On July 20th my wife and I celebrate our 16th wedding anniversary. It’s no secret to my readers that I have a very good marriage and I’m constantly asked what my ‘secret’ is for keeping things positive, or the Oprah classic, “what do you do to ‘Keep It Fresh™‘?’. The manosphere is littered with stories of guys and their divorces contrasted against the stories of single guy’s decaying LTRs or dealing with recovering from them. I try not to make a habit of personalizing things that gloss myself, but when I do just understand it’s more from a sense of being a wild card. Guys with successful marriages (a dubious term at best) don’t really have the motivation to come to forums like the manosphere and share their insights. Why bother if that area of one’s life is more or less taken care of? So in light of this, I’ll share a few things I’ve learned in the last 16 years that make for a good marriage from my perspective.
Let me begin by giving you all some background; Mrs. Tomassi is my first marriage and Bebé Tomassi is my one and only daughter. As I’ve said before, by society’s current standards I’m a freak. I’m a freak in that I met my wife and we dated for 8 months (non-exclusively for 4) before I proposed to her. I was 28 when we married. After 2 years being married we decided to have one child – by design. My wife expected me to be a Man and I in turn expected her to be a Woman. I did not knock her up and then marry her. She was not a single mother, nor did she have excess baggage from previous relationships.
This is important to know, because when I relate stuff like this I often get the “well, you did everything right” response, when in fact every bit of what I enjoy with my wife today is due to me doing much more wrong. I had to unlearn what 26 or so years of feminized and emasculated teachings had taught me up to that point. Admittedly unaware, I had come across a unique situation – a woman who actually wanted a Man to be a Man, and in all honesty I was completely unprepared for it. I was an AFC (really a recovering AFC by that point due to a psychotic relationship prior to all this) and there was no community back then to inform me otherwise. I had read some of Dr. Warren Farrell’s books, but that was the extent of my own self-understanding with regard to my own gender conditioning.
Being the Driver
Now I had come across a woman who on our first date insisted that I drive HER car. My truck was a piece of shit of course , but after years of this gender equalism brainwashing, a woman, upfront, wanted me to take control. Since then I’ve always been the driver (with the exception of her driving us home after I had my wisdom teeth pulled). This was symbolic of how the next 16 years would play out.
Mrs. Tomassi is no push-over and she most certainly gives me shit tests even to this day. In fact I’ve described marriage as one life long shit test and I still hold to that, but from the begining she expected me to be positively masculine – to be the decider, to be the initiator, to have the ideas and to confidently execute them. Even in my worst failures, the fact that I attempted honestly was more important than the outcome. This may not have been the case in the short term, but in the long term is where you can see the appreciation in the behavior. We compliment each other in our understanding of our gender roles.
When we met my wife was dating two very rich men (we were non-exclusive, remember?), I had 2 nickels and a beat up pickup truck to my name. Mrs. Tomassi is a medical professional and the men she’d dated prior were E.R. doctors and specialists; guys making well over $300K annually. They had boats, cars, large homes, status, dispoasable wealth, and yet despite all of that I’m the one she pursued and locked in with (her Mom thought she was insane to marry me at the time). They had it made, but for all that wealth they were still clueless when it came to being Men – they were uncomfortable in their own masculinity. A lot of guys mistakenly believe that having a large bank account is the key to getting women, and while that might help in the short term, in the long term it’s to your own detriment (she’ll end up with half after the divorce) if you don’t ultimately kill the inner AFC and fearlessly embrace the postiveness of your own masculinity.
The Ingredients
There are so many aspects I can detail about what makes for a good marriage, but all of these really boil down to two things, genuine desire and mutual respect. Too many couples become complacent and comfortable in their marriages and this leads to a decline in both of these areas. A certain degree of subtle anxiety and constructive discontent is necessary for a good marriage. That comes off as negative to the plug-ins of the Matrix, but it’s really what makes each partner want to be better for themselves and each other. Taken too far it becomes abusive, but none at all and the marriage becomes stagnant which is equally dangerous. In the right proportion, this anxiety makes for a marriage that retains it’s mutual desire (which is really analogous to Interest Level) and mutual respect.
So how does this anxiety manifest itself? An easy example is staying in shape together. I can honestly say my wife is still hot (if not more so since the boob job). I want to bang my wife as often as humanly possible; how many men married for 10 years can make that statement? My wife is a piece of ass and I see guys eye her all the time. Likewise I’m a bodybuilder and keep myself in peak condition. I get women in their 20’s flirting with me often enough, and this confirms for her and myself that we are both desirable people – this is one example of this anxiety, and we both recognize it and respect each other for it.
There are other ways this anxiety can be applied, for instance C&F (cocky & funny) goes a long way in marriage. Mrs. Tomassi loves just enough C&F attitude from me to reaffirm her perception of my confidence. As I said earlier, marriage is a life long set of shit tests and carefully used C&F is a tool that can be used to diffuse a lot of these before they even happen. Confidence is still the thing that makes a woman want a man, even in marriage. Generally a shit test IS a test of confidence. Prior to marriage, it’s latent purpose is to help a woman determine whether a guy can provide for her long term security. After marriage, a shit test is used to reassure a woman that she married the right guy.
I’ve come to find that Game is even more necessary in marriage than when you’re single – there’s far more at stake when the commitment is intended to be for a lifetime.
I have a lot of rules I pop off with about LTRs & marriage. I emphasize that a man not even become monogamous until he’s 30 and that he shouldn’t consider marriage until his mid 30s. Again, I state this not because I did so myself, but from my side of the fence I can see the huge advantages to doing so now. Marriage should be a last resort, something to be forestalled until a Man, by virtue of years of experience, has the ability to recognize with measurable accuracy, a woman who deserves what he provides her. The PRIZE mentality is essential. A man must be a Prince first, before he can be a King when he marries.
After 16 years of marriage I can honestly say there are no appreciable advantages (outside of raising children) that a man cannot enjoy single that he can married. That’s not meant to be pessimistic, but rather a caution to emphasize how important it is to disabuse yourselves of this AFC, romanticized, marriage-as-goal mentality. It’s also not to say marriage is never worth it – just that marriage is complete advantage for women with negligible, if any, benefit for men. Marriage will either make a man’s life or destroy his life; enter into thinking about it like this and you’ll make a better decision. Is this person deserving of what I provide? Women will NEVER, even in the best of marriages, fully appreciate the sacrifices a man has to make in order to fulfill his commitment of marriage. Entering into a life-long binding commitment of fidelity that offers a man very little appreciable advantage, and knowing the totality of the risk he’s assuming in accepting that sacrifice will never be fully understood or appreciated by the woman he marries. This is why you have put your head into thinking whether she’s deserving of your provisioning, security, confidence, attention, etc. even when it goes against what you think is your kind and good-hearted nature. If you’ve come to a point where in spite of the acknowledged risks you still want to make that commitment, you must be as self-concerned about marriage as you would be in saving your own life.
Ancadudar, “It seems like from what everyone is now saying, that it must always be the woman’s fault.” Not everything. Just your own doing. What is your own doing? picking that guy (among the others) and now destroying that relationship to trade up for something that must be better, somehow, somewhere. That instead of taking ownership and fixing things. Which you would do if you were anchored in the masculine and leading. “Also, I’m guessing you guys all think women cannot and should not lead.” Why guess? I’ve explicitly said women can’t lead. Not that they shouldn’t: that they can’t.… Read more »
“I’m not sure what I did to you guys to invite this beat up, but I mean no harm to anyone.”
Except her hubby, who she’s ragged on and about to serve divorce papers. Perfect!
@ YOHAMI: “But shortly her ‘nesting’ impulse will take over. Which means: make the space safe, capitalize in all the resources, decorate everything to signal ownership, get rid of the competition including all the other pretty women, bring the castrated beta backrubbers, find a way to dominate the alpha dudes.” Feminism helped them achieve all of the above, but they still cant find a way to dominate the alpha dudes. If only the Aplha Dudes would buy the “body positivity” message and the younger fertile women disappeared altogether, then all would be good for these awesome women “who are anchored… Read more »
@Sentient: “How is your leadership there? Can you manage one? What’s for dinner?”
– Ramen Noodles
Incubus….
Yes… after a run to the store!
The guy from Dr. Phil’s video said what he wants from his wife (ahh dog logic):
I want these three things: I want her to be accountable, I want her to work on her priorities and quit creating this conflict.
…and that’s exactly what a woman can’t give him.
How’s that for a female leader? LOL
I’m not sure what I did to you guys to invite this beat up, but I mean no harm to anyone.
You are a proponent of feminism and feminism has caused a massive societal clusterfuck that has harmed pretty much every man. Go figure.
Women rise up out of this structure and fill the caregiving, literature, humanitarian areas, distribution, etc. Women usually lead in areas that have to do with caring for people. Stuff girls care about. Minus literature, because the best lit was written by men. And minus transportation, because most truck drivers and train engineers are men. And hospital administrators. Have at it with the rest. Women are managers because executives need someone to fuck. Women excel at having babies, except when they are infertile. Men can’t compete in that realm because biology. I don’t believe the shit about men used to… Read more »
ancadudar t’s getting fanatical, really really fanatical. Try to listen to some videos from John Piper, Mark Discroll, Bruce Ware, they teach to control everything.. No idea who Bruce Ware is, but…. John Piper? That pussy-whipped beta boy? Driscoll? That woman-pedestalizing man-berating bonehead? Churchians like them are a big source of problems. There are men now who are leaving these groups because they see the damage it has done to their wives. Nah, those men are leaving the groups because their wives are not haaaapy. The reason for that is obvious: the men are being told to ManUP but they… Read more »
“Women rise up out of this structure and fill the caregiving, literature, humanitarian areas, distribution, etc. Women usually lead in areas that have to do with caring for people.”
Who’ll kill the spiders, mice?
“I’m not sure what I did to you guys to invite this beat up, but I mean no harm to anyone.” Haha! What happened to that masculine female leadership, Ancadudar? When men come on here with their buffers and preconceived notions, they are ripped apart until they stop making the excuses that made them unhappy and made them seek this very site in the first place! People face the fire here. Now here you are facing the fire, telling us how masculine you are and how much you want to lead, and the moment you are tested with some manly… Read more »
Leaders don’t whine about their ideas being questioned.
Men play rough. If a woman come into a male space, is treated roughly, then cries abuse, she is guilty of being rude.
“Will your cognitive dissonance allow you to see this?”
Why ask? Of course not. She’s functioning as factory wired.
@newlyaloof, “Now here you are facing the fire, telling us how masculine you are and how much you want to lead, and the moment you are tested with some manly criticism, what do you do? You play the victim card. This is why women can’t lead. You just proved our point. Do you not see this? Will your cognitive dissonance allow you to see this?” No I can’t see it. I don’t think I’m masculine, at least not the way I see and relate to the masculine. I never said I want to or can lead like a man. I… Read more »
“I can book a fucking vacation”
Good! Fucking is one way to connect emotionally.
Your anxiety is poking out, tuck it back in Ms. Strong Independence, and easy on the keyboard.
@anca
Is that your case?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGy-e9t3wEQ
How old are you? Any kids?
Late 20s, no kids, right?
@EH: You are right. Nothing wrong with her. “She’s functioning as factory wired.”
N.b. If you didn’t potty-mouth curse like a sailor you’d be more feminine.
You do like the dirty talk rough stuff! My spider sense tingles in all the right places.
Shit! It just moved.
Acadaderbabe, nasty girl, drop those Carhartts and get your sweet ass over here.
@EH / ZIncubus rising,
She’d wear a f#ckin’ burka if her husband was giving her squirting orgasms and told her to. That’s ground zero for this deconstruction.
“No I can’t see it. I don’t think I’m masculine, at least not the way I see and relate to the masculine.”
Interpretation: I can’t move the couch by myself.
@newlyaloof
“She’d wear a f#ckin’ burka if her husband was giving her squirting orgasms and told her to. That’s ground zero for this deconstruction.”
Ok, I think I might send my husband over here after all! I’ll tell him to speak with you and EhIntellect.
Have a Good Day Gentlemen.
@newlyaloof: You nailed it. That is exactly what it is. She has been married to that poor sap for long and he does not give her the vagina tingles anymore. He did not change overnight, but her emotions have changed and the hamster is spinning very fast trying to look for “excuses” to get out of this situation and begin her “Eat, Love and Pray” adventure. If she thought he was a man with options, had his shit together, was pursued by other women and was not a beta using the bible to make her submit, then would she mind… Read more »
My cognitive dissonance is the one getting a workout here. Those clergymen that have been referenced are afraid of women. They are under threat-point from their own wives, and have written publicly demonstrating this. I’m finding it impossible to reconcile the idea that they espouse dictatorial actions from a husband, when so much of their public policies revolve around appeasing women, and men sacrificing their lives for women. It just won’t synch up. Act two: Men don’t want to be led by women. The kind of man ancadudar and most women are truly interested in, don’t want to be led… Read more »
“Ok, I think I might send my husband over here after all! I’ll tell him to speak with you and EhIntellect.” “I might” – passive, indecisive, non-leader phrase “send him” – (not ask him to visit it) aggressive, assumptive leadership The beauty of mixed messages and emotions all in one sentence to illustrate why we marvel at the feminine creature. You can send him, sure, but you will always know you sent him and the change will never satisfy you. Why? Because Eve had eternal life and the whole fucking earth as her playground and what happened? She wasn’t “happy”… Read more »
@newlyaloof
“She’d wear a f#ckin’ burka if her husband was giving her squirting orgasms and told her to. That’s ground zero for this deconstruction.”
Ok, I think I might send my husband over here after all! I’ll tell him to speak with you and EhIntellect.
Have a Good Day Gentlemen.
The squirting orgasms always get them… Lesson here.
“The beauty of mixed messages and emotions all in one sentence to illustrate why we marvel at the feminine creature.” The very traits that attracted this woman to her man are now being used by her to leave him by describing them as evil, domineering, blah blah. Why? Because she and the Church have successfully betatized him and she does get the “feelz” anymore. Stop blaming the Church, Anca. Tell your man you don’t like his dick anymore and walk out with your head high. If he asks you “why”, tell him to “go figure” and give him the link… Read more »
@Lost Patrol “Act two: Men don’t want to be led by women. The kind of man ancadudar and most women are truly interested in, don’t want to be led by a woman. It happens, by virtue of the feminine primary social order that sees some men having to follow a woman’s lead to get his paycheck; but he is pissed off about it and thinks she’s a joke. This is a fact. A man as we know him, absolutely, at the very core of his being, does not ever want to follow a woman doing one single damn thing. If… Read more »
@Sentient, after the squirting orgasm, they barely have enough energy for one paragraph and a thank you. Prior to that, they have enough energy for 10 frustrated paragraphs. 🙂
@anca – what you just described is not leadership – it is research. You were acting as your hubby’s research assistant, bringing the results of it to his attention for his acceptance and validation. Leadership would be that you just bought the investment because YOU knew it to be a sound choice, and therefore didn’t need anyone – least of all your henpecked beta chump husband to validate your choice. Of course, you would also know that there would be consequences to your action, but you would still act because you were being true to yourself. You are willing to… Read more »
@ancadudar
Just because a woman can make me some more money doesn’t mean she’s running MY show.
It aint broke, don’t need fixing. Know who else makes money for their men? Prostitutes. That’s who.
So if your wife did the research and found a great investment opportunity, and you verified it to honestly be a good catch…
This would be great, and would mean there is an intelligent and useful helper/assistant that is able by individual effort to add value to the family team – led by the husband/boss.
marelius, @anca – what you just described is not leadership – it is research. You were acting as your hubby’s research assistant, bringing the results of it to his attention for his acceptance and validation. “Leadership would be that you just bought the investment because YOU knew it to be a sound choice, and therefore didn’t need anyone – least of all your henpecked beta chump husband to validate your choice. Of course, you would also know that there would be consequences to your action, but you would still act because you were being true to yourself. You are willing… Read more »
“Guys save the …”
No. We do what we want here.
Mark Driscoll is the preeminent example of a Blue Pill “alpha” pastor trying to AMOG the men in his congregation to salve the truth that his wife had sex with a guy before he came along.
He presents the appearance that he’s a Tyrannical Male but is every bit the White Knight for the Feminine Imperative that’s assimilated his religion. If you spent any time on Dalrock’s blog you’d know that mainstream Evangelical churchianity is a lost cause for men.
https://therationalmale.com/2016/08/30/losing-my-religion/
@Anca “Ok, that makes sense. But I would never NEVER do that because I would be afraid of what my husband would think for doing something like that behind his back.” Exactly – you would NEVER do that. What “that” is, is being a leader. Why that is is manifold, but you yourself have just confirmed what we all have been trying to tell you. AWALT. The corollary is that, because you would NEVER lead, you are constantly on the lookout for someone to lead you. Before you chose him, you tested to confirm that. After you chose him, you… Read more »
“Before I got married, I did exactly what you described above. I did not seek the approval of anyone because I was single, so I invested as I saw fit.”
Yeah that’s all high grade horse shit.
And back to singledom you go! Adios! Though I don’t think you’ll be reliving your pre-wall fuck fest.
“So if your wife did the research and found a great investment opportunity, and you verified it to honestly be a good catch, you would not want to follow her lead in it?”
Like what? BOGO avocados at Kroger’s? Sure.
“I look at it like we are a team because it is a marriage.” Yeah we get it already…coequal partnership, complemenatarianism, choreplay…your man’s losing out for years as you’ve been mooching his energy, spirit and intent for a fulfilling life…that would have served both your Alpha Fucks with a side of Beta Bucks….for yourself then claiming he’s not giving his all and isn’t masculine as you’ve BY NATURE gelded him after your financial attraction for him overcame your sexual desire. Yeah tell it to the judge. No, literally. You’ll find preinstalled FI sympathy there and leave with cash and prizes.… Read more »
@marelius, “Exactly – you would NEVER do that. What “that” is, is being a leader. Why that is is manifold, but you yourself have just confirmed what we all have been trying to tell you. AWALT.” No I would not because it’s a husband, and yes he represents protection that’s also why, but if he did it I would not find it ok either because i’m a wife. That would just shock me if he operated like that all the time. I did do it when I was single without anyone. It’s not hard to do. “The corollary is that,… Read more »
And yes it’s even worse that the sex is weak yet he want’s the authority to lead like a dominate man. I feel like I’m outperforming him…
sexually lol…
Look we all know where this ends up, with you sharing pics here etc. Arousal sequence – activated!
A woman enters a space full of men, complains about her husband, engages on some shit-testy back and forths with several guys, then states to the whole group she’s unsatisfied sexually.
If this doesn’t work try Tinder.
ancadudar, when your husband walks through the door tonight, immediately drop and suck his package as vigorously as you’ve ever done in your marriage. I mean attack that sucker.
After he is finished, tell him he isn’t finished and lead him into the bedroom. Tell him to fuck you harder and longer than he ever has. See what this type of counseling does.
Report back.
“He won’t stop. And yes it’s even worse that the sex is weak yet he want’s the authority to lead like a dominate man. I feel like I’m outperforming him, I don’t want to fake weakness to match him.” Don’t flatter yourself, honey….he’s been fapping without you for years…you’re not out performing him…your terrified your gossamer thin leadership charade is collapsing….you can’t keep up as he’s clawing back frame….ask me how I know honey…he’s becoming the EXACT thing you’re looking for but decide to shit test a bunch of online experts who see through that veneer.. Your hubby’s winning and… Read more »
@Sentient
Look we all know where this ends up, with you sharing pics here etc. Arousal sequence – activated! – That got me laughing. Thanks.
“If you look deep within you and are honest, you will see your posts here as a part of that search. You are asking “better men” to help you define a profile to use as the object of your search. You are genetically hardwired to pursue this end. You may never be able to come to terms with the truth of this, but one thing is for sure. If you ever are to come to terms with this, you will only do it by honest introspection, rather than by “profiling” your man and the current situation he has “forced” you… Read more »
Aaaand as she hasn’t replied to my height-weight question….she a land whale.
She’s busy photoshoping a pic of her from 10 years ago. Patience.
“She’s busy photoshoping a pic of her from 10 years ago. Patience.” Guys the pics are never going to come. But this was so important for me to know how you guys think, and what’s going on behind the scenes. I did not know what the hell the Romans were trying to protect by policing their women. It seems like one gender is going to consume the other either way. Go back to patriarchy and there will be an abuse of women as there always has been, and yes it was real even though you guys won’t acknowledge it because… Read more »
You’re baiting
” I also learned that with this kind of frame promoted here, everything will always be the woman’s fault according to this theory.”
No – only the things that are your fault are your fault.
Now get introspective and make a list. Own your stuff.
“I wonder if a man can even do something wrong since trying to get the female to self-doubt seems to be a big strategy used. ”
Men do plenty of things wrong.
Now fuck off.
“But this was so important for me to know how you guys think, and what’s going on behind the scenes.” TRM is sub-sub-sub specialty Masculinity a la RP. Your man is BP. We’re not behind the scenes you idiot. There aren’t enough of us to go around though we smash it where we do. Look, iron puasywillow, this is exactly what you want but will never, ever, ever get as we spot trash feminist empowerment mascurading as tradcon churchy, leftist feminists, mainstream bratty women. and of it’s not bangable a.k.a. hot (which you’re not obviously as you’d have moved on… Read more »
The corollary is that, because you would NEVER lead, you are constantly on the lookout for someone to lead you. Before you chose him, you tested to confirm that. After you chose him, you continued to test to confirm that. Just to clarify, this testing isn’t because the woman is a bad person–it’s simply biology in action. Of course, if you take vows, you are obligated to keep them, biology notwithstanding. It sucks for women when their man continually fails their tests. And, of course, society has programmed men to fail those tests. And, of course, the Feminine Imperative has… Read more »
I did not know what the hell the Romans were trying to protect by policing their women. The purpose of policing women was to prevent other men from impregnating them. From having to raise someone else’s kid and letting someone else’s kid inherit your wealth. Keeping your daughters virgin so that they would have value in a marriage. Which means that having virgin daughters adds value to the father because he could marry them off to another family and create an alliance. And, under Patriarchy, men had such high status that women could be attracted to just about any man… Read more »
@Rollo
I know that back in the 90´s there was no manosphere and the Red Pill didn´t even exist. So, I always wanted to ask you some things. How did you know that Mrs. Tomassi wasn´t what we now call Alpha Widow? Why you didn´t wait to be at least 30 yo to get married? At some point before getting married did you go through a short period of Oneitis for Mrs. Tomassi?
“Introspecting here.”
Now that explains the buzzing noise…
She probably gets made fun of for burning the toast and breaking the yolks,she has no pride in her culinary skills.