The 5 Stages of Unplugging

I read an article this morning about the 5 stages of grief (confronting death) and how they apply to coming into acceptance of a previously rejected truth. Yes, I know, there’s no end to the ridiculous interpretations of this played-out pop-psych list, but I was curious about how this might apply to an AFC coming to grips with unplugging from the Matrix, so I did a bit of searching and what did I find on my blog roll search but this:

1. Denial – Still Plugged -In: “These game guys are a bunch of clowns, there’s no way this works on women. Women aren’t stupid. What a bunch of misogynists.”

2. Anger – Post-Red Pill: “This is ridiculous! Why should I have to jump through all these hoops for women? I just want to be myself. Why couldn’t I have been a Natural Alpha®? I blame my parents/siblings/teachers/God/liberals/feminists/media/society, maybe George SodiniAndres Breivik, James Holmes wasn’t so crazy after all.”

3. Bargaining – Unplugged: “Well maybe it does have some good points…but, forget the hot girls, they’re way outta my league. I’ll give it a try if it can help me get around the bases with a plain Jane. Do I have to wear the fuzzy hat and black nail polish?

4. Depression – Bitter Taste of the Red Pill: “Wow, women really respond to this puffed-up act? And guys spend big bucks on it and wind up with more ass than a toilet seat? And I just joined up for this? The world is sad and so am I…”

5. Acceptance – Game Awareness: “Maybe this IS the way things really work. I guess I should give up the gender relations mythology I’ve been holding onto…hey, what do you think of these negs I came up with?”

6. Jaded* – MGTOW Permutations: “Fuck learning all these rules. Sex isn’t worth it and women aren’t that fun anyway. The last thing I want to do is learn routines or the 5 stages of pickup. There’s too many websites, too much to read, I can’t remember it all much less sort it all out. Who has all that time to go out and chat up women anyway? It’s not like I see any women under 40 at work at my engineering job to practice on. Video games and porn are more fun and more available. I just haffta look good and let the women come to me”

* This is a late addition to the list, hardly original and arguably relevant, but I added it for precautionary measures.

Before I get the predictable howls of “someone did this before you” (h/t Badger) allow me to put my spin on it. I get a ton of PMs from forum members, and read threads about guys with friends or relatives in, or just getting over, horrible relationships and how they’ve tried to unplug them only to run into stiff resistance. Looking at this process to acceptance it’s no wonder why.

So my discussion question for today is this; how did you unplug? Was there some moment of clarity that opened your eyes? Did you go through a process like the one described here? Are you maybe still struggling with a certain phase?

Published by Rollo Tomassi

Author of The Rational Male and The Rational Male, Preventive Medicine

149 comments on “The 5 Stages of Unplugging

  1. Wow. First post of year 2015 on this.

    I was always somewhat unplugged, in fact, I had the red pill figured out for years, reading about it just confirmed everything that I had assumed. I am pretty good at analyzing human behavior, just follow the biology and take the most crude, humanless scenario.

    I knew it but did not fully implement it, because I wanted to let a chance to the blue pill and, perhaps most importantly, because I was not mature and strong enough in my mind. I could not stress enough the importance that age had for me. At 28 I find implementing RPT is actually just natural, I do not have much time to spend on women, I see them as interchangeable, disposable items. It is all tied together. Chronobiology is key, I could never have implemented RP to its full extent before this age.Too unconfident, not callous and adamant enough.

    I was at stage 3 1/2 for the last 3 years, now on stage 5. The hardest part is to accept that women are not your friends and that you cannot communicate with them on an equal footing.

    I want to add that even at stage 5, you can slip easily into blue pill land again. Our environnement is incredibly feminized, it takes constant effort to get rid of its influence without resorting to extreme, caricaturesque behavioral change.

    Anyway your blog is quite a breeze to read, it puts me into a very good mood and I thorougly enjoy your posts.

  2. I’m 37 years old.

    I was with my GF for 4 years. I was planning to be with her all my life. We had so many plans for the future.

    One day I returned back from the work, she was at home. I wanted to show her my Spain vacation itinerary, took her Ipad suddenly, and saw a picture of a guy on messenger. I learned after that, my GF, while I was planning our vacation, was chatting with another guy on Facebook, and it had been for months.

    I was shocked, desperate. I was a living dead for months. Even I thought about killing myself. I tried to understand why she did this, I was trying to give her all she wants.

    Modern physiology couldn’t give me appropriate responses. And one day I found reddit and than your blog, Rollo Thomassi, other veterans of redpill.

    Now, I see clearly what was happen, and trying hard to not be in the same situation one more time in my life.

    Thanks for your help.

  3. I think the red pill has a lot more to do with life in general than just how you interact with women. Its like your whole ego structure gets torn down and one of the side effects of that is how you interact with women. A lot of the time this restructering process can start with a traumatic event involving a woman though.
    For me it has been a gradual process. My life got torn down in many ways (family, women, etc) and that made me start looking for answers. I started with spirituality and found my way into the manosphere.
    Ive been through the fucking wringer. You must eat your parents. Form your own personal self and shed all that which has beem added onto you involuntarily from birth.
    Ive been questioning my sexuality a lot even through this whole thing. No stone unturned. I noticed a lot of guys around me and even on the internet are homophobic. I was too. Internalized homophobia. I hugged my uncle a while ago after a brief encounter. He seemed uncomfortable and tried to shake my hand instead.
    Im not sexually attracted to men. But the fact that homosexuality had been such a pull in my mind had made me examine myself and others around me in regards to this subject. Break free of your cage homies. Whatever that cage is for you. We deserve to be free. Peace.

  4. Unfortunately I became aware of this relatively late. I believe I’m between 3 and 4 jumping back and forth between 2 and five sometimes.
    No doubt I’m getting at it and I sure enjoy to read all the posts on the site.

  5. It was in fact a hard pill to swallow… although I was a natural in highschool and early college. I took sex and gender courses and sociology courses in college infested with the idea of 100% equality between the sexes. Biologically and psychologically thats just not the case.

    I went two years single between 23 to 25, where i told my self i wanted to break no more hearts! And after following the wrong mens advice on youtube i became so blue pill it sickens me when i look back… dont get me wrong, blue pill guys are nice and all… but that life style is just not for me.

    Anyways, i met this woman and all the red flags were up for early sex, not long term material etc etc. I looked past them all despite the old natural red pill inside of me begging to differ. I dated her for 3 months and the whore slept with anyman who gave her attention. I later came across the BPD forums and red pill forums and was amazed at how their story was mine, a brotherhood among redpillers, and an unspoken code between us. I was at a dark point in my life, i had barely sobered up and lost weight and i foolishly allowed myself to be balled and chained… my dignity and self respect went down the drain for that woman. I became a shell of the man i once was, a horrible case of oneitis.

    Now i look back and it was a learning experience, and growing back to the man i was, only twice as determined for personal growth and self impowerment. The red pill, and the terminology around it has given me a better understanding of the natural state of the man I am. Regards from the Caribbean. And i hope your web page continues to help afcs, white nights, and beginning Alphas with this awareness.

    P.S. i ended up in therapy after that encounter i was so bad. And yes, my ex is still a whore.

  6. Damn I’m in Stage 4, the fucking depression. How can I surpass this stage? Something to read, to do, mindsets, any shit? My actual state is scary asf

  7. Started reading this info 5 days ago after a friend sent me the link.
    At stage 5 after 5 days if intense reading amd processing and the little wife is wondering whats going on.
    Been married 14 years with 4 children and another on the way. I know what you are all thinking but I genuinly love having lots of children and see a rich life ahead as a result. Got a healthy business and a decent house with investments so hasnt stopped me creating wealth whilst living a good life now. Classic beta bitch conditioning led to marriage and children but Im genuinly happy with it at the age if 46.
    There was a lot of stress in our marriage cause I was being a beta bitch due to still being plugged in. The plugs out and I understand my wife almost completly now as long as I remind myself she is 100% pre occupied with herself and does not give a shit about me. She completley denies it when I tell her point blank but as we know, look at her actions and pretty much dismiss her words. Ole mate duplicity 🙂
    Im learning to quickly id beta behaviours Im displaying and kicking that shit to the kerb.
    I more or less view my wife as a another child in the house and pretty much my posession. I dont get pissed off with her anymore cause I know she has been bioligically amd socially programmed to be a totaly self centered creature who is highly opportunistic.
    I just take what I see is mine since I privide very well for her and our children. Just today, after me berating her over shit (still in anger stage) for the previous 2 days to the point she went and stayed the night at her sisters.
    Just this morning she was a bit salty and I was horny so just went and picked her up and took her to my bed and fucked her. I never did this before. I tell her point blank, you with hold sex in any way then I will with hold privision, simple. If you dont like it then you leave the house and the marriage, period. I have called her bluff and if Im wrong I really dont care. Yes it will be sad but with this info I will be over it quickly cause I have brought myself to believe and embrace the grimm base nature of the female species. Not her fault so dont blame her but will happily work within this new frame work because it works and feels aweaome.
    Thanks manosphere and @Rollo, this info has set me free to 100% embrace my masculinity and all the subsequent benifits that will follow.

  8. Female here. I agree AWALT. Do we have further to go here? Years of feminism have messed it all up but is the manosphere only half way back. A woman is designed to be a helper to a man; to fulfill needs in him and help him achieve his life goals. That is why we crave leadership. If you don’t need our help in your life then we are useless and unfulfilled. Yes, we are happier getting scraps from the table of a man who appears to be going somewhere than we are when given everything from a man who has little real need for us. However, is it really that irrational when our basic drive stems from the fact that we are made for you. Women don’t know that any more so we are just as confused and mis sold as men. We are told to be strong and have careers and deny our maternal and supportive instincts and then we wonder why we blow up our relationships. We also believe the blue pill lies and wonder why it doesn’t work. I am trying to find my way to be all that my husband of nineteen years needs me to be. Red pill blogs have helped me understand his needs more. I think the manosphere is helping men to red pill but when they help women to red pill too we will see a return to devoted relationships on both sides. We do want to be all that you long for.

  9. After getting a second chance to get with my Oneitis after 2 years of being broken up, I fucked it up due to my blue pill tendencies.. However, the brightside without that happening I would have never stumbled upon the red pill (week ago and day of the fuckup) and am now glad it happened. Have been reading non-stop for a week now and I feel so awoken.

    Stay positive and always improve.

  10. I’m 59 years old and am just now staring at the abyss. I’ve been married for 32 years and am definitely beta-blue in my marriage. Don’t plan on going anywhere, but things are damn sure going to have to change. The one reason I’m here is that I have been listening to Rollo on The Pat Campbell Show here in Tulsa. The one advantage I have is that I am a Marine and know that the best place to find out who and what you are is in a dangerous place ( think minefields ). So all I can think to do is follow some modified advice from Kierkegaard ( i.e. “Leap of Faith” ) and jump into the abyss, knowing that the fight for the answer is going to take place in there.
    Semper Fi!

  11. Wodansthane

    Welcome to comments and congratulations on winding up here from the Pat Campbell show.

    Interesting, your choice of initial comments.

    “Don’t plan on going going anywhere…”

    What does that mean? You want to stay in your relationship with wife (and children?)?

    “The one advantage I have is that I am a Marine and know that the best place to find out who and what you are is in a dangerous place ( think minefields ).”

    Sometimes that can be a disadvantage, let alone having been blue pill for so long:

    https://therationalmale.com/2013/01/21/soldiers/

    Rollo: At the risk of encouraging some ecumenical debate in the comment thread, the great failing of most military guys is the expectation of relational equity with regards to their commitment to the 7 Army values. In a military sense, in a sportsmanship sense, in a business sense men believe that the personal investments of sacrifice, loyalty, duty, respect, selfless service, honor, integrity, personal courage, etc. will be appreciated, considered and rewarded with respect, value and/or status. Whether or not this is the actual case on an individual basis, the expectation from amongst a man’s peers is one of an appreciable equity he can build upon and have his eminence increase upon.

    The rude awakening for most soliders is that Hypergamy doesn’t care about relational equity. All of the social value he should be able to accrue through his steadfast commitment (actual or imagined) to principle isn’t recognized by feminine hypergamy. Hypergamy doesn’t care about his belief in the 7 Army values, it only cares about its own imperative. It’s not that women can’t learn to appreciate these virtues in a man, it’s that her natural state of hypergamy (and solipsism) doesn’t facilitate it.

    “So all I can think to do is follow some modified advice from Kierkegaard ( i.e. “Leap of Faith” ) and jump into the abyss, knowing that the fight for the answer is going to take place in there.

    I’m not so sure those words are quite what you mean from them. Leaning out to your edge on a mission is admirable.

    But leap of faith and abyss (a deep or seemingly bottomless chasm) imply not knowing stuff, ignorance of what comes next. Nothing wrong with that as a man with strength, courage, mastery and honor among men.

    But The Red Pill is a praxeology (what works) that is actually an awareness of how things really are in inter-sexual relationships, rather than how they ought to be. It incorporates mastery through knowledge of how you and your wife are operating under the hood with inter-sexual dynamics. To understand the workings and to re-arrange your self in order to help you, her and the kids better. Not to just battle it out. To come prepared to the battle. And not just to battle, but to win the war. Winning the war being to attain your purpose and mission–what you want to accomplish as a man in your current circumstances. Not just to battle for the sake of battle and gaining “release” of constraint. Not to seek a completion in life, but to continue to have Real Power: “the degree to which a person has control over their own circumstances. Real Power is the degree to which we control the directions of our lives.”

    “…..but things are damn sure going to have to change.”

    What is that pray tell?

    And you might want to make comments under the current essay thread, or in the Field Reports section, as a comment like you just made will be buried under a six year old thread.

    Ask questions if you need to on how to best do this. And ask questions about Red Pill. Tell us about yourself…..

  12. “I’m not so sure those words are quite what you mean from them.”

    The problem, in context, is that Kierkegaard was taking his leap from Red Pill into Blue Pill. That’s why he needed faith, rather than conviction.

    Red Pill is empirical.

    I would suggest a different role model for a Marine with a nom de screen like Woden’s Thane.
    Follow Chesty, wherever he is.

    There aren’t enough women in the world to stop a Marine fully armed with the Red Pill from doing whatever he wants to do.

    And always remember, if the Marine Corps had wanted you to have a wife, they would have issued you one.

  13. The problem, in context, is that Kierkegaard was taking his leap from Red Pill into Blue Pill. That’s why he needed faith, rather than conviction.

    K was correct that life requires taking risks even when we don’t have all the facts. Very Red Pill. K never said that reason is useless in everyday matters–only that it is insufficient when it comes to propositions about the Divine.

    https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/kierkegaard/#Reli

  14. I can’t point a specific event how I unplugged. The cause is clear, I was on a quest to get more exciting sex with my wife. To get my wife to desire sex. I started up actually by reading a lot of female written sex blogs, because, learn what they want right? The contradictions and inconsistencies jumped out right at me. The dots gradually appeared and connections gradually to form from 1) following mostly feminists’ blogs and social media account, and 2) I liberally experimented on my wife to figure out what works and what doesn’t.

    It wasn’t easy to figure all this out by reading women’s blogs. It’s very subtle, or covert, but a consistent theme emerged: the constant complaint of men are not men enough. Or how they are attracted to manly men, even as a feminists. They all want to have their cake and eat it too. The message is not explicit, or overt, you really have to read between the lines on what they are really saying.

    No, nothing dramatic or traumatic to get me unplugged. Just a quest to get rid of boredom in the bedroom.

    Then one day, I guess from my browsing history in YouTube, a video with Rollo in it was suggested to me by YouTube. That’s weird too since the topics I view on YouTube have nothing to do with it.

    I think eventually I’d independently come up with a lot of conclusions Rollo has, but it would take a few more years. This blog saved me a ton of time and effort.

    I’d say I’m between 5 and 6, depending on how much energy I have for the day.

  15. I can’t think of any specific event that got me unplugged. Nothing dramatic or traumatic happened in my life.

    I couldn’t get laid to save my life before I met my wife. So no meaningful sexual experience with women either. We dated and flirted online for a while, and had sex the first time we met.

    I have a happy marriage, sex life envied by my social media follower, and wonderful children.

    Even though I can’t think of any specific event that got me unplugged, I know the cause clearly. It’s to generate some spark in the bedroom. It was a quest to figure out what makes my wife tick.

    Ironically, I became aware of the Game from reading feminists’ blogs and following their social media. I found even among the most extreme feminists, they crave manly men. I was still unsure of my conclusion. The confirmation came from me experimenting on my wife liberally. I have to be the drive to make it all working well.

    Even though I blog about female leading/domination fetish, that’s just a façade. The foundation is anything but.

    Rollo’s blog was “recommended for you” on some social media sidebar. I have no idea why this was recommended for me from my browsing history and the people I follow, which are mostly fem-centric topics and contents. But I’m glad I found it. It’ll save me a ton of time discovering things I have yet to be discovered.

    I’d say I’m at stage 5 or 6 prior to landing on this blog.

  16. My unplugging was after my ex broke me down, tried to manipulate me with her borderline methods into following her far-left ideals. She always told me I lacked empathy and shamed me until I actually started considering her opinions. But I never submitted to her Postmodernist aspired tripe as it was nothing I’d ever consider rational.

    One day we fucked and she kicked me out as soon as we finished; claiming, that she had to do her things. Then she broke it off with me the next day, claiming “I wasn’t what she wanted and that I was too set with my evil ideals and political views (I’m a centralist with a more right than left opinion, but not a full-on conservative)”.

    Two weeks later, my blue pilled self went to see her and try to make amends. She told me she started seeing some guy from her philosophy society and that was when I looked to the internet, found Richard Cooper and consequentially Rollo (Plus Red Man Group Saturdays).

    Later I was told through the grape vine that she fucked me and went on a date with the guy as soon as I left. That was her idea of “doing her things”. They are still together and he comes across as a beta plough horse type. Maybe that is the real reason she branched…

    I have learned to accept things through my red pill awakening but I still have issues with staying grounded with my anger and approach to situations when a woman offers bad behavior. What can you advise for a red pilled man when handling that Rollo?

  17. I’m new to your work but highly interested. After reading this article, I’d say I’m on Step 6 which you seem to imply is an unhealthy place to be. What are your suggestions for someone who has the Step 6 attitude?

  18. “I’m new to your work but highly interested. After reading this article, I’d say I’m on Step 6 which you seem to imply is an unhealthy place to be. What are your suggestions for someone who has the Step 6 attitude?

    Step 6 was meant as farcical. And it is nihilistic. Women are generally a complement to a man’s life. When done right, they provide the ultimate masculine ecstasy. Release from constraint. Including La Petit Mort.

    So what you are saying is that you want to make a virtue (out) of necessity.

    The obverse of that is the feminist: “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.”

    I don’t have any good suggestions except: Women are fun to play with.

  19. I feel i’m somehow skipping the Anger fase because i’ve recently went through it with religion?

  20. How did I unplug? My ex and one of my best friends started flirting on my back, she left me, and a few months later I found out they were sleeping together.
    That is when I learned Hypergamy doesn’t care, about anything. Hypergamy cares about hypergamy.
    Thank you RT.

  21. Very non-exclusive by nature since the age of 15, at this age girls are very experimental / hypergamous in a naive way. And my first love jumped ship. I was blue pill.

    The underlying realisation that being morally decent doesnt work with women.

    Cue 8 year relationship 3 years married as a purple pill. Doing everything maturely but non reactive to her shit tests. Financially responsible for family and brutally discarded.

    Everyone has a frame of reference for when they were successful with women, because when they read this content it resonates with them. It explains it all.

    Im now red pill.

  22. I have viewed it more as Five stages of MGTOW, Denial – Right along with your definition. Anger – Same. Bargaining – I viewed as either the Men’s Rights Movement or the PUA community. Either way they are bargaining with the female. Either collectively(MRM) or individually(PUA). Depression – sets in when a person either realizes that there can be no negotiating with the Unfettered Female Hypergamy or the pandering White Knights that supplicate themselves, in the case of the MRM fighting the system, or that Pick Up Artistry is an empty endeavor without meaning beyond just getting tail. It takes awhile to get to that stage because some people live for the fight and some live for the chase and sex fells good, temporarily. Then lastly Acceptance – MGTOW – Accepting the truth that women are not worth the effort. You are better off without women in your life because they are a drain on your resources, time, and sanity. Their love is that of a parasite for the host. Once they are through with you, your wealth is then going to be hers and there is nothing you can do to stop the financial rape she and the government that will support her will do to you. Once she has drained you dry, then she’ll move on to the next host.

  23. My wife told me out of the blue that she is not attracted to me anymore and does not know exactly why. She said she thinks she still loves me, but just does not get hot for me anymore. That shit destroyed me.

  24. I made all mistakes that can ever think – beta mindset, single mommy’s, 4 or 5 of them and all s*it that comes with that. Now getting free of almost 7 years long LTR. 1 year past it but still recovering. Get dumped by my girlfriend in the most bad moment. Find the redpill trought my friend that give me a link. Now I’m becoming better version of myself. Overall I’m not a standart man that is in this community. I have a solid pickup background, my own seduction system and very good game. Probably i could write my own book about women:D
    It’s so good to got so big experience which can now be compared and analyzed through a redpill lens. I saw a lot of stuff that many of man wouldnt believe. I think that I get trough all these steps and now I’m kind a free of Disney stuff. Will see how it work in the real world 🙂

  25. one sort of figures all this out naturally with time, as you get older. yes, there is a huge effort to Beta-down the male population, and it starts from the time you’re born.
    having said that, looks are the biggest pull, if you don’t have/bother with game, with limited resources/provisioning to offer.
    tried and true, get a look, and use the old school standby, aloof game. say nothing, or very little. it works the same as a job interview, many times the applicant who merely answers yes or no, nods, but says very little, gets the job- because they didn’t do anything to disqualify themselves, while everyone else talked to much.
    then you retain mystery. good looks/a look, and mystery, can go a long, long way…
    all you have to do, it be there. they’ll come. I pulled at least a dozen of the hottest women in the local town clutch, back in my younger days, and shot down many more, with this method. then I married one of the hottest ones. so it works.
    the only thing is, when the fish bites, you better be man enough and able to land it. you can fuck it up, and have it snap your line, if you don’t react quickly enough, or flub up setting the hook. i.e. you can’t be shitfaced on booze and drugs, unable to get it up, and all partied out….
    adios ’til next time.

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