Coquetry

I generally avoid troubling myself with the blatantly girl-world propaganda advice articles over at AskMen.com, but I had a friend refer this article to me. It’s the same predictable boilerplate reasoning I’ve come to expect from the Hooking Up Beta crowd when discussing the merits of Waiting for It. Side note: please do read the short bio of Giulia Simolo for an enlightening brief on what makes for a good ‘relationship correspondent’.

All this article does is reinforce the feminine as the primary sexual interest. As is the default pre-position of every solipsistic woman giving advice, every point she makes presumes the woman is the PRIZE. So lets break this down from a less orthodox presumption:

Waiting Creates Anticipation
Anticipation is already present from the moment you and she feel arousal for each other. Attraction isn’t a choice, and anticipation isn’t something “created” by intent. Trust me, no girl making you wait is thinking, “Oh I just want him to savor this delightful anticipation.”

Waiting Creates Challenge
Yeah, for you. I love how the feminine rationale is that it’s the Man who’s given the opportunity of creating the challenge, when in fact it’s classically been a woman’s realm for millennia to play the coquette. Who are we bullshitting here?

Waiting Shows You Don’t Think She’s A Slut
The only gender concerned with being perceived as a slut is women. Once again, feminine primacy. Every man loves a slut, he just wants her to be HIS slut. The importance is less about his perception of her being a slut and more about her self-concern about her moving past the thinking she’s one. When it comes to sex, single women filibuster with concerns about slut status, when in an LTR they filibuster with concerns about “feeling sexy” – in both instances sex is always about her, not you.

Waiting Keeps YOU Interested.
And again, feminine primacy. For centuries, nothing has served women better than an implied promise of future sexual release with her. The longer you stay in a state of suspended sexual interest, the less time and opportunity you’ll have to weigh other, better, options than what she may represent. However, you can only shake the shiny keys for so long before someone else shakes their own and draws attention away.

Waiting Shows You’re A Gentleman
Qualification for her pussy. Women don’t want to fuck gentlemen, they want to fuck Men who are sexual and have a mutual, covertly recognized desire to bang her.

Waiting Gives You Time To Evaluate Her
The only thing most men are evaluating about a woman they haven’t slept with is HOW to sleep with her. This may sound like logic, but it’s really an unassailable idealism meant to compliment a man’s ego. It’s complimentary; of course you’re a well rounded man of the world who’d be interested in qualifying her for your intimacy, you’re mature and experienced enough to know what’s best for you, right? Women ALWAYS play by the rules when they’re relaxed and show you their true colors while you’re waiting to fuck them. They’re incapable of hiding their character flaws in the time it takes for you to wait her out sexually, right?

Good Things Come To Those Who Wait
And of course what girl-world article would be complete without a trite aphorism at the end? At least we get down to brass tacks. She is the PRIZE. The carrot really is worth the effort of towing the feminine primacy cart. Play her filibuster games and there’s a nice piece of chocolate cake at the end of it for you. It’s the same piece of cake the outlaw biker got about 8 months ago due to her hormonally fueled urgency to fuck him immediately, but she’s turning over a new leaf with you. She’s trying to do things different now with you, because you’re really the ‘special’ one.

Coquetry

I was skimming through the Art of Seduction last night and I came across a passage there that reminded me of this article. The section was about coquetry. For those of you unfamiliar with the term, playing the coquette is by and large the natural (some would argue ‘unlearned’) default method of seduction for women; going from hot to cold, interest to feigned disinterest, the promise of fantastic sex and then a complete disconnected indifference. That is coquetry, and it hardly needs to be taught to women since for thousands of years it’s proven to be so effective in covertly drawing out what they want in men. As I’ve said in many prior posts, a woman’s best agency is always her sexuality. It’s their first best key to power over men (which explains why it’s so distressing for women as it decays with age).

What this article is attempting to do is convince men that they can play an effective coquette too – essentially adopt a female seduction method. While there is some merit in adopting female seduction methodologies (i.e. “flip-the-script” Game), when promoted by women giving men advice, the premise is disingenuous on so many levels it’s hard to know where to begin with it. However, after re-reading it I can see the mechanics behind it. The idea is to draw men into thinking that they are the ones doing the resisting, when in fact they are only better playing into a woman’s coquetry and ultimately better facilitating the methods of her innate hypergamy.

The principle is this: the one who is doing the resisting is the one who is controlling the dynamic. It comes back to The Cardinal Rule of Relationships

In any relationship, the person with the most power is the one who needs the other the least.

The trick to feminine coquetry is incrementally rewarding her target(s) with marginal intimacy while simultaneously resisting him enough to keep him in the limbo necessary for her to assess the best options for breeding and provisioning from a pool of potential suitors.

Now, why would a woman want to do this? The polite answers, the pretty lies, are found in the bullet points in this article. Each of which is intended to convince men to play along with her coquetry (feminine seduction) and better facilitate the real function of her coquetry – sexual selection from amongst her best options (i.e. hypergamy). If a man can be convinced that it’s in fact he who is doing the resisting, for all the noble and acceptable reasonings, it only makes her coquetry easier.

Coquetry is a woman’s socially approved methodological equal of Plate Theory for men. And just like Plate Spinning, it requires a woman to keep a covert stable of potential suitors in rotation. They can’t implicitly know about each other. If they did, she runs the risk of them losing interest in frustration. So, how much the better if a Man is an active participant in her own coquetry? How much the better when he believes it’s his own idea to be his own coquette?

In Iron Rule #3 the reason I said waited-for sex is never worth the wait is because it reduces sexual tension and urgency. It’s essentially negotiated desire – “OK well play by your rules and fuck when you’re finally convinced that I’m worthy of your vagina.” By playing your own coquette, you may think you’re drawing her into YOUR web and she’ll be a foaming hot mess for you by the time YOU “allow” her to ride your cock, but you’re only fooling yourself. Assuming you even get to actual sex with her, it’s still her who’s doing the resisting, and now your sex is based on the implied negotiation you agreed to by waiting her out. And what were you waiting for? Her to come to the conclusion that she couldn’t do better than fuck you in the immediate future.

Every chump in human history has, in different versions, thought he was doing the right thing by playing the friend, waiting patiently, building comfort and trust, being a gentleman, being emotionally supportive and sensitive to a woman’s desires in the interim times when she’s not riding the Alpha Bad Boy’s cock. Women who are interested in you wont confuse you. If you are her “A” guy she wont make you wait (very long) to get after it with you. If she’s delaying and filibustering, rest assured you are her “B” or “C” guy, and she needs negotiated convincing to bump you up to being her starter.

Published by Rollo Tomassi

Author of The Rational Male and The Rational Male, Preventive Medicine

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Coy
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Coy
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How to flip the script against this tactic? Any tips?

Love's Orphan
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After reading some red pill stuff, I started to assume that every woman I met used this by default. I’ve known female coworkers that get rides to work and home by several different guys. And they always start saying: “Oh no, he justs helps me, he is not like that.” But a few months later, they say the guy only wanted sex. I have to cover my mouth with both hands to prevent myself from saying: “What else could you give them? What did you think they were looking for?” And a new “cab driver” comes; rinse and repeat.

unbowed
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unbowed
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Don’t normally like to crowd the comments with pointless compliments ‘hey great article!’, but Hey, great article.
I think it ties in w/ women trying to create (subconsciously?) oneitis in men.
It’s something that needs to be hammered home, & you did it: Don’t wait on her terms. Always be looking for options.

Country LAwyer
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Coy,

Its called buying temperature. Or building attraction. If she is attracted enough to you she’ll want you and all she will need is a reason to be “swept away in the moment”

Like many things, the best time for this behavior for a man is when the power has shifted. When he’s had sex with her.

The hot/cold, intimate then withdrawal will draw a woman in deeper at that point.

itsme
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itsme
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yep. chris rock sums it up well:

The Shocker
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The Shocker
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~~:+:+:+~~ How to beat coquetry ~~:+:+~~ First, use the stagger system for your dates. Most men will tell you to pop off a round into a folded roll of toilet paper before your first date so you don’t come across as over eager. This is wrong. Increased energy, sexual hunger and attitude due to a juicy cock will help you send the right vibe to your date via subcommunications and the phenomena of mental state transference. Where it hurts you is when you start to exhibit neediness, pushiness and manipulation in order to close the deal. Using the stagger system,… Read more »

A
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A
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So then what is the “Rational Male” answer about the effects having sex too soon has on LTR’s and Marriages?

Leap of a Beta
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Articles like this are hilarious. The authors in one article will tell you how women can be emotional (IE irrational) and want excitement (IE are impulsive). Then they tell you in this article not to seize upon the moments when those two things line up in a desire to have sex with you. Love the hamsters.

Also, I was struck by how a South African based writer is writing for, as far as I know, the American audience of AskMen.com. What. The. Fuck? In what world does that make sense?

Retrenched
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Retrenched
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It’s funny how once you take the red pill, you start to see this fem-centric shit everywhere.

feral1404
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feral1404
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Not bragging, just a related anecdote: I actually flipped the script by accident, and it worked. Long and short; I got set up on a blind date and met the girl at a bar in VA. Cute, feminine, 7.5. Worked game and kino, escalated, got her interested, plied her with alch, etc. We left and walked to her place, got the kiss, got the invite in. But here’s the thing: I actually had a sure thing waiting (fuck buddy ready to go), so I disengaged, said “Not right now. Gotta go. Call you later,” and walked off. I guess I… Read more »

Simon Corso
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Simon Corso
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Spin more plates .

She wont hold out if she thinks ( or knows ) you can get it from another girl.

YOHAMI
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YOHAMI
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The article is written from the female point of view. Girls do enjoy the anticipation, the challenge, and the waiting, of not fucking a guy they desperately want to fuck. Hint: that only happens when she’s after an Alpha who’s too busy banging other girls. So when it finally happens with her, when they are finally in sync, it’s a truly mindblowing experience, so much more than with the hundred of guys next door she could fuck in 15 min. When she has to wait for the guy that speaks about the value (cue: high demand) of this guy. When… Read more »

Jordan
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Jordan
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The last issue of Men’s Health that I read had a dating and sex section… the adviser was a chick answering the most beta-esque questions I’ve seen in a while.

gregg
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gregg
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I would not use the expression “chump” for a man that simply does not know what to do and has never been taught the other way. He may not be experienced enough or have a low level testosterone, or million other things. He may be honest, hell he may be brave man in every other aspect of his life. He may be a cop doing narcotics or a surgeon facing death every fucking day in his work or a sharp businessman. He just does not know anything about women or his ego does not let him to pursue knucklehead or… Read more »

Rollo Tomassi
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gregg
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Thank you man. You are a poet. I somehow understand. I won´t say that I have fucked too many women and at the same time rejected too many married ones to not be able to EVER believe any women to be loyal. I were able to handle this. I have seen the beast in all types of women open its mouth and eat men alive. Honest men, good men, strong men, dealers, alphas, betas,bad boys! I am an attorney at law and there was the time in my life, when I used to handle divorces. After 10 years I simply… Read more »

Survivorman
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Survivorman
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It may be an oversimplification – but the “3-date rule” has held true in 100% of my relationships. If no num-nums by the 3rd date, you will never get any. Move on.. no further communication. NEXT!

M3
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M3
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How many women would make David Beckham or Hugh Jackman wait?

Marellus
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Marellus
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…. great article … thanks Rollo …

trackback

[…] The waiting game – http://rationalmale.wordpress.com/2012/05/11/coquetry/ […]

Alexander
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Alexander
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Hi Rollo,

I am new here, Do you think attraction has an expiry date?

Tom
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Tom
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I’m glad Rollo explains the difference between giving them attention and waiting for them to bestow sex on you vs just walking away from them. Giving them attention and hanging around without them putting their ass up in the air for you is a huge mistake. Walking away from their shit-test or false offer of “friendship” isn’t ‘male coquetry, it’s being smart. On to the next.

Andrew
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Andrew
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This is hilarious. From quoting roissy, to attacking men from South Africa, to the stupid crap about what you think you know about women because you took some “red pill”, whatever that means….. It seems the manosphere minions keep telling each other the same things over and over and hope it is true. Let’s get something straight. The whole alpha crap you idiots bang on about is stupid. Humans are not pack animals. Next, is the Christ Rock video. I have turned lots of women down for sex. Some really hot women who most of you could not “game” for… Read more »

YOHAMI
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YOHAMI
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“Humans are not pack animals.”

Yeah right.

Andrew
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Andrew
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Humans are primates. Not canines.

Here is an excellent link proving the whole “Alpha male” bullshit you are spreading is a lie
http://www.leecharleskelley.com/top10myths/mythofthepackleader.html

Andrew
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Andrew
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This is a good example of the logical fallacy you are using. I am a big on pointing out basic assumptions in the manosphere that are false. http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mind_projection_fallacy I just went and read the manboobz site and it is just another feminist load of crap. It hurt my eyes to read the comments and trolling going on You people really are in some tug of war. Yet the battle is lost because you guys got no scroats…. Not different than the pack of wannabe alphas who attack in packs on your comments Rolo, when someone doesn’t agree with manosphere dogma.… Read more »

Grim
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Grim
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Good lord is Andrew misinformed.

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[…] men discover that women in this demographic, by necessity, lean more on overt communication. The coquetry, indirectness and blasé indifference that she used to hold and enjoy male attentions during her […]

Bluepillprofessor
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Had to laugh at Andrews ridiculous ‘we are not pack animals.’ Let me guess, we are not even animals. We may have darker instincts but we can use our higher brain to control them. Right? Right. I regularly study The Art of Seduction and I always wondered how coquetry worked for men but then I am the insatiable Rake with two temperatures- hot and hotter- so I don’t have a frame of reference for behaving indifferent or cold. A guy can ACT hot and cold but girls really ARE that way which is why it is so effective. Loading...

King
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King
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Must admit this was a great point. I prefer to keep Machiiavelli’s observation about fortune being like a woman who literally or figuratively must be “ill used” to be won. Tis a true statement sad to say. All nice guys get is blue balls and a lot of lotion and Kleenex. I developed a term after divorce that has served me well “Believe most of what a woman does and nothing that she says”. Even she can’t explain herself. That’s why women can sit 3-4 at a table for four hours talking about problems and solve nothing in personal relationships.… Read more »

King
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King
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Must admit this was a great point. I prefer to keep Machiiavelli’s observation about fortune being like a woman who literally or figuratively must be “ill used” to be won. Tis a true statement sad to say. All nice guys get is blue balls and a lot of lotion and Kleenex. I developed a term after divorce that has served me well “Believe most of what a woman does and nothing that she says”. Even she can’t explain herself. That’s why women can sit 3-4 at a table for four hours talking about problems and solve nothing in personal relationships.… Read more »

stuffinbox
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stuffinbox
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And i realize why i bet hot women from rich families with class.

Just like Bruce Jenner used to.

deborah grimes
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deborah grimes
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Dreadful article, Depressing, limited, shallow . Sexuality decays with age?? That sort of says it all about the reader’s view of women.

YOHAMI
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YOHAMI
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Deborah, maybe your sexuality increased with age. Too bad nobody will have you now.

Forge the Sky
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Forge the Sky
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Wow, haven’t seen Yohami here for years and then he shows up to hit a random snipe on a 4-year-old post.

How ya doing man.

YOHAMI
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YOHAMI
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All good man, going to come back in a blog soon, you?

Forge the Sky
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Forge the Sky
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Hah, awesome! You had some great stuff on the old blog.

I started commenting just as you were on the way out so you might’ve not run into me much, but I always appreciated your comments in the archives. Since then I’ve gone from ‘beta chode desperately trying to hold together a relationship with a neurotic hb6’ to being free as a bird and occasionally banging a hottie or two who fails to tell me she has a bf so I don’t stop.

So it’s been a trip.

YOHAMI
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YOHAMI
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More power to you, how long did that take?

Forge the Sky
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Forge the Sky
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I’d say it took me about two years to completely digest the red pill and crawl out of my shitty circumstance. Followed by another year to hone game/pua skills a bit to where I could navigate a situation from getting initial attraction with a girl (easy for me) to actually sleeping with her (had lots of hangups about that). The juice is worth the squeeze, though. I’m using progress with girls as a measuring stick here but this stuff involves everything. In the end this mindset allows you to be – as much as possible – the master of your… Read more »

Olie Sins
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Olie Sins
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I laughed when I read this: “No girl who is making you wait is thinking ‘oh I just want him to savor this delightful anticipation.'”

It’s funny because it’s exactly how I used to think about it whenever my ex made me wait for sex. I’ve just never seen my train of thought written out like that, it’s pretty funny to see.

Thanks for the post.

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