Rewriting the Rules

Women would rather share a successful Man than be attached to a faithful loser – Pook

One of the most common things I’m asked on SS is “how do you keep a marriage fresh Rollo?” Among my responses to this is usually how, contrary to the advice column Oprah-standard answer, a good relationship should be effortless. All of this “marriage is a constant work” is bullshit meant to keep a husband in a constant state of qualifying for his wife’s intimacy intended for her long term frame retention. Women in marriage and LTRs want to push past that nagging competition anxiety, they want security, not just financial, but emotional, and the security that comes from a locked in commitment in knowing they are the only source of sex & intimacy for their spouse/partner.

Pre-Commitment to Commitment

One of the reasons sexual frequency declines for women after a romantic commitment is that the urgency of sex that was necessary prior to the commitment is replaced with the agency of sex being a reward / reinforcer within that LTR. In single, uncommitted, non-exclusive life, sex, while being very enjoyable, becomes a proving ground for most women. In essence, it’s the free samples before the buy, and its urgency is fueled not only by (hopefully) genuine attraction, but also the at least subconscious knowing that she is in a sexual marketplace of competition. It’s one of the few times in life when a woman must qualify for a man’s approval. And admittedly, most men are so sex-deprived or so inexperienced early on in life that the sell is usually not a tough one for her. However, on some level of consciousness, even when the sell is virtually assured, she is aware that she could be replaced by a better competitor.
This then is the contrast for committed sexual interaction. The dynamic now shifts from qualification sex to utility sex. Now before anyone jumps to conclusions, yes, sex is still enjoyable, it can still be passionate, and she can definitely want it, but the impetus shifts. Sex is now a tool. In her uncommitted sex life it was a tool for qualification; in her LTR life it’s a tool for compliance. This is pretty obvious, and it may be more or less extreme depending upon the woman’s disposition or how important a particular issue is to her, but make no mistake, there isn’t a woman on the planet who doesn’t take her sexual agency into account when dealing with her LTR / husband. That agency may be more or less valuable – dependent upon her looks, demeanor, sexual availability, etc. – in comparison to the sexual market value of the man she’s paired with.

And this is where the Cardinal Rule of Relationships plays in. This is the constant interplay of vying for who is more dependent upon the other. Women have for the past 50+ years made a concerted effort, and using social conventions, to establish their sexuality as the end-all for men in power. Vagina = Authority and this is what all too many men parrot back and self-reinforce. “Change, do it, sublimate your desires, or there wont be any nookie for you tonight mister!” And on the surface it seems intuitive to ‘keep the peace’ and finish all the things on her honey-do list in the hopes that she’ll recover even a fraction of the desire she had when you were single, childless and getting blow jobs in the car after a date because she couldn’t wait to get home to fuck you.

The Upper Hand

Well LTR gentlemen, I’m here to tell you that, yes, you do in fact have an intrinsic upper hand in this regard if you’re fearless and willing to exercise your power. What I described in the last paragraph seems to be the most intuitive – do what she says = get sex – so it should come as no shock that the answer to it is counterintuitive. You must find ways to, subtly, return back to the state of competition anxiety she had in the beginning. I emphasize subtly, because, as with most everything else female, doing so overtly will be met with hostility, resentment and at best, obligated compliance. To get more (any?) sex, to retain the frame, to inspire more respect in her, you must disengage from her. That doesn’t mean becoming arrogantly aloof, or sulking like a child, or becoming an instant asshole; those are OVERT signs and methods. What is needed is incremental reassertion of yourself as the primary AND that her sexual agency, while still welcomed, is not a motivator for your own decisions.

I’m fond of saying no vagina is worth years of regret, yet this is exactly where most men find themselves, because they are either unwilling or unable to rock the vagina boat. They fail to understand that a woman’s imagination is the most powerful tool in the Don Juan toolbox. Now, the deductive and obvious way of stimulating that imagination would be to blurt out and say “look bitch, your pussy’s not made of gold and there are plenty of other girls ready to polish my nob if you don’t straighten up, see?” And this of course is met with either resistance or shame from her. What serves a Man better is to make incremental changes in himself that she will perceive as attractive to other women. Women want to be with Men who other women want to fuck, and other men want to be, but this cuts both ways. The more empowered he becomes, the better physical shape he attains, the more professional achievements he gathers, the more social proof and status he accrues, the more valuable he makes himself, the more anxiety is produce – and this is anxiety she can’t argue with.

One of the first things I tell men trapped in a ‘her-frame’ relationship is to get to the gym, train hard, look better. This has two effects; first it makes her interest in fucking increase, and second it fires up that imagination. “Why is he doing this? He’s really looking better these days, I see it, other women must see it too. Maybe I need to start working out? Gosh those girls at the gym look so much better than me.” She can’t argue with a healthy desire to look better, feel better, and be concerned with your health. Getting in better shape is the easiest, most immediate change you can effect. You may have little influence in getting a promotion at work, but you CAN change your body habitus right now. Women, being the calculating gender, know all too well to hit the gym months prior to a break up – she’s not getting in shape for you, she’s getting ready to hit the ground running with the next guy she’ll be fucking. They know this, so your manifesting the same behavior ‘caffeinates the hamster’ since it hits home for them.

Vagina is not authority

Don’t accept that her sexuality is the authority of the relationship. The better you make yourself the more authority you command, the more you abdicate to her the less authority (and respect) you command. Women need to be told “NO”, in fact they want you to tell them “NO”, especially in light of the 800 pound gorilla in the room – her sexual agency. When a woman controls the LTR frame with her vagina, it’s always going to color your dealings with her. THIS IS NO WAY TO GO THROUGH LIFE. It becomes this ever-present, unspoken understanding that she can ultimately play the pussy card and you’ll comply. And while this may gratify her in the short term, you will lose her respect in the long term. She wants to be told “NO” in spite of you knowing she’s going to hold out on you. This is the ultimate repudiation of her sexual agency – “if he says “NO” with the foreknowledge that you know you wont be getting any, her sexual powers are devalued.” If her sexual agency is called into question it leaves room for doubt and opens the door once again for competition anxiety to creep back in.

As I’ve said before, marriage is no insulation against the sexual marketplace, and no one knows this better than women who can rely on a society that rewards them for recognizing it. Use that to YOUR benefit now. Nothing is as simultaneously fear inspiring and arousing for women as a Man she suspects is self-aware of his own value. This is precisely why a feminized culture must continually confuse him, continually inspire doubt and humiliate him; feminization can’t afford men knowing their true value and potential.

In the end, who cares if you don’t get laid for a week? It’s well worth the price for increasing her respect for you as a commodity, and increasingly, an authority. If you want to maintain that anxiety, you must perpetuate yourself as being a commodity women will compete for, even in the confines of commitment.

Published by Rollo Tomassi

Author of The Rational Male and The Rational Male, Preventive Medicine

27 comments on “Rewriting the Rules

  1. Hypergamy is a hardwired facet of the female mind. I believe the best advice I’ve ever rec’d concerning it was simply:

    “Be the man your woman would leave you for.”

    1. Women respond to the possibility of losing that which they treasure the most.

      My wife had been treating me badly a few months ago. I said “out with it. What gives?” She said “I love, you, but sometimes I just don’t find you physically attractive.”

      So I started watching what I ate. And I took it for what she was really saying, which was “I don’t love you because you’re not hot.”

      I responded with something like this:
      “I will do whatever I have to do to protect myself. I have no intention of staying in a marriage in which I am not appreciated, loved or respected. If you’re not happy with me, then perhaps you’d be happier without me. And since this is my house, paid for with money that I (not you) earn, I’m not leaving, and I’m not sleeping on the couch. You can do those things if you want, but I won’t. If you don’t want me or you don’t want to be with me, you know where the door is.”

      Well. The sex improved immediately. And there was no more talk about lack of attraction.

      Women respond to men who stand up for themselves and know their value. And if I find myself single again, I know I could replace her if I had to. I don’t want to, but I could if I had to. And I suspect in the deepest recesses of her mind, she knows this too.

      1. Out of curiosity, would you have done something similar years ago or would your reaction have been different prior to the knowledge you’ve acquired relatively recently?

        Regardless, very well done.

        1. years ago, my reaction would have been “please don’t leave me! Tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it!” followed by sulking about how she doesn’t love me. I would not have known what else to do.

          1. I appreciate your candor.

            “I would not have known what else to do.”

            Therein lies the tragedy – there are generations of us that simply lacked a small, yet powerful, body of knowledge.

            But it’s good to have it now, at least.

  2. Rollo,

    Got to say you have quite the knack for finding just the right picture for the subject. FWIW, in my experience (some time working as a bouncer) the kind of chick with a shirt like that isn’t wearing it just for shock value or to make a statement….they usually really believe that shit. It is the type that calls out to be gamed hard, negged hard, and pumped and dumped.

  3. “I have the p*ssy, so I make the rules”


    I follow the golden rule.

    I have the gold, so I make the rules.

  4. This is where the whole PUA dogma falls on its face.

    I don’t care how good you are at “gaming” a woman in an LTR, if you don’t have anything physical to back it up it is only a matter of time before you are replaced with someone who can. Hitting the gym, making money, AND knowing how to lead her and push her buttons psychologically at the right time are the key to holding a relationship together.

    This is true with women anywhere in the world but exponentially so with spoiled western women who have the luxury of exercising rampant hypergamy without any accountability.

    1. Disagree.

      I come at it from a different perspective, it was hubby who controlled sex by virtue of a pain killer addiction. Six years proved too much, and I became involved with an alpha type for a little over a year. (Hubby found out, murder damn near ensued.)

      A husband practicing game will affair proof a marriage, or , if he chooses, win back a wife from an alpha. Period.
      You don’t need looks, money, ect.

      Case in point

      Hubby was a foot shorter than alpha guy. Hubby was self employed tradesman, alpha was self employed millionaire type. Hubby was 6, alpha was a 9.5 (George Clooney wishes he looked that good. )Hubby was damn good in bed (But a 6 year wait with no end in sight …..) Alpha was damn good in bed, and accessable.

      Hubby promised to kick the pills immediately and roger me senseless. I promised to cut off all communication with with my affair partner.
      Hubby had always had alpha traits despite his height. The pills had created an artificial betaness .

      My affair partner wasn’t the first or last alpha to approach me. A strong marriage just makes it easier to rebuff those approaches. The marriage bond and children are any husbands ace in the hole. Throw in good long term relationship game, and you’re king. (Though it has limits. Hubby went back to addictions, only with far more dangerous drugs. I ended our marriage six months ago.)

  5. I also find it amusing that this picture of a woman who would go so far as to blatantly rub her “pussy power” in people’s faces is of an age where her sexual market value is in decline and probably about to take a nose dive.

    When you only have five or so years of sexually relevancy left you don’t have the luxury of calling the shots.

    Oh wait, she must be American!

  6. This is a foundational article on game. Men new to the concept of game would do well to read this before anything else. It sets an impeccable tone and pitch for all else to build on. This is where internal game starts.

    This post will find it’s way to many men I know who need to begin the long process of finding their way out of the desert of emasculation.

  7. Rollo, what if I’ve already been doing the overt aloof thing? At times I’ve even been a bit of an asshole. But I’m determined to take back the power in the relationship. What I haven’t figured out is how to soften up, to reconnect without being the one who _needs_ to reconnect.

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  10. Vagina is not authority

    Women need to be told “NO”, in fact they want you to tell them “NO”, especially in light of the 800 pound gorilla in the room – her sexual agency.

    Doing this in the face of our natural desire requires high levels of self control.

    This leads me to wonder if the path alpha (read: mastery over external scarce resources) begins – at least in part – with self mastery.

  11. If I’d known this world about 10 years ago, my life would be different (I think – maybe I would have denied the truth, you never know and you can’t go back). But my STBXW said the perfect thing to me one day – during a fight we had, at a time when I was still fighting back from a failed business venture, out of cash, out of savings, wondering how we were going to pay the rent and buy groceries – she said…

    “If I have to get a job, then I don’t need YOU!”

    In my blue pill state, I didn’t realize the absolute truth she was speaking to me at the time. As it was, it hurt that she said something like that – hell, we’d been married for about 10 years, had three kids, she was all gung ho about the business venture and the fact that I had secure two rounds of angle funding – but when push came to shove – she was not there to support me, but truly only her and her needs. In that short sentence of 10 words, she summed up the way the world really worked – but not until about 6 months ago, did I really start to see the truth of that statement. To me, she summed up her agenda, that I was to be the best and most productive mule and if I wasn’t going to do that, then she’d need to find another mule.

    I wasted my 40’s trying to be a better mule and we made it out of the place we were to a much better place – only to have her question WHY I didn’t want to have sex with her anymore, why I didn’t find her attractive, why I didn’t spend more time with her. And towards the end, why I hated her so much.

    As a plugged in Beta poster child, all I could tell her was that I was doing my best, that I would try harder, thank her for her input and advice and that I’d be a better husband and father.

    Now, as I start my 50’s – single father of three teenagers – I see things differently. I notice little things that are said, or done, or alluded to. With her and my kids – but beyond that into the rest of the world. I created the marriage I had – I take responsibility of not being the MAN and LEADER of that relationship and the fact that it failed. In some ways, that’s the hardest part of the red pill – realizing that the truth was always there to see and hear – that only through the blue pill filter is the truth not obvious. Men, listen to this – it is your responsibility to be a MAN and to LEAD – you can either do it or not, but you can’t deny that simple fact.

  12. I had to look this post up because I remember the picture and I caught part of the show Scandal on tv. The show looks to be based on this. The main character Olivia is trying to get some guy held in a prison moved.
    The love interest character and her father have influence on where the guy can be placed.
    The love interest in a scene demands to know if there’s still hope between him and Olivia. She begrudgingly admits yes. So of course it follows the prisoner gets moved, Olivia’s father gets mad that he’s been moved, leading to the show ending confrontation scene of her father demanding to know what happened.
    Olivia proudly states she has weapons he can’t possibly possess.
    Yada yada.

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  14. This post should be required reading for all younger men who are thinking of getting married (or ones already in a LTR). You have to let a woman know that at any time she can be replaced (not overtly like Rollo suggests..but in subtle ways). Remember this: never give ground, always call a woman out on her bullshit (or bluff) and never be afraid to tell her ‘no’.

    Woman are always looking to shit test….even the married ones.

  15. There was a time I was blue-pilled (still am) but I was prepared for being refused sex.
    After she wanted sex again I told her: “look. It’s been 5 days since you refused. Now it’s your turn to wait exactly that long.” And she got just good-night-kisses. No sex, no oral from/for me and no hand job from/for me.
    Just “accidentally” touching her vagina or boobs.
    After the time was up I fucked her again. But I swear, it never happened again and she wished for sex more than I did.
    I did this once to two women and twice to another woman. It helped every time.
    The usual responses that came from them were:
    “Why do you do this of you want sex too?” (My response to this:”because it’s just fair”)
    “Please understand that I wasn’t ready!” (My response to this:”maybe I’m not ready either and I give you more time to prepare”)
    Always cocky from my side.

    I didn’t know it was for other reasons I was refused sex. And I didn’t know until today that my response to that refusal evoked some other feelings in the women.

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