The opposite of love is not hate – the opposite of love is indifference.

I think one of the biggest mistakes guys against a 3 Strikes rule make is assuming that it means a guy would be so preoccupied with sex that you couldn’t wait for 4-6 dates. They assume that a 3 Strikes rule (or any rule dependent upon sexual reciprocation) makes them Players at best, superficial and sex-concerned at worst. Nothing could be further from the truth.

The mistake is to presume that a 3 date policy is some form of punishment for the girl for not having ‘put out’ soon enough to verify interest. It’s not punishment, it’s a fail-safe that serves to protect a guy from some protracted personal investment for a very limited return. For example, I play golf and when I want to improve my game I hire a golf pro. I pay him $120 for 3 lessons, so $40 per lesson (very similar to the $40 per date rule popularized by Tom Leykis). At the end of my 3rd lesson I assess whether or not my game’s improved and I can decide to continue with him or, if I see no improvement I can choose to find another pro and do the same. There are a lot of golf pros ready to work with me. I’m not punishing the pro for doing this, I’m simply looking for the best value in an area I wish to improve in. If I think my swing has improved or I notice my average go up, I’ll continue with with the pro.

The misunderstanding is to see a 3 Strikes rule as a threat. “She’d better put out after tonight or I’m outta here”. I can see why that would place a burden upon a woman, but you must take into account why a 3 Strike rule would even be a necessary concept. 3 dates (and I mean real dates, none of this coffee / lunch crap) over the course of 3 weeks should be ample time to make the assessment as to whether a woman has interest and attraction enough to become intimate. Anything beyond this is indicative of filibustering on a woman’s part and usually points to an only lukewarm IL if at all. In this way a 3 Strike rule benefits both men and women; why would either sex want to engage in a relationship that was lackluster from the start? Why would either want to be involved with a person who was settled on or settled for?

It’s urgency and anxiety that makes for genuine, chemical-fueled sexual desire – not comfort, not familiarity. This is precisely why I say Any woman who makes you wait for sex, or by her actions implies she is making you wait for sex; the sex is NEVER worth the wait. It’s not that you can’t have sex with her, it’s that the sex is compromised, internally debated, choice-of-necessity sex. It becomes mundane before anyone’s clothes come off.

The Power of NEXT

I used the above situation as a prelude to illustrate the power of tapping into one of the most elusive and difficult to internalize principles of game – the power of NEXT. It’s very easy to casually type, “just NEXT her man” when you have no personal investment in the advice you give. It’s standard male deductive-logic pragmatism, and rightly so, to solve the problem by eliminating the source. Likewise when you lack a real understanding of the personal conditions and mental schemas the average guy (i.e. Matrix-Beta) is predisposed to, telling him to simply NEXT the only plate he’s got spinning is about as useful as telling him to Just Be Himself with the next girl he happens into.

Spinning Plates is actually the best starting point for mastering the power of NEXT. When you have other irons in the fire it’s much easier to shift the focus of your attention to another woman; at least in theory. There’s a certain degree of emotional dissociation that needs to be made and this is usually dependent upon the personal investment a Man puts into any one woman. Far too many men, and even practiced PUAs, have a very hard time with NEXT not only because of this dissociation, but also the doubt that comes from “what might’ve been.” Couple this with a soul-mate myth inspired ONEitis and you can see why most guys will fight to their own bitter end not to NEXT the girl they’re with.

It’s exactly this doubt that makes men think they’d be throwing the baby out with the bath water by NEXTing a woman. A lot of men think that NEXTing a girl is some knee-jerk response from guys who don’t have any other ideas of what to do, when in fact it should be a practiced, default response for the first indication that a woman is attempting to set the frame in her favor by manipulating a guy using her intimacy as a carrot to pull the cart. It’s men without options that find NEXTing a girl in some way ‘wrong’, and to a man with only one plate spinning this is entirely counterintuitive, but it’s important to remember that Rejection is better than Regret – even if you’re the one doing the rejecting. It’s better err on the side of NEXTing than be dragged into the quicksand of a woman’s frame.

Tactical NEXTing

The opposite of love is not hate – the opposite of love is indifference. When your silence inspires more anxiety than any spoken threat, that’s when you’re an Alpha.

Learning indifference is the key to mastering the power of NEXT. Women are masters of indifference for the same reason Men with options (i.e. Plate Spinners) find it useful; they derive confidence from having options. Since women (in their prime) are the primary sexual selectors, indifference is their natural default state. It’s only Men with options who make an impact enough to rattle a woman out of this default indifference and fire her imagination (caffeinate the Hamster).

NEXTing as a tool is one of the best ways to determine real interest level in a woman. Dumping a woman is one of the highest forms of DHV that a man possesses. Nine times out of ten the NEXTed woman will attempt to reconnect with the guy who’s got the personal confidence enough to walk away from her. Why is this? Because it shakes up the routine which you slip into by playing in her frame. In behavioral psychology terms she’s about to go into what’s called an extinction burst. You’ve removed her source of reward (i.e. attention, comfort, familiarity) and now she will frantically attempt to restore it. Uncertainty is exciting, particularly after you’ve set a pattern of behavior that she thinks is secure. Unpredictability is good. The guy who can walk away from a less than optimal situation is a man communicating that he has options and the confidence to be uncompromising (or at least less compromising) in what he’s willing to accept. The secret is that pussy is an easily had commodity and it’s up to a woman to convince you that her intimacy is in someway unique among all others. The hard truth, that she’s well aware of, is that no amount of sex is an equitable trade for a man’s complacency and/or compromising his identity.

In fact, a woman want’s you to walk away; it communicates that her intimacy has no control over you putting you decisively in control (where she wants you to be), increases her desire by planting a seed of doubt of her estimation of you, proves you to be (at least in appearance) a man with other irons in the fire, and finally, confirms for her that your attentions are valuable to other (potential competition) women.

Permanent NEXTing – Going Dark

There will come times when NEXTing a poisonous woman becomes a necessity. For any number of reasons, extracting her from your life may be essential to saving your own life. NEXTing under these conditions (really a break up) takes on much more gravity since the woman you’re cutting off will still experience the same extinction burst despite the factors (perhaps her own fault) that led to it. The same basic principles of emotional dissonance apply, but the emotional investment may make it impossible to achieve true indifference. It’s during these extinction burst when she opens up sexually to retain a your failing interest that prove the most difficult for men to resist. A starving man can’t help but want to eat from the most convenient buffet prepared for him, even when aresenic is on the menu.

As I mentioned in War Brides, women have an innate, hard-wired psychological facility in achieving this degree of indifference that men can scarcely believe they’re capable of – even after decades of an LTR or marriage. So imagining and enacting a disconnect of this emotional magnitude is kind of a foreign concept for men to embrace themselves. It not only goes against our deductive, problem solving natures, but it also conflicts with a feminine primacy acculturation that teaches us to stick with her no matter what, “all for love.”

Keep that in mind; the intent of your leaving isn’t punishment for her misbehavior, nor is it meant to teach her a lesson to learn from, it’s to save your own life from further damage. As I stated earlier, NEXTing a woman is DHV (demonstrating higher value) of the highest order. True or not, It implies you had other, better options than her. NEXTing her implies you’ve just gone from a comfortable, familiar beta to the indifferent Alpha that she never realized you had a capacity for. What serves as a benefit in Tactical NEXTing is liability in a Permanent NEXT, you will hear from her again. At first it will be desperate and crying, later it will be casual with feigned nonchalance – don’t take the bait.

The best thing you can do is go dark. Block her calls / texts, drop her from Facebook if you have one, cut off all contact. No messages via friends, no “hey howya doing?” nothing but indifference. You’re off the grid for her.

Learning indifference is the key to the power of NEXT. Presuming and cultivating that presence of indifference makes your attention that much more valuable and makes a permanent NEXT a much easier transition.

Published by Rollo Tomassi

Author of The Rational Male and The Rational Male, Preventive Medicine

60 comments on “NEXT

  1. I was pretty solid on not dating women (in a serious fashion) if they had time for MySpace or Facebook. That worked well until this past year, but my #1 doesn’t have either and she prefers it this way.

    If I meet a gal out and about and I have any interest in dating her, I don’t add her to Facebook. I make most women who friend request me wait anyway — my profile is public so they can interact with me without actually being a “friend.” Guys who I know or have mutual friends with get approved when I log in next.

    Until I’ve decided if a broad is worth seeing or just LJBFing, she can stay in Friend Request Pending limbo. If she asks me why I haven’t approved her, I tell her — “I haven’t gotten around to it.” Let her prove her value before she’s put into one of my 7 Facebook friend groups. Women who have played extended games with me eventually end up approved, but they’re tossed in the “don’t let them do anything on my profile” group. Let them huff and puff, they’re attention whores anyway. Some of those come around out of sure curiosity, though.

    I pretty much thing “NEXT” every time a gal does anything I disagree with. Flakers, non-responders, excessive shit testers, etc. Even if I’ve been with her for years, I still won’t take any shit attitude from them, because I have the years of experience in seeing what happens even to the hottest women in just 5 years. I don’t need to put up with ANYTHING out of order because they are so easily replaceable.

    Then again, I live and work in cities where men are in low numbers. If I lived in San Francisco or another city where it’s 5 guys to every gal, maybe I’d be slower to “NEXT” a dame, but I can still envision doing it.

    If a woman causes you to have to wonder what she’s up to, do it. Don’t waste 5 minutes going dark, just go dark. If she’s your wife or live-in girlfriend, you can still go dark when you’re not with her, and let her fall into line or move her out quickly. No one deserves the bullshit that women are programmed to give if they’re not 100% totally crazy about a guy. And that’s what protects a woman from “NEXT”: her completely and totally adoring you and everything you do, even if it’s greedy, selfish or patronizing to her.

    Remember: women in love act like retards, even if they’re MENSA types. If your gal isn’t acting like a retard over you, NEXT NEXT NEXT.

    And always have 2 irons in the fire, even if you’re not sleeping with them. Monogamy can work if a gal is constantly afraid of being “NEXT”ed.

    Great post again, Rollo. Top notch.

    1. the effort and thought you put into facebook management is beta behavior of the highest order.

      you sound just like those girls who make facebook their lives.

      facebook management should be this and nothing more: completely private facebook, closest personal friends and family only. period end of story.

  2. So, what exactly is the difference between a Tactical NEXT and a Permanent one? And more to the point, how do you cash in the new DMV the Tactical Next just gave you?

    There is a lot of talk around about NEXT, but hardly ever about how you should use it to actually get a girl. Is it really just a sledgehammer, or can it be used constructively?

    1. Your attitude towards a new gal should be that you’re busy, you’ve got things going on, you’re doing things actively, and if she snoozes, she loses.


      Let’s say you call/text a gal to meet you up. She ignores you completely (no response). You tactically “NEXT” her (for real) and hit up your second favorite. If the first gal texts you, don’t give her a quick or long reply. Get her juices flowing. Women create stories in their head that are so far from reality, but at least they’re thinking about you when they create these stories of what you’re up to.

      If a gal calls you on tactical silence, you tell her: “I have plans, what’s your story here?” Let them explain themselves, or let them fade away.

      NEXTing is the equivalent to fading a gal, but you only do it when they don’t leap to your demands/requests. You don’t want a lukewarm gal, you want one that’s hot for you.

  3. Right now I am playing by your book however from my own will.
    We’ll see how it evolves. Since 3 weeks it is NoContact rule in action.
    I dont want break completely but I am ready for it.

    Still – bare gold are in words: “it’s to save your own life from further damage.”
    Going undercover I already feel better, feel that I have control over my moves and feelings, most of them.

  4. A buddy of mine used to say “I was looking for a job when I found this one.”

    Even if you don’t realize have options, you do.

  5. Fuck yeah.

    I have one caveat to embellish this discussion with: When you’re a young ‘ma’fuck like me, you tend to need practice to cultivate this kickass motherfuckin’ indifference you speak of it.

    It’s not easy. I attempted it once, and regressed, even with options. Shit got ROUGH. Are there any particular courses of action you can recommend to some young money like myself that can help me navigate the storms of a bitch acting the fool on my ass, Rollo?

  6. You can’t NEXT a girl you haven’t fucked.

    Too many guys are like “oh she didn’t return my call…NEXT!! showed that bitch!”. No, SHE NEXT’ed YOU because your game sucks and to protect your ego you’re ignoring the fact that somewhere along the way you fucked up attracting her so she didn’t return your call and you’re creating a blindspot where you think you “won” instead of figuring out why she didn’t return your call and learning to overcome that.

    “oh she flaked on me…NEXT!!!!”. No, you suck and didn’t attract her enough for her to show up. She wouldn’t flake on Brad Pitt. Analyze why she flaked on you and accept that you lost that one because your game needs work.

    “I told her not to do something and she did it…NEXT!!!”. No, you suck and should figure out why she thought it was acceptable to disrespect you. What vibe are you giving off that she thinks you’ll put up with that shit?

    If a girl is making you wait more than 3 dates for sex, your escalation sucks and you are not attractive to her (or you’re too attractive and have placed yourself in the Provider category where she wants to impress you by not putting out, or you suck at screening and qualifying and are out with a nun, etc). The point is, figure out why she wouldn’t put out. Sometimes it’s not your fault but like 90% of the time it is, if you can swallow your pride and actually objectively analyze your game.

    You can stop pursuing her if she doesn’t put out, but don’t act like you’re The Man and NEXT’ed her. You fucked up and then gave up and probably can’t even explain WHY she didn’t put out.

    1. Roissy Maxim #75: If you get sexually rejected, don’t admit it to yourself, and especially don’t admit it to the girl.

        1. You’re just playing into a woman’s game by questioning yourself. Sounds like too much thinking to me. It’s better to be indifferent and move on. If the harems are a part of your world, then it’s you’re way or the highway. Period. Women are naturally unstable; it doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong.

          1. That is a fantastic way of not improving your game.

            You’re just playing into the pitcher’s game when you learn to swing at a good pitch. You should just let it pass by and tell everyone you’re so alpha you didn’t care that you struck out. Then you win the baseball game and can play for the major leagues!!!

            There’s no shame in admitting you suck. That’s the first step to fixing it.

          2. Ah, it depends. Obviously a guy shouldn’t hate on himself or decide that he “sucks” based on a couple of rejections now and then. That’s far too outcome dependent.

            But if he keeps on striking out for months… then obviously some introspection is necessary.

    2. Ya, sex is not the pre-requisite for NEXTing to apply term-wise. Emotional investment is the pre-requisite for NEXTing to apply term-wise … Its quite a powerful attitude to adopt when trying to self-eject from beta orbiter status actually. Not that I have any experience with that 🙂

  7. “Nexting” for want of a better word should be a last resort. As a man you should be able to maintain the frame then if your woman is unable to surrender to love and her feminine core you leave.

    1. That is a great frame, only last week have I really started rolling it around mentally. I like it because it makes it seem like she is the problem and I’m just a cool indifferent dude.

  8. VCB in general shows me only the best picture of hypergamy.
    Women do whatever they want without regret.
    They are always right.

  9. > As a man you should be able …

    As a man I should NOT give a sht about anything.
    This is my only duty.

  10. The problem is that for many, if not most, guys, pussy is NOT an easily had commodity. It’s scarce. This applies to this article and to the plates article…And if the idea is to “learn game”, then your’re preaching to the choir – those who know game intuitively do this.

  11. Just NEXTed my girlfriend. Sounds harsh, and to be honest it was a long time coming (should’ve done it months ago), but this time it’s done for real. I’m 21, she’s 25 and we’re not that compatible. The sex was great, but she’s borderline bipolar, has a mean fucking attitude and a drinking problem. Really shouldn’t have gotten involved, but I have a bad habit of developing ONEitis. Time to fix this.

    1. I dated an alcoholic chick for a few months. I’m guessing the alcohol causes the bipolar. We would be out with friends having a few drinks and by the end of the night I would be talking to another one of my female friends and she would freak out and storm off.

      Of course, the fact that she was starting to hook up with someone she used to go to high school with was ok but me even talking to a person with tits was grounds for a nuclear meltdown.


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  14. These two fragments sounded sharply insidy my mind:

    “There will come times when NEXTing a poisonous woman becomes a necessity. For any number of reasons, extracting her from your life may be essential to saving your own life.”


    “It’s during these extinction burst when she opens up sexually to retain a your failing interest that prove the most difficult for men to resist. A starving man can’t help but want to eat from the most convenient buffet prepared for him, even when aresenic is on the menu.”

    Some time ago, I got involved with a married woman. Sex was awesome, but I knew it wasn’t going nowhere, as she wasn’t getting divorced anytime soon. If anything, it was going somewhere not nice at all.

    I decided to grab my pair and broke up with her. It was hard for me, but harder for her, because she was really into me.

    From that moment on, I NEXT girls from the 2nd date, rarely 3rd date.

  15. After my last breakup, I return to this entry to reinforce this part in my mind:

    “Keep that in mind; the intent of your leaving isn’t punishment for her misbehavior, nor is it meant to teach her a lesson to learn from, it’s to save your own life from further damage.”

    I know you hear this often, but THANKS MAN.

  16. Hey guys i need advice from you!.

    So ive met that girl and we started texting a lot in the beginning.
    At first she was all over me, texting a lot, asking questions, wishing good night, good day at work etc.

    Then i saw her again in a sort of “public date” she came with a girlfriend of hers. The next date, we went to movies together and went to a bar, kissed and shit in the car ( no sex tho).

    So from this point she started to fuck me in the brains. We still texted a lot, but she started to manifest the following behaviours:

    1. Asking things like “Do you want us to meet again?” and then obviously leading the conversation towards me asking her out. Then the moment i ask her if she want to do xyz tonight or tomorrow, she then would not answer for the rest of the day and then reply something lame like “i have forgot my phone in the car”

    2. She would even ask me out herself, but the moment i say yes lets do this at this time she would find some excuse not to go.

    3. She would often ask me what im doing, the moment i answer that im already doing something she would say : “oh i wanted you to come sleep at my place”. And if i then suggested that i can come after, it is either ignore or some lame excuse.

    4. She would say to me “fuck texting we should see each other” then suggest that it is my fault that i am so busy.

    This went for like a month, considering she was out of town for like 2 weeks. So then one day she ignored my text once again and i got pissed off and decided not to talk to her anymore, so i stopped initiating communication.

    After around a week she started to text me ” oh i haven’t had any news from you”, ” oh do you have a girlfriend you didn’t tell me about or do you want to see me ?”

    So we ended up seeing each other last weekend having a good date. Then for a day i dont hear anything from her, ok understandable i didn’t text her either. But on the next day she says hi to me, i reply back then no answer for the rest of the day. And today i started conversation but she pulled the classic ignore me after a few replies.

    So now i am debating what is going on?

    1. She is interested in me, and just playing hardcore games with me
    2. She is not interested in me, and she is just toying around
    3. She is crazy, and doesn’t know what she wants.

    What should i do now?

  17. @Altec:

    Reading your options:
    1) Fucking bitch
    2) Fucking bitch
    3) Dumb fucking bitch

    Is she hot at all? I’d maybe have sex with her and then to forget.
    If not, just move on.

    ATTRACTION IS NOT A CHOICE, said some famous PUA (Mystery?), so you can’t just theorise or ‘find the magic trick’ to make this girl fall in love with you.

    You are just making yourself waste your time. Move on. NEEEEEEEEXT!

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  19. You can next a woman all you want, but these days, said nexted woman will have hundreds of guys willing to break their backs for the chance to even talk to her. Nexting is most effective when there’s attraction there. If not, it’s about as effective as saying “I have a penis.” Sorry, the male penis has no social value.

    1. NEXTing is about being pragmatic, not a punishment. Again, your fem-nine conditioning is evident in your reflexive response here.

      You believe you are powerless with women.

  20. DHV of the highest order….truth. When breaking up with an LTR girl, they insist it has to be someone else…something spiteful like “hope she’s worth it” blah blah…their ego is so fragile they have to insist it’s some other goddess that’s above her before accepting that she’s just batshit and unbearable. Seriously, I’ve never had a good LTR breakup with a girl who just accepted that I didn’t want to be with her….they will prod relentlessly “who is she, tell me!!!!” or “have you met someone else?”…never accepting the “no, I just can’t continue this relationship anymore.” That, is completely unacceptable.

    Most late 20s girls have that 1 guy…the one they came close to snaring for good but it just fell apart and he’s out there enjoying himself. That’s your alpha widow. Bet your ass she looks him up from time to time…not a girl you want to marry guys. You’ll never be him because he pulled the ultimate DHV on her. You literally have to dump her to (maybe) make her let him go

  21. True words have never been spoken – “Nexting is all about options”.
    2 most important weapons in the arsenal of a man – confidence & options.

  22. Never thought I’d find an article on simple nexting, let alone it would be as ‘reassuring’ and descriptive as this.

  23. “Spinning Plates is actually the best starting point for mastering the power of NEXT. When you have other irons in the fire it’s much easier to shift the focus of your attention to another woman; at least in theory. There’s a certain degree of emotional dissociation that needs to be made and this is usually dependent upon the personal investment a Man puts into any one woman.”

    Yep… hate to say it but my mom told me this when growing up… something along the lines of,

    “You can’t compete with the girls that are putting out. If a guy likes you and (is spinning plates like most are), then if he tries to have sex with you, and you say no, he’ll drop you and go to another girl (on his plate list) who will be more than happy to have sex with him. If you want to stay a virgin until marriage, you’re going to be passed over by a lot of men only interested in sex more than creating a lasting, meaningful relationship.”

  24. Unless she was advising you to remain a virgin until marriage. Her message is unclear to me.

  25. She was/is amazing! She was telling me the truth, and yes, wanting me to choose to be a virgin until marriage. I didn’t quite make it to the altar with my husband lol… but we were definitely close. So yes, I did make him wait, but he would absolutely argue that the wait was well worth it. And he’s my only. And a large part of that is her being so honest about dating and the real things that happen between the sexes.

  26. It shouldn’t be unclear to you. Isn’t one of Rollo’s main points (rules?) about the sex’s basically trying to wield their strategies against the other’s? That for one sex’s strategy to win, the other has to be compromised?

    It’s about that exactly. For a male’s sexual strategy to win, he has to next appropriately, he also needs to wait until his career is really underway before marriage, he needs to not fall into the will of the feminine imperative of getting him to cater to her first, putting his dreams and desires aside so that he could accommodate her’s.

    For a woman’s sexual strategy to win, she has to be able to “next” a guy if he pressures her for sex even though she wants to wait until marriage, she needs to lock down someone while she is young – not to wait until her career is rounded out and she’s in her 30’s. The alpha fucks and beta bucks strategy is the female normal strategy, and in it, men lose.

    Me marrying my husband before he was financially ready, before his career was set, was my strategy (albeit I really didn’t think of it as any kind of strategy), and you could argue that I won and he lost. For him to have “won” he technically (according to Rollo’s Next) should’ve nexted me because I was trying to wait until marriage. He then (I am certain) would’ve had a lot of other women and eventually married once his career was really set and he was in his 30’s.

    When we started dating, he let me know he wasn’t interested in marriage at that point at all… but then our feelings took over, and we were incredibly in lust, and we ended up married the next year.

  27. Went through the beta crawl back phase myself.

    Commited to the hard indifference after that bit me in the ass.
    First she came back begging and crying for me when her new man left her.
    Months later she texted out of nowhere with a friendly nostalgia joke reference.

    It took leaning the hard way that none of these instances of contact or any of the ones in the past had anything to with her feelings for me. It was always about her. I’m glad I had Rollo for these tests but I wish I had known earlier

  28. Good way to remind oneself to be self-fulfilled and not relying on her validation to be happy with yourself.

    Especially if you remain comfortable with yourself, happy with yourself, her validation should not ever, ever, be necessary. She’s gotta be ready for a relationship (or sex) and be comfortable with it or else both of you are going to get frustrated.

    NEXTing her lets her get her mind right. Saves you and her the frustration of her own damn confusion. Enjoy your life, if she gets frustrated, then you’re just not on the same page and either you both realize it and fix it, or she needs to get her mind right.

  29. excellent article.

    being NATURALLY indifferent and understanding what “next” does to a female’s comfort level is some very, very powerful shit.

    use it carefully… but use it often and with NO REGRETS.

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