Compatibility

There is a groupie for every male endeavor. Except World of Warcraft. – Roissy

Rollo, what are the Best Hobbies for meeting chicks?

Yeah…i know..you’re not suppose to be looking for chicks while you are practicing your hobby but…fuck that crap. I’m always on the lookout….and hanging with a bunch of drunk dudes who play softball on the weekend in SWELTERING heat doesn’t sound like my gig.

It’s very entertaining for me to hear guys reason as to why they got into yoga, or my all time favorite, salsa dancing as some means of meeting girls. I mean really, if that’s the goal you choose to devote the precious few hours of your leisure time to then I suppose a guy ought to take up scrap-booking or zumba.

If you’re picking up a hobby in order to meet women all you’re doing is attempting to Identify with what you expect your idealized woman to appreciate. If you get into something for this reason it’s not a hobby, it’s a Buffer.

Successful men don’t chase success – success chases them. Women are going to expect you to have your own uncontrived, interests, passions and hobbies established before meeting them.

However, I do think the desire of finding a common interest prior to, or in order to hook up with women is an interesting one. The MGTOW crowd will of course use this as a prime illustration of how men autonomously shape themselves to the ideals of women. And in the terms of living in the feminine reality they’d be right. You see, whenever a Man engages in any leisure activity, passion, hobby, etc. that doesn’t directly benefit his wife / GF it’s always perceived as a waste of time. If she cannot realize a tangible result that benefits her – or by way of her, the potential “family” or the “relationship” – your effort is pointless and frivolous in contrast to engaging her, entertaining her or relating with her. Again we see the hypergamous feminine imperative of girl-world. If it’s not directly benefiting women, it’s not benefiting humanity in general.

That said, you can stretch this association quite a bit. If you enjoy playing basketball after work with friends or hitting the gym, there is a benefit to her – your improved health, better looks, less fat, etc. so the “hobby” is more tolerable. There is a kind of hierarchy of leisure activities, hobbies, passions, etc. that women rank based on how it relates to themselves and the social perceptions that are associated with it. You could even make the case that playing X-Box helps you decompress after a hard day at work, but this is less tolerable than something that has tangible benefits or at least the association of benefits for a woman. You have to learn how to mediate this in an LTR. It’s actually a fantastic opportunity to maintain the frame within a relationship if you have the wherewithal to endure her protests. I have a LOT of passions and interests that I enjoy. Some directly benefit my wife, others don’t, but the moment I give one up, I surrender and that’s the moment she loses respect for my authority as a Man. I fully acknowledge there are interests I have that Mrs. Tomassi is casually indifferent to or outright despises, but were I to acquiesce with “OK honey, you win, I’ll stop it with such and such”, I lose prominence.

Nothing irks me more than AFC husbands who abdicated their authority and prominence by giving up things that they loved prior to marriage. And then they tell me how “thankful” they are that they married a woman who “allows” him to watch Hockey occasionally on the little TV set they have in their bedroom (not the widescreen in the living room). If guys are obsessively playing fantasy football or baseball in preference to banging their wives, I think the first place to start is with the wife. Most often it’s a referendum on her. Men should not need to create their own space, their home should be their space. Your home should be your ‘Man-Cave’.

Common Interests

When I was dating my wife we shared one common interest – fucking like rabbits whenever and wherever. There’s are very few things my wife and I do together as a couple as far as common interests go. We don’t share hobbies, we do bodybuilding, but separately, she taught me to ski when we were first married, but after our daughter was born we ended that.

I think in general people place far too much importance on “common interests” as if it’s some kind of glue that should hold a relationship together. I think shared beliefs and appreciation for individual identities is much more vital for a strong relationship than whether or not you both enjoy tennis. It’s our differences in personality and how the traits of our individual characters compliment each other that makes a couple grow. I have a tendency to intellectualize things; my wife’s ‘common sense’ simple wisdom helps temper this in me. My wife is generally very impatient, and I have the patience of Job (particularly with our daughter) – this compliments her deficit. My wife is a ‘worst case scenario’ worrier, I tend to be more pragmatic and optimistic and this balances another aspect of our relationship. I have a tendency to be more artistic and passionate and this fills a need she has, but is unable to articulate. It’s differences in identity that compliment the deficits of the other and a vibrant appreciation of them that account for strong couples.

I would advise guys to re-think this compatibility myth. Every time I see these 40 point personality tests that “ensure compatibility” on eHarmony I want to puke. They’re all based on shared commonalities and this has a potential to lead to disaster. Men need to be able to excel in certain areas or activities in their lives that serve as a renewable source of social proof for the women they pair-bond with. Gender equalists will of course take offense to this in assuming it’s adversarial – as is always their tact – presuming that a woman reduce herself to ‘allow’ her man to win at something. The reality is that women want a Man who’s good at something because it serves to gratify women’s innate narcissism as a source of associative pride for her. Women want a Man other men want to be, and other women want to fuck, and in the context of an LTR or marriage, a guy with an exceptional, recognized talent or passionate dedication to something, however compartmentalized it is, can be all the reminder she needs to help validate her decision to commit to that Man.

As nice as it is to have a mate that shares your interests, a relationship based on how alike the couple is only leads to homogenization and stagnation.

 


22 responses to “Compatibility

  • Traveller

    I agree, if you want a LTR common beliefs are very importants. Much more than hobbies or interests (instead, it is better have different hobbies; where did I read when husband and wife are in the same company, it is danger?)

    Beliefs: same religious or spiritual vision, same political views, same global views of the universe, the life, the nature, the society. Otherwise, sooner or later…

  • YOHAMI

    Excellent stuff.

    “You see, whenever a Man engages in any leisure activity, passion, hobby, etc. that doesn’t directly benefit his wife / GF it’s always perceived as a waste of time. If she cannot realize a tangible result that benefits her – or by way of her, the potential “family” or the “relationship” – your effort is pointless and frivolous in contrast to engaging her, entertaining her or relating with her.”

    Does that happen in your relationship? Im facing that a lot in my LTR

  • primallykosher

    Would shared beliefs be like the same religion, social viewpoint (indivualism vs collectivism), diet lifestyle?

  • itsme

    great post rollo.

  • Vae Victus

    As a wise man once said, if you can’t make the mortgage payment, it won’t matter that you both like the color red…

  • Brian

    “Your home should be your ‘Man-Cave’”

    Amen to that. I cringe when I see “men” allow themselves to be pushed out of home into their “man cave” in the garage, or some other remote part of the house.

  • Brian

    “I think in general people place far too much importance on “common interests” as if it’s some kind of glue that should hold a relationship together. ”

    I took me two divorces, and a lot of bad relationships outside of those marriages, to figure this one out. After the second divorce, I started taking a much closer look at the couples I knew that had been together 20 years or more, and were clearly still happily married. Those couples generally had three things in common: similar values, they communicated well, and both of them continued to work to stay desireable. Very few of them had ANY common interests at all, outside of some overlap in the movies and tv that they’d watch.

  • Good Luck Chuck

    The same eHarmony feminized bullshit that leads men to believe that they need to have a bunch of common interests with a woman also leads them to believe that they need a woman who can “keep up with them intellectually”. Men these days eschew the younger, hotter, tighter women because they grow up believing that they need someone who they can “relate to”, who has had similar “life experiences”.

    Fuck all that noise. Men are so pussy whipped and brainwashed these days that they actually believe this stuff. You were put on this earth to bring a woman into YOUR world. You should feel pity or even disgust for a 35 year old globetrotting single career girl. Doesn’t matter that you are a 35 year old single globetrotting male who has been to the same really cool places.

  • DerHahn

    Amen, Brian. I hosed over a marriage and an LTR in part by giving up on things I wanted to be doing, including things like exercising to stay in shape. Dumb mistake. The other thing I’ve learned is that my activities need to be *my* activities, not another one of her projects.

  • Anton

    Those couples generally had three things in common: similar values, they communicated well, and both of them continued to work to stay desireable. Very few of them had ANY common interests at all, outside of some overlap in the movies and tv that they’d watch.

    Gold.

  • Flahute

    I wish that every man would read this blog daily. Top ranking, dead-on, Rollo. I agree with everything you said about compatibility here, but I want to expand on a point you made:

    You see, whenever a Man engages in any leisure activity, passion, hobby, etc. that doesn’t directly benefit his wife / GF it’s always perceived as a waste of time. If she cannot realize a tangible result that benefits her – or by way of her, the potential “family” or the “relationship” – your effort is pointless and frivolous in contrast to engaging her, entertaining her or relating with her. . . . The reality is that women want a Man who’s good at something because it serves to gratify women’s innate narcissism as a source of associative pride for her.

    I learned this lesson early in my marriage. When I married, my hobbies were kayaking (whitewater and sea) and backpacking. My extended trips were never a problem when we were dating or early in the marriage. After we had our first child, however, things changed (damn things changed). Extended trips no longer fit my lifestyle with a newborn, so I replaced kayaking with a more local sport, cycling. It resonated strongly with me, soon became my passion, and I began racing competitively.

    At first, she had a problem with this new sport because it didn’t serve her agenda in any way. She didn’t recognize that she was married to an athlete who craves adventure in whatever form it takes. She complained about my long training rides when I was out “riding my bike” (as if I weren’t busting my ass following a training plan). She never came to the races or asked me how the races went. 10-15 hours a week away from “my share” of the parenting was a problem for her equalist, feminist world view. I knew that I needed to be active, to be competitive, to feel alive, and to give that up would be to die, so I kept at it, despite how it affected my marriage.

    It wasn’t until I told her that I had achieved a top 10 ranking in the state and eventually achieved 1st in state that she took notice. After that I would overhear her bragging about my success, my wins, describing me as “hard-core” and telling people how I rode 8 thousand miles a year. Suddenly all those training hours weren’t such a problem for her when I was winning, because it gratified her innate narcissism.

  • dc1000

    “Men need to be able to excel in certain areas or activities in their lives that serve as a renewable source of social proof for the women they pair-bond with. ”

    Another piece of pure gold from this article. Thank you.

  • Sam

    I have a couple of buddies who have been (almost) completely emasculated in their marriages. They have very nice wives, but when I hang out with the pairs, I tend to sense an underlining control issue with their women. Which should have been axed by my male friends’ at the beginning of the relationship. Now, they’re stuck. Man caves, doing what she wants to serve her own agenda is par for the course. Frankly, its nauseating. But what really brings this whole issue home is that these women (through my development of implementing and understanding the Crimson Arts) all have a contemptuous attitude regarding their husbands’ beta male responses. I observe it all the time. And unfortunately, my buds think I’m the crazy one.

    It just goes to show that if you present and act with a positive masculine mindset, your wife, girlfriend, FWB, ect. will respect you more than if you turn into a doormat for her ego.

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  • Nummm

    @Flahute

    Oh man, that’s so two faced.

  • Flahute

    It’s hypergamous.

  • houseofjacques

    The nature of women in a nutshell?

  • Sasha

    Objectives of the relationship must be compatible – be it children, fucking like rabbits, saving the world, etc – while the skills/abilities brought to it should be complementary.

  • Tim

    I was eating dinner with a friend and his fiance awhile back. He had great passion for baseball and was a high school baseball coach in a small town. At dinner his fiance (now ex-wife) says, “After we’re married, the coaching stuff has to go.” I about spit out my food and unfortunately I didn’t say anything. I thought about saying when we were alone, “Get out now — run, run, run.” I didn’t, his wife and him had a kid, she moved 300 miles away with the kid, they share custody once a month, they each drive 150 miles for the kid drop-off. She talked him into a bad financial scheme, he paid for it with 5 days in jail, she got off the hook and spent no time in jail.

    He would’ve been better keeping his interest, that of baseball, rather than doing anything with that woman. He’d been happier as a single, even lonely baseball coach than married to that thing. I saw him a month ago, he’s much happier … and coaching baseball again.

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