Wait for it?

Iron Rule of Tomassi #3

Any woman who makes you wait for sex, or by her actions implies she is making you wait for sex; the sex is NEVER worth the wait.

When a woman makes you wait for sex you are not her highest priority. Sexuality is spontaneous chemical reaction between two parties, not a process of negotiation. It’s sex first, then relationship, not the other way around. A woman who wants to fuck you will find a way to fuck you. She will fly across the country, crawl under barbwire, climb in through your second story bedroom window, fuck the shit out of you and wait patiently inside your closet if your wife comes home early from work – women who want to fuck will find a way to fuck. The girl who tells you she needs to be comfortable and wants a relationship first is the same girl who fucked the hot guy in the foam cannon party in Cancun on spring break just half an hour after meeting him.

If a girl is that into you she’ll have sex with you regardless of ASD or having her friends in the room videotaping it at a frat party. All women can be sluts, you just have to be the right guy to bring it out in them, and this happens before you go back to her place. If you have to plead your case cuddling and spooning on the bed or getting the occasional peck on the cheek at the end of the night, you need to go back to square one and start fresh.

I’m probably going to ruffle a few PUA feathers here, but I’ve never been a proponent of breaking down LMR (last minute resistance) with a woman. Maybe it’s a result of experiences in my rock star 20’s, but at some point I came to the conclusion that sex with a woman who’s turned on by me is always a far better than one where I had to sell her on the idea of sex with me before the act. Now don’t take this to the binary extreme and assume I mean the only good sex you’ll ever have is a first night lay (FNL) with some tart who can’t keep her legs closed. What I mean is that if you’re still trying to figure out what the magic words are to convince some girl that she ought fuck you after 3 dates – or longer – you’re in desire negotiation hearings counselor. You are wasting your time and limiting your opportunity with better prospective women in waiting out a woman who would defer less than 100% of her real desire to have sex with you. The sex will NEVER be worth the wait. A prostitute would be a better alternative.

Genuine desire cannot be negotiated. Once you get past a certain point in the waiting game, what once had the chance to be an organic, sexual desire becomes mitigated negotiation of a physical act. Just the fact that you’re having to make a case for yourself (even covertly) is evidence that there are other factors inhibiting her capacity to be sexual with you. As I stated, barring a physical inability, this is almost always because of an unmentioned agenda on her part. It may be due to a concurrent boyfriend, it may be a natural internal caution, it may be that your process is telegraphing ‘beta’ to her, or it may be that she’s filibustering you while waiting to see if another, more preferable guy pans out for her, however, none of these are insurmountable if she has a genuine desire to bang you. Many a cheated on boyfriend knows this is true. In any circumstance, sex with you is not an urgency for her. If  she’s perceiving your value as as high as it should be, she wont hesitate longer than a few dates to become sexual – and she certainly wont tell you she’s making you wait. Hypergamy doesn’t afford a woman much waiting time with a Man she sees as superior stock.

One of the more frustrating situations I often encounter comes from guys who’ve been OVERTLY told that they’re being made to wait for sex until some circumstance or criteria is met for the woman. The standard filibuster (or loss-leader as the case may be) usually comes with the reasoning that she “needs to feel comfortable” before she has sex with a guy. Even more distressing is the guy who was getting laid, only to be told the same thing by an existing girlfriend. If you find yourself in either of these situation there are a couple of things to bear in mind.

First and foremost, sex, by it’s nature is uncomfortable. Sex that is motivated by mutual, genuine desire is a tense affair, fueled by testosterone, anxiety and urgency. When two people get together for a first dance ( a precursor to copulation), it’s rarely if ever an intimate slow dance. It’s salsa, it’s grinding, it’s pumping, it’s heat and it’s sweat. What it’s not is comforting and familiar. It’s not a nice warm bathrobe fresh out of the dryer. Don’t take this the wrong way, but sex is threatening. It needs to be, and you need to be considered a sexualized player in her personal sphere. Overtly agreeing to wait for her to become sexual is anti-seductive. It confirms for her that you aren’t a sexualized player to her; an Alpha wouldn’t wait for sex and she knows this. Worse still, it devalues her SMV as being worth less than of your utmost urgency.

Secondly, always remember why women resort to OVERT communications (the language of men) – so there is no, or less, margin that her message will be misunderstood. If a woman, point blank says, “I’m not having sex with you until X,Y, and Z happens”, what is her MEDIUM telling you? That there is a precondition that’s more important to her than fucking you with genuine, uncontrollable passion. You want her to be so into you that she’s willing to break the rules. The ideal situation is for her genuine passion to be so uncontrollable for you that she’d renounce her religion and throw her convictions to the wind to be with you. That might seem a bit dramatic, but you get the idea. The good news now is that she’s being overt, which means she’s exhausted her reserves to be covert and, assuming you’re not so desperate as to delude yourself, you can NEXT her and move on.

Rapport ≠ Comfort

A lot of “waiters” find all that a tough road to hoe. They want to stick it out and see if things “might develop”, and NEXTing their ‘waiting girl’ seems a lot like throwing the baby out with the bath water after all the time they’ve invested in building what they think is rapport. Usually this is due to the guy not spinning (enough) other plates that would bear more fruit. However, keep this in mind; waiting for sex isn’t building rapport. There’s a lot of confusion about rapport, most of which is due to well meaning PUAs conflating rapport with comfort. It’s a pretty esoteric term, but rapport is a connection; it’s an implied trust between two acting agents who previously had never met or only have limited knowledge of each other. You can have rapport with an animal – that’s the connection, it’s instinctual.

Comfort comes from familiarity and predictability; all decidedly anti-seductive influences. And while comfort has it’s own merits in interpersonal relationships, it is not the basis for genuine, passionate sexual desire. For people (myself included) involved in a marriage or LTR, it’s serves our long-term best interest to convince ourselves that sex is better when your comfortable with your partner, however, the reality of it sings a different tune. Here’s an easy illustration: As reported by both men and women alike, which of these circumstances provokes the most intense, memorable sexual experiences ? When a couple plans and arranges a romantic “date night” to ‘keep it fresh’ and reconnect? Or is it the ‘make-up sex’ after a horrible breakup, or narrowly averted breakup, where long dormant competition anxiety is brought back into being a very real possibility again? If you said the breakup, you’re correct! One scenario is comfortable, the other uncomfortable. One has the element of predictable certainty, the other is chaotic and uncertain, however in both situations there is definitely a working mutually connective rapport operating.

Published by Rollo Tomassi

Author of The Rational Male and The Rational Male, Preventive Medicine

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Captain J
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Captain J
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@ Glenn & Rollo: thank you both SO MUCH for your help and advice, which I truly found quite brilliant. I really appreciate both of you taking the time to give me some advice and pointers, and good advice at that. Unfortunately, knowing the right thing to do, and actually doing it, are sometimes separate and distinct things, and of course, I fucked up. In hindsight, I wished I had heeded your advice, but my beta-ness took over, blinded by the possibility of milfy latina vajayjay, and already painfully starved from intercourse and affection of any sort. So what did… Read more »

Captain J
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Also….fuck I wish I had read Iron Rule #9 more attentively before sending her that reconciliation text…damn.

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[…] when I first published Wait For It? (it was actually based on a much older post I did on SoSuave) I took a lot of shit for suggesting […]

Drastic
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Drastic
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Neecy. The primary rule of sexual strategy is that for one genders sexual strategy to work the other must forfeit thier own. I took this as getting the best out of the opposite sex. Of course he doesn’t teach that to his daughter, he will teach her to get the best out of men she possibly can. As this is a blog meant to help men, he describes how men will get the best out of women they can. If a woman is not having sex with you within three dates, she will likely use sex as a bargaining tool… Read more »

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[…] Si te quieren hacer esperar por el sexo, no vale la pena […]

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[…] Iron Rule of Tomassi #3 […]

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[…] you’re feeling nostalgic you can skim through the comments of posts like Wait For It? or The […]

Isla
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Isla
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the woman you’re describing who has no standards in how she’s courted and who would hide in a closet to have sex with you is low status. the real difference between a girl who is cautious with who she shares herself with, and a girl who gives in to urges easily (non-discriminating) is simply self-respect. who would you rather?

daniel dowling
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How completely disempowering. If sexuality is a spontaneous chemical reaction that you have no control over, indeed you are doomed. Not once does the “rational male” in this article speak about accountability, virtue, or the future. Yikes. Maybe this site could be called the impatientpenis.com.

cheupez
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cheupez
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“How completely disempowering. If sexuality is a spontaneous chemical reaction that you have no control over, indeed you are doomed. Not once does the “rational male” in this article speak about accountability, virtue, or the future. Yikes. Maybe this site could be called the impatientpenis.com.” You are a nice person. It is clear from your use of wise words like accountability, virtue and future. Continue “empowering” yourself. But your girlfriend will still yikes you in good time. No one is forcing you to see that sexual desire is a chemical state. You do not argue against reality with a belief.… Read more »

Jenniflower
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Jenniflower
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Some good stuff here, but I have to say that the #1 reason I didn’t have sex right away with a guy I was really into was BECAUSE I was really into him. And for that reason, I didn’t want him to think I’m “some tart who can’t keep her legs closed”. Plus I disagree about sex not being worth the wait. When you establish emotional intimacy before being sexually intimate, when you finally get down, the sex is much better because trust has already been established. You can be totally in the moment, you’re not wondering if he approves… Read more »

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[…] del relato cuando nos sucede. Si sentis como que te estan liderando o que te están haciendo esperar por sexo, es porque estas actuando bajo su relato. ¿Te sentis en ‘Amigolandia’ o aceptaste los […]

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hemant
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hemant
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Good article…having to read it again later because lots of important points there.
Still astounds me how many ladies like “to be comfortable” in order to fuck….and now i know why….she getting penis from other sources so why bang me?
Just wish we were all a bit sluttier smile

Roberto Fiad
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What many feminists really fear is that men will emigrate to countries where prostitution is legal. Half of the world’s countries either have legalized it or simply tolerate it. One of them is English-speaking New Zealand. Closer to home you have Mexico, most of Central America, Colombia, Venezuela, probably Brazil, and Ecuador. You have countries in Eastern and Central Europe where it’s legal.

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[…] Those are the guys who feel the sting the most when they see a woman at her feral best fuck the hot guy she met the same night who made a significant emotional impression on her. The guy who invested his interests in himself […]

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[…] Iron Rule of Tomassi #3 […]

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eghost247
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eghost247
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Reblogged this on eghost247.

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[…] used. If it’s a facade – it’s normal and expected. But if a girl deliberately makes you wait for sex that means she’s not that into you but at the moment she doesn’t have better options. […]

Bernadette
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Bernadette
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When a woman makes you wait for sex you are not her highest priority. One’s highest priority during the beginning of a date/potential relationship should always be oneself. This goes for men and women alike. If a guy does something that raises a red flag during the first few dates (maybe he shows himself to be a racist, or is incredibly rude to cashiers/waiters, or is extremely religious) I can next him. However, I can’t next myself if I forgo my own likes/dislikes simply to pedestalize a dude I’ve only known for less than a day. Always take care of… Read more »

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[…] Iron Rule of Tomassi #3 – “Any woman who makes you wait for sex, or by her actions implies she is making you wait for sex; the sex is NEVER worth the wait.” […]

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[…] writers have a lot more in common than they have apart, but things blew up because philosophically Rollo took issue with Kitten’s suggestion that women should make men wait for […]

Tom
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Tom
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> When a woman makes you wait for sex you are not her highest priority. THIS ^^. is the thing AFCs who don’t “get it” fail to realize, in their desperate cravings to salvage something from their sunk costs. > You want her to be so into you that she’s willing to break the rules. And Rollo, it’s sooo true that a woman who is aroused to the point of passion will move heaven and earth to have sex. They’ll risk punishments, even death, to achieve that moment of passion (and millions of romance novels testify to just how much… Read more »

Flaca
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Flaca
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This is true. If she doesn’t put out by date three, you’re not on the top of her priority list. Her priority may instead be her sense of self worth, the pursuit for an intimate and exclusive relationship, etc. that doesn’t mean the sex will at all be sub par or that she doesn’t masterbate to you the minute she gets home from your date.

Mdragin
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Mdragin
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Believe it or not, some people are able to sublimate their sexual desires to a moral standard. It is one of the significant differences between sentient man and non-sentient animals. If this rule is a guiding principle for you, expect vd/aids (Ala Charlie Sheen) and always having your girl, wife, whatever, cheating on you. If none of that nor your future bothers you then by all means, enjoy having relationships with nothing but whore-sluts.

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[…] or by presenting themselves as boyfriend material. And boyfriends don’t get sex until “it’s time“. So do not come up with romantic stories or chivalrous […]

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[…] he’s ever asked has said she needed to be comfortable with a guy before she has sex with him (false). Comfort, rapport, familiarity (all of which are anti-seductive) should be where the sex begins to […]

Brook Taylor
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Brook Taylor
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This is the worst BS ever. I’m a self-respecting female and I don’t want to have to hook up with a guy before I’m ready. This type of nonsense is how stds get spread and I’m so sick of this “hoe is life” mentality. You little boys need to grow up and stop valuing women who sleep around more than women who control their desires.

Sven
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Sven
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I ended up waiting for my first girlfriend to give the lights up. We were sleeping in the same bed and I told her that if she gets on top of me, I will fuck her. So for like 4 days, we were just messing around in the bed and she finally got on top of me, and I decided to not fuck her. I think I made her a bit anxious, but the day after it was amazing. However now I have been in 2 real relationships, the last one broke me quite hard as I compromised myself and… Read more »

Sven
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Sven
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Ohh the relationship ended ages ago. Just reading this article made me think about it.

Yollo Comanche
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Yollo Comanche
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I could have sworn I left a reply on this page. And to a guy named Sven too. But He hadn’t said what he did here…..

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