Average Frustrated Chump

In the “community” there’s a lot of want for better terms. One of the major obstacles in the average guy’s path to unplugging is really coming to terms with the ‘terms’ we use. Somewhere on the net I’m sure there’s a glossary of the common acronyms used in the “manosphere” (I hate that term too) outlining the various shorthand we use. Some of these terms have gone mainstream and I’m beginning to see even “legitimate” online journalists use LTR (long term relationship) or ONS (one night stand) somewhat regularly, meaning there’s a common perception that others will already know what they mean.

The reason this is a hurdle for a lot of plugged-in guys is because it seems almost juvenile, like a treehouse club for preteen boys. For me to draw comparisons of an acculturated, feminine social paradigm to the central plot of the Matrix movies, admittedly, on the surface that seems kind of silly. It’s an apt comparison and a useful allegory when you understand the concepts behind it, but for a guy just coming to grasp it while being immersed in a feminine-primary socialization for his whole life, it dosen’t click. And predictably, women invested in that same socialization see the terminology as little more than little boys holed up in their treehouse, throwing rocks at the girls below.

However, like any new developing science or art or technology there is always going to be a need to codify abstract concepts. We lack better terms so we’re forced to create new ones to represent new concepts.

The AFC – average frustrated chump – was coined almost a decade ago with Mystery method. It’s seen a lot of modification over the years, becoming almost synonymous the use of the term Beta (beta male) or Herb (herbivorous male). In fact, although I use it often, I rarely read AFC in PUA blogs, forums or the ‘community’ at large. Regardless of the terminology, the concept is really the crux of the term. Most AFCs, most guys looking in from the outside, can relate to the idea of what an average frustrated chump is – they can identify with it. Once they begin unplugging, the AFC idea comes into better focus and, usually with some discomfort, they realize how that term applies to themselves:

Qualities of an AFC

  • ONEitis – First and foremost.
  • Subscribes to feminine idealizations.
  • Supplication is supportive. To comply with gender equalism she must increase, so he must decrease, regardless of how subtly this is realized.
  • The Savior Schema –reciprocation of intimacy for problems solved.
  • The Martyr Schema – the more you sacrifice the more it shows devotion.
  • The ‘Friends’ Debt – LJBF and the pseudo-friendship as a means to prospective intimacy.
  • Primarily relies on dating and social skills (or lack thereof) developed during adolescence and early adulthood
  • A behavioral history that illustrates a mental attitude of ‘serial monogamy’ and the related insecurities that accompany it.
  • A belief that women infallibly and consciously recognize what they want, and honestly convey this to them, irrespective of behaviors that contradict this. Uses deductive reasoning in determining intent and bases female motivations on statements rather than objectively observing behavior. Believes women’s natural propensity is for rational rather than emotional thought.
  • An over-reliance on rejection Buffers.
  • Believes in the Identification Myth. The more alike he is, or can make himself, with his idealized female the better able he will be to attract and secure her intimacy. Believes that shared common interests are the ONLY key to attraction and enduring intimacy.
  • Believes and practices the “not like other guys” doctrine of self-perceived uniqueness, even under the condition of anonymity.
  • Considers LDRs (long distance relationships)  a viable option for prolonged intimacy.
  • Maintains an internalized belief in the qualifications and characterizations of women that coincide with his ability (or inability) to attract them. Ergo, he self-confirms the “ she’s out of my league” and the “she’s a loose slut” mentalities on-the-fly to reinforce his position for his given conditions.
  • Harbors irrational (often socially reinforced) fears of long term solitude and alters his mind-set to accommodate or settle for a less than optimal short term relationship – often with life long consequences.
  • The AFC will confirm a belief in egalitarian equality between the genders without consideration for variance between the genders. Ergo, men make perfectly acceptable feminine models and women make perfectly acceptable masculine models. Due to societal pressures he unconsciously self-confirms androgyny as his goal state.

This is anything but a comprehensive list. There are far more, but my intent here isn’t to provide you with a list of criteria that qualifies an AFC (“you might be a chump if,..”), rather it’s to give you some basic understanding to clarify the term, and round out the idea of what an AFC is. Needless to say these mental schema are some of the impediments to unplugging, or helping another man unplug, from his old way of thinking. As I’m fond of repeating, unplugging chumps from the Matrix is dirty work. Expect to be met with a LOT of resistance, but understanding what dynamics you may harbor yourself or those that a friend might cling to will help you in moving past the years of social conditioning. It’s thankless work, and more often than not you’ll also be facing a constant barrage of shit tests (from both women and feminized men) and ridicule in your efforts. Be prepared for it. Unplugging chumps is triage – save those you can, read last rites to the dying.


51 responses to “Average Frustrated Chump

  • YOHAMI

    And this is the guy who cant take the advice of “be yourself”, because his self is nowhere to be found.

  • ♠A

    Excellent post. The first thing that got me moving away from AFC status had nothing to with the PUA community. It was a book titled ‘No More Mr. Nice Guy’ by Dr. Robert Glover. I wish it had been written and available 15 years earlier than it was. The point I’m stumbling to make is this: I believe much of the resistance we encounter from older guys like ourselves (early 30’s and up) is the fact that, not only must they change, but they must realize such a significant chunk of their lives was effectively stolen from them via lies and misinformation. I didn’t and don’t resist the changes. But they are very hard to make as each one shows how very many of my best years were squandered (simply because we were was listening to our parents and teachers as we believed was our duty) – never to return. This brings me to the reason I prefer your blog to Roissy’s (though I read his regularly and he *is* brilliant, as well): you have sympathy for those of us still working at change/refusing to live in denial. Not pity, per se, but an outlook that conveys the belief beating the man down further will not aid his growth.

    Side note: If I recall correctly, wasn’t Rollo Tomassi a fictitious person (a code phrase, if you will) in L.A. Confidential?

  • Fred Woodbridge

    Oh yes, on the nose! When I realize how much of my life was spent being a humongous chode, years I will never get back, I weep.

  • Good Luck Chuck

    Every time I hear this whole alpha/beta thing being thrown around in relation to the PUA community it makes my skin crawl.

    I’m sure it was originally borrowed as an option to the nerdy sounding “AFC”, but the problem is that it has been bastardized by the community to the point where you have the highbrow geeks arguing over whether or not the President of the United States in alpha or beta. Really?

    I prefer to use the term “high value male” (as in high sexual market value) to distinguish a guy who gets laid from a guy who doesn’t. The word “alpha” doesn’t belong in this discussion. It turns the mating game into a chest thumping match. “Look at me! I am an alpha male because I have learned how to talk to girls!”

    /rant

  • detinennui32

    +1, A. There is a period of bewilderment, followed by anger and then sadness in learning game as a middle aged man. At first you are reading about concepts you’ve known about all your life but had no words for. Then you try it and are amazed to find out it works.

    That gives way to anger and mourning as you realize that everything your parents, teachers, civic authorities, pastors and even other women told you about how to meet and date women were not only wrong, but fraudulent.

    .

  • ♠A

    Thanks, Fred. I agree: it’s downright depressing. But we should be grateful we learned at all, continue on the path to the best of our abilities and aid one another where we can. No pity, no platitudes simply compassion and mentoring. That’s my perception of the fraternal side of masculinity, at least.

  • ♠A

    Many thanks. I’m very glad I’m not alone in my feeling (though equally saddened, of course, that there are others who’ve suffered needlessly; I loathe schadenfreude). I believe you nailed the process of metamorphosis perfectly. Please see my comment above to Fred, as well.

    [Side note: I use the handle ♠A (Ace of Spades) because I’m a huge Motörhead fan. Here’s how to get the fun characters, should you wish to use them: http://www.tedmontgomery.com/tutorial/ALTchrc.html%5D

  • ♠A

    Is it the debating over the value of individuals that bothers you, as well, or simply the terminology used? Because, if it’s not the debate itself, I’d like to give an example of my past (that has returned in the present, actually) and get your assessment.

  • Rollo Tomassi

    The reason I write this stuff at all is because of guys lamenting the loss of so much time and potential.

  • ♠A

    Upon reading your comment once more, I notice a note in a tune I’ve been singing as of late:

    [i]“everything your parents, teachers, civic authorities, pastors and even other women told you about how to meet and date women were not only wrong, but fraudulent.[/i]

    I feel it’s worse than fraudulent (though, your statement is quite valid) – it’s downright [b]counterproductive[/b].

    I’ve written (in my blog) that I’d have preferred [b]no[/b] advice/guidance than what I, in fact rec’d. Then I could have started from 0 rather than negative numbers

  • Mike C

    Sometimes I’m unsure who it makes sense though to really share this perspective with…..who to try to “unplug” so to speak. I know 2 guys, one a close friend and another a co-worker/acquaintance who would benefit from this knowledge and different worldview. That said, I have little interest in getting caught up in a “shoot the messenger” dynamic so I’ve stayed quiet.

    In my case, after my marriage failed, I knew there was something I wasn’t quite getting about “how it all worked” and I went seeking the knowledge. Nobody had to force it on me. I guess I unplugged myself. Just curious, detinennui, did someone introduce you to all of this or did you find it yourself?

  • Good Luck Chuck

    I could care less about the value of individuals. We all have our strong and weak points. What bothers me is that the use of the word “alpha” to describe men who learn how to get pussy is that it becomes a means to boost egos leaving guys with the impression that getting laid is the only thing that is important in life. It creates a set of goals that define the ability to get women into bed as the primary directive in life.

    There is a lot more to life than getting laid and focusing all of your energy on that task is akin to partying your life away without any thought to the future. Eventually you are going to want more and if you spent your entire life thinking that pussy is the end game you are going to wake up one day and wish that you had done things a little differently.

  • Good Luck Chuck

    This post got me thinking.

    I would LOVE to do an intervention on someone. I have mentioned this guy to you before. He grew up with his super religious mother and grandmother. He is now 27ish, still lives with them, and still clings to the belief that one day the world will change and his “goodness” will be rewarded.

    In the past a couple of us have tried to open his eyes but he refuses to believe that anything his mom and grandmother taught him could be harmful. I feel really bad for him because he’s a good kid with a lot of potential but he is extremely unhappy. His only goal in life is to find his soul mate and live happily ever after but I am 100% certain that if he fails to change his ways that he will indeed be a “lonely old man”.

    This dude lives close to you Rollo. If I felt that he might be the slightest bit open to hearing a different perspective I would try to see if we could get him some help, but I guess it’s like with anything else- you have to want to help yourself before others can do anything for you.

    Such a shame.

  • ♠A

    Fair enough and well said.

  • detinennui32

    MikeC: I stumbled across the manosphere during the Kay Hymowitz kerfuffle back in late Feb. early March. From there to Roissy (now Heartiste), and on to the rest. I’ve read Roissy’s entire site. Back in 2008-09 at its peak, the writing and exposition of the concepts was positively superb. It was some of the best writing I’d ever read at any blog anywhere.

  • xsplat

    And what if for some people there is no higher value than intimacy and sex, and they do happily pursue and achieve that until the day they died?

    I assume you wouldn’t approve. But I also assume the person would not care much about your approval.

    I can understand if you don’t value poon above all, but I can’t understand why it would bother you if others would.

  • Good Luck Chuck

    http://www.inmalafide.com/blog/2011/09/09/head-fake/

    For a lot of men pussy is just another drug. They use it to fill holes that would not have otherwise been open had they chosen a more rounded approach to life.

    That said, if you have experienced what life has to offer and realize that something truly makes you happy, who am I to judge? The problem here is that you have a lot of guys who are discovering this stuff out of desperation. To them game seems like the holy grail, the answer to all of their problems, and I would venture to guess that for most of these guys the hedonistic pursuit of sex at the expense of the other pleasures life has to offer will ultimately leave them unfulfilled.

    Lackanookie is a symptom, not a disease.

  • Rollo Tomassi

    You can’t teach those unwilling to learn. Experience teaches harsh, but it teaches best. It’s unfortunate, but sometimes the only way to unplug is through tragedy.

  • Good Luck Chuck

    This guy’s attitude is “Why should I take advice from you? You aren’t married.”

    In his mind the goal is marriage and anyone who isn’t married is obviously in the same boat that he is in and as such is unqualified to give advice.

    Get this. He recently went to DR to visit his dad, who is from what I gather a ladies man. Despite the animosity he has toward his father I was hoping that a little masculine wisdom might rub off on him while he was there. My hopes were dashed when I spoke to him about halfway through his trip. I asked him if he had met any girls. He said “Yea, as a matter of fact I have. And YOU would really like her. She cooks, cleans, and has that submissive personality that you like so much.”

    Are you kidding me? Where are your balls dude? EVERY man wants a submissive, feminine woman. This guy is brainwashed in to believing that he is attracted to women who are his “equal”. Little does he know that this is a huge part of the reason why women aren’t attracted to him.

    I have enough stuff to worry about in my own life but I feel it is my duty to do whatever it is in my power to help people victims of this disease. Oh well….I can’t save the entire world….

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  • Y

    I’m curious, why the need to go around unplugging people?

    I can understand wanting to help close family members… but everyone else?

    I know I write a blog, but I write it mostly for myself and those already with open eyes.

  • Rollo Tomassi

    I should state for the record that I don’t necessarily feel it’s my Christian duty to unplug chumps from the Matrix at every opportunity. However, you simply can’t avoid the sheer depth to which feminization permeates western culture; and for the most part it’s plugged in guys who’re more motivated to reinforce and perpetuate the normalization of it because they see it as the “right” way to getting pussy.

    Try not to think of it in terms of unplugging guys where you can, but rather , countering the prevailing groupthink. Usually it’s the guys who’ve been hammered flat by a string of stinging rejections and a series of beta-failed LTRs that are most apt to be open to unplugging, but even with those guys, tread with caution.

  • xsplat

    and I would venture to guess that for most of these guys the hedonistic pursuit of sex at the expense of the other pleasures life has to offer will ultimately leave them unfulfilled.

    Many men report that loneliness is not an state of mind that they can in any way affect, with actions or an an act of will, and that the only cure is intimacy. They report that life satisfaction and intimacy are directly related. That there is no substitute for intimacy, and that quality of life suffers greatly without it.

    You are talking about addiction and hedonism and seeking a solution to a vacuum that leads only to another vacuum.

    I think most of us are talking about seeking a real workable solution that erases a truly painful vacuum and brings love and joy and celebration and peaceful sleep.

  • MK

    Rollo,
    Any thoughts on training a young man right from the beginning vs. the concept of unplugging. I have to imagine it would be a ton more successful and have more potential to drive change in society. Written or seen any blog posts on age appropriate game education ?

    MK

  • Fort Michael

    chuck,

    from a strictly biological standpoint. where the alpha-beta dichotomy came from, getting laid is the only important thing in life.

  • Y

    But what do you get out of it?

  • King A

    The “treehouse club” mentality about the “manosphere” has always made me uneasy — the little-boy language is incongruent with the material. It’s a reflection of the immaturity of the counterrevolution. The philosophy is mature and true, but it’s not discussed in the deep tones of serious men.

    That’s fine insofar as the subculture is still getting its sea-legs. But it must evolve. I appreciate the tone of this site in that regard. Roissy is Peter Pan when we need adult leadership. He’s gifted but stuck in first gear. And he’s more sensitive than he lets on. There are serious others, but with one-tenth the talent and overcompensating with ten-times the passion. The vacuums will be filled and the conflict will commence. We only have to decide whether it will commence in an orderly or disorderly fashion.

    The Matrix references and cutesy acronyms are necessary because the people who must be reached are boys who, by virtue of their superfluous status in a feminized milieu, haven’t been permitted to grow into men. But part of the project is to inspire them to grow up, and frat patois won’t get them much further than they’ve already gotten.

  • King A

    Virtue is its own reward. Rollo talks about “schema” above, such as, “Savior Schema – reciprocation of intimacy for problems solved.” The AFC seeks “reciprocation,” the transaction paradigm, quid pro quo, a relationship of contracts.

    That bourgeois attitude is what puts the “A” and “F” in the AFC when a heroic mentality is called for. If you are motivated by what you “get out of it,” you are a sniveling merchant, a grubby trader of wares, an exchanger of commodities.

    Great men proceed from magnanimity, largess, noblesse oblige. They aren’t paranoid about protecting their end because they have a surplus to give and little worry that their core resources can be touched. Small men are always calculating who owes them what. They grow bitter, burying themselves in their frustrations rather than rising above their condition.

    What’s more, when you help a young loser you help the whole climate become that much more accommodating to men in general. You stay frosty, refresh your own skills, and maybe even learn something from your charge. Finally, incremental progress is immensely satisfying to behold, especially when you are its author, even if your actions have merely expanded a toehold to a foothold on this precarious beachhead.

    What does he get out of it? Greatness.

  • King A

    You can help him by taking his goal seriously. I suspect the contempt just drips off your face when he pines for marriage. We even have a pejorative for it: “Oneitis.”

    He is not stupid or naive to desire “happily ever after.” But he is naive about how to achieve it. The best you have to offer him is, “You’re a victim of a disease.” You make the sale by first sympathizing with your subject and then respecting his concerns as valid. Once he can see that you understand his predicament, then he will listen to your wisdom about the ways he is confused. Until then, it’s all, “Why should I take advice from you?”

    Tragedy doesn’t have to be his teacher. The great advantage of game is how quickly one can get results with little effort. They won’t be tremendous results, but they will persuade him that his sensei is onto something. Nothing quite convinces a young man like seeing a fire lit in a young woman’s eyes. And you’ve got the matchbook.

    As to the naivete of his goal … if you can’t demonstrate that he is enraptured by a fairy tale, you can at least show him how to increase his odds. Once you give him a peek past the curtain, the women will teach him the rest — by being their selfish selves rather than the precious little snowflakes he pretends them to be. Then he’ll be ready for some pointers, desperate for them in fact.

  • ♠A

    +1, King A. Excellent.

  • Kai

    The use of convoluted, high-brow language isn’t a mark of “maturity” or “adult leadership”, but rather a mark of snobbery.

  • Rollo Tomassi

    You’ll have to pardon my vocabulary then, or better still, watch the SoSuave podcast. I refuse to ‘write down’ to my readers.

    I’ll leave the dumbing down of writing to an 8th grade readership to the journalism majors. The English language deserves more respect.

  • Anthony

    You aren’t writing a novel, you’re writing a blog. By refusing to “write down to your readers”, you’re actually disrespecting each and every visitor to your site. Many of us can understand what you’re writing, but the subject matter doesn’t match the vocabulary. You are disrespecting the english language by making things harder to understand than they have to be, and for no other reason than to appear as an intellectual. You are lying to yourself and those around you by pretending that this is the way you talk to others in everyday conversation.

  • Badger

    I had a parallel life path to Mike C, except I was never married. I riffed satirically on the journey Detin talks of here:

    http://badgerhut.wordpress.com/2011/01/25/the-five-stages-of-game/

  • King A

    It may be considered “snobbery” if you are insecure and unwilling to improve yourself by, say, looking up a word in a dictionary or plowing your way through a long paragraph.

    And yet, talking down is to some degree necessary, precisely because snobophobes connected thru the ADHD internet will click past an unfamiliar word rather than be enticed to improve himself — and individual improvement is a prerequisite if any of this wisdom has a chance for widespread application. Language and tone will remain a balance to be struck.

    Some concepts must be spoken in advanced language, just like you can’t convey calculus without a firm mastery of arithmetic, and then algebra. Precision in language does not “mak[e] things harder to understand than they have to be.” It uses the least “hard” terminology to convey a “hard” thought. He is actually making things easier to understand. Advanced thoughts require advanced communication.

    Rollo, don’t dumb anything down. If you build it, they will come. (Pop reference! See how omnicompetent you can be?) Being slave to the least common denominator is a guarantee of insipidity, repetition, and eventually general boredom.

    Aspirants don’t mind being challenged, they even seek it out. They will be responsive. Chumps who are first and foremost afraid of being shown up will look to be slighted in everything even in the very language style you employ. What, are you trying to show me up with your fancy five-dollar vocabulary! Only a deeply insecure person could find the “disrespect” of “each and every visitor to your site” in the manner of a blogger’s speech. This confirms his low status on the educational food chain, while implying a fantasy of grandeur, to imagine that “each and every visitor” is at his level or lower.

    fukk dis shizz where da puzzy at chuh chuh

  • E.J.

    I don’t find this site to be verbose or “dumbed down.” It’s well-written, but more importantly, Rollo does a great job of breaking down gender dynamics without sounding like a PUA or MRA ideologue. It seems like once a blogger takes the red pill, he leaps all the way from egalitarian to misogynist. There’s none of that on this site.

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  • Sir Alan

    Haha, what a fool. “Talking down”. If you feel that this is talking down, you underestimate the reader of this blog who is undoubtedly smarter than the average person by nature of being on this site. Just because you can’t hang doesn’t mean we can’t.

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  • Tenno

    Just wanted to share a small milestone.

    When some 6 months ago I was discovering red pill through the book and happened on this list I found myself hitting most of the marks. Today I re-checked: none.

    I used to see girls as my true company, my peers in a sense. Now I changed my allegiance and consider myself firmly in the mandom. I’m not angry, bitter, aggressive, or cynical about women. I just calmly recognize my supremacy (is there a better term?). I am polite but essentially indifferent. Other than occasionally using them for my pleasure – with pleasure being mutual, as far as I can tell – I couldn’t care less about them.

    Thank you, Mr. Tomassi. You work has had a profound influence on me and on decisions I make. I enjoy becoming a better man.

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  • WriterDom1118

    I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

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