Plate Theory III: Transitioning

You cannot help anyone until you’ve first helped yourself.

The following was posted with permission from a consult I did.

Hi Rollo, my name is Akash and I am big fan of your posts. They are always lucid, logical, and insightful.

I discovered the community about 5 months ago after yet another failed relationship characterized by highly AFC behavior on my part. I ended it with a tremendous amount of guilt as I felt that because she was a “good person” I ought to have made it work even though I wasn’t in love with her. I am 27 years old.

Based on your posts I would really appreciate your advice on two issues:
(1) how to make the best use of my impending return to school in May for a second undergraduate degree and;
(2) how to overcome the cognitive dissonance I feel about pursuing women outside the confines of a committed relationship as I still suffer from social conditioning that tells me I will hurt women by pursuing primarily sexual relationships with them and so it is immoral to do so.

If you would like to post a reply on the forum, rather than by a PM, for the benefit of others that is fine with me. I wanted to direct these queries to you though as I believe I could benefit from your worldy wise opinion.

Sincerely look forward to hearing from you.



I’ll give you a run down of what I can gather from your initial post, but understand that what you’ve given me here is pretty limited as far as information is concerned. I can only assume certain things from the very brief description of your life so take what I write with that in mind. In the future give me a better account of what your AFC behaviors were, how your relationships have ended, family background, where you live, why you’re pursuing a second degree, etc. I can be more accurate and avoid assumptions this way.

To begin with, you’ve only been involved in the “community” for the past 5 months so the first thing I’m going to tell you is that it takes time to mold your personality and unlearn mental schemas you’ve become conditioned to consider integral parts of your current personality. One of the biggest obstacles most men have with accepting the fundaments of a positive masculine mindset is the attitude that personality is static and uncontrollable by them. A lot of this “that’s just how I am” mentality comes from this basic conditioning and needs to be addressed from the outset since this almost universally is an ego-investment on the part of a guy who’s probably emotionally distressed, confused and/or frustrated.

Understand now that personality is ultimately what YOU determine it to be. This isn’t to say that external factors don’t influence personality; indeed these variables and outside influences are exactly the reason men such as yourself do seek out the community. However, it is you who determine what is comfortable for you and what will constitute the traits that makes your personality your own. You are most definitely not a blank slate, but you have the capacity to erase parts you don’t like or are unusable and rewrite new parts that you like and prove efficient.

(1) how to make the best use of my impending return to school in May for a second undergraduate degree

This all depends on what your own personal goals are. The best use you can make of this time is to devote yourself completely to achieving the purpose for which you decided to pursue a second degree in the first place. I can only assume you are working for this degree with a set outcome in mind, but is this what you truly want? I ask this because I know far too many men who’ve altered the course of their lives to better accommodate the women in their lives or to facilitate their insecurities and fear of rejection. It’s not an unfamiliar story to me to hear of how a guy opted for a certain university or a career path because he’d convinced himself that it would sustain a relationship that he was fearful of loosing or he felt was his “responsibility as a man” to be supportive of her ambitions at the sacrifice of his own. The conclusion of this scenario, more often than not, ends with a bitter man, mad at himself with the long term results of his choices after the woman he’d strived so long to accommodate leaves him for another man who held fast to his own identity and ambition – which is exactly what makes him attractive.

I’m not sure how or if this fits into your conditions, but let it serve as an illustration for reclaiming and remolding your own personality. Only you have the hindsight to assess why you made certain decisions in your life. I’m only asking you to be as brutally critical of your true motivations for making them. Maybe it’s time you review why you decided to pursue a second degree?

(2) how to overcome the cognitive dissonance I feel about pursuing women outside the confines of a committed relationship as I still suffer from social conditioning that tells me I will hurt women by pursuing primarily sexual relationships with them and so it is immoral to do so.

Akash, any reasonably attractive woman knows you’d like to have sex with her. It’s a primal, chemical instinct and to be bluntly honest, there’s nothing wrong with it. In certain Muslim sects men are allowed to take “temporary” wives for a set period of time in addition to their “permanent” wives so long as they support them financially. Some Mormons practice open polygamy in a similar fashion. Some men marry and divorce multiple times (and support them congruously). All of these practices are considered, to a greater or lesser degree, moral. The dissonance occurs when the rationalizations for a behavior conflict with the motivations for it and the associative psycho-social stigmas that get attached to it. Sorry for the $10 words here, but your feelings of guilt or hesitancy in a desire to explore multiple relationships is a calculated result of a very effective social conditioning with a latent purpose meant to curb a natural impulse.

Recognizing this is the first step to progressing beyond it and actually using it (responsibly) to your own advantage. As men, our biological impetus is to have unlimited access to unlimited sexuality with females bearing the best physical attributes. This is a rudimentary fact and on some level of consciousness both men and women understand this. No amount of proselytizing or social conditioning will erase what God and evolution hard-coded into our collective bio-psychological desires and behaviors. Admittedly, social conventions have historically made a good run at limiting this drive, but it can never (nor should it ever) purge this, because in essence it is a survival-ensuring attribute for us.

I wont argue against the utility in the latent purpose of absolute monogamy. No other method proves more valuable in parental investment and developing a strong masculine and feminine psyche in a person than that of a committed, opposite sex, two-parent family. I feel it’s necessary to add here that I am thoroughly unconvinced that gender identity is exclusively a set of learned behaviors as many in the mainstream would try to convince us of. There is simply too much biological evidence and the resulting psychological/behavioral response to gender differences to accept this, making it vitally important that a child (and later a healthy adult) be taught a healthy appreciation for both the masculine and feminine influences in their psyches.

The genders were meant to be complimentary, not adversarial. I certainly would never condone infidelity based on just this principle alone since it seems the most beneficial for healthy adults. It’s when this healthy monogamy becomes clouded by infantile, emotionality and insecure romanticisms with the resulting expectations that are derived by them that it becomes necessary for a man to cultivate an attitude of being the PRIZE. Adopting this mindset broadens his selection of opportunities for monogamy to his greatest advantage prior to committing to monogamy. In other words, if you are essentially sacrificing your capacity to pursue your biological imperative (unlimited access to unlimited sexuality), pragmatically, you’ll want to choose a partner of the highest quality from the broadest pool of potential you are capable of attracting.

The downside of this proposition is twofold. First, your ability to attract a sizable pool of quality ‘applicants’ is limited by factors you immediately have available. At 37, if all goes well, you’ll be more financially stable and mature than you are at 27. The 37 year old Akash will, in theory, be more attractive to a long term prospect than the 27 year old Akash. Secondly, women’s sexual value decreases as they age, meaning there is no guarantee that your beautiful, vivacious, 27 year old bride will remain so at 37. In fact the odds are she wont.

All of this makes betting your biological imperative on monogamy critically important and thus deserving of the widest possible selection.

Men literally live and die according to their options, so it stands to reason they ought to entertain a prolonged period in their lives where they are open to exploring the most options they have access to while concurrently developing and improving themselves prior to making a commitment of this magnitude.

And this is precisely where most men fail. They buy into and internalize psychological social contrivances (i.e. ONEitis) that are little more than effective means of inculcating a self-expectation of accountability and liability to make this commitment, irrespective of maturity level or personal success (not simply financial success). The saddest ones, the AFC ones are the pitiable men who carry these contrivances into marriage and even old age without ever understanding that they had more potential which they squandered due to an inability to see past these contrivances and learn to be selective based on experience.

A truly powerful Man jealously guards his most precious resources; his independence and his ability to maneuver. In other words his options and his ability to exercise them. True power isn’t controlling others, but the degree to which you control the course of your own life and your own choices. Commitment to anything ALWAYS limits this. When you step through one door, a hundred more close behind you. You’re free to do what you want, right? You can always quit a job, divorce a wife, change your school, etc., but how many men do you know who are what they are today as a result of their own real doing, unfettered by how their choices impact their GF, wife, kids, parents, etc.? By comparison, how many guys do you know who dutifully stick with a dead-end job that’s slowly killing them because it’s better than dealing with the consequences and backlash it would have on his family? Are they free to quit? Sure, but not without an impact on their families and relationships.

So where does this leave you? You have 2 paths as I see it. You can sarge and explore your options with multiple LTRs and, should you decide to become sexually involved, do so while maintaining non-exclusivity with them. Put off and unlearn the expectations you’ve been conditioned to accept through (feminine beneficent) social contrivances and truly explore your opportunities while bettering your own conditions in anticipation for becoming monogamous at some later point. Or, you can remain in your sense of moral doctrine (no shame in this) and still non-exclusively date and explore your options while you continue to better yourself with the caveat that you know you’ll be limiting your depth of experience. I wont denigrate a decision to opt for this, but far too few religious men have the perseverance to stay objective in their decision to ‘hold out’ and overlook major character flaws in women they’d like to be their spouse in a furious rush to marry them and get to “the sex part.” Better to fall short in conviction than make hurried decisions that will alter your life.

And perhaps this isn’t even what you’re driving at? I don’t know if it’s a religious conviction or an internalized social contrivance that passes for one that’s the cause of your hesitancy, but isn’t it interesting that both are so closely associated? I know devout atheists who still believe in the fallacy of the ONE or the soulmate myth. Most women (and far too many men) look at me as if I’d denied the existence of God when I elaborate on why I think their eHarmony, induced fantasy of a soulmate is hogwash and psychologically damaging on a social scale.

Regardless, whatever your reasons, women should only ever be a compliment to a man’s life, never the focus of it. When you start living for a woman you become that woman. Never again compromise your own identity to receive the ever-changing approval she grants you. You have to be the PRIZE at all times, not just while you’re single. In fact, it’s imperative that you remain so into an LTR. My suggestion to you is not to even entertain the idea of monogamy until you are established in your career for 2 years, after your college is complete. Play the field, do whatever, but do not commit even to a girlfriend. Rather make a commitment to yourself, promise yourself you wont allow yourself to let emotionality and conditioned expectations of monogamy dictate what your goals will be or how you’ll achieve them.

It’s called enlightened self-interest; you cannot help anyone until you’ve first helped yourself.

Published by Rollo Tomassi

Author of The Rational Male and The Rational Male, Preventive Medicine

18 comments on “Plate Theory III: Transitioning

  1. Hi Rollo,

    I understand how you have to make this change in mindset. Since I started studying game and following the manosphere, I’ve been much more successful with women because I know I’ve come across as less needy, more alpha, but I don’t understand specifically how to build the mythical soft harem.

    If you see multiple girls for a while, eventually, one or more of them are going to ask for a monogamous commitment, but how do I convince multiple girls to stay non-exclusive? This is the aspect of the “transition” that alludes me.

    1. You don’t convince them. Either they take what you’ve given them or you let them go.

      And as Rollo has stated before, you never communicate this with your words, but with your actions.

      For example, if they start nagging you for commitment, cool their jets and start seeing them/talking to them less. Hang out with other girls instead for awhile. They will start blowing up your phone, wondering where your are, and missing you. There are plenty of options.

  2. this is something that’s really changed since I was in college and seeing multipile girls. Whenever I did this, someone would find out about the other(s), get mad, and swear me off. I wasn’t dishonest about it. I would just get the “I thought we were BF and GF/serious/exclusive” argument.

  3. Reading things like Akashs story makes me glad that I opened my eyes at my age of 23. I was also a serial LTR Guy until my last one. I cant even begin to fathom it anymore. The whole problem was with the feminists ideas my mother shoved down my throat when I was a teen. Being raised by women made the biggest(literally, I was fat!) Beta I ever knew. Ever since my last LTR I hit the gym, leaned out, moved out on my own and while I still haven’t established a harem I have been making progress in raising my value as a male.

    Looking back now opened my eyes to all my beta behaviour and how much shit I put up with for these females. It makes me sick when I see my closest friends gearing up to marry these bitchy girls, I commend and scold them for putting up with them. They will be stuck with them and divorce is not fun. I’ve never been married and I don’t plan to but I know the horror stories and problems that it causes. Those poor fools.

    Akash shoud definitely work on himself. Make yourself a high value male and you will succeed. We know women have selection and are free to do what and who they please without consequence a man would face. Why can’t you?

  4. Good post, but I think this question about getting over the conditioning that tells a man that he will hurt women if he does this or that needs to be explored further:

    “(2) how to overcome the cognitive dissonance I feel about pursuing women outside the confines of a committed relationship as I still suffer from social conditioning that tells me I will hurt women by pursuing primarily sexual relationships with them and so it is immoral to do so.”

    I never had much of a problem with Oneitis. Probably because I never believed in “The One”. A bigger problem for me was getting past the idea that I would destroy poor little Kupcake’s entire existence if I were to so much as look at another woman, let alone flirt with someone else, date someone else, or god forbid fuck another woman, even if we weren’t “exclusive”.

    I’m not sure why I didn’t come to realize this earlier in life as I witnessed multiple women cheating on me with no remorse, or moving on to another guy the week after our long term relationship ended, but it took me quite some time to fully realize that not only are women more likely to be the one to inflict emotional damage, but they are also better equipped to deal with the fallout if they are on the receiving end.

    The worst thing you can do as a man is to fall into the trap of believing that you owe a woman something simply by virtue of her gender. The idea that sparing a woman’s feelings will cause her to lose attraction whereas looking out for your own interests at the expense of hers will increase her attraction is counter intuitive, but as any asshole will tell you, it is most certainly true.

    Women will deny this to their death bed, but sleeping with her best friend or dumping her 3 days before valentines day (or dating other women while you are seeing her) will more than likely INCREASE her attraction toward you, whereas lavishing her with undue respect and courtesy is one of the fastest ways to make her run for the hills.

  5. Agree with Chuck here. Be sparing in your compliments, virtue, gifts and favors with women you are fucking. Make them earn it and when they do, don’t overdue it. Don’t compliment, pedestal or play pretty princess with women you aren’t fucking. AFCs and suckers validate women. Don’t be those guys and she may wonder why you don’t, or not and that’s the attitude you should have: it doesn’t matter what she thinks.

    1. Nah.

      Evolution is completely indisputable.
      But primordial soup theory is filled with more than a dash of speculation, and I think tastes better served with a few dashes of deity.

  6. Pingback: Year One «
  7. I read a lot. I can honestly tell you the number of times I’ve felt compelled to comment on a post… None. I am not trying to stroke your ego here, but these posts are genius. Your intelligent and it shows. You fill the gap for the more cerebrally inclined.

    Beyond teaching men how to engage the opposite sex meaningfully, more importantly, I think your teaching men how to build their confidence and gain self-respect, which are life skills that transcend any potential relationship. Great work. Keep it up.

  8. Or, you can remain in your sense of moral doctrine (no shame in this) and still non-exclusively date and explore your options while you continue to better yourself with the caveat that you know you’ll be limiting your depth of experience. I wont denigrate a decision to opt for this, but far too few religious men have the perseverance to stay objective in their decision to ‘hold out’ and overlook major character flaws in women they’d like to be their spouse in a furious rush to marry them and get to “the sex part.”

    Behavioral economics can help in this instance too:
    The problem has an elegant solution. The optimal stopping rule prescribes always rejecting the first {\displaystyle n/e} n/e applicants after the interview (where e is the mathematical constant) and then stopping at the first applicant who is better than every applicant interviewed so far (or continuing to the last applicant if this never occurs). Sometimes this strategy is called the {\displaystyle 1/e} 1/e stopping rule, because the probability of stopping at the best applicant with this strategy is about {\displaystyle 1/e} 1/e already for moderate values of {\displaystyle n} n. One reason why the secretary problem has received so much attention is that the optimal policy for the problem (the stopping rule) is simple and selects the single best candidate about 37% of the time, irrespective of whether there are 100 or 100 million applicants. In fact, for any value of {\displaystyle n} n the probability of selecting the best candidate when using the optimal policy is at least {\displaystyle 1/e} 1/e.

  9. This is amazing, thanks Rollo. As a 26 yr old guy who got out of a LTR this helps so much. I feel like finally I am getting out of my blue pill conditioning, after being red pilled so to say a few years ago. I can’t wait to spin plates again and increase my value over the years. It’s honestly the best option for guys under 30 or have little experience with women.

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