The Desire Dynamic

You cannot negotiate Desire.

This is a very simple principle that most Men and the vast majority of women are willfully ignorant of. One the most common personal problems I’ve been asked advice for in the past 10 years is some variation of “how do I get her back?” Usually this breaks down into men seeking some methodology to return his relationship to an earlier state where a previously passionate woman couldn’t keep her hands off of him. Six months into a comfortable familiarity and the thrill is gone, but in truth it’s the genuine desire that is gone.

It’s often at this stage that a man will resort to negotiation. Sometimes this can be as subtle as him progressively doing things for her in the hopes that she’ll reciprocate with the same sexual fervor they used to have. Other times a married couple may go to marriage counseling to “resolve their sex issues” and negotiate terms for her sexual compliance. He’ll promise to do the dishes and a load of laundry more often in exchange for her feigned sexual interest in him. Yet, no matter what terms are offered, no matter how great an external effort he makes so deserving of reward, the genuine desire is not there for her. In fact, she feels worse for not having the desire after such efforts were made for her compliance.

Negotiated desire only ever leads to obligated compliance. This is why her post-negotiation sexual response is often so lackluster and the source of even further frustration on his part. She may be more sexually available to him, but the half-hearted experience is never the same as when they first met when there was no negotiation, just spontaneous desire for each other.

From a male perspective, and particularly that of an uninitiated beta male, negotiation of desire seems a rational solution to the problem. Men tend to innately rely on deductive reasoning; otherwise known as an “if then” logic stream. The code is often something like this:

I need sex + women have the sex I want + query women about their conditions for sex + meet prerequisites for sex = the sex I want.

Makes sense right? It’s simple economics, but built on a foundation that relies on a woman’s accurate self-evaluations. The genuine desire they used to experience at the outset of their relationship was predicated upon a completely unknown set of variables. Overtly communicating a desire for reciprocal desire creates obligation, and sometimes even ultimatums. Genuine desire is something a person must come to – or be led to – on their own volition. You can force a woman by threat to comply with behaving in a desired manner, but you cannot make her want to behave that way. A prostitute will fuck you for an exchange, it doesn’t mean she wants to.

Whether LTR or a one night stand (ONS) strive for genuine desire in your relationships. Half of the battle is knowing you want to be with a woman who wants to please you, not one who feels obligated to. You will never draw this genuine desire from her by overt means, but you can covertly lead her to this genuine desire. The trick in provoking real desire is in keeping her ignorant of your inent to provoke it. Real desire is created by her thinking it’s something she wants, not something she has to do.



  1. Any emotional decision (including motivation, attraction, desire or liking) is not a choice. Feelings are disconnected from conscious thought: they are instead the brain’s automatic responses upon being excited in various ways.

    Negotiating is often a poor way of triggering feelings in other people, as you explain. Creating the patterns the emotional brain responds to is much more effective.

    Rollo, I appreciate all your posts so far. They’re all dead on, and a great starting resource for me. Keep it coming.

  2. well, yeah but how do you manage that? when the magic’s gone, it’s gone. back in the fifties it was that very sense of female obligation that kept the institution of marriage going, nobody really complained, and it was win/win all around.

    change the parameters, i.e. female financial independence- that’s the wild card for better or worse. it doesn’t look good for marriage long term for both partners to be in a constant state of disequilibrium: both renegotiating something that should be settled up front when previously both accepted the status quo and kept their desire for one another because they knew on some level, consciously or not, there were no other options.

    sheesh, i don’t know what the solution is. there’s no getting the genie back in the bottle. certainly, the balancing act you advise is less assured of good results than the expectations we all would have had a generation ago .

    i guess from your name that you were raised catholic, like i was, but i
    think i’m quite a bit older than you. for all its oppressive strictures regarding the duties of spouses, i think that institution was onto something.

  3. Not catholic, however my mother converted to catholicism from evangelicalism about 15 years ago. And Rollo Tomassi is my pseudonym – go watch/read L.A. Confidential.

    I’m 43.

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  5. “The trick in provoking real desire is in keeping her ignorant of your inent to provoke it. ”

    let your greatest cunning lie in covering up what looks like cunning…

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  15. At a crossroads. Can you suggest Rollo how a woman may “be led”? Not necessarily to sex, but cooking an occasional meal or making or some effort on her part that shows she’s interested in pleasing a man. I also read in a follow up here the keywords “creating patterns”.
    Proud to be red pill aware and never going back.

  16. “You will never draw this genuine desire from her by overt means, but you can covertly lead her to this genuine desire. The trick in provoking real desire is in keeping her ignorant of your intent to provoke it. Real desire is created by her thinking it’s something she wants, not something she has to do.”

    Okay Tomassi, I totally agree with you there.

  17. Love your material, but grey on white is TERRIBLE for reading. Which I would assume is one of your goals for blogging. Please change the type color to black, or anything darker.

    Most designers are morons who want things to ‘look nice’. Usability and ease for the user is what matters most. Thanks.

    Keep up the great work.

  18. Yes, women are emotional creatures, and men are too. If we just scrutinize the most important decisions of life: they All had emotions involved!

    In my experience the following works:
    1 jealousy, just say something positive about other women, how they do things. Don’t say that you want it from her. Jealousy is a big one, especially if your woman is competitive.

    2 Forbidden fruit is sweet. Say to her that she is not allowed to do xyz to you for certain time, ie 5 days. Promise to tell her why only after those days are over. If she can’t wait and brokes the promise to not do xyz to you, even better. After 5 days are over tell her when asked that you wanted to know how it feels.

    3 ask any salesman who markets to women primarily. He had lots of techniques suitable to stirr your woman’s feelings.

    More to come…

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