Plate Theory II: Non-Exclusivity

Women would rather share a high value Man than be saddled by a faithful loser.

“I just started applying Plate Theory, and I have to say with all honesty that this is probably the best thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. The feeling of having options is addictive; the whole idea that you don’t come from a necessitous emotional state is genius, and in fact the more options you have, the more attractive you become to women (through the unconscious changes in your behavior), the more women become attracted to you, and the more options you have. Once you get it started, it’s hard to stop it.

Recently I’ve been Spinning Plates with some success, but there comes a point when I risk one girl finding out about another. How do I handle this without the risk of losing one of my plates? Should I even bother with the effort of spinning plates that aren’t as high a value as others?”

Real options are the cornerstone of confidence, so try not to think of it in terms of risk – as in you’re risking the loss of “a great girl”. Most guys get to a point where Game and plate spinning give them their first taste of real options to select from or fall back on when another doesn’t pan out. The problem arises when they spin enough plates successfully to the point where they think they’ve maxed out to their “best” option and the old scarcity mentality returns. Most times a guy who newly practices Game and plate spinning never really spins plates per se; he uses it for the first monogamous opportunity that’s been eluding him for so long and calls it quits. He never actualizes and internalizes an abundance mentality.

Spinning Plates doesn’t necessarily mean you’re fucking all of your plates. It’s more of a spreading out of your efforts across a wider pool of subjects. Some will reciprocate, and those you entertain. Others will not, or prove to be less desirable, and those you let fall. This isn’t as difficult as it sounds once you’ve established your own resolve to be non-exclusive. At some point women will attempt to corner you into exclusivity and this is where your resolve will be tested. Women love to say how they have Rules, well you must have Rules as well. This means not shacking up with a woman, not slipping into any routine with her, not calling her more than necessary to set up another sporadic date, saving your weekends for women who’ve had a proven IL in you (i.e. sex or intimacy) and relegating those who haven’t to Tuesdays & Wednesdays, etc. This may seem like a lot of micromanagement, but once you put it into practice in as pragmatic a way possible to accomodate your life you’ll find that the decisions you make regarding the plates you are choosing to spin will become automatic.

If you feel that you have something to lose with a particular girl, you’re no longer spinning plates – you’re thinking and approaching dating in terms of exclusivity. POOK’s great quote: “women would rather share a high value Man than be saddled by a faithful loser” A lot of guys (and almost every woman) have a big problem with the truth of this because they take it too literally. POOK was never suggesting that you overtly declare that you’ll be open to other options and that your girls should consciously be expected to accept this. Every woman takes this quote in this way, and with good reason because they don’t want to seem like an easy mark. When it’s on the table like that it unsurprisingly becomes an affront to their pride and self-worth. However, in practice, non-exclusivity has to be covert. It needs to be implied, not declared. Thus you see the truth in POOK’s observation – women’s behavior will bear him out. Imagination and competition anxiety paired with implied non-exclusivity are the tools for successful plate spinning.

Become the commodity she’s looking for.

A high value Man can spin plates, and sometimes those plates suspect there are, or know there are other plates in his rotation. They’ll tolerate it so long as he remains high enough value (or effectively presents that perception) or hypergamy wil move them along to another high value Man. As I state in Plate Theory, some plates fall off to be replaced by new plates. You must be willing and confident enough to let some of them fall. This is a tough reality for recovering chumps new to Game to accept. Deprivation has conditioned them to hang onto a “sure thing” and this becomes all the more difficult when the plate they happen to drop was the first woman they’d ever successfully applied Game to, or was hotter than any girl they’d previously been with.

As I stated earlier, you don’t have to be sexual with every one of the plates you’re spinning (this used to be called “dating” in the days before serial monogamy became the fashion). It’s the potential in knowing that you could be, or that there are women who will value your attention that prompts a competitive anxiety in women – often when you don’t even know you’re doing it. If you are sexual with some of the plates you’re spinning, so much the better since you know that they’re proven commodities and if one isn’t performing as you’d like, you have the unconscious knowledge that others will, or you have the proven ability to generate more options for yourself.

Monogamy is a byproduct, not a goal.

One of the biggest hurdles guys have with Plate Theory is breaking themselves of this ‘LTR-as-Goal’ mentality. Obviously I’m not anti-monogamy, however monogamy should never be a goal, it should be a by-product of Plate Theory, but only when you’ve properly filtered through enough plates to understand how options play into confidence and controlling the frame. If a woman is unwilling to be non-exclusive with you (i.e. “she’ll leave me if I see other girls” fear) she isn’t a plate to spin. This seems counterintuitive to a guy with an LTR-As-Goal mentality and it is, but the guy who can fearlessly, and honestly stay above-board with his intent is the one who’ll be spinning more plates. Most guys (AFCs in particular) are deathly afraid of losing that ONE perfect girl and so never even attempt to spin more than one plate, much less have any others to compare her ‘perfection’ to in the first place. I’ve even seen PUAs do exactly this. They’re so impressed with the success of newly perfected techniques that they settle for the ONE ‘dream girl’ and find that their attentions become valueless to her because she perceives she is his only option for intimacy, his script gets flipped on him, and he gets marginalized. It’s not a failure in technique, but rather a failure in his mindset.

So what do you do to establish your plates and be truly, and successfully, non-exclusive with women? Initially I’d suggest doing exactly what most women have perfected for the better part of their lifetimes, stay intentionally ambiguous. Women practice Plate Theory by default – they play the Coquette (hard to get), they know how to be ambiguous enough to keep their options open, but not so much as to let a guy’s interest fail. They naturally know that we only chase what runs away from us. They never commit fully, but still keep the carrot in front of the donkey.

Women communicate COVERTLY, with gesture, with looks, with veiled meanings – you have to communicate your intent to be non-exclusive COVERTLY. Never OVERTLY tell a woman you’ve got other plates than her spinning. Allow her to discover this by your mannerisms, your behaviors, and definitely by your availability to her. Create value through scarcity, don’t be so available to her, but just enough to keep her interest and allow her mind to consider that maybe you have other options. Even when you don’t, fomenting this anxiety is a VERY useful tool for you while you do get more plates to spin. Even the ambient confidence that comes from knowing you have a past, proven, ability to generate more sexual options for yourself will manifest itself in your personality and trigger this competition anxiety.

At some point a woman will resort to OVERT communications when she’s run out of options in her COVERT communications tool set. This is the point the anxiety becomes unbearable and the need for security forces her to be OVERT. This is usually the stage at which she’s ask something like “where is this going?” or “am I your girlfriend?” or she may even give you an ultimatum. See this for what it is, she feels powerless and this is a press to commit. This is the point at which you will end up as a “cheater” or you’ll continue to spin plates. You actually have a lot of options in this situation, in fact more than you will ever have with any individual woman. You can of course take the coward’s path and just agree to exclusivity with her, but in doing so you lose all options (for as far as you’re willing to commit) as she intently becomes your only means of intimacy. She becomes the broker for your sexuality and you lose power, whereas before YOU were in control of your sexual availability.

You could continue to spin her as well, but bear in mind she’s resorted to OVERTLY confronting you about it and it wont be the last you hear of it. Depending on how long you’ve had her around, you may simply just let her drop. You might also keep her going, but let her cool a bit and come back to her in a few week’s time. Again, this seems counterintuitive, but your attention will either wildly increase in her value of it or she’ll simply bug out in which case it wasn’t worth pursuing and you aren’t wasting your time and effort on a woman with less than 100% IL.

Confidence is derived from options.

Don’t think of plate theory as a filter so much as it is a means to reinforce confidence. If you were to step into the ring with a professional UFC fighter right now it’d probably be suicide for you. But train for a few years, spar with other fighters and win a few bouts and you’ll probably be confident enough in your past performances that you know you can hold your own in the ring. That’s the idea, confidence derived from the options of non-exclusive women in hand and from having successfully generated those options in the past.

It’s not a numbers game, it’s a non-exclusivity game. The goal isn’t racking up as many women as humanly possible in order to sift through the throng and find that one little golden flower. In fact that’s the key to disaster. There is no Quality Woman, that’s an idealization. Some are better than others of course, but you don’t find the perfect woman, you make the perfect woman. There is no needle in the haystack – that is Scarcity / ONEitis thinking – the point is to mold yourself and any woman who you do exclusively end up with into your own frame. This is a process that should come before you commit to exclusivity, not after. The world is filled with guys forever trying to catch up, control the frame and be the Man they should’ve been long before they entered an LTR. They spend the better part of their LTRs/Marriages trying to prove that they deserve their GF’s / Wife’s respect when they’d have done better in letting her come to that conclusion well before the commitment through a healthy dose of competition anxiety.


29 responses to “Plate Theory II: Non-Exclusivity

  • Cardy

    This post has changed my mind more than anything I’ve read, from you or other blogs, in a long time. Thanks!

  • walawala

    Best post ever.

    I can relate. Since I start exploring options my confidence with the girl I’m seeing has shot up.

    Gone are the late night bitching sessions. We hang out, it’s more fun. I’ve lined up other chicks.

    As the post suggest if you’ve got options and you’re sub-communicating that you’re ready but you always have a fall-back it flips the switch on a girl’s sense of entitlement. “Why isn’t he falling all over me? jerk!”

    Now if a girl isn’t paying enough attention, I walk away…because I can, because I have someplace better to go to instead of getting dragged into some emotional Dien Bien Phu.

    The minute you say you’ve got options, it sounds desperate.

    You have to start living your life this way….meeting other women, gaming them, seeing who shows interest and is worth more investment of your time. If you have more options, you don’t come off as needy and angry.

    You come off as cool, as engaged but not overly eager.

    Girls want to know you’re interested then they want you to back off….

  • A5toria

    Out of curiosity, what occurred one day for you to drop the plates and settle into an LTR?

    I’m not clear on a few things:

    If the man is of high quality, I’m assuming the woman are too (unless only men can be of high quality). What would make them stay %100 IL if there will likely be high quality men competing for their attention as well? It seems as though you only take into account the competitive plane for the men. Hypergamy is vast and it is rampant nowadays, need I remind you.

    In practice, the highest quality women, ie most attractive and feminine, would be the least patient in this entire ordeal especially if they are capable of attracting men of equal or higher quality men than the plate spinner that would otherwise commit to them. Doesn’t this present a problem to the interests of the spinner?

    Isn’t it a bit facetious that you’re asking men, who are still human beings btw, to completely renounce any modicum of desire and eventual “goal” to romantically bond monogamously to a woman whom they care about and love? The desire to eventually settle down and perpetuate the species with a woman worthy of carrying your offspring is still an inclination most male humans share.

    It seems a bit hasty to categorize men who eventually would like to achieve a LTR as automatically lower quality or cowards. (Especially when the majority of high quality men have and still do want to eventually settle down.) Humans are kind of programmed to seek out the best person who they can attract that likes them back. Life is only so long and we have a biological imperative to reproduce , yet it seems that you tend to downplay this imperative when it comes to male humans.

    Lastly, and this ties along with the whole renouncing of human emotions thing, people are prone to develop favorites. There will be women that the plate spinner will be more fond of and compatible with than others and will likely be a lot less willing to see them go. Being high quality as a man isn’t insurance for falling in love with a woman, is it?

    What if one of those women were to push for commitment, you’re suggesting that all men have the resolve to drop this woman and start anew because if he were to succumb she will then look at him as a lowly loser that has no other options? This is nihilism.

    All in all, I see where you’re going with this and I essentially agree with it in theory, but in practice, there will be real life events and human emotions that will prevent this from as smoothly as you describe especially in this current dating environment.

  • houseofjacques

    Some are better than others of course, but you don’t find the perfect woman, you make the perfect woman

    This blew my mind. Excellent post (I always say the same thing!)
    This sort of makes me see how to confidently take the decision to get into a LTR and eventually, marriage.

  • Rollo Tomassi

    Monogamy should be a byproduct of spinning plates, not the goal of it. It should be the next obvious step, but also the last resort. I’m not discounting the emotional investment guys make; that’s definitely an important factor to consider, but spinning plates, being non-exclusive, promotes confidence by options.

    Most men’s problems don’t result from becoming jaded social robots after having indulged in too many opportunities. Their problems result from having too few valid options and over-investing (emotionally or otherwise) in the only bad prospect they thought they’d get by destiny or necessity.

    I’ve got an upcoming post about transitioning from non-exclusivity to monogamy that’ll better flesh this out for you.

  • itsme

    What would make them stay %100 IL if there will likely be high quality men competing for their attention as well?

    my belief is that nothing in life is ever 100%. skew the odds in your favor as much as possible, but have contingencies for when things don’t work out.

    In practice, the highest quality women, ie most attractive and feminine, would be the least patient in this entire ordeal especially if they are capable of attracting men of equal or higher quality men than the plate spinner that would otherwise commit to them. Doesn’t this present a problem to the interests of the spinner?

    no, because a plate spinner isn’t planning on committing to one woman. that is the point of spinning plates.

    There will be women that the plate spinner will be more fond of and compatible with than others and will likely be a lot less willing to see them go.

    yes, well….that’s life. you’ll still have those fond memories of the women you’ve loved and lost. those memories aren’t there to hold you back and keep you pining away, they’re there to remind you that for as long as you have breath in your body, you can keep making more memories like them. plenty of plates in the dish rack.

  • houseofjacques

    Rollo, I got an idea for a post, if you don’t mind me sharing.

    I have a feeling that we newcomers of game & the red-pill worry a good deal about our reputation.

    “What will people think of me if I act dominantly with women?” “What will people think if I put them back in their place?”
    “What will happen if I refuse to concede when discussing with a woman and there’s people looking around?”
    “What if they see me hitting on girls at the bar and getting rejected?”

    These are questions I ask myself.
    Notice, too, that there’s only one pick-up question in there. I actually worry about what might happen if I just behave more dominantly in any social situation. Even more so given that my boss is a woman who doesn’t care about us a great deal and is always being unnecessarily bossy(I work in IT, where the mean are wimps and the women feel entitled)

    I’ve seen this issue being raised over Danger & Play, and I saw Roosh pop in on the subject saying that the “reputation issue” gets talked about a lot by beginners.

    I don’t know if you’ve covered this in any way -I think not- and I’m not sure if this is in any way relevant. But I figured it wouldn’t cause any harm to put the idea out there.

    Cheers.

  • Y

    Good stuff. Lots for me to think about.

    I’ve only recently started spinning plates. Although I’ve been in this scene for a while I never really had the courage to go all the way.

    Now that I am legitimately busy and have big goals I’m much more discerning and this naturally leads to more spinning and more qualification.

  • Good Luck Chuck

    Your ability to handle the opinions of other people is all part of the giant shit test. If you listen to what women and feminized men tell you about how important it is to be polite, you fail. If you ignore all the BS about what women say they want, grab your balls and TAKE what’s yours, you pass.

    When your eyes are open fully you will see that guilt, honor, duty, morality, etc. are things that are used AGAINST you to maintain control over you, and when you are finally able to operate outside of these constraints the universe will reward you.

  • dc1000

    do you practice what you preach?

    how many plates do you have spinning, 14 years or whatever into your happy marriage?

    i love your blog, and have always enjoyed your comments on the other notable blogs out there…so i trust your opinion

    ya think a year into a relationship with a bonafide 8.5 maybe 9 who is in her prime (25) and adores the alpha pig asshole in me (she called me a dick, a shithead and asshole last night before we fucked) I should start fucking other bitches on the side just to keep her in line? just to keep my mind right?

    i don’t have one-itis, but seriously, there aren’t many 9’s and 10’s walking around where I am..should I lower standards to accomplish this?

  • loveiseasy

    Well he did say that it’s not so much as having tons of women in your stable, it’s the subconscious affirmation of your worth that is achieved by simply having or knowing you can have other options. This subconscious affirmation will emanate from your actions, words, and body language.

    Even if you’re not actively seeking other options, having the knowledge that if it wasn’t her, it could very well be someone else in her place is multitudinous. If she were to start behaving badly or just upped and left you for another, more attractive guy (which judging from your rating of her is a very real possibility), you will not be as devastated and suffer from a severe drop in self esteem because you’re fully aware that if you can attract a woman of that caliber, you can attract more. It’s all about confidence.

  • YOHAMI

    In my experience you can do this overtly. Yes I bang other girls. I have 8 girlfriends. You are number 6.

  • dc1000

    I should qualify this with the fact that we do live together.

    She is so love struck that she is not going anywhere. We just finished another session (and now she’s in the kitchen making dinner) and from the way she snuggled and cooed and went on and on, I know she’s only got eyes for me.

    I do know very well that I could replace her in time, and at the very least could have several women in the pipeline with very little effort.

    She knows this.

    After reading the OP again, I’m left with a confusion. Is it just the confidence that one can get another to replace the current that matters? Or is it actually spinning multiple plates?

    Before I met this one, I had three long term girls working simultaneously. they knew about eachother and it was working, minus the occasional hiccup. So i know what to do. but, as soon as I got with this current girl, all desire to bang those other broads went away and i’ve been exclusive ever since.

  • houseofjacques

    I’d still like to see Rollo’s take on the subject. I’ve read somewhere else that he works with a lot of women, and I think that being dominant and strong and all that is a bit more difficult than just grabbing your balls and going for what you want in such an environment.

    I think that being alpha in society is a lot more difficult than just grabbing your balls and kicking ass. People will try to break you in very subtle (and not so subtle) ways. So I wonder about the actual consequences of being a strong man who doesn’t back down easily (be it against men or women), because from experience a lot of people will want you to backpedal and be polite.

  • Thumpy

    Is that you Hugh Hefner?

  • A.B. Dada

    Great post, Rollo.

    I’ve always been a plate spinner — the two times I didn’t spin plates was over two hot broads (one who I married), and both of them begged me to give up seeing other women, then cheated on me and the relationships expired.

    Being ambiguous is good. If I’m challenged on it by a broad I’m seeing, I tell her straight up: “I’ve yet to meet any one woman that I feel can keep up with me.” If they continue shit testing, like “Not even me?” I just smile and change subjects.

    The fact is, every woman I’ve dated long term (some in the realm of a decade, even) has loved the fact that other women flirt with me, spend time with me, etc. If a woman gets too jealous, I let the plate drop — it’s probably not going to break any more than it already had.

    I do tend to go through severe one-itis modes about every 10 years or so. Had it when I was 14, 24 and 34. Weird — and very dysfunctional.

  • Rollo Tomassi

    I tend to avoid involving my own personal accounts in my analysis of social dynamics and observations on this blog and the forums I post on. I do this for two reasons.

    The first is that anytime you involve yourself in the equation, you use some personal anecdote or you draw some universal conclusion based on your own experience, the first thing anyone suspects of you is bias. I know I do, since it tends to be the first thing most women will resort to as “proof of fact” when offering their own opinions. As a matter of course, bias is really going to be unavoidable in any opinion, but you’ll tend to paint a much larger target on yourself if your first (or only) source of validity in the point you’re making is your own experiences. It’s far too easy for readers to misinterpret what I’d offer as glossing myself or use as some evidence to write off my analyses as some backlash of being bitter about a past experience.

    The second is due to the nature of what I post. It’s an unfortunate reality of the manosphere that the Men involved often need to protect their identities for fear of “real world” retaliation. Actually I think I’m one of the more accessible voices of the ‘community’, however it’s no secret that the vindictiveness (or batshit craziness) of some people have been the undoing of many a manosphere blogger’s personal and professional relationships.

    So, to answer your question, do I spin plates in my 15 year marriage? Not in the same way you’re implying, but yes. I’ve worked in the liquor industry as a primary creator and developer of brands for 8 years. I have no doubt you’ve heard of and probably sampled brands I’m responsible for at your favorite club or bar. Good Luck Chuck and Deep Dish know me IRL and can vouch that it’s been a regular part of my career to be surrounded by exceptionally beautiful women in promoting my brands. Am I banging these women? No. However, I know, and Mrs. Tomassi knows the nature of what I do – we’re both mature enough to accept that it’s what I do. We both know that I have real opportunities. I’m a guy that doesn’t cheat, but I’m also a guy that could cheat. Roissy would call this ‘Dread’, but I don’t think it needs to be as melodramatic as that.

  • dc1000

    Thanks for the reply.

  • YOHAMI

    Nope, but same concept

  • Most guys are deathly afraid of losing that ONE perfect girl and so never even attempt to spin more than one plate « Rivelino in Spain

    [...] plate theory, part 2: Most guys (AFCs in particular) are deathly afraid of losing that ONE perfect girl and so never [...]

  • Plate Theory IV: Goal-State Monogamy «

    [...] for fear that they discover each other. The plate spinning Man has no need for this, because he NEVER IMPLIES EXCLUSIVITY TO ANY PLATE. Either they accept this or they’re not a plate to consider. Done in a frank, honest, yet [...]

  • Raza Dell

    Rollo, you have a gift of disentangling the irrational mindfuck that is the Matrix into simple theories with sensible actionable steps that give context and foresight into future outcomes. Almost as if to provide alternate (and undesirable) endings if the theory was not followed. I subscribed to plate theory, but was falling off due to premature oneitis.. Now I see the light. And holy fuck it’s bright.

  • Rollo Tomassi

    Welcome to the other side.

  • Year One «

    [...] Plate Theory II [...]

  • Team-Red

    This is exactly what I needed to know. Thank You

  • Polygyni « Yasers hörna

    [...] [Plate Theory II: Non-Exclusivity] [...]

  • SexyArabMan

    What percentage of women would actually be open to long term non-exclusivity?

    Surely the majority wouldn’t no matter how high value the man and those that would are low quality; they’re overly submissive and have an abundance mentality to match.

    I’m not sure i’d want a woman like that.

  • Sherpa

    Great post! thanks for giving me inspiration to not be pressured into exclusivity with a hot new girl I’m dating.

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