how could they ever live without them? Or, they’re my ONE, but all I need is to fix myself or fix them to have my idealized relationship. And this idealization of a relationship is at the root of ONEitis. With such a limiting, all-or-nothing binary approach to searching for ONE needle in the haystack, and investing emotional effort over the course of a lifetime, how do we mature into a healthy understanding of what that relationship should really entail? The very pollyanna, idealized relationship – the “happily ever after” – that belief in a ONE promotes as an ultimate end, is thwarted and contradicted by the costs of the constant pursuit of the ONE for which they’ll settle for. After the better part of a lifetime is invested in this ideology, how much more difficult will it be to come to the realization that the person they’re with isn’t their ONE? To what extents will a person go to in order to protect a lifetime of this ego investment?

At some point in a ONEitis relationship one participant will establish dominance based on the powerlessness that this ONEitis necessitates. There is no greater agency for a woman than to know beyond doubt that she is the only source of a man’s need for sex and intimacy. ONEitis only cements this into the understanding of both parties. For a man who believes that the emotionally and psychologically damaging relationship he has ego-invested himself  is with the only person in his lifetime he’s ever going to be compatible with, there is nothing more paralyzing in his maturation. The same of course holds true for women, and this is why we shake our heads when the beautiful HB 9 goes chasing back to her abusive and indifferent Jerk boyfriend, because she believes he is her ONE and the only source of security available to her. Hypergamy may be her root imperative for sticking with him, but it’s the soul-mate myth, the fear of the “ONE that got away” that makes for the emotional investment.

The definition of Power is not financial success, status or influence over others, but the degree to which we have control over our own lives. Subscribing to the soulmate mythology necessitates that we recognize powerlessness in this arena of our lives. Better I think it would be to foster a healthy understanding that there is no ONE. There are some good Ones and there are some bad Ones, but there is no ONE.

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Y
Guest

I always thought this idea of the One was something women preoccupied themselves with.

In any case, it definitely comes from a scarcity mindset.

Marellus
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Marellus

The definition of Power is not financial success, status or influence over others, but the degree to which we have control over our own lives.

Deep Dish
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Deep Dish

In psychology, there is the concept of the locus of control. People with an external locus of control feel their life is governed by external forces, whereas people with an internal locus of control feel in charge of and lead the path of their life. People with an internal locus of control are less influenced by authority. There is the paradox of how an entrepreneurial businessman, who has an otherwise internal locus of control of his life, can still fall for the external locus of control in matters of love, but of course the key difference, I would think, is… Read more »

Good Luck Chuck
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Good Luck Chuck

The soulmate myth is yet another mystical concept that can be exploited by savvy men to extract cheap sex from gullible women.

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[…] I had read some of Rollo’s comments over at Roissy’s blog and I knew about his forum, but I wasn’t aware of Rollo’s blog until a Badger Hut commenter tipped me off. I particularly liked Rollo’s post on Oneitis. […]

detinennui32
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detinennui32

Brilliant.

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[…] validation for his mindset. “See, you just have to be a patient nice guy and the right ONE really does come along.” This is when the self-righteous phase begins and he can begin […]

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[…] with the billboard chart topping hit/video released by Hudson Perry aptly entitled “The ONE that got away” (*apologies for subjecting my readership to this audio mayonaise), wherein we […]

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[…] the peace” in the face of a bad situation with their wives than risk that loss (of the ONE or otherwise), and be cast back into uncertain conditions where they may actually grow, but again […]

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[…] so don’t bother. Go back to Just Being Yourself and eventually you’ll meet the right ONE.” This is the mantra we’ve come to expect from White Knights, but it’s […]

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[…] the Game well enough to fit their personal capacity to get with their ‘believable’ ONEitis girl who they just know is their perfect soul-mate. They’ll play the Game realistically and […]

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[…] There is No ONE […]

Michael Soutar
Guest

This should be taught to all teenagers in all schools in all countries. Girls especially are bombarded with romantic stories from books to TV to film where the ONE idea is implanted and fertilized. Totally unrelated item: I’m reading this post exactly a year after it was published.

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[…] One-itis – http://rationalmale.wordpress.com/2011/08/30/there-is-no-one/ […]

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[…] is why I argue that ONEitis is a mental disorder, and in extreme cases, has the potential to be terminal. As I stated, if a man internalizes for […]

necorochi
Guest

Technically if it was not morally bad to fuck/date multiple women at once then we really wouldn’t care as much about the “One” but since the Matrix and the feminine imperative are ruthlessly trying to strip us of our masculinity then we almost have no choice besides people like us.

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[…] is why I argue that ONEitis is a mental disorder, and in extreme cases, has the potential to be terminal. As I stated, if a man internalizes for […]

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[…] There is no ONE. […]

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[…] do that to a guy. There’s a saying I tell young(er) guys when they think they’ve found the one at an early age. If life is a race, you haven’t even arrived at the track yet, much less hit […]

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[…] can do. The irony is that a committed, monogamous man runs the risk of losing his treasured “One” by becoming needy. As stated in the book, “replacing neediness with abundance is the […]

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[…] course his journey starts from the myth about THE ONE. The Soul Mate myth, which has been socially conditioned into men and women through their formative […]

konoron
Guest

Quote: “I think there’s been a mischaracterization of ONEitis. It’s necessary to differentiate between a healthy relationship based on mutual respect and a lopsided ONEitis based relationship.”

No mischaracterization whatsoever. Oneitis is a lopsided relationship, opposed to a healthy relationship, identified as LTR (Long Term Relationship).

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[…] She doesn't think she cheated! Courtesy of Rollo Tomassi of The Rational Male There is no One. | ONEitis is paralysis. You cease to mature, you cease to move, you cease to be you. There is no […]

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[…] soulmate mythology necessitates that we recognize powerlessness in this arena of our lives. – Rollo, RationalMale – There is no […]

Pere
Guest
Pere

Anyone thought about Alain Badiou? The one is not – but there is an ‘of the one’. Which I think sums up oneitis – for better and for worse.

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[…] and worst experiences that life has to offer. It is absolutely vital that you understand it. There is no soul-mate. Believing in a kind of romantic fatalism is not nearly as poetic or glorious as it sounds. What […]

Bobb Dobbs
Guest
Bobb Dobbs

“Love” or “psychological attachment” is not a social construct, it is an evolutionarily selected trait. Like any inborn impulse, we tend to rationalize our behaviors — such as with our favorite topic, female hypergamy. ONEitis is the expression of this bonding trait. It is no more explained as a social construct than thunder and lightning is explained as the wrath of angry gods. It’s true there is no “special one”, but that is largely irrelevant to the fact that these impulses kick in at an animalistic level, below and beyond the reaches of the upper layers of our intellects. If… Read more »

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[…] A bitter pill to swallow isnt it? Knowing deep down there there is no one magical girl out there for you at the end of the tunnel. Yeah, it hurts to let go of this ideal because its something thats been beaten into you for the extent of your time on this earth.  […]

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[…] skills. Act two is more interesting and, you could argue, is all about the manosphere concept of Oneitis. The subject of Jon’s oneitis is Scarlett Johanson’s character, Barbara. She is awful, […]

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[…] this possessiveness might seem bad enough, but when it’s combined with ONEitis (the soul-mate myth), a Scarcity Mentality, a subscribing to the myth of Relational Equity or […]

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[…] for the record, I’d argue that ONEitis, however extreme, is in fact a mental […]

Ronnie Langley
Guest

So glad i found this blog.

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[…] There is no One, depedestalizing women […]

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Is there someone for everyone? I feel that I will never find that one special girl. That I am doomed to be alone.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let’s recalibrate our scales here fellas. Please believe me when I say from experience that there is no such thing as “The One” (for women or men). Some rational males refer to this dangerous disease as “One-itis” and its deleter…

anonhustler
Guest

Reblogged this on .

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[…] aspect men innately apply to a high SMV mating prospect. Mark also correctly identifies how ONEitis influences and reinforces this dynamic, as well as its utility to transactional […]

rlsmith
Guest
rlsmith

this seems appropriate:

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[…] going on outside. Aloof is just the tip of the iceberg to describe to this mentally of one. There is no one. When you look at the world in a pragmatic sense its hard not to see how this is not true. Just […]

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[…] I see why this reaction is as it is even more when you add in the element of God into the mix. Like this post right here explains as well, people have love more connected to some other worldly thing that is pass human […]

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[…] is that a nebulous ‘being of oneself’ should be enough for anyone (or ‘the right ONE‘) to be attracted to, and discourages any real self-analysis or improvement. ONEitis and Just […]

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[…] 2.0. The next thing I recommend after reading this article is to read Rollo Tomassi’s piece There Is No One. Luckily, as she started talking about her special ex, the one she truly loved, I started to see […]

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[…] is also one reason men become so prone to ONEitis both inside and outside this contrived, transactional, sort of attraction. Men are the True […]

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[…] Source: There is no ONE. […]

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[…] suckup, :insert invective here:?” While I’m not sold on the idea that women ever get ONEitis for a guy, I am thoroughly convinced that women being 1-2 SMV points below a particular man […]

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[…] an undeserving woman, for that’s what socially expected of him. Worse, he succumbs to his oneitis: a mental hoax again partly influenced by his societal […]

kobayashii1681
Guest

1000 fish in the sea…literally

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[…] elements that have been critical to my personal development over the past several years, namely: ONEitis (a subsection of The Basics) and Plate […]

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[…] parcial y reinterpretación del artículo: There is no One escrito por Rollo Tomassi para The Rational […]

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[…] his oneitis, Hank embodies many elements of alpha, such as his outcome independence and cocky funny attitude. […]

James
Guest
James

How much money does she have?

Two can play this game.

James
Guest
James

How much money does she have?

Two can play this game.

Since we threw the whole concept of trust, love, and understanding between the sexes out with the bathwater a couple of generations ago.

Shade
Guest
Shade

Good article. I like your perspective. This ONEitis can probably also be referred to as codependency in clinical psychology. Codependency as a term is fairly broad and can relate to many different subjects of dependency… but it is the idea that a person becomes unhealthily tied/preoccupied (dependent) to another person, substance, etc. The person is their life and reality, the focus of all their energy and time; the person is entirely controlled or tries to entirely control their subject of dependence. Anyone interested should check it out. I like that you acknowledge specifically the soul mate myth and how that… Read more »

Gabriel Prince (@GabrielPrince19)
Guest

I enjoyed reading this because it exposes the dark side of monogamy. Well done. There are plenty of non-monogamous relationships and marriages out there that nobody’s talking about. There is an alternative to monogamy.

yannick
Guest
yannick

This is the best website i have been too every since i started reading theses alpha male books, i am 43y old i was in a relationship for 9 years with a women that was semi mental. And for the past 2 years i was actually trying to find someone else. Most women i spoke to have 2 kids full time, they have no hobbies and there life sucks. I was feeling lonely and all until i arrived on this website. And you know what, reading it made me realize that i never had kids, but i don’t have to… Read more »

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[…] seen how the Madonna and the whore can be the same woman – and like love, there is no ideal woman. There are no certainties in life except change and the grim reaper, and women are not immune to […]

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[…] I might win the girl over eventually. But over time (and it wouldn’t take long), her unquenchable infatuation for me would fade, as her attentions and guilt returned to her boyfriend. This always left me feeling abandoned and invisible; desire that could be quenched was not nearly enough for me. As soon as I could, then, I would start seducing another girl, by turning myself into an entirely different guy, in order to attract an entirely different woman. These episodes of shape-shifting cost me though. I would lose weight, sleep, dignity, clarity. As anyone who has ever watched a werewolf movie… Read more »

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[…] I don't either, I guess that's why I need to go talk to someone. it's called "one-itis." It's paralyzing. Grieve your relationship ending – it's imperative and healthy. Stop jonesing for your exwife. […]

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[…] emotional connection = I stayed up all night with oneitis for the girl who rejected […]

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[…] Tomassi There is no One, The Rational […]

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[…] there will always be women who WANT to replace them- Men need this drummed into their heads – There are some good Ones and some bad Ones, but there is no ONE. Case in point, the cunt reflects; “My friends have judged me and one has threatened to tell […]

Maverick Wolf
Guest
Maverick Wolf

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[…] Beta conditioning of believing that ‘going steady’ monogamy and only banging the ONE girl was the right thing to […]

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[…] It seems like this is the predicament red pill awareness puts us in when we have to consider the value of our formerly beta self. What makes the beta the beta is his weakness, of course, but it is simultaneously his civility. We’re not defective people for wanting or even needing the possibility love, empathy, truth, friendship, kindness, and – above all else – trust in our lives. It just makes us human. If we project our deeply rooted desires for these things and treat others the way we want to be treated, wouldn’t society be better off for… Read more »

Kt
Guest
Kt

Actually there is the ONE but to find them you have to meet other ONES first

Marco
Guest
Marco

We can also blame Disney for this. Think about it. Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Aladin, Princess and the Frog, The Little Mermaid, A Bugs Life, Pocahontas, The Nightmare Before Christmas, etc…

kfg
Guest
kfg

“We can also blame Disney for this.”

You can, but Disney took his stories from the public domain.

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[…] Let’s start here with dispelling that old “There is only one person for me…” crap from a great article over at TheRationalMale. […]

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[…] is to stall marriage until he finds a “virtuous” woman (if he ever manages to find one) whose flaws he could tolerate after her beauty fades […]

Neco
Guest
Neco

I am speaking from a female perspective here but this is bizarre. You are complaining about a litteral sense of the phrase “he/she is the one” is this correct? Maybe I am too simple but isn’t saying someone is or isn’t the “one” a saying not a myth? Like this dress is not the one, this guy is not the one, this house is not the one…I did not think anyone really took the fairytale idealistic view of prince charming and snow white as reality, yes diluted and crazy is this idea of true love. Saying there is no right… Read more »

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[…] had just written what would later become my essay, There is no One and a good majority of my classmates and all of my teachers but one were less than accepting of […]

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[…] the true Original Sin right there: oneitis.  Had Adam read my blog world history would have turned out very differently.  He’d be […]

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[…] a guy, the most basic and fundamental myth you’ve been fed is that of a SOULMATE. That there is ONE girl out there who, if you just found her, would magically bond with you in a […]

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[…] stop. Whenever a man even casually mentions a woman as ‘the ONE‘ you know he’s still clinging to his Blue Pill, feminine-primary conditioning. This is […]

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[…] stop. Whenever a man even casually mentions a woman as ‘the ONE‘ you know he’s still clinging to his Blue Pill, feminine-primary conditioning. This is […]

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[…] If you’re “one” past in a tragic accident you’d find a new one in a few years. There is no one person made for you. There is simply too many […]

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[…] cling to an idealistic concept of love, their own kind of Deep Conversion can come in the form of ONEitis and develop into some very unhealthy dependencies. One of the reasons ONEitis is so common among […]

rugby11
Guest
rugby11
eghost247
Guest

Reblogged this on eghost247.

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[…] in the comfort of your own home (or your parents) you can find, “The One” on a TV, in all it’s 70inch HD-4K-3D […]

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[…] came up multiple times. It’s really fascinating just how ingrained the idea of “The One” is in our culture, and how people approach relationships from the view point without […]

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[…] is no ONE. There is no soulmate out there that is pre-determined and destined to be the perfect one for you. […]

Nick
Guest
Nick

@Neco
You are saying a logical fallacy. He author didn’t say “there is no person right for you”. For example: on a linear scale where left side is bad and right side is good, with average somewhere in between,
Bad……………..avg………………..perfect
Author says that there is no one on the extreme right(I.e, perfect,the ONE), but there can be many between avg and perfect, “there can be many good ONEs”. But what you are saying is on the left end of the spectrum. You are not considering the above average part,I.e,for you, there is only
Bad……………..

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[…] another one. This advice actually makes, an albeit simplistic, sense in that the best way to avoid ONEitis is to Spin Plates. Usually, that’s what a bad Blue Pill rejection amounts to; a losing of […]

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[…] There is no One. […]

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[…] There is no “One special person” for you. There are no “soul mates.” If you can grasp this simple truth… life will be much easier. […]

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[…] Artigo original: https://therationalmale.com/2011/08/30/there-is-no-one/ […]

asgdsfgf
Guest
asgdsfgf

What if you know they’re not your ONE but they’re a good one and you want a good one

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[…] öncülerinden Rollo Tomassi’nin efsane sitesi The Rational Male‘in en önemli yazısı There is No ONE‘dan esinlenerek kounuyu bir kez daha vurguluyoruz. İngilizce biliyorsanız, gidip yazıyı […]

groupnuke
Guest

There is nothing I personally disagree with in this article. It reads like a clearly thought out explanation of what I already believe. I think it’s accurate, there is no special “ONE” out there waiting for you to show up. There’s “one of the many” out there that you can find. But even that will be a struggle. Everything is a struggle and we’re all finding silver linings. I’m with a girl monogamously for the first time in my life right now (21yrs old). It is NOT oneitis. I just think she’s good, and I want to prove to myself… Read more »

PJ Pires
Guest

Disney is genius.
Took public domain stories and make millions with it.

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[…] may have been mentioned before.  Oneitis, aka fuckmylife-itis.  Beta males in rehab sometimes regress on their journey to […]

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[…] Rollo Tomassi, There is no One on The Rational Male (August 2011).] promoting the power of romance to purify icky carnal […]

joesantus
Guest

“ONEitis” is difficult for some men to shake because it appeals to a man’s need to be desired as both a sexual partner and a provider/protector by a woman. ONEitis includes the implication that there definitely exists, somewhere, “a woman near-perfectly compatible with me who desires exactly me, as I am, both as a breeder and as a supporter”. If a man acknowledges ONEitis is illusional, he must also accept it may be that no woman wants him at all. So, i agree — there’s a mystical aspect which appeals to human hope which makes it difficult for some guys… Read more »

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[…] Rollo Tomassi of the Rational Male describes it best, so I’m quoting him here: […]

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[…] There Is No ‘One’ di blog The Rational […]

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[…] finally complete your puzzle of happiness, just because you’re nice. I’m talking about The Oneitis belief that romanticism has been cementing in our minds for the past few […]

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[…] ,what in the Manosphere is called ‘One-itis‘, can be an easy trap for men to fall into. Whether it’s One-itis, a fixation, or an […]