Wait for it?

Iron Rule of Tomassi #3

Any woman who makes you wait for sex, or by her actions implies she is making you wait for sex; the sex is NEVER worth the wait.

When a woman makes you wait for sex you are not her highest priority. Sexuality is spontaneous chemical reaction between two parties, not a process of negotiation. It’s sex first, then relationship, not the other way around. A woman who wants to fuck you will find a way to fuck you. She will fly across the country, crawl under barbwire, climb in through your second story bedroom window, fuck the shit out of you and wait patiently inside your closet if your wife comes home early from work – women who want to fuck will find a way to fuck. The girl who tells you she needs to be comfortable and wants a relationship first is the same girl who fucked the hot guy in the foam cannon party in Cancun on spring break just half an hour after meeting him.

If a girl is that into you she’ll have sex with you regardless of ASD or having her friends in the room videotaping it at a frat party. All women can be sluts, you just have to be the right guy to bring it out in them, and this happens before you go back to her place. If you have to plead your case cuddling and spooning on the bed or getting the occasional peck on the cheek at the end of the night, you need to go back to square one and start fresh.

I’m probably going to ruffle a few PUA feathers here, but I’ve never been a proponent of breaking down LMR (last minute resistance) with a woman. Maybe it’s a result of experiences in my rock star 20’s, but at some point I came to the conclusion that sex with a woman who’s turned on by me is always a far better than one where I had to sell her on the idea of sex with me before the act. Now don’t take this to the binary extreme and assume I mean the only good sex you’ll ever have is a first night lay (FNL) with some tart who can’t keep her legs closed. What I mean is that if you’re still trying to figure out what the magic words are to convince some girl that she ought fuck you after 3 dates – or longer – you’re in desire negotiation hearings counselor. You are wasting your time and limiting your opportunity with better prospective women in waiting out a woman who would defer less than 100% of her real desire to have sex with you. The sex will NEVER be worth the wait. A prostitute would be a better alternative.

Genuine desire cannot be negotiated. Once you get past a certain point in the waiting game, what once had the chance to be an organic, sexual desire becomes mitigated negotiation of a physical act. Just the fact that you’re having to make a case for yourself (even covertly) is evidence that there are other factors inhibiting her capacity to be sexual with you. As I stated, barring a physical inability, this is almost always because of an unmentioned agenda on her part. It may be due to a concurrent boyfriend, it may be a natural internal caution, it may be that your process is telegraphing ‘beta’ to her, or it may be that she’s filibustering you while waiting to see if another, more preferable guy pans out for her, however, none of these are insurmountable if she has a genuine desire to bang you. Many a cheated on boyfriend knows this is true. In any circumstance, sex with you is not an urgency for her. If  she’s perceiving your value as as high as it should be, she wont hesitate longer than a few dates to become sexual – and she certainly wont tell you she’s making you wait. Hypergamy doesn’t afford a woman much waiting time with a Man she sees as superior stock.

One of the more frustrating situations I often encounter comes from guys who’ve been OVERTLY told that they’re being made to wait for sex until some circumstance or criteria is met for the woman. The standard filibuster (or loss-leader as the case may be) usually comes with the reasoning that she “needs to feel comfortable” before she has sex with a guy. Even more distressing is the guy who was getting laid, only to be told the same thing by an existing girlfriend. If you find yourself in either of these situation there are a couple of things to bear in mind.

First and foremost, sex, by it’s nature is uncomfortable. Sex that is motivated by mutual, genuine desire is a tense affair, fueled by testosterone, anxiety and urgency. When two people get together for a first dance ( a precursor to copulation), it’s rarely if ever an intimate slow dance. It’s salsa, it’s grinding, it’s pumping, it’s heat and it’s sweat. What it’s not is comforting and familiar. It’s not a nice warm bathrobe fresh out of the dryer. Don’t take this the wrong way, but sex is threatening. It needs to be, and you need to be considered a sexualized player in her personal sphere. Overtly agreeing to wait for her to become sexual is anti-seductive. It confirms for her that you aren’t a sexualized player to her; an Alpha wouldn’t wait for sex and she knows this. Worse still, it devalues her SMV as being worth less than of your utmost urgency.

Secondly, always remember why women resort to OVERT communications (the language of men) – so there is no, or less, margin that her message will be misunderstood. If a woman, point blank says, “I’m not having sex with you until X,Y, and Z happens”, what is her MEDIUM telling you? That there is a precondition that’s more important to her than fucking you with genuine, uncontrollable passion. You want her to be so into you that she’s willing to break the rules. The ideal situation is for her genuine passion to be so uncontrollable for you that she’d renounce her religion and throw her convictions to the wind to be with you. That might seem a bit dramatic, but you get the idea. The good news now is that she’s being overt, which means she’s exhausted her reserves to be covert and, assuming you’re not so desperate as to delude yourself, you can NEXT her and move on.

Rapport ≠ Comfort

A lot of “waiters” find all that a tough road to hoe. They want to stick it out and see if things “might develop”, and NEXTing their ‘waiting girl’ seems a lot like throwing the baby out with the bath water after all the time they’ve invested in building what they think is rapport. Usually this is due to the guy not spinning (enough) other plates that would bear more fruit. However, keep this in mind; waiting for sex isn’t building rapport. There’s a lot of confusion about rapport, most of which is due to well meaning PUAs conflating rapport with comfort. It’s a pretty esoteric term, but rapport is a connection; it’s an implied trust between two acting agents who previously had never met or only have limited knowledge of each other. You can have rapport with an animal – that’s the connection, it’s instinctual.

Comfort comes from familiarity and predictability; all decidedly anti-seductive influences. And while comfort has it’s own merits in interpersonal relationships, it is not the basis for genuine, passionate sexual desire. For people (myself included) involved in a marriage or LTR, it’s serves our long-term best interest to convince ourselves that sex is better when your comfortable with your partner, however, the reality of it sings a different tune. Here’s an easy illustration: As reported by both men and women alike, which of these circumstances provokes the most intense, memorable sexual experiences ? When a couple plans and arranges a romantic “date night” to ‘keep it fresh’ and reconnect? Or is it the ‘make-up sex’ after a horrible breakup, or narrowly averted breakup, where long dormant competition anxiety is brought back into being a very real possibility again? If you said the breakup, you’re correct! One scenario is comfortable, the other uncomfortable. One has the element of predictable certainty, the other is chaotic and uncertain, however in both situations there is definitely a working mutually connective rapport operating.

Published by Rollo Tomassi

Author of The Rational Male and The Rational Male, Preventive Medicine

138 comments on “Wait for it?

  1. > When a woman makes you wait for sex you are not her highest priority.

    THIS ^^.

    is the thing AFCs who don’t “get it” fail to realize, in their desperate cravings to salvage something from their sunk costs.

    > You want her to be so into you that she’s willing to break the rules.

    And Rollo, it’s sooo true that a woman who is aroused to the point of passion will move heaven and earth to have sex. They’ll risk punishments, even death, to achieve that moment of passion (and millions of romance novels testify to just how much women crave that moment of conquest)

    Here is an article that kind of blew my perceptions away. As to what a woman will do when she is swept away, surrendering to passion

    It describes how the then-girlfriend of uber-bad-boy Charlie Sheen reacted when they found out he had HIV.


    Would a woman go to the doctor about whether she could continue to go bareback with an HIV-positive guy if said male was Beta Bob, her provider? Would she take PrEP anti-infective treatment for for said Bob? Would her subconscious hardwiring start to identify an alternate provider to branch swing to, given that the lifespan and providership potential of said Bob was potentially very short?

  2. This is true. If she doesn’t put out by date three, you’re not on the top of her priority list. Her priority may instead be her sense of self worth, the pursuit for an intimate and exclusive relationship, etc. that doesn’t mean the sex will at all be sub par or that she doesn’t masterbate to you the minute she gets home from your date.

  3. Believe it or not, some people are able to sublimate their sexual desires to a moral standard. It is one of the significant differences between sentient man and non-sentient animals. If this rule is a guiding principle for you, expect vd/aids (Ala Charlie Sheen) and always having your girl, wife, whatever, cheating on you. If none of that nor your future bothers you then by all means, enjoy having relationships with nothing but whore-sluts.

  4. This is the worst BS ever. I’m a self-respecting female and I don’t want to have to hook up with a guy before I’m ready. This type of nonsense is how stds get spread and I’m so sick of this “hoe is life” mentality. You little boys need to grow up and stop valuing women who sleep around more than women who control their desires.

  5. I ended up waiting for my first girlfriend to give the lights up. We were sleeping in the same bed and I told her that if she gets on top of me, I will fuck her. So for like 4 days, we were just messing around in the bed and she finally got on top of me, and I decided to not fuck her. I think I made her a bit anxious, but the day after it was amazing. However now I have been in 2 real relationships, the last one broke me quite hard as I compromised myself and found out about this site only after this had happened and I am now passionate about being an Alpha. You say that I should move on immediately from girls if they set these requirements for sex, how to avoid them?

  6. I could have sworn I left a reply on this page. And to a guy named Sven too. But He hadn’t said what he did here…..

  7. I ‘waited’ for a girl 10 years. And got nothing. (it was a pairs sport partner). Wrong choice, there were other real opportunities to catch. If it’s not happening, quit it.

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