Rejection is better than Regret.

Sifting through some of my past posts on the SoSuave forum it hit me; over 90% of what I advocate there can be reduced to overcoming a fear of rejection. 90% of the dilemas AFCs and rAFCs find themselves in, and a majority of men’s concerns, with the opposite sex find their roots in the methods and means they use to reduce their exposure to female rejection. These are buffers meant to reduce the potential for this rejection of intimacy. Men of course aren’t the only ones who use buffers – women have their share as well – but I think it would be much more productive for guys to recognize this propensity in themselves and see the methods they use, and often ego-invest in their personal psychologies, to buffer themselves against rejection.

Virtually every common problem guys deal with finds it’s basis in these buffers:
LDRs – Long Distance Relationships. The AFC will entertain an LDR because it was based on a previous acceptance of intimacy and being no longer convenient (due to distance) the guy will cling to the “relationship” because it’s a buffer against potential rejection from new women instead of accepting the relationship as being finished and maturely re-entering the dating pool. It’s a perceived “sure thing”, even if only rarely rewarding.

Playing Friends – Usually after an LJBF rejection where the perception is the potential love interest “might” later become an intimate with time and qualification. No matter how misguided, the time and effort spent by an AFC in proving himself as the would-be “perfect boyfriend” is a buffer against further rejection by new potential females, which is then further compounded by a moralistic sense of duty to be an actual Friend to his LJBF girl. In essence, his buffer against further rejection is his misplaced dedication to the LJBF girl. Another variation of this is the Cap’n-Save-A-Ho dynamic.

Emails, IMs and Texts – I should also add lengthy phone conversations to this list as well, but really any technology that seemingly increases comunication serves as a buffer (for both genders) the more it limits interpersonal communication. In the AFC case, the rationalization is that it keeps him in constant contact with his sex interest (which in and of itself is a mistake), but only serves as a buffer against her rejection. The latent peception being that it’s easier to read a rejection (or hear one) than to potentially be rejected in person. A lot of guys will counter this with how Texts and IM’s are just how this generation plies it’s Game. The difference I’d argue is that when digital communication becomes your preferred method of interacting with women, it’s a buffer.

Facebook & Online Dating – This one should be fairly obvious for the same reasons as above – Online dating is perhaps the best buffer ever conceived – particularly for less than physically ideal women. In fact it’s so effective that businesses can be built upon the common insecurities and fear of rejection of both sexes.

Objectification of Gender – This might be less obvious, but both sexes tend to objectify the other. Naturally when we think of this, the popularized notion is that men objectify women as sex objects, but women have a tendency to objectify men as “success objects” for the same reason. It is easier to accept rejection from an object than it is to take it from a living, breathing, human being. This is why we refer to intergender communication as a “game.” We “score” or we get “shot down” not personally or emotionally rejected; the buffer is in the language and mental approach.

Idealization of Gender – This is the myth of the “Quality Woman.” The buffer operates in perceived self-limitations based on a search for an ideal mate. Thus a tendency to fixate on one woman (ONEitis) or one type of woman (a gender Archetype) develops. By limiting to, and/or fixating on one woman (or type) the potential for rejection decreases, while insuring that any real rejection will come only from what will later be deemed non-qualified women. Rejection = ‘Low Quality Woman’ and is thus disqualified. This works in a similar fashon to the objectification buffer in that the woman delivering the rejection is reduced to an object.

Scarcity Mentality – The “Take What I Can Get and Be Glad I Got It” mentality acts as a buffer in that it works opposite of the Idealization buffer. Deprivation is motivation, and by sticking with the “sure thing” as the “only thing”, the potential for new rejection is then eliminated.

Older Women, Younger Women – I should also include certain body types in this category as well, but the buffer is in certain types of women being less likely to reject a man due to their personal circumstances. The Cougar dynamic debate has been done into irrelevancy, but the buffer is that older women, acting in accordance with their conditions, will be more inclined to accept the advances of younger men. In the same vein, very young girls will be more apt to accept the advances of older men due to naiveté and fat women are easier to become intimate with due to sexual deprivation. This isn’t rocket science, but an internalized preference for particular women develop by associating that particular type of woman with the minimization for potential rejection.

Leagues – This is the opposite of a “high standards” buffer which could be grouped with Scarcity. There is the woman some guys actually fear because she is perceived to be so much more socially valuable than the AFC. Think of the HB9+ corporate director who runs marathons, travels a lot, has good friends, dresses well, etc, etc, etc. The AFC tells himself “wow is she out of my league I would just get shot down because I would need to possess A, B & C to be her social status equal for her to even be interested”.  Ergo, the idea of Leagues is a useful rationalization buffer against rejection.

Pornography I realize this will draw some fire from the masturbation / no-masturbation set, but porn (as men use it) is a Buffer against rejection. Porn doesn’t talk back, porn doesn’t need a few drinks to loosen up nor does porn require any social skills to produce rewards. It’s convenient, immediate, sexual release that requires nothing more than a PC and an internet connection (or a magazine if you prefer the analog means). We can argue the obsessive-compulsive aspect of it, or the “my GF and I enjoy porn together” reasoning, but for the single guy the root reasoning is it’s facility as a Buffer. I should also add that it’s this very facility that makes women hate it (when they do). Porn gives a guy his reward for free; a reward that should be her single best agency is rendered valueless when a man can get off to an infinite variety of sexual experience at the click of a mouse. It’s unlimited access to unlimited sexual availability without the stress of learning methods to earn it as a reward.

These are really just a few notable examples, but once you become aware of how buffers manifest you’ll begin to see how and why they are useful against rejection. Buffers are generally the paths of least rejection that become ego-invested “preferences.” Buffers aren’t so much about those “preference” as they are about the motivations behind them.

At this point you might be thinking, “well, what the hell, I don’t want to feel rejection, why not employ buffers against it?” The main reason for embracing rejection is that rejection is better than regret. Scan back through this short list of buffers; how many of these have become greater, longer term problems for you than a briefly painful rejection would’ve been? Buffers also have a tendency to compound upon themselves in that one tends to dovetail into another, or more, until you no longer realize that they were originally rejection prevention methodologies and gradually become associated with your genuine personality. After a long enough period, these buffer become “just how I am.”

Lastly, experience teaches harsh, but it teaches best. Rejection, real, raw, in your face rejection stings like a bitch. It must be something so intolerable that human beings will devise countless social and psychological constructs in order to avoid it. However, there is no better teacher than getting burned by the stove. As a Man, you are going to face rejection in far more facets of your life than just dealing with a woman. The buffers you learn in one aspect of your life will be just as encumbering when they’re transferred to another aspect of your life. All of these buffers listed, and many more, become indicators of how you confidently deal with adversity. Some make you look like a beta-herb pussy, others are subtle and nagging parts of an internalized personality, but dependence upon them incrementally reveals your real character to a woman. Are you Alpha enough to take a rejection on the chin, smile and confidently come back for more? Or will you run, will you block yourself, will you hide with convenient buffers?

About Rollo Tomassi

Author of The Rational Male and The Rational Male, Preventive Medicine View all posts by Rollo Tomassi

55 responses to “Buffers

  • Commander Shepard

    Long time fan of your commentary and I just discovered this site from IMF.

    Great blog entry. I agree. My life is full of regrets and is much, much, worse off for it. Each time I was happy in life I embraced adversity but most of the time I ran away from it and my misery level correlated to that. Looking back though the times I faced rejection were nowhere near as bad as I made them out to be. They were very good learning experiences and I even laugh at them now.

  • detinennui32


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  • Badger

    I had never thought of it like this but when I started to up my game I consciously threw off my “rejection buffers” and life has been much better.

  • Rejection & Revenge «

    […] the root cause of so very many mental schemas, behaviors, rationales, etc. for guys. My thread Buffers outlines many of these rationales or conventions used to deaden the effect of rejection, but […]

  • congo

    one very common rejection buffer that sort of gets through under the radar is the mechanism of “lowering the woman’s value after having first met”.

    as long as she’s a stranger and far away, she’s hot and desirable….
    examples being: a new work-colleague, a girl in some recently assigned college project, a new female roommate of a good buddy, a blind-date, the girl from an online-dating-site, the sister of your buddy, you just found out about, even a hot celebrity…

    as soon as you get to know her, you’re being introduced or you go on a first date, the following beta thoughts creep in:
    she’s not THAT hot; i don’t like her views on X; she has flaws, as well; her nose is somehow…weird; her ass is not that perfect in daylight; i don’t like that she’s not that into politics; she’s not really well educated; she’s sort of a jerk, she’s way sexier on her profile picture/on tv…..

    the list is endless. and if it’s coming from an alpha mindset, it’s called screening for a high match a.k.a. the girl has to live up to my standards. that’s fine, because if it doesn’t work out for whatever reason, the guy won’t take any damage from it and moves on to the next plate spinning.

    BUT: if it’s coming from a beta mindset that mechanism usually starts to creep in as early as during the first date/introduction with the pure goal of buffering the potential rejection from her in the near future. which of course has a strong self-sabotaging- or self-fulfilling-prophecy-aspect the beta chump isn’t aware of.


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  • krauserpua

    Brilliant. I always find you get one level deeper and one order more abstract than the other writers.

  • Badger

    I had forgotten how spot on this post was.

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  • martaj1618

    Reblogged this on Blyad and commented:
    Rejection is better than Regret.

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  • Ari

    Great advice.

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  • Emeric Belasco

    You forgot to mention one of the most significant buffers, dude. Addiction to prostitutes. Internet female escorts means rejection is just about nil and that you get gratification instantly and not have to deal with the uncertainty of rejection.

    Been doing this shit my whole life since I was a teen when the GF experiences either went to shit or I got shot down. A three decade habit is hard to give up and not even sure I want to.

    Now, it’s “Just how I am”. Even if I were to take the time and trouble to track down an attractive bitch, the uncertainty of it renders me unable to get a stiffy because I’m so acclimated to knowing that once money changed hands, I’m guaranteed to get some so it’s the only Pavlovian cue which gives me a hard on.

    It’s not like I’m not physically attractive to the occasional girl who gives me the elevator eyes but since I’m no longer acclimated to spitting game and running the gamut of starting from initiating a conversation to “closing the deal” I’m not sure if I even give a fuck anymore.

  • Emeric Belasco

    Oh yeah. Recently I used all of the buffers you mentioned with some woman who might have been initially interested but after three months of mixed messages, and mistakes that you’ve pointed out, and some which I knew to be the wrong moves but still went through with ’em, it went to shit, as well.

    I don’t know who broke off things with whom. Only that we ignore each other and that even though I suspect she is trying to get me to approach her when we run into each other , after telling me that my “anger issues” required for her to “keep her distance for the time being”, I refuse to go anywhere near her nor acknowledge her.

    Why fuck with that headache when I have seven hookers to choose from and they are just a phone call away?

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  • K_C

    Bam! This is one of those posts you have to come back to every few months because it’s so applicable to many parts of your life. I’m married but it all still applies, from sex with my wife to the job change I’m pursuing.

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  • hiddenangles

    Holy shit man!
    You just put it tremendously. “just how I am.”.

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  • deltav

    Just came across this. Much to think about. Beyond the topic, you write very well, Mr. Tomassi

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  • anon

    This blog is so good. I need to spend time reading every post.

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  • Juicycleric

    What is a rAFC ? I know what AFC is.

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    Look at the link on my sidebar JC

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  • Jim

    mantap gan perkembangan teknologi sekarang, , klw kita gak ikuti bisa ketinggalan kereta , Aerith

  • daddymonsterpoodle

    My big regret is that I couldn’t see how fear was shaping my life, fear of failure so I never took risks, fear of commitment so I sabotaged relationships, fear of conflict so I became beta-pussy, the fear of rejection and loneliness so I stayed in a damaging relationship..the list goes on. Still, I can’t change the past, but I can change me so it doesn’t get repested.

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  • RickSanchez

    The problem is every approach is Schroedinger’s Rape and every rejection is am accusation.

  • Paul; Wilson

    this is a fantastic post … yet i don’t give two fuck what a woman wants, i reject them

  • Cygnus

    Sorry, Id much rather beat my dick than deal with tye modern brand of uppity entitled women.

  • SJF

    “Lastly, experience teaches harsh, but it teaches best. Rejection, real, raw, in your face rejection stings like a bitch. It must be something so intolerable that human beings will devise countless social and psychological constructs in order to avoid it. However, there is no better teacher than getting burned by the stove. As a Man, you are going to face rejection in far more facets of your life than just dealing with a woman. The buffers you learn in one aspect of your life will be just as encumbering when they’re transferred to another aspect of your life. All of these buffers listed, and many more, become indicators of how you confidently deal with adversity. Some make you look like a beta-herb pussy, others are subtle and nagging parts of an internalized personality, but dependence upon them incrementally reveals your real character to a woman. Are you Alpha enough to take a rejection on the chin, smile and confidently come back for more? Or will you run, will you block yourself, will you hide with convenient buffers?”

    I just came upon a link in MRP reddit. The Psychologist who wrote the article appears to be a beta blue pill kind of guy. Rejection as experienced by a red pill aware, game practiced man is totally a learning experience as compared to a blue pill AFC experienced rejection.


    Ten points about rejection in the article include:

    1. Rejection piggybacks on physical pain pathways in the brain.
    2. Tylenol reduces the emotional pain rejection elicits.
    3. Rejection served a vital function in our evolutionary past.
    4. We can relive and re-experience social pain more vividly than we can physical pain.
    5. Rejection destabilizes our “Need to Belong.”
    (ed. not for Alphas….)
    6. Rejection creates surges of anger and aggression.
    (ed. not for Alphas….)
    7. Rejections send us on a mission to seek and destroy our self-esteem.
    (ed. not for Alphas….)
    8. Rejection temporarily lowers our IQ.
    (ed. not for Alphas….)
    9. Rejection does not respond to reason.
    (ed. not for Alphas….)
    10. There are ways to treat the psychological wounds rejection inflicts.
    (Yeah, it’s called Game)

    The author is basically arguing for Buffering the pain of rejection.

    But get this: If you approach Rejection with an Alpha mindset, you grow to become more antifragile. If you approach rejection with a Beta mindset, you need to depend on Buffers and psychological counseling.

    From his Beta oriented Ted Talk:

    “We all have a default set of feelings and beliefs when we encounter frustrations and setbacks.

    Are you aware of how your mind reacts to failure? You need to be. Because if your mind tries to convince you of the fact that you are incapable of something, you’ll start feeling helpless and stop trying too soon. Now you’ll stop trying at all. That is where people live below their potential.”

    Alpha males get rid of weak ego-investments and strengthen their good ones. They don’t ruminate about weaknesses. They shut down negative thinking. Alpha’s build emotional resilience (Anti-fragility).

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