Rejection is better than Regret.
Sifting through some of my past posts on the SoSuave forum it hit me; over 90% of what I advocate there can be reduced to overcoming a fear of rejection. 90% of the dilemas AFCs and rAFCs find themselves in, and a majority of men’s concerns, with the opposite sex find their roots in the methods and means they use to reduce their exposure to female rejection. These are buffers meant to reduce the potential for this rejection of intimacy. Men of course aren’t the only ones who use buffers – women have their share as well – but I think it would be much more productive for guys to recognize this propensity in themselves and see the methods they use, and often ego-invest in their personal psychologies, to buffer themselves against rejection.
Virtually every common problem guys deal with finds it’s basis in these buffers:
LDRs – Long Distance Relationships. The AFC will entertain an LDR because it was based on a previous acceptance of intimacy and being no longer convenient (due to distance) the guy will cling to the “relationship” because it’s a buffer against potential rejection from new women instead of accepting the relationship as being finished and maturely re-entering the dating pool. It’s a perceived “sure thing”, even if only rarely rewarding.
Playing Friends – Usually after an LJBF rejection where the perception is the potential love interest “might” later become an intimate with time and qualification. No matter how misguided, the time and effort spent by an AFC in proving himself as the would-be “perfect boyfriend” is a buffer against further rejection by new potential females, which is then further compounded by a moralistic sense of duty to be an actual Friend to his LJBF girl. In essence, his buffer against further rejection is his misplaced dedication to the LJBF girl. Another variation of this is the Cap’n-Save-A-Ho dynamic.
Emails, IMs and Texts – I should also add lengthy phone conversations to this list as well, but really any technology that seemingly increases comunication serves as a buffer (for both genders) the more it limits interpersonal communication. In the AFC case, the rationalization is that it keeps him in constant contact with his sex interest (which in and of itself is a mistake), but only serves as a buffer against her rejection. The latent peception being that it’s easier to read a rejection (or hear one) than to potentially be rejected in person. A lot of guys will counter this with how Texts and IM’s are just how this generation plies it’s Game. The difference I’d argue is that when digital communication becomes your preferred method of interacting with women, it’s a buffer.
Facebook & Online Dating – This one should be fairly obvious for the same reasons as above – Online dating is perhaps the best buffer ever conceived – particularly for less than physically ideal women. In fact it’s so effective that businesses can be built upon the common insecurities and fear of rejection of both sexes.
Objectification of Gender – This might be less obvious, but both sexes tend to objectify the other. Naturally when we think of this, the popularized notion is that men objectify women as sex objects, but women have a tendency to objectify men as “success objects” for the same reason. It is easier to accept rejection from an object than it is to take it from a living, breathing, human being. This is why we refer to intergender communication as a “game.” We “score” or we get “shot down” not personally or emotionally rejected; the buffer is in the language and mental approach.
Idealization of Gender – This is the myth of the “Quality Woman.” The buffer operates in perceived self-limitations based on a search for an ideal mate. Thus a tendency to fixate on one woman (ONEitis) or one type of woman (a gender Archetype) develops. By limiting to, and/or fixating on one woman (or type) the potential for rejection decreases, while insuring that any real rejection will come only from what will later be deemed non-qualified women. Rejection = ‘Low Quality Woman’ and is thus disqualified. This works in a similar fashon to the objectification buffer in that the woman delivering the rejection is reduced to an object.
Scarcity Mentality – The “Take What I Can Get and Be Glad I Got It” mentality acts as a buffer in that it works opposite of the Idealization buffer. Deprivation is motivation, and by sticking with the “sure thing” as the “only thing”, the potential for new rejection is then eliminated.
Older Women, Younger Women – I should also include certain body types in this category as well, but the buffer is in certain types of women being less likely to reject a man due to their personal circumstances. The Cougar dynamic debate has been done into irrelevancy, but the buffer is that older women, acting in accordance with their conditions, will be more inclined to accept the advances of younger men. In the same vein, very young girls will be more apt to accept the advances of older men due to naiveté and fat women are easier to become intimate with due to sexual deprivation. This isn’t rocket science, but an internalized preference for particular women develop by associating that particular type of woman with the minimization for potential rejection.
Leagues – This is the opposite of a “high standards” buffer which could be grouped with Scarcity. There is the woman some guys actually fear because she is perceived to be so much more socially valuable than the AFC. Think of the HB9+ corporate director who runs marathons, travels a lot, has good friends, dresses well, etc, etc, etc. The AFC tells himself “wow is she out of my league I would just get shot down because I would need to possess A, B & C to be her social status equal for her to even be interested”. Ergo, the idea of Leagues is a useful rationalization buffer against rejection.
Pornography I realize this will draw some fire from the masturbation / no-masturbation set, but porn (as men use it) is a Buffer against rejection. Porn doesn’t talk back, porn doesn’t need a few drinks to loosen up nor does porn require any social skills to produce rewards. It’s convenient, immediate, sexual release that requires nothing more than a PC and an internet connection (or a magazine if you prefer the analog means). We can argue the obsessive-compulsive aspect of it, or the “my GF and I enjoy porn together” reasoning, but for the single guy the root reasoning is it’s facility as a Buffer. I should also add that it’s this very facility that makes women hate it (when they do). Porn gives a guy his reward for free; a reward that should be her single best agency is rendered valueless when a man can get off to an infinite variety of sexual experience at the click of a mouse. It’s unlimited access to unlimited sexual availability without the stress of learning methods to earn it as a reward.
These are really just a few notable examples, but once you become aware of how buffers manifest you’ll begin to see how and why they are useful against rejection. Buffers are generally the paths of least rejection that become ego-invested “preferences.” Buffers aren’t so much about those “preference” as they are about the motivations behind them.
At this point you might be thinking, “well, what the hell, I don’t want to feel rejection, why not employ buffers against it?” The main reason for embracing rejection is that rejection is better than regret. Scan back through this short list of buffers; how many of these have become greater, longer term problems for you than a briefly painful rejection would’ve been? Buffers also have a tendency to compound upon themselves in that one tends to dovetail into another, or more, until you no longer realize that they were originally rejection prevention methodologies and gradually become associated with your genuine personality. After a long enough period, these buffer become “just how I am.”
Lastly, experience teaches harsh, but it teaches best. Rejection, real, raw, in your face rejection stings like a bitch. It must be something so intolerable that human beings will devise countless social and psychological constructs in order to avoid it. However, there is no better teacher than getting burned by the stove. As a Man, you are going to face rejection in far more facets of your life than just dealing with a woman. The buffers you learn in one aspect of your life will be just as encumbering when they’re transferred to another aspect of your life. All of these buffers listed, and many more, become indicators of how you confidently deal with adversity. Some make you look like a beta-herb pussy, others are subtle and nagging parts of an internalized personality, but dependence upon them incrementally reveals your real character to a woman. Are you Alpha enough to take a rejection on the chin, smile and confidently come back for more? Or will you run, will you block yourself, will you hide with convenient buffers?
August 27th, 2011 at 12:52 am
Long time fan of your commentary and I just discovered this site from IMF.
Great blog entry. I agree. My life is full of regrets and is much, much, worse off for it. Each time I was happy in life I embraced adversity but most of the time I ran away from it and my misery level correlated to that. Looking back though the times I faced rejection were nowhere near as bad as I made them out to be. They were very good learning experiences and I even laugh at them now.
September 2nd, 2011 at 10:27 am
out-fucking-standing.
September 12th, 2011 at 10:51 am
[…] AFCs, most feminized, conditioned males, LIKE and embrace the lonely old man myth because it is a Buffer against potential rejection. Does that sound like a stretch? It shouldn’t. When used from a […]
September 13th, 2011 at 9:57 am
[…] An over-reliance on rejection Buffers. […]
September 19th, 2011 at 2:27 pm
[…] perfect moment to attempt to escalate to intimacy, at which point her most comfortable rejection (Buffer) is to LJBF. This is made all the more easy for her because of the process the guy used to get to […]
September 20th, 2011 at 12:44 am
I had never thought of it like this but when I started to up my game I consciously threw off my “rejection buffers” and life has been much better.
November 15th, 2011 at 11:20 am
[…] the root cause of so very many mental schemas, behaviors, rationales, etc. for guys. My thread Buffers outlines many of these rationales or conventions used to deaden the effect of rejection, but […]
December 4th, 2011 at 6:48 pm
one very common rejection buffer that sort of gets through under the radar is the mechanism of “lowering the woman’s value after having first met”.
as long as she’s a stranger and far away, she’s hot and desirable….
examples being: a new work-colleague, a girl in some recently assigned college project, a new female roommate of a good buddy, a blind-date, the girl from an online-dating-site, the sister of your buddy, you just found out about, even a hot celebrity…
as soon as you get to know her, you’re being introduced or you go on a first date, the following beta thoughts creep in:
she’s not THAT hot; i don’t like her views on X; she has flaws, as well; her nose is somehow…weird; her ass is not that perfect in daylight; i don’t like that she’s not that into politics; she’s not really well educated; she’s sort of a jerk, she’s way sexier on her profile picture/on tv…..
the list is endless. and if it’s coming from an alpha mindset, it’s called screening for a high match a.k.a. the girl has to live up to my standards. that’s fine, because if it doesn’t work out for whatever reason, the guy won’t take any damage from it and moves on to the next plate spinning.
BUT: if it’s coming from a beta mindset that mechanism usually starts to creep in as early as during the first date/introduction with the pure goal of buffering the potential rejection from her in the near future. which of course has a strong self-sabotaging- or self-fulfilling-prophecy-aspect the beta chump isn’t aware of.
-congo
December 15th, 2011 at 10:08 am
[…] If you’re picking up a hobby in order to meet women all you’re doing is attempting to Identify with what you expect your idealized woman to appreciate. If you get into something for this reason it’s not a hobby, it’s a Buffer. […]
February 1st, 2012 at 2:41 pm
[…] night unable to muster even the rudimentary courage needed to ask you out, so I’m using this Buffer called email to blunt the potential for real rejection that I was to petrified to risk at the party […]
February 6th, 2012 at 3:03 pm
[…] to the lady’s bridge club when we venture a disenting perspective on a great many topics. The Buffer of the internet make that expression much more convenient, but is also fraught with the same risks, […]
February 8th, 2012 at 7:32 am
Brilliant. I always find you get one level deeper and one order more abstract than the other writers.
February 8th, 2012 at 9:25 am
Heheh,..thanks, I think.
February 8th, 2012 at 4:38 pm
I had forgotten how spot on this post was.
April 11th, 2012 at 11:53 am
[…] that he can salvage a monogamy that only existed in his head. What his part really amounts to is a Buffer against the very real rejection he could potentially experience by putting himself out into the […]
May 6th, 2012 at 8:07 am
[…] to put you back into your cage, you get constant bad feedback from girls because by approaching you have removed your buffers against rejection and suddenly discover you’re far less talented that you’d tricked […]
May 9th, 2012 at 10:45 am
Reblogged this on Blyad and commented:
Rejection is better than Regret.
May 10th, 2012 at 8:55 am
[…] of horse shit, but at 25 your scenario here about “meeting” her online is nothing but a Buffer for you. Also, what do you think constitutes dating? You’re certainly not banging this girl, […]
June 12th, 2012 at 2:41 am
Great advice.
June 25th, 2012 at 12:11 pm
[…] have been raised into equalism, but clinging to gender equalism after the fact is simply one more Buffer against rejection, and it’s a buffer most guys have a very tough time recognizing in […]
July 23rd, 2012 at 10:53 am
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August 29th, 2012 at 2:11 pm
[…] Buffers […]
September 23rd, 2012 at 9:57 am
[…] Beta buffers – https://rationalmale.wordpress.com/2011/08/26/buffers/ […]
October 20th, 2012 at 4:08 am
You forgot to mention one of the most significant buffers, dude. Addiction to prostitutes. Internet female escorts means rejection is just about nil and that you get gratification instantly and not have to deal with the uncertainty of rejection.
Been doing this shit my whole life since I was a teen when the GF experiences either went to shit or I got shot down. A three decade habit is hard to give up and not even sure I want to.
Now, it’s “Just how I am”. Even if I were to take the time and trouble to track down an attractive bitch, the uncertainty of it renders me unable to get a stiffy because I’m so acclimated to knowing that once money changed hands, I’m guaranteed to get some so it’s the only Pavlovian cue which gives me a hard on.
It’s not like I’m not physically attractive to the occasional girl who gives me the elevator eyes but since I’m no longer acclimated to spitting game and running the gamut of starting from initiating a conversation to “closing the deal” I’m not sure if I even give a fuck anymore.
October 20th, 2012 at 4:14 am
Oh yeah. Recently I used all of the buffers you mentioned with some woman who might have been initially interested but after three months of mixed messages, and mistakes that you’ve pointed out, and some which I knew to be the wrong moves but still went through with ’em, it went to shit, as well.
I don’t know who broke off things with whom. Only that we ignore each other and that even though I suspect she is trying to get me to approach her when we run into each other , after telling me that my “anger issues” required for her to “keep her distance for the time being”, I refuse to go anywhere near her nor acknowledge her.
Why fuck with that headache when I have seven hookers to choose from and they are just a phone call away?
March 5th, 2013 at 6:10 pm
[…] read the dating escapades of these Golden Girls once their lifetime soulmates husbands die and the Buffers of online dating and social networking are introduced to them by women of the Pepsi […]
March 8th, 2013 at 6:31 pm
Bam! This is one of those posts you have to come back to every few months because it’s so applicable to many parts of your life. I’m married but it all still applies, from sex with my wife to the job change I’m pursuing.
May 25th, 2013 at 7:59 pm
[…] Vulnerability….. thats it, if you look at my writing about shame, on the motorcycle, what strikes you? I was lacking in the basic idea of vulnerability and exposing myself to people, things, connections. There was always Rollo’s “buffers“….. […]
May 29th, 2013 at 12:21 pm
[…] Trinity’s attraction to Neo and spends his off hours watching encoded Matrix porn (not only a Buffer, but also an escape) and has a direct line to the only alcohol on the ship (courtesy of Dozer). […]
June 26th, 2013 at 11:35 pm
[…] the Beta Game behind the “you don’t need sex” Buffer, but there’s more too this rationale than that. Technically the Beta reasoning is correct; […]
July 11th, 2013 at 5:08 am
Holy shit man!
You just put it tremendously. “just how I am.”.
August 13th, 2013 at 6:35 am
[…] their woes through flame wars and bickering. An academic understanding and interest in Game is a comfort blanket, a shelter, which however leads to a sense of frustration about not playing it. Disappearing up […]
August 13th, 2013 at 11:07 am
[…] to themselves about their satisfaction with the opposite sex. Unable to admit they have a problem, denial comes in many […]
December 8th, 2013 at 4:17 pm
[…] Re: They all come back Zildjian, maybe a long distance relationship (LDR) is not working for one or both of you. I recommend you take care of yourself and take this break in your relationship as a time to get yourself where YOU want to be – for YOU. Not as a mechanism for attracting your lost relationship partner. Are you going to settle for someone who strayed on you? Was she remembering all of the great memories and things while she was investing her time and energies into some other dude? Here's an interesting read for men in LDRs. […]
May 20th, 2014 at 11:57 pm
[…] perfect moment to attempt to escalate to intimacy, at which point her most comfortable rejection (Buffer) is to LJBF. This is made all the more easy for her because of the process the guy used to get to […]
June 12th, 2014 at 5:31 pm
[…] Artículo de Rollo Tomassi, The Rational Male […]
August 13th, 2014 at 5:21 pm
[…] boys, AFCs, Symps, and even PUAs will refuse to accept and/or deal with that rejection. Go look at Buffers, Buffers are how men prevent rejection not how they deal with it once they’re experiencing […]
October 26th, 2014 at 8:44 am
Just came across this. Much to think about. Beyond the topic, you write very well, Mr. Tomassi
December 23rd, 2014 at 12:01 am
[…] Red Pill principles I explored over a decade ago was the tendency for men (and women) to create Buffers against rejection for themselves. I’ll still argue that men being the ‘initiator’ […]
December 24th, 2014 at 8:01 am
[…] of The Rational Male, has talked frequently about a concept he calls “buffers” – that is, those barriers, mental or otherwise, that men erect in order to protect themselves […]
January 20th, 2015 at 4:56 pm
This blog is so good. I need to spend time reading every post.
February 2nd, 2015 at 5:37 pm
[…] marrying or otherwise interacting with women. This compartmentalization is really a form of Buffering against rejection, but it’s also a logical social positioning of a man putting himself into […]
March 1st, 2015 at 6:11 pm
[…] After a recent few days, of which I weaselled out from going onto the streets, the thought of this post and this video came to […]
March 1st, 2015 at 8:23 pm
[…] independence who you are or is it a strategy disconnected from yourself which you rely on to Buffer […]
March 31st, 2015 at 9:39 pm
What is a rAFC ? I know what AFC is.
March 31st, 2015 at 10:09 pm
Look at the link on my sidebar JC
April 16th, 2015 at 12:08 pm
[…] first thing that came to mind after reading this was Rollo Tomassi’s post, Buffers. Rollo lists a number of things such as: online dating, pornography, Facebook, email, scarcity […]
October 12th, 2015 at 12:28 am
mantap gan perkembangan teknologi sekarang, , klw kita gak ikuti bisa ketinggalan kereta , Aerith
December 8th, 2015 at 7:51 pm
My big regret is that I couldn’t see how fear was shaping my life, fear of failure so I never took risks, fear of commitment so I sabotaged relationships, fear of conflict so I became beta-pussy, the fear of rejection and loneliness so I stayed in a damaging relationship..the list goes on. Still, I can’t change the past, but I can change me so it doesn’t get repested.
January 6th, 2016 at 5:13 pm
[…] un momento para intentar escalar hacia la intimidad, momento en el cual su rechazo mas cómodo (Buffer) es utilizar el PPSA. Este rechazo se ve totalmente facilitado gracias al proceso de levante que […]
January 25th, 2016 at 9:25 pm
[…] should a man not find a woman attractive, or opt for another, this then serves as a rejection buffer as well as a precondition for her own rejection of a man should he make an approach and not be […]
April 12th, 2016 at 3:09 pm
The problem is every approach is Schroedinger’s Rape and every rejection is am accusation.
June 4th, 2016 at 5:37 pm
this is a fantastic post … yet i don’t give two fuck what a woman wants, i reject them
June 5th, 2016 at 6:55 pm
Sorry, Id much rather beat my dick than deal with tye modern brand of uppity entitled women.
August 15th, 2016 at 5:23 pm
I just came upon a link in MRP reddit. The Psychologist who wrote the article appears to be a beta blue pill kind of guy. Rejection as experienced by a red pill aware, game practiced man is totally a learning experience as compared to a blue pill AFC experienced rejection.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/10-surprising-facts-about-rejection
Ten points about rejection in the article include:
1. Rejection piggybacks on physical pain pathways in the brain.
2. Tylenol reduces the emotional pain rejection elicits.
3. Rejection served a vital function in our evolutionary past.
4. We can relive and re-experience social pain more vividly than we can physical pain.
5. Rejection destabilizes our “Need to Belong.”
(ed. not for Alphas….)
6. Rejection creates surges of anger and aggression.
(ed. not for Alphas….)
7. Rejections send us on a mission to seek and destroy our self-esteem.
(ed. not for Alphas….)
8. Rejection temporarily lowers our IQ.
(ed. not for Alphas….)
9. Rejection does not respond to reason.
(ed. not for Alphas….)
10. There are ways to treat the psychological wounds rejection inflicts.
(Yeah, it’s called Game)
The author is basically arguing for Buffering the pain of rejection.
But get this: If you approach Rejection with an Alpha mindset, you grow to become more antifragile. If you approach rejection with a Beta mindset, you need to depend on Buffers and psychological counseling.
From his Beta oriented Ted Talk:
“We all have a default set of feelings and beliefs when we encounter frustrations and setbacks.
Are you aware of how your mind reacts to failure? You need to be. Because if your mind tries to convince you of the fact that you are incapable of something, you’ll start feeling helpless and stop trying too soon. Now you’ll stop trying at all. That is where people live below their potential.”
Alpha males get rid of weak ego-investments and strengthen their good ones. They don’t ruminate about weaknesses. They shut down negative thinking. Alpha’s build emotional resilience (Anti-fragility).