Iron Rule of Tomassi #1

Frame is everything. Always be aware of the subconscious balance of who’s frame in which you are operating. Always control the Frame, but resist giving the impression that you are. 

The concept of “frame” is yet another ephemeral idea that had need of a term in the very beginnings of the great masculine awakening that’s become the ‘community’. If memory serves I think it may have been Mystery who first picked up on what’s really a very rudimentary and well established psychological principle. In psych terms, frame is an often subconscious, mutually acknowledged personal narrative under which auspices people will be influenced. One’s capacity for personal decisions, choices for well-being, emotional investments, religious beliefs and political persuasions (amongst many others) are all influenced and biased by the psychological narrative ‘framework’ under which we are most apt to accept as normalcy.

The concept of frame covers a lot of aspects of our daily lives, some of which we’re painfully aware of, others we are not, but nonetheless we are passively influenced by frame. What concerns us in terms of inter-gender relations however is the way in which frame sets the environment, the ambience, and the ‘reality’ in which we relate with both the woman we sarge at a bar and the relationship with the woman we’ve lived with for 20 years. One important fact to consider, before I launch into too much detail, is to understand that frame is NOT power. The act of controlling the frame may be an exercise in power for some, but let me be clear from the start that the concept of frame is who’s ‘reality’ in which you choose to operate in relation to a woman. Both gender’s internalized concept of  frame is influenced by our individual acculturation, socialization, psychological conditioning, upbringing, education, etc., but be clear on this, you are either operating in your own frame or you’re operating in hers. Also understand that the balance of frame often shifts. Frame is fluid and will find its own level when a deficit or a surplus of will is applied to change it. The forces that influence that lack or boost of will is irrelevant – just know that the conditions of an operative framework will shift because of them.

Pre-LTR Frame
Often I’ll see forum posts lamenting some loss of frame – “Lost the frame, how do I get it back?” A lot of times guys believe that because a woman initially gave them IOIs or was ‘really into them’ in the beginning that they had ‘frame’. This is another unfortunate misconception about frame – and I partly blame the PUA culture for it – but frame is not interest level (IL). Simply because a woman is attracted to you does not mean she’s ready to ‘enter your reality’. Her entering your frame may become a byproduct of that attraction, but it by no means guarantees it. In truth, under today’s social environment, I would expect a woman to resist tooth and nail from rushing into a man’s frame. This is why women have psychologically evolved a subconscious propensity to shit test; to verify the legitimacy of a man’s frame.

Most Game incongruencies develop around a guy’s inability to establish frame and opting in to a woman’s frame. What’s ironic is that on a base level, we understand frame imbalances instinctually. If you feel like you’re being led on, or being made to wait for sex, you’re operating in her frame. Are you in the ‘friend-zone’ or did you accept an LJBF rejection? You’re in her frame.

Ideally, you want a woman to enter your reality. Her genuine (unnegotiated) desire for you hinges upon you covertly establishing this narrative for her. Famous men, men with conspicuous affluence and status, and men with overwhelming social proof have very little difficulty in establishing frame – they can’t help but establish frame in a very overt fashion. A woman already wants to enter that world. She want’s an easy association with a man who’s unquestionably a proven commodity and offers her hypergamy not just a actualized fantasy, but also a high degree of personal affirmation in being the one a Man of this grandeur would choose above other women.

Unfortunately, you and I are not this Man, he’s a feminine idealization. However it’s important to understand how hypergamy plays into establishing frame. The Man who impassively accepts women’s hypergamous natures has a much easier time establishing frame from the outset. You or I may not be that be that famous guy with an automatic, overt frame control, but we can be by order of degrees depending upon our personal conditions and the conditions of the women with whom we choose to associate. The default pedestalization of women that men are prone to is a direct result of accepting that a woman’s frame is the only frame. It’s kind of hard for most ‘plugged in’ men to grasp that they can and should exert frame control in order to establish a healthy future relationship. This is hardly a surprise considering that every facet of their social understanding about gender frame has always defaulted to the feminine for the better part of their lifetimes. Whether that was conditioned into them by popular media or seeing it played out by their beta fathers, for most men in western culture, the feminine reality IS the normalized frame work. In order to establish a healthy male-frame, the first step is to rid themselves of the preconception that women control frame by default. They don’t, and honestly, they don’t want to.

Post LTR Frame
In most contemporary marriages and LTR arrangements, women tend to be the de facto authority. Men seek their wive’s “permission” to attempt even the most mundane activities they’d do without an afterthought while single. I have married friends tell me how ‘fortunate’ they are to be married to such an understanding wife that she’d “allow” him to watch hockey on their guest bedroom TV,…occasionally.

These are just a couple of gratuitous examples of men who entered into marriage with the frame firmly in control of their wives. They live in her reality, because anything can become normal. What these men failed to realize is that frame, like power, abhors a vacuum.  In the absence of the frame security a woman naturally seeks from a masculine male, this security need forces her to provide that security for herself. Thus we have the commonality of cuckold and submissive men in westernized culture, while women do the bills, earn the money, make the decisions, authorize their husband’s actions and deliver punishments. The woman is seeking the security that the man she pair-bonded with cannot or will not provide.

It is vital to the health of any LTR that a man establish his frame as the basis of their living together before any formal commitment is recognized. As I stated in the beginning, frame will be fluid and conditions will influence the balance, but the overall theme of your relationship needs to be led and molded by you. Even very influential, professional, intellectualizing women still crave the right man to establish his frame in her life. They may fight it bitterly, but ultimately it’s what will make for the best healthy balance she can achieve. There’s a growing undercurrent of mid-life women questioning and regretting their past decisions to remain single into spinsterhood. And for all their late game rationalizations, the one thing they still simply refuse to accept is acknowledging that a man’s frame, the frame their “fierce independence” wouldn’t allow for, was exactly the salve their egos so desperately wants now later in life.

Gentlemen, you will establish frame in any monogamous relationship you have. You will enter her reality or she will enter yours.

About Rollo Tomassi

Author of The Rational Male and The Rational Male, Preventive Medicine View all posts by Rollo Tomassi

56 responses to “Frame

  • (r)Evoluzione

    Excellent. Frame is the bedrock of a life well-lived. In engineering, a solid, unbending, totally unshakable frame is constructed when accurate, precise, and repeatable measurements need to be taken, or used to manufacture something with tight tolerances. It is the frame of reference–the basis for measurement to which everything in its purview must be held accountable.

    Frame goes beyond sexuality and relationships, it’s a crucial ingredient in developing who we are. Frame dovetails with the concept of “state,” as in state of mind. Perhaps you can elucidate the ways in which frame and state interact. My sense is that frame and state are to each other what strategy and tactics are in military matters. Strategy, that’s the big-picture stuff, the overall objective of a military division on the larger theatre of battle. Tactics are what happens on the individual battlefield, in the house-to-house fighting. Thus frame is the big-picture outlook on life, and one’s strategic attitude towards it. State, then are the moment-to-moment application of that strategy, the tactics in the moment that allow you to maintain frame. That’s my 0.02, I’d love to hear more from you.

    Practically and pragmatically, many people benefit from techniques to establish, maintain, and pump up the frame and state are essential, they combat the stinky beta-bait of entering a woman’s frame, or any frame of reference in business or life that does not serve the individual’s needs.

    So I’m very interested in any frame-management tools you might be willing to share with your readers. One of my favorites, it’s super simple, is to stand in alone, naked in the bathroom, with a huge erection, and cultivate that air of quiet, unshakable strength, power, energy. Then I tap on a spot, usually my sternum, to kinaesthetically remember what that’s like. Then in a social situation, I’ll tap on the sternum to recall that state.

  • Framing

    Also interested in techniques to achieve an ideal frame in both of the scenarios discussed in the post.

  • Y

    One of the best practical tools for establishing your frame is REAL standards and qualifications.

    Then communicating those to people (or women specifically) and mentally noting or explicitly stating whether they live up to those.

    As I said, they have to be real because, faking it is not very effective at all (Can you cook? Are you adventurous? etc.)

  • dc1000

    as one of my prior girls said to me, “oh i know, its the dc1000 show on every channel, all the time”

    every decision, every action was done through my lens of what i needed. and if she wanted to participate, she was more than happy to…

    i’ve been able to maintain the dc1000 show all the time on all channels for a while now, its pretty grand.

    i learned frame in just the way you described first, from mystery and then onwards.

  • houseofjacques

    Is having the Frame the same as ‘having hand’?

  • xsplat

    Hand is a strategic advantage of power. Frame is that you define how the issues are talked about.

    You can think of politics. Hand is having an army. Frame is the propaganda wing of the government and a media that is sympathetic to the government spin.

  • walawala

    Any examples of maintaining frame?

  • petesgamethoughts

    If you want to get more into framing: Study NLP.

  • driveallnight

    Refusing to marry allows a man to easily maintain frame.

  • B. Dynamics « the professor

    […] Relationship frame – […]

  • Mister Softee «

    […] into his home, but the bright side of this arrangement is that Floyd has learned the importance of maintaining Frame with her. Maintaining Frame with Ann isn’t too difficult for him as she’s about a point […]

  • Engineering Bandicoot

    Wow, you are a very good writer Rollo, I’m having a hard time understanding some of these Red Pill concepts, but I’m learning. Can’t wait till you release a book, it’d make it easy for me to share Red-Pill info with my younger brothers. There’s so much to read, so many sites, they are mind boggling goldmines filled with nuggets of life’s wisdom.

  • The Plan |

    […] reason that Frame is the first Iron Rule of Tomassi is that it relies so much upon a man having such a concrete plan that he will exclude others, even […]

  • Wife moving back in after 3+ year separation - Page 12

    […] This type of communication doesn't work. It makes things worse. Again, you are trying to negotiate feelings and attraction, and that doesn't work. Try something different, what you are doing is not working. Are you familiar with the concept of 'frame'? You need to develop the mindset that this is your life that she is participating in (if she meets your standards), and not the other way around. Frame | […]

  • Nursing Power |

    […] has in personal dynamics, and I certainly recognize, if sometimes indirectly, the power dynamic in Frame, Dread, and certainly in The Feminine […]

  • Financial Frame | The Reinvention of Man

    […] was thinking about the frame the relationship was in.  Because of her stated reasons for ending the relationship were primarily […]

  • OnTheFidele

    Rock Solid Frame = Charisma

    In other words, real conviction lived without compromise.

  • Beta Fucks |

    […] submission. Dread Game, both overt and soft dread, might cut through that familiarity. Strong Frame control is the lynchpin to a good relationship, ensuring that your SMV is above that of your wife […]

  • Dean Alexander

    Just discovered your writings by being directed here via Krausers blog by your good self. Finding it all a bit overwhelming at the moment. Thank you.

  • Know Your Role | dcllive

    […] word ‘Frame‘ comes up a lot in Game and red pill literature. Understanding your role, as a man, within a […]

  • Forget “The List” | notesfromaredpillgirl

    […] Because it’s how a woman figure out his “frame” and what stepping into his world would look like. That is a woman’s choice, to step […]

  • BEHIND THE SCENES…. | In The Association of Chronos

    […] woman to do anything you please. Some will even extend that submissiveness pass the bedroom if you maintain your frame. But don’t assume that it will be like that with your suppose dream girl. She can’t get […]

  • KNOW YOUR ROLE | In The Association of Chronos

    […] of sex, commitment, family, and friends. To add more layers to that, if you are not about to keep the frame  while at the same time maintaining the reality that we as men create for them then, you had simply […]

  • Separating Values |

    […] I assumed Dave was attempting to establish Frame, and maybe in a Beta way he was, but in doing so Dave is negotiating desire – his own desire, and […]

  • 20 Questions |

    […] and maintaining your options is your best insurance against ONEitis, which in turn makes for a healthier frame of monogamy for a man later if that’s what you choose to do. No contact is easy when […]

  • Willpower - The Man The Myth

    […] drawing personal boundaries, building good habits and maintaining your frame with other people.2 Some simple examples would be it becomes harder and harder to walk by a plate full of cookies […]

  • The Myth of the ‘Good’ Guy |

    […] is first for himself, the man who prepares and provisions for himself, the man who maintains Frame to the point of arrogance because that’s who he is and what he genuinely merits. There is […]

  • Alpha Tells |

    […] emphasized the importance of establishing and maintaining Frame for years now, but I sometimes wonder if the importance of holding Frame isn’t lost on most […]

  • Beta Tells |

    […] a Beta mindset is imperative to avoiding the common pitfalls men encounter with regard to issues of Frame in their […]

  • Mental Point of Origin |

    […] Your mental point of origin is really your own internalized understanding about how you yourself fit into your own understanding of Frame. […]

  • Boundaries |

    […] precious little that’s more effective at reestablishing Frame for a man than the demonstration of higher value walking away from a woman’s accepted […]

  • Mutiny |

    […] always stressed that the Frame in which you begin a relationship will set the overall tone of that relationship. That’s not […]

  • Dumb Pollock

    If I understand it right, a frame is about creating the ground rules for interactions that fits my personality and needs? If i do that then the others have a choice to play by my rules or not?

  • “She turned on me” |

    […] important that he lives in his own Frame and that any woman, wife or otherwise, participates in his Frame at his pleasure. Beta men rarely […]

  • bear

    Probably the most important point to remember in a relationship. Recently a guy in my church came up to my wife and asked my wife if she had given me permission to go to some upcoming mens retreat. My wife looked at at him and said – “no , he never asks me a bout these things he just tells me he’s going”. The guy responded ” I figured as much”. Needless to say my relationship can be rocky at times but I never worry my wife is going to cheat on me or leave me. She knows her options are limited when it comes to men who will be stronger than me

  • The Isolationists |

    […] will want to be associated with. I always stress the importance of Frame control – it’s the first Iron Rule of Tomassi – but this presupposes you have command of that frame to begin with. She enters your reality, you […]

  • Admiration & Respect |

    […] I mention in Frame, the dominant frame you establish and enter into a relationship with sets the tone for that […]

  • Building Better Worlds |

    […] Iron Rule of Tomassi #1 […]

  • The Red Pill Parent |

    […] important to bear in mind that when you set the Frame of your relationship, whether it’s a first night lay or a marriage prospect, women enter your […]

  • Hypergamy Knows Best |

    […] the most basic Red Pill principles I’ve stressed since I began writing is the importance of Frame. The dynamic of Frame stretches into many aspects of a man’s life, but in a strictly […]

  • Marik

    I am quite interested in your blog, as I have two sons and want to ensure they don’t get to pussified by all the social pressures.

    I think I am one of the 1-2%. My frame is the frame. I’ve been married 10 years and my wife constantly asks why I picked her. Becuase I think she was a hot piece of ass. And she feels the same.

    Being attractive and physically fit, intellectual, and confident are big. I’ve been blessed with being attractive, and the brains to understand its value, which has helped to give me the confidence to live in my frame, IMO.

  • Never Take a Woman Fishing |

    […] leads us back, once again, to establishing and maintaining a positive, dominant and individualistic Frame with a woman. She must want to enter your reality for it to be a genuine desire on her part – […]

  • Yollo Comanche

    This is probably the most practically useful post I’ve ever read fro you behind “Your friend, menstruation”.

  • Always Default to Game |

    […] your Game actions. Not just this, you even need to be at least peripherally conscious of how your Frame control, Command Presence, Amused Mastery, etc. will impact non-intimate women’s […]

  • Don’t Hate the Beta |

    […] all that. There’s nothing wrong with this desire, this is precisely what I advise with regards to Frame control, but the disconnect comes in how men go about establishing a Frame women want to be a part […]

  • Open Relationships |

    […] fact this is the primary distinction in non-exclusivity; who’s Frame is the predominant one? In a woman’s ‘poly’ Frame there is a retainership implied […]

  • Ovulation & Dread |

    […] that opportunity for what it is – a chance to restate whose Frame she’s chosen to be a part of. She wants to merit your value. Take that effort away from her […]

  • Frame Control - The Last Reich

    […] from the early days of PUA.  Rollo Tomassi performs an excellent introductory analysis of it here and I’d highly encourage you to read for a general guide to what Frame is and how to use […]

  • Blue Pill Frame |

    […] “Success” is a relative term, but I intentionally began the Iron Rules of Tomassi with Frame because an understanding of this principle applies to so many different arenas in a man’s […]

  • Fridge clean test | the wolf awakens

    […] a little (or big ) change in your attitude and maintaining frame and no supplication or excuses and no im sorry! I repeat NO APPOLOGIES! And the outcome was better […]

  • For Better or Worse |

    […] this would be her own ideal relationship, albeit from the perspective of a woman retaining total Frame […]

Speak your mind

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: