Setting the Rules

From SFS on SoSuave:

Been with my GF for 18 months now , tonight she tells me that we have a dinner with her family to celebrate her cousins B Day at a restaurant on Saturday.

At first I agree, then remember that my SF 49ers are playing a huge game, I tell her dont think Im gonna be able to make the supper because of the game.

She gives me a weird look shrugs her shoulders and give me the sarcastic do whatever you want babe.

To me this is a not brainer, staying home to watch the games.

Thoughts ? I wonder if she will really be upset.

Her cousin is like a brother to her.

I should probably set these rules early on.

Real simple, what do YOU want to do? Who’s frame are you living in?

You can rationalize a reason for either choice: 49ers playing a game that will never be repeated vs. her cousin’s B-Day that will, in all likelihood, come again next year, or you can make the case that football is frivolous compared to the cousin’s B-Day – it make no difference. It doesn’t even have to be football, it could be anything you have a passion for. What matters is that you set a precedent for controlling the frame of any future relationship.

Self-love is not so great a sin as self-neglect. She serves at your pleasure. That’s not to say you’re a callous inconsiderate asshole, just that your sacrifice (which will never be appreciated in girl-world) for commitment demands that you be the primary partner. Consider the magnanimity of you choosing not to watch football in order to do something for/with her in the future after having put her and the cousin off in the past. If you had caved in and went to the B-Day, she would never realize the future importance of you putting off watching a game. She could never appreciate the significance of your passion if you demonstrate that it doesn’t mean that much to you in the first place.

A lot of men who find themselves in relationships where they feel unappreciated by their committed partner are often there because they simply lacked the balls to make their primacy real for her in the beginning. As the majority of men are optionless Betas it comes as no surprise that most will readily sell themselves out in the beginning to keep the peace and keep the pussy open. Only later do they discover that their early supplications are precisely the reason she lacks respect and loses the lust for him. Men think, “she’ll love me more because I’ll do anything for her” while women think “he’s spineless and weak because he’ll do anything for me.”

Demonstrate, do not Explicate

In the greater scope of things, women can never appreciate the sacrifices men make in order to satisfy women’s socio-sexual imperatives. However, Men do possess the capacity to impress upon women the importance of their purpose or passions. In fact, when done with the appropriate art and intensity, impressing this upon women can be a fantastic tool of Game to stimulate genuine interest as well as ‘gina tingles’. Competition anxiety is a powerful force in the sexual marketplace for women, but within the confines of an LTR this stress tends to subside into a relaxed comfort and familiarity which is the antithesis of the lust-fueled sexual urgency prompted by the imaginings of losing a high value man to another competitor in the hypergamic arms race. To counteract this future situation, what needs to be established early in an LTR is a man’s genuine passion for something other than her. From the 16 Commandments of Poon:

III. You shall make your mission, not your woman, your priority

Forget all those romantic cliches of the leading man proclaiming his undying love for the woman who completes him. Despite whatever protestations to the contrary, women do not want to be “The One” or the center of a man’s existence. They in fact want to subordinate themselves to a worthy man’s life purpose, to help him achieve that purpose with their feminine support, and to follow the path he lays out. You must respect a woman’s integrity and not lie to her that she is “your everything”. She is not your everything, and if she is, she will soon not be anymore.

Since women fundamentally lack an appreciation for a Man’s experience, convincing a woman of your purpose or passion requires breaking a few eggs. You cannot be afraid to let things get messy. Demonstrating this purpose to her, early in the relationship, and particularly at the risk of destroying the relationship, is the lynchpin to authoritatively defining the future frame of any relationship. This applies equally to both LTRs and/or nonexclusive plates you’re spinning.

When she enters your world, she has to experience it first hand for it to have any legitimacy for her. This requires that you demonstrate what it means to live, or be in love, with a Man who’s purpose is NOT dependent upon her. You cannot explain to a woman what things are like to be with you – it only resounds with a puffed up rationalism that she cannot relate to, and thus has NO legitimacy for her. You have to make it real for her; your passion, your purpose, you direction and vitality must become the ‘other woman’ in the relationship. If that amount to something as simple as putting her off to watch an NFL Playoff game, so be it. If it requires you to be on an extended deployment in the middle east, or if you can think of nothing else but climbing K2, so be it.

Once a woman understands the gravity and legitimacy of your purpose / passion, only then can she come to appreciate the significance of you foregoing or postponing the dictates of that purpose for her. She will never feel more important to you than when you (occasionally) lift her above that legitimate, verified purpose.

Women will never appreciate a relationship that is a Man’s greatest ambition. For a very gritty depiction of this watch the movie Blue Valentine.


  1. I only get creeped out when guys have to question what to do in these situations.

    It’s important to show women affection, but it’s in trade as payment for all the affection they’ve shown you leading up to that point. Going with her to a party isn’t showing affection, it’s showing that she’s ruling over you. Has she invited this cousin to her place for you to meet him, one-on-one? No? Then you have no reason to go to his party.

    The best ways to show affection are to do things totally randomly, with her and her alone. Doing group outings, even with family, just make the guy appear to be led on a short leash. Nix.

    If I’m dating a gal who is worthy of me meeting her inner circle, I want to meet them one at a time, not in big group settings. I tell women this when they invite me to their regular events. “Have I met this person? No? Well, schedule a cocktail night so I can pick at them personally to see if I ever want to see them again. I’m busy, and I even say no to my own family.”

    End of story.

  2. Real easy – here’s the problem:
    Been with my GF for 18 months now , tonight she tells me that we have a dinner with her family to celebrate her cousins B Day at a restaurant on Saturday.

    The immediate answer should have been ‘No’. She should have asked if he was free to attend a dinner, NOT tell him. His time is his own, not a blank check for her to use without asking.

  3. Really good post. It’s actually upsetting how many men believe that dropping everything for a woman will make her love them more.

  4. Girl I banged on NY Eve wanted to invite herself over to my place ahead of a big holiday I’m taking.

    I said I’d get back to her. I wrote back.

    My text: “Movies. Tomorrow or when I get back.”

    She replied apologetically that she had a class on that day and would make time when I got back….

    I didn’t reply.

    If someone doesn’t make an effort before a long holiday…they get bumped.

  5. I see so many men fall into that trap. The GF/wife tells them what is happening and he complies because he thinks he has to. I’ve seen friends of mine bail on weekend trips with the guys, concerts that the already bought tickets for, etc. because of the whim of a GF like this. Then I look at my dad, who NEVER let my mom do that and not only are they still married after almost 32 years, but he is definitely the leader in that relationship, no matter how hard my mom fights it. They bicker alot about plans and such (testing), but I can see that she is still very attracted to him.

  6. Teach the younger generation of men, and even some of your friends, that they have to hear the word “NEXT!” in their head whenever they interact with a woman’s demands or requests. Don’t be afraid to say “NEXT!” non-verbally, giving her the non-response when you do it.

  7. agreed. i have to wonder what other shit she’s dragged him into over the course of the 18 months.

  8. It’s the most powerful word a man can say inside of his head.

    I did it with a customer this week and just felt raw power. I’ve even used it with family members.

  9. It’s unbelievable that after dating for only 18 months, she’s already playing the role of the wife who sets her husbands social calendar.

  10. Reply to this girl’s reply of basically “I’ve got plans, see you when you get back”

    with “NEXT” ?

    Seems beta to even reply let alone something so dramatic.

  11. No, a guy should never actually verbalize “NEXT.” He should be prepared to do it with action alone.

    If a woman isn’t afraid of being replaced, you’re doing something very, very wrong. Even if you’ve been married for 20 years, there’s everything right with still getting positive attention from other women you come across when you’re with your spouse.

    The “NEXT!” is just what we say to ourselves, in our own heads. Follow through with it as necessary in action, but say it to yourself and mean it.

    Cogs in a machine, easily replaced.

  12. I played that game with my ex. She’d tell me we’re doing something on x day and I’d tell her she should have asked first as I’ve already got plans. This doesn’t solve the issue of when you don’t have plans though and you just don’t want to partake in whatever she has going on. That’s where setting the precedent first comes into play, that she needs your buy-in BEFORE planning things she wants you to attend.

  13. “How do I communicate “NEXT” non-verbally?”

    If she’s texting you, just go dead air on her. Let her wonder why you’re not contacting her back. Essentially it’s a form of aloof game that leans towards the extreme end of the spectrum of no-contact.

  14. “To counteract this future situation, what needs to be established early in an LTR is a man’s genuine passion for something other than her. ”

    It’s been interesting dealing with this battle with my current girlfriend. I shoot competitively, and was doing it before I ever met her. She’s been very adamant at times that she feels like I should spend less time doing that and more with her and her son. My response every time is essentially that I’m not changing what I do, and she’s free to move on if that’s a problem.

  15. Yours is an excellent example of women’s inability to appreciate the sacrifices a man must make in order to satisfy her imperative. Appreciation of the fact that she’s fortunate to be involved with a Man (and apparently a Game-aware man) who’s agreed to monogamy with her in spite of her single-mommyhood isn’t even an afterthought – your passion, interests, enjoyment, etc. are STILL, without consideration, subordinate to HER imperative.

  16. An above-average but still FC friend invited me out to wing last weekend. He was meeting up with a girl he had been vibing with since high school, but they had never been single at the same time.

    He played the game exactly like he had with great success in his youth- fulfilling a girl’s emotional imperative with ease.

    He didn’t hear her drop hints about who she was now- shopping at Bloomingdales, joking about finding a doctor or lawyer, marriage..

    Her imperative had changed from emotional/social to status/$$ and he was completely unaware. Poor guy was baffled why he didn’t get any.

  17. i think it’s likely that this wasn’t the first incident. 18 months is a fairly long time.

    i wonder if he’s still waiting for her to put out….

  18. “your passion, interests, enjoyment, etc. are STILL, without consideration, subordinate to HER imperative”

    And her assault on them is relentless…..

    Be carefull about how much ground you give as reclaiming it will be bloody…

  19. Give no ground whatsoever, you are giving away your self. It is you. Your passion drives you and sustains you. Never give it up.

    I told my story already in the post Compatibility. It helps if you are measurably successful.

  20. My wife asks for permission for just about everything. It’s not that she’s mentally weak or beaten down. It’s just our frame. I appreciate it and pay her back in ways SHE appreciates.

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