The Cardinal Rule of Relationships

In any relationship, the person with the most power is the one who needs the other the least.

This is a foundation of any relationship, not just intersexual ones, but family, business, etc. relationships as well. It is a dynamic that is always in effect. For my own well being and that of my family’s, I need my employer more than he needs me, ergo I get up for work in the morning and work for him. And while I am also a vital part for the uninterrupted continuance of his company and endeavours, he simply needs me less than I need him. Now I could win the lottery tomorrow or he may decide to cut my pay or limit my benefits, or I may complete my Masters Degree and decide that I can do better than to keep myself yoked to his cart indefinitely, thereby, through some condition either initiated by myself or not, I am put into a position of needing him less than he needs me. At this point he is forced into a position of deciding how much I am worth to his ambitions and either part ways with me or negotiate a furtherance of our relationship.

The same plays true for intersexual relationships. Whether you want to base your relationship on ‘power’ or not isn’t the issue; it’s already in play from your first point of attraction. You are acceptable to her for meeting any number of criteria and she meets your own as well. If this weren’t the case you simply would not initiate a mutual relationship. This is the first comparisson we make with another individual – call it ‘sizing up’ if you like – but we make innate (and often unconscious) comparissons about everything and in the case of initial attraction we decide if the the other person is acceptable for our own intimacy. From this point it becomes a cooperative negotiation.

This principle isn’t so much about ‘power’ as it is about control. This might sound like semantics, but it makes a difference. It’s very easy to slip into binary arguments and think that what I mean by the cardinal rule of relationships is that one participant must absolutely rule over the other – a domineering dominate to a doormat submissive. Control in a healthy relationship passes back and forth as desire and need dictate for each partner. In an unhealthy realationship you have an unbalanced manipulation of this control by a partner. Although control is never in complete balance, it becomes manipulation when one partner, in essence blackmails, the other with what would otherwise be a reinforcer for the manipulated under a healthy circumstance. This happens for a plethora differenet reasons, but the condition comes about by two ways – the submissive participant becomes conditioned to allow the manipulation to occur and/or the dominate initiates the manipulation. In either case the rule still holds true – the one who needs the other the least has the most control. Nowhere is this more evident than in interpersonal relationships.

Too many people who I counsel and read my posts (here and elsewhere) assume that this Rule means that I’m advocating the maintaining a position of dominance at the expense of their partners; far from it. I do however advocate that people – young men in particular – develop a better sense of self-worth and a better understanding of their true efficacy in their relationships (assuming you decide to become involved in one). Don’t get me wrong, both sexes are guilty of manipulation; Battered women go back to their abusive boyfriends/husbands and pussy whipped men compromise themselves and their ambitions to better serve their girlfriends insecurities. My intent in promoting this Rule is to open the eyes of young men who are already predisposed to devaluing themselves and placing women as the goal of their lives rather than seeing themselves as the PRIZE to be sought after. Compromise is always going to be a part of any relationship, but what’s key is realizing when that compromise becomes the result of manipulation, what is in effect and developing the confidence to be uncompromising in those situations. This is where a firm understanding of the cardinal rule of relationships becomes essential.

There’s nothing wrong with backing down from an argument you have with your girlfriend, but there is something wrong when you continually compromise yourself in order to ‘keep the peace’ with the understanding that she’ll withhold intimacy as a result of you holding your ground. That is a power play, also known as a ‘sh!t test’. She initiates it thus becoming the controlling party. No woman’s intimacy (i.e. sex) is ever worth that compromise because in doing so you devalue your own worth to her. Once this precident is set, she will progressively have less respect for you – exactly opposite of the popular conception that she’ll appreciate your compromising for her and reward you for this. And really what are you compromising in order to achieve? Set in this condition, her intimacy. That isn’t genuine desire or real interest in you, it’s a subtle psychological test (that all too many men are unaware of) meant to determine who needs the other more. There is no more a superior confidence for a man than one with the self-understanding that he will not compromise himself for the recognized manipulations of a woman, and the fortitude to walk away knowing he can and will find a better prospect than her. This is the man who passes the sh!t test. It’s called ‘enlightened self-interest’, and a principle I wholely endorse.

30 responses to “The Cardinal Rule of Relationships

  • Theophilus

    For any man in an LTR, knowing this and acting in a way that puts the control mainly in his own hands makes for a stable and happy relationship for both him and the woman.

  • Danger

    Never sacrifice self-respect for anything. The cost is always too high.

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  • Nutz

    Adam Lyons teaches that it’s all about investment. The person least invested has the power and is in the driver’s seat, which is basically the same thing. The key is to give the appearance of being less invested than the other person, and in doing so it creates a chase frame with you as the “prize”.

    When I teach guys I give them the training wheels version of this which is that they should strive for an 80/20 split. When they get a handle on things, they can invest more and more and ideally get it close to a comfortable ratio, maybe a 60/40 split. If the woman is really hot with tons of options, then Roissy’s idea of a 66/33 split is more appropriate in all likelihood. An example of this is in contact–If she’s sending you a paragraph text, send her back just one sentence. If she sends you a sentence, send her a 1 word text back. Similarly for ever 2-3 times she contacts you, you return her message. A 1:1 ratio simply does not work, and that includes incidental communications such as emailing her funny pictures, posting stuff on her Facebook wall, etc. This is why aloof game is so powerful (as is spinning plates)–it keeps you from over-investing and handing the woman all of the power in the relationship.

  • TheMale

    to sum it up:
    if i’m the least invested on the relationship, i’m detain the power of the relationship.
    but what about interaction ?
    i mean when you start talking to a chick, she will throw you sometimes a shit test, but there’s nothing you are invested on,yet.
    so how this rule of not sacrificing yourself worth get into the picture ?

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  • Alex

    Either side, whatever you say, whatever girls say, you get power thrown in. Why the fuck are you pretending there’s some inherent good or happiness in this? Want the truth? … deal with it you animal fucko. Masculinity is one part of the disease, don’t tell me to act half in on this crime of a life because I have a penis. And don’t expect respect from anyone, if you do respect yourself, it’s because you’ve successfully gone insane.

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  • sam

    I’ve been fascinated by the sayings I’ve found in Colombia(remember that Colombia has been in a social bubble for about 70 years because of the guerilla). A couple of interesting ones..In Cali-The person who falls in love loses. In the coast..While waiting for Mr Right, enjoy Mr. Wrong! Another fascinating one told to me in a secretive tone by a old Paraguayan guy..”But between men..there doesn’t exist the ugly woman.”

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  • John Doe

    What a great Blog! I got dumped by my ex girlfriend about two months ago from a 9 year relationship.
    I got goosebumps reading the last paragraph. That’s how I got dumped. Never compromise your self-respect, once you do it’s a ongoing downhill road.
    Keep the good work.

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  • beasleyisthebest

    Solid gold wisdom here. Thanks for sharing!

  • James

    This is great and true on so many levels.

    Living on a lonely island? Not so great.

    I’ve often said, playing this game is sometimes like walking a tight rope. At times in my life I’ve been busy at the game of life and said to hell with it.

    Then I went overseas. And discovered how women are supposed to act.

    Stop blaming yourself!

  • James

    There is so much wisdom and good advice in these articles, though of course we need to be careful of hard and fast generalizations. But wisdom comes with experience and honest reflection, so these rules are a good framework with which to approach intimate relationships with women. My father told me when I was a boy just to say “Yes dear” when a woman was clucking away about crap or trying to create an argument, and then go and do whatever it was you wanted to do regardless of their wishes. I didn’t grasp what it meant at the time, but these days it is sage advice indeed! Women so often do just talk for the sake of talking with no rational basis to their fragile thought bubbles and when a man tries to solve their problem with some good ole male logic, he just gets attacked, so best to leave it alone and not get drawn into the insanity of the female.
    I am now in my late 40’s and still a very desirable male. I have had many lovers, more than I can remember, so women find me attractive, but I often quickly lose interest and look for the next pursuit. I didn’t realise I was addicted to the chase until an older, wiser male friend pointed this out to me several years ago. Still, I’ve accepted I’m most likely always going to be a womaniser, but it’s more just for the sex and some fun, not emotional fulfillment. I live alone on a large country property and love my space and solitude and would not trade these things for all the pussy in the free world. Whereas once I used to yearn for a deep connection with a “soul mate” I now have the clarity to recognise such a fantasy is merely that; a fantasy construct that has been sold by Hollywood that so many Western women still believe in. Don’t do there, boys. Be a man, keep your self respect and always be prepared to walk away from anyone and anything that threatens your autonomy and freedom.
    This is such a fascinating subject that all boys should be taught from a young age. As more enlightened men we really need to reclaim our “secret men’s business” and educate younger males as to the reality of machinations of male/female relationships. A good read is Esther Vilar’s ‘The Manipulated Man’ written in 1971. Of course feminists hated it, especially since it was written by a woman.

    “During the first two years of life, a mother does not discriminate between boys and girls. The female infant is submitted to the same form of manipulation until the principles of hygiene are absorbed, but from that moment on, the education of the two sexes follows very different paths. The older the girl grows, the more highly conditioned she becomes in the art of exploiting others, while a boy is increasingly manipulated into becoming an object of exploitation…”

    “To a woman love means power, to a man enslavement. Love provides woman with an excuse for financial exploitation, man with an emotionally charged excuse…As a result of `love,’ man is able to hide his cowardly self-deception behind a smoke screen of sentiment. He is able to make himself believe that his senseless enslavement to woman and her hostages is more than an act of honor, it has a higher purpose. He is entirely happy in his role as a slave and has arrived at the goal
    he has so long desired. Since woman gains nothing but one advantage after another from the situation as it stands today, things will never change. The system forces her to be corrupt, but no one is going to worry about that. Since one can expect nothing from a woman but love, it will remain the currency for any need she might have. Man, her slave, will continue to use his energies only according to his conditioning and never to his own advantage. He will achieve greater goals and the more he achieves,
    the farther women will become alienated from him. The more he tries to ingratiate himself with her, the more demanding she will become; the more he desires her, the less she finds him desirable; the more comforts he provides for her, the more indolent, stupid and inhuman she will become – and man will grow lonelier as a result…”

    If you can’t find happiness in solitude you will only suffer in servitude…

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  • Braivo

    James – your comment was fantastic. As a single father faced with the prospect of spending several years living in solitude I found your story to be very enlightening. I find myself fighting the solitude at times. To know that in a decade, when I reach your age, I can still be a desirable man getting laid with frequency while enjoying a life that I command is very encouraging. Thanks for sharing. I am going to read that link you posted as well. Looks like good stuff.

  • Eric

    You are a genius

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