Rewriting the Rules

Women would rather share a successful Man than be attached to a faithful loser – Pook

One of the most common things I’m asked on SS is “how do you keep a marriage fresh Rollo?” Among my responses to this is usually how, contrary to the advice column Oprah-standard answer, a good relationship should be effortless. All of this “marriage is a constant work” is bullshit meant to keep a husband in a constant state of qualifying for his wife’s intimacy intended for her long term frame retention. Women in marriage and LTRs want to push past that nagging competition anxiety, they want security, not just financial, but emotional, and the security that comes from a locked in commitment in knowing they are the only source of sex & intimacy for their spouse/partner.

Pre-Commitment to Commitment

One of the reasons sexual frequency declines for women after a romantic commitment is that the urgency of sex that was necessary prior to the commitment is replaced with the agency of sex being a reward / reinforcer within that LTR. In single, uncommitted, non-exclusive life, sex, while being very enjoyable, becomes a proving ground for most women. In essence, it’s the free samples before the buy, and its urgency is fueled not only by (hopefully) genuine attraction, but also the at least subconscious knowing that she is in a sexual marketplace of competition. It’s one of the few times in life when a woman must qualify for a man’s approval. And admittedly, most men are so sex-deprived or so inexperienced early on in life that the sell is usually not a tough one for her. However, on some level of consciousness, even when the sell is virtually assured, she is aware that she could be replaced by a better competitor.
This then is the contrast for committed sexual interaction. The dynamic now shifts from qualification sex to utility sex. Now before anyone jumps to conclusions, yes, sex is still enjoyable, it can still be passionate, and she can definitely want it, but the impetus shifts. Sex is now a tool. In her uncommitted sex life it was a tool for qualification; in her LTR life it’s a tool for compliance. This is pretty obvious, and it may be more or less extreme depending upon the woman’s disposition or how important a particular issue is to her, but make no mistake, there isn’t a woman on the planet who doesn’t take her sexual agency into account when dealing with her LTR / husband. That agency may be more or less valuable – dependent upon her looks, demeanor, sexual availability, etc. – in comparison to the sexual market value of the man she’s paired with.

And this is where the Cardinal Rule of Relationships plays in. This is the constant interplay of vying for who is more dependent upon the other. Women have for the past 50+ years made a concerted effort, and using social conventions, to establish their sexuality as the end-all for men in power. Vagina = Authority and this is what all too many men parrot back and self-reinforce. “Change, do it, sublimate your desires, or there wont be any nookie for you tonight mister!” And on the surface it seems intuitive to ‘keep the peace’ and finish all the things on her honey-do list in the hopes that she’ll recover even a fraction of the desire she had when you were single, childless and getting blow jobs in the car after a date because she couldn’t wait to get home to fuck you.

The Upper Hand

Well LTR gentlemen, I’m here to tell you that, yes, you do in fact have an intrinsic upper hand in this regard if you’re fearless and willing to exercise your power. What I described in the last paragraph seems to be the most intuitive – do what she says = get sex – so it should come as no shock that the answer to it is counterintuitive. You must find ways to, subtly, return back to the state of competition anxiety she had in the beginning. I emphasize subtly, because, as with most everything else female, doing so overtly will be met with hostility, resentment and at best, obligated compliance. To get more (any?) sex, to retain the frame, to inspire more respect in her, you must disengage from her. That doesn’t mean becoming arrogantly aloof, or sulking like a child, or becoming an instant asshole; those are OVERT signs and methods. What is needed is incremental reassertion of yourself as the primary AND that her sexual agency, while still welcomed, is not a motivator for your own decisions.

I’m fond of saying no vagina is worth years of regret, yet this is exactly where most men find themselves, because they are either unwilling or unable to rock the vagina boat. They fail to understand that a woman’s imagination is the most powerful tool in the Don Juan toolbox. Now, the deductive and obvious way of stimulating that imagination would be to blurt out and say “look bitch, your pussy’s not made of gold and there are plenty of other girls ready to polish my nob if you don’t straighten up, see?” And this of course is met with either resistance or shame from her. What serves a Man better is to make incremental changes in himself that she will perceive as attractive to other women. Women want to be with Men who other women want to fuck, and other men want to be, but this cuts both ways. The more empowered he becomes, the better physical shape he attains, the more professional achievements he gathers, the more social proof and status he accrues, the more valuable he makes himself, the more anxiety is produce – and this is anxiety she can’t argue with.

One of the first things I tell men trapped in a ‘her-frame’ relationship is to get to the gym, train hard, look better. This has two effects; first it makes her interest in fucking increase, and second it fires up that imagination. “Why is he doing this? He’s really looking better these days, I see it, other women must see it too. Maybe I need to start working out? Gosh those girls at the gym look so much better than me.” She can’t argue with a healthy desire to look better, feel better, and be concerned with your health. Getting in better shape is the easiest, most immediate change you can effect. You may have little influence in getting a promotion at work, but you CAN change your body habitus right now. Women, being the calculating gender, know all too well to hit the gym months prior to a break up – she’s not getting in shape for you, she’s getting ready to hit the ground running with the next guy she’ll be fucking. They know this, so your manifesting the same behavior ‘caffeinates the hamster’ since it hits home for them.

Vagina is not authority

Don’t accept that her sexuality is the authority of the relationship. The better you make yourself the more authority you command, the more you abdicate to her the less authority (and respect) you command. Women need to be told “NO”, in fact they want you to tell them “NO”, especially in light of the 800 pound gorilla in the room – her sexual agency. When a woman controls the LTR frame with her vagina, it’s always going to color your dealings with her. THIS IS NO WAY TO GO THROUGH LIFE. It becomes this ever-present, unspoken understanding that she can ultimately play the pussy card and you’ll comply. And while this may gratify her in the short term, you will lose her respect in the long term. She wants to be told “NO” in spite of you knowing she’s going to hold out on you. This is the ultimate repudiation of her sexual agency – “if he says “NO” with the foreknowledge that you know you wont be getting any, her sexual powers are devalued.” If her sexual agency is called into question it leaves room for doubt and opens the door once again for competition anxiety to creep back in.

As I’ve said before, marriage is no insulation against the sexual marketplace, and no one knows this better than women who can rely on a society that rewards them for recognizing it. Use that to YOUR benefit now. Nothing is as simultaneously fear inspiring and arousing for women as a Man she suspects is self-aware of his own value. This is precisely why a feminized culture must continually confuse him, continually inspire doubt and humiliate him; feminization can’t afford men knowing their true value and potential.

In the end, who cares if you don’t get laid for a week? It’s well worth the price for increasing her respect for you as a commodity, and increasingly, an authority. If you want to maintain that anxiety, you must perpetuate yourself as being a commodity women will compete for, even in the confines of commitment.

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♠A
Guest
♠A

Hypergamy is a hardwired facet of the female mind. I believe the best advice I’ve ever rec’d concerning it was simply:

“Be the man your woman would leave you for.”

Mike C
Guest
Mike C

Rollo,

Got to say you have quite the knack for finding just the right picture for the subject. FWIW, in my experience (some time working as a bouncer) the kind of chick with a shirt like that isn’t wearing it just for shock value or to make a statement….they usually really believe that shit. It is the type that calls out to be gamed hard, negged hard, and pumped and dumped.

detinennui32
Guest
detinennui32

Women respond to the possibility of losing that which they treasure the most. My wife had been treating me badly a few months ago. I said “out with it. What gives?” She said “I love, you, but sometimes I just don’t find you physically attractive.” So I started watching what I ate. And I took it for what she was really saying, which was “I don’t love you because you’re not hot.” I responded with something like this: “I will do whatever I have to do to protect myself. I have no intention of staying in a marriage in which… Read more »

detinennui32
Guest
detinennui32

“I have the p*ssy, so I make the rules”

No.

I follow the golden rule.

I have the gold, so I make the rules.

detinennui32
Guest
detinennui32

Just so, Mike C.

Good Luck Chuck
Guest
Good Luck Chuck

This is where the whole PUA dogma falls on its face. I don’t care how good you are at “gaming” a woman in an LTR, if you don’t have anything physical to back it up it is only a matter of time before you are replaced with someone who can. Hitting the gym, making money, AND knowing how to lead her and push her buttons psychologically at the right time are the key to holding a relationship together. This is true with women anywhere in the world but exponentially so with spoiled western women who have the luxury of exercising… Read more »

Good Luck Chuck
Guest
Good Luck Chuck

I also find it amusing that this picture of a woman who would go so far as to blatantly rub her “pussy power” in people’s faces is of an age where her sexual market value is in decline and probably about to take a nose dive.

When you only have five or so years of sexually relevancy left you don’t have the luxury of calling the shots.

Oh wait, she must be American!

♠A
Guest
♠A

Out of curiosity, would you have done something similar years ago or would your reaction have been different prior to the knowledge you’ve acquired relatively recently?

Regardless, very well done.

detinennui32
Guest
detinennui32

years ago, my reaction would have been “please don’t leave me! Tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it!” followed by sulking about how she doesn’t love me. I would not have known what else to do.

(r)Evoluzione
Guest
(r)Evoluzione

This is a foundational article on game. Men new to the concept of game would do well to read this before anything else. It sets an impeccable tone and pitch for all else to build on. This is where internal game starts.

This post will find it’s way to many men I know who need to begin the long process of finding their way out of the desert of emasculation.

♠A
Guest
♠A

I appreciate your candor.

“I would not have known what else to do.”

Therein lies the tragedy – there are generations of us that simply lacked a small, yet powerful, body of knowledge.

But it’s good to have it now, at least.

Flahute
Guest
Flahute

Rollo, what if I’ve already been doing the overt aloof thing? At times I’ve even been a bit of an asshole. But I’m determined to take back the power in the relationship. What I haven’t figured out is how to soften up, to reconnect without being the one who _needs_ to reconnect.

Neecy
Guest

Wow what a tacky thing to wear on your shirt. No class whatosever!

just visiting
Guest
just visiting

Disagree. I come at it from a different perspective, it was hubby who controlled sex by virtue of a pain killer addiction. Six years proved too much, and I became involved with an alpha type for a little over a year. (Hubby found out, murder damn near ensued.) A husband practicing game will affair proof a marriage, or , if he chooses, win back a wife from an alpha. Period. You don’t need looks, money, ect. Case in point Hubby was a foot shorter than alpha guy. Hubby was self employed tradesman, alpha was self employed millionaire type. Hubby was… Read more »

curiouser
Guest

Intetested also an answer to in flahute’s question.

trackback

[…] Whether the reasonings are moral, entitlement or ‘honor bound’ in nature the end result is still feminine primacy. The sales pitch is one of manning up to benefit yourself, but the latent purpose is one of better qualifying for normalized feminine acceptance. What they cannot reconcile is that the same benefits that are inherent in becoming more Alpha (however you choose to define that) are the same traits that threaten his necessary position of subservience as a Beta. This is precisely why ‘real’ Game, and truly unplugging, cannot be sanitized. This social element wants to keep you plugged in;… Read more »

lovelost
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lovelost

thank you for providing such insights, me being a beta, now knows how to play the game.

trackback

[…] Rewriting the Rules […]

trackback

[…] Whether the reasonings are moral, entitlement or ‘honor bound’ in nature the end result is still feminine primacy. The sales pitch is one of manning up to benefit yourself, but the latent purpose is one of better qualifying for normalized feminine acceptance. What they cannot reconcile is that the same benefits that are inherent in becoming more Alpha (however you choose to define that) are the same traits that threaten his necessary position of subservience as a Beta. This is precisely why ‘real’ Game, and truly unplugging, cannot be sanitized. This social element wants to keep you plugged in;… Read more »

Ad Fortitudo
Guest
Ad Fortitudo

Vagina is not authority

Women need to be told “NO”, in fact they want you to tell them “NO”, especially in light of the 800 pound gorilla in the room – her sexual agency.

Doing this in the face of our natural desire requires high levels of self control.

This leads me to wonder if the path alpha (read: mastery over external scarce resources) begins – at least in part – with self mastery.

Ad Fortitudo
Guest
Ad Fortitudo

ehem. The “path TO alpha.”

Yep It's Me
Guest
Yep It's Me

If I’d known this world about 10 years ago, my life would be different (I think – maybe I would have denied the truth, you never know and you can’t go back). But my STBXW said the perfect thing to me one day – during a fight we had, at a time when I was still fighting back from a failed business venture, out of cash, out of savings, wondering how we were going to pay the rent and buy groceries – she said… “If I have to get a job, then I don’t need YOU!” In my blue pill… Read more »

Water Cannon Boy
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Water Cannon Boy

I had to look this post up because I remember the picture and I caught part of the show Scandal on tv. The show looks to be based on this. The main character Olivia is trying to get some guy held in a prison moved. The love interest character and her father have influence on where the guy can be placed. The love interest in a scene demands to know if there’s still hope between him and Olivia. She begrudgingly admits yes. So of course it follows the prisoner gets moved, Olivia’s father gets mad that he’s been moved, leading… Read more »

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[…] be” is how the joke that men tell themselves goes, but the self-observation is really one of abdication to a woman’s Frame while he lamely grasps at an authority he doesn’t believe he’s ever […]

Driver
Guest
Driver

This post should be required reading for all younger men who are thinking of getting married (or ones already in a LTR). You have to let a woman know that at any time she can be replaced (not overtly like Rollo suggests..but in subtle ways). Remember this: never give ground, always call a woman out on her bullshit (or bluff) and never be afraid to tell her ‘no’.

Woman are always looking to shit test….even the married ones.

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[…] basado en el artículo: “Rewriting the Rules” escrito por Rollo Tomassi para The Rational […]

Adrian
Guest
Adrian

There was a time I was blue-pilled (still am) but I was prepared for being refused sex. After she wanted sex again I told her: “look. It’s been 5 days since you refused. Now it’s your turn to wait exactly that long.” And she got just good-night-kisses. No sex, no oral from/for me and no hand job from/for me. Just “accidentally” touching her vagina or boobs. After the time was up I fucked her again. But I swear, it never happened again and she wished for sex more than I did. I did this once to two women and twice… Read more »