The ‘A’ Guy


From the inimitable STR8UP (he knows who he is) in venerated SoSuave archives

Women either HAVE an “A” guy, or they desperately want one. It has something to do with needing that emotional rush.

What does this mean?

It means that if a woman already HAS an “A” guy, you either have to be the right guy at the right time that has what it takes to usurp the crown, or you will be relegated to “B” or “C” status, depending upon her level of attraction.

See, my problem lately is that I have been meeting a fair amount of women who I manage to get to “B” status with, but lately becoming that elusive “A” has proven difficult. I have to give myself credit though. I can honestly say that I DO NOT accept a “C” position, which is basically “friend zone” orbiter, and I am quick to recognize when it’s a losing battle to try to become an “A” guy.

I have seen this play out with women I have been with and even MORE so with other people and their relationships. You meet a chick and get along well. She shows most of the classic signs of high interest when you are WITH her, however when it comes time to get together she flakes. Why does this happen?

Well, lots of times it’s because she might like you, she might even REALLY like you, but unless you got what it takes to dethrone her “A” guy, you are really nothing more than a temporary distraction/ego booster for her.

The “A” guy could be an Alpha ex b/f who cheated on her and dumped her and still calls her from time to time to keep the hook set. Or he could be a guy who she is currently dating who has so far refused to commit to her exclusively. He could even be the guy in the corner office who she has done nothing more than exchanged smiles with, who she has built up in her head to some sort of god-like status. Or, he could be any guy in between.

The point is, there are MILLIONS of women out there who are walking around with their heads in another place, TELLING people they are single, even going on dates, even getting MARRIED TO OTHER MEN, who are actually NOT really single. In their minds they are having a relationship with Tom, Dick, or Harry. Sure, she may be out on a date with YOU. She might even be laughing at your cheeseball humor and touching your leg when she talks to you. But deep down inside she can’t wait to get home to check her facebook or email to see if her fantasy man sent her something.

Basically what I’m saying is that it’s often hard to tell if a woman is secretly longing for another man. All you can do is keep your eyes open, and even then it’s tough when a chick is flipping her hair and leaning toward you and talking about your next date ten minutes into your first one just to flake on you three days later. But this is why you need to be EXTRA vigilant with women, and not invest too much time into a losing battle.

The easy analysis of this phenomenon is the 5 Minutes of Alpha dynamic, but what the ‘A’ guy represents is the feminine version of ONEitis. While a guy may pine away for months or years for a woman who’ll never reciprocate intimacy, he’s more easily self-convinced of another ONE who will be sexual with him. This is how men are wired; at some point the diminishing returns of an emotional investment gradually drop to nothing when presented with another, more viable, sexual opportunity. Not so for women. Women being primarily emotional beings, sex cements that emotional investment in her ONE. This is precisely why the boyfriend (even an abject Beta boyfriend) to whom she loses her virginity tends to become such an overwhelming emotional proposition for her. Barring a forced situation, more often than not he becomes the ‘A’ guy by default.

Even when this isn’t the case, the A guy becomes the benchmark who sets the bar for her B & C guys. As I proposed in Five Minutes of Alpha, be less concerned with a woman’s notch count and more concerned with the impact the last Alpha lover she had etched on her psyche. Bear in mind it was women, the feminine, who first proposed the notion of the Soulmate, or the ONE, in terms of romanticism, not men. Men have only recently bought into this since at first it seemed to prove “sensitivity” as a means to a woman’s sexuality, and then as an ego-invested part of their own personalities to be used as AFC leverage to keep a straying woman around longer. It’s kind of a using her own weapon against her (which never really works because his approach is rational and hers emotional) dynamic in Beta Game.

There was a topic on the Tom Leykis show on (or around) Valentines day where he asked married or LTR female callers to call in and tell him if they were really with their “Prince Charming” – the guy they idealized, dreamed of, swept them off their feet and was the ONE soulmate for them. Of about 30 callers maybe 2 called in to say they were with their ONE. The rest had very emotionally charged testimonials about their ONE who they still ache for and how their ‘B’ guy, the man they settled for (in most cases had children with) doesn’t know it and could never measure up to their ‘A’ Man.

I think there’s a certain degree of mythologizing the ‘A’ guy since he’s unattainable and therefore really unknowable. That casts him in an idealization that can really never be proven. It’s like women who get addicted to romance novels; the rush comes from the imagining, not the actualizing. However this puts the ‘B’ guy in a bad position – particularly if he’s an AFC who thinks his ship’s finally come in and the girl who settled for him capitulates to marrying him because the situation is hopeless with her ‘A’ guy. Of course this doesn’t have to be limited to marriage; I’ve personally known women in live-in situation who’ve left ‘B’ guy to go back to the original ‘A’ guy to have that self destruct and go back again to ‘B’ guy who welcomes her with open arms because he thinks it makes him the bigger man..

Published by Rollo Tomassi

Author of The Rational Male and The Rational Male, Preventive Medicine

31 comments on “The ‘A’ Guy

  1. because he thinks it makes him the bigger man..

    “bigger loser” I believe you try to say, 🙂 I get the idea especially after the red pill.

  2. In my experience, this is quite true. I know I’m one woman’s A guy and possibly another’s. Sadly, I know what it’s like to be the B guy too.

  3. This ties into all sorts of peripheral topics, one being that by the time a chick gets railed by a half dozen A guys she has lost most of her ability to truly bond with anyone. And her femininity gets destroyed in the process.

    This also ties into a situation I am currently in where I am a B guy with this chick I met last year. I determined pretty early on that I wouldn’t likely get anything from her while she had a b/f but I decided to stick it out to help expand my circle of friends and because I wasn’t by any means desperate to fuck her.

    I knew that if she broke up with her man I might have a shot and sure enough, they broke up a few weeks ago.

    Problem is, he broke up with her. Since it is so fresh his A guy status basically got a steroid injection. Sure, she’s going out and such but her soul isn’t in it. Dude’s value went through the roof since he did the dumping and now she isn’t exactly flaky with me but there was a marked change in the way she communicates with me ever since the breakup.

    Essentially since the A guy has a corner on the market at this point so the B slot is essentially nonexistent. I might be able to change that of course but it’s going to take a little more maneuvering than usual.

  4. The above is why it’s important to have options other than your girlfriend. To always leave them with the idea that you’ll be just as happy without them as with them and that they should feel lucky to be along for the rise with you. Not just in terms of dating other women but other social outlets including friends and their social circles, professional and religious associations, a well developed hobby or two, whatever makes you happy. Even if you don’t leave them for another woman, the idea that you’ll have just as much fun without them can be crushing for their ego’s.

    One girlfriend, whom I met while we working for the same company(in itself a big mistake but another story), dated for about a 17 months. I was getting serious and actually contemplating marriage when she decided that she didn’t want to be in a serious relationship and wanted to have fun. So we broke up, she ended up dating other guys including one or two from the same company. Although sad about the end of the relationship and even though I was aware she was dating other people, I continued to have fun on my own terms which meant lots of scuba diving, some alumni association stuff, college football games, went to lots of car shows and beer competitions, even joined a single malt whisky association. In other words I had just as much fun without her and beyond saying ‘hello’ when she passed by at work we never talked.

    A little over three months after we broke up, her father had a stroke, when I found out about it and saw her at work passing in the front entryway of the building, I offered my condolences about her father. I didn’t go ‘Beta’ and offer to help, just that I was sorry, concerned about her and her mother, and that I was praying for his recovery. When I did this she stood there, shaking, looked at me with contempt, eyes hooded with rage and said with a barely contained vitriolic tone in her trembling voice;

    “Where the hell have you been?”

    I stood there, taken aback by this much emotion. Sheepishly I responded, “Well, ahh…umm…doing my own thing and having fun……what…been doing?”

    The only way I can describe the look she gave me was absolutely murderous. I really think she would have tried to kill me if she had a gun or knife. After a few awkward moments of silence she recovered and with all the composure she could muster she said, “Thank you, I appreciate the thought” and then turned and walked away.

    I certainly didn’t know anything about Game, Alpha’s/betas, hypergamy, female psychology back then but I really think she couldn’t believe that I was just as happy without her than with her. That my life didn’t begin and end with her and that it didn’t was crushing for her ego. And if you thought that moment was bad, when I started dating another girl and she found out about it the murderous looks towards me became constant at work. That sadly, is very reflective of the state of egocentrism which afflicts all too many women today.

    So, the moral is; making yourself happy and living well for yourself are two of the best antidotes to deal with the ego of women as described above as well as a excellent form of revenge.

    1. So in retrospect it was actually even better than that: you were having more fun without her. Quite a bit more, at a guess.

  5. Indeed.

    I’ve had a few girls things were going nice with in the beginning, only to suddenly drop off my radar. The sex was good, they seemed really into you…

    Then you hear her ex and her have started talking again.

    There are 4 girls out there I know I am the A guy for, maybe a couple more, but for the rest… too late.

    It’s a combination of age + notches. The earlier in her age and the earlier in her notches, when you bang her you are almost guaranteed to be the A guy for life. Later on down the line, not so much. She already has headspace occupied by A guy.

    Whether it’s me, or some other dude in her past, in my experiences the A guy can rarely be dethroned in her mind. Depends on your game. Even so, I think even some of the tightest game can only bring you up to the B++++++ guy, the almost almost A. Almost A that she almost forgets about A. But not A.

  6. The dangerous thing about the A guy is that he’s largely a product of her imagination. Sure, the initial sparks came from a real fella, but the idealisation done afterwards is all in her head, and no other man can hope to compare to him.

    Like STR8UP said, with experience, I’m getting better at detecting when a chick has that A guy in her head and is emotionally unavailable, even when she’s largely showing typical signs of high interest.

  7. Oh fuck.

    The very concept, of giving a shit whether you’re her A guy or her B guy or whatever……is So. Fucking. BETA.

    Really, who GIVES A SHIT who she wastes her time thinking about? You’re a man with a life of his own; you should be out there LIVING IT instead of wasting headspace wondering if you measure up to HER idea of the perfect man. Jeez, Frame Control anyone?

    This fretting over who her A guy is, is merely a reflection of your desire to win HER approval, and is an extremely WEAK mentality to be carrying around. You SHOULDN’T CARE who she fantasizes over; you shouldn’t let it control YOUR behavior.

    You’re not tryna marry her to make an honest woman of her and live happily ever after. You wanna fuck.

    She’s down for it? Good, get in there, get yours, rock her world and book out.

    She’s still pining over some long lost Cinderella fairytale with an emotionally unavailable Prince Charming? That’s HER fucking problem.

    Cut the drama, Gents. You don’t need that shit.

    1. If you’re thinking about forming a relationship with her, than yes you’ll care about being the A guy.

      I’d rather know the signs in advance then to be blindsided when she decides to go back to her ex-boyfriend to see if they can go for round 2.

    2. Although Rollo never said you should strive to be the A guy, you’re right and it needed to be said.

      Never care about being the A guy. Anyone who tries to be the A guy, will, ironically, be more likely to not be her A guy.

      The A guy is the most alpha of her men, and therefore by definition could care less about being her A guy.

      1. Sorry anyone heard of damage control? What happened to logic, it was our invention, not theirs (women). If it’s a fling it doesn’t matter if you are Z guy as long as you bang her, but if you want to have children you better be her A or else…and that means behaving like an alpha and dumping whenever you see you are not her A’

  8. the moral is; making yourself happy and living well for yourself are two of the best antidotes to deal with the ego of women as described above as well as a excellent form of revenge.

    Just the answer ive been looking for. Thank you. Lesson learned got too emotionally invested. NEXT!

  9. Being the A is not always a gift, it can be both tragic and comedic. Concerning (mostly) the latter, I became a first cousin’s A.

    About 6 or so years ago, I was cutting my teeth on game material, and some of the advice I had absorbed was to apply cocky/funny in the manner one teases their younger relatives. Unfortunately, I took it a bit too close to heart and started practicising game on my younger cousins. The cousin in question is the oldest of three daughters and was about 10 at the time when her mom came down with the big-C. While in treatment I volunteered to help out around their house, and I essentially baby sat them for an entire summer. After that period I’d always get complements from said Aunt about how I was the girls favorite cousin. The eldest grew the most attached. Her spunkiness would send her charging headlong into my negs, and soon enough stamping away red faced. I had the push-pull going so well that she was saying aloud, “I HATE YOU… no… I.. like you.”

    For a recovering beta, even something as simple as demonstrating mastery in a relationship where you carry massive initial value over the target is a thrill. One of my favorite things to do was tell her I liked the opposite of whatever way she was wearing her hair and/or makeup, then lo and behold the next time I’d see her she’d be wearing “my preference”. Eventually such teasing was going to become inappropriate and I started scaling back when she turned 12, but the damage had been done. By 14 she had filled out, and interactions were no longer playful, but tense. With the sexual electricity between us palpable enough that I tried to limit my exposure with her as not to alert any other family member. She would still attempt to sneak in some iso by bumping into when I went to the bathroom and act coy about it.

    A 15 the situation improved thanks to her first steady boyfriend. Eventually she dragged him to a Thanksgiving dinner, and I stealthily observed him from another room after my late arrival. He was in the dining room with all the females being grilled about his treatment of their little angel. His remarks put the other ladies at ease, even deflecting a dried up, divorced aunt’s accusations, “isn’t she a little young for you?” He being a senior, and she a sophomore, “Oh.. she’s very mature for her age.” In the brief lul in the coversation that follows a chuckle I made my entrance. Both of their body languages changed from their previously relaxed state near once I positioned myself in the middle of the table. She instinctively perked up. Shedding his arm draped around her shoulder, leaning in toward my position. He leaned forward, crossing his arms as the smile slipped from his face. I kept the greetings short and escaped to the family room where the football game was surely televised.

    It is quite evident that he had had a glowing description from her of me previously, and my very presence threw him out of his frame. I don’t envy his position, and very much sympathize. The combination of the imprinting during the developmental phase, the taboo of incestuous relations (women sure do love a man to “overcome” things for them) and the fact that she can never, ever have get to sample, has generated a warped perception of me that will wither all other competitors. If I ever want my cousin to find happiness with a man, I’m going to have to stay the hell away from her.

    “Game is Universal”, indeed. Next time you hear a “game the world” rant you might want to take into consideration the awkwardness generated by your mother giving you chocolate on Valentine’s Day or your daughter never quite getting over her daddy issues.

  10. – Tyler Durden from ages ago explaining why you’re not that important to the chick and why you shouldn’t take flaking personally. It often comes down to right place right time like this blog post says, glad the manosphere is catching up to PUAs.

    Personally I like being the B guy. Once you’re the A guy, she pushes for more commitment and more of a relationship and you get way more shit-testing and if you’re not willing to commit, the relationship ends a lot faster as an A guy because she has more motivation to lock you in by making ultimatums.

    As the B guy to a lot of different women, sometimes they can meet up, sometimes they can’t, that’s why you have more than one. They don’t ask for commitment, or for you to meet their families, they know when they come over it’s just to fuck, it’s an awesome situ.

    The only hitch is you have to not be jealous of the A guy which is something most guys have trouble with. They want to be the A guy for the girl and the thought of her fucking another dude or liking another dude more eats away at them. I don’t care, hell I give girls advice on their A-guy relationships after we bang and we’re making small talk. Wtf do I care? Even if she lands her A guy the way she dreams of and doesn’t want to see me anymore, I have other girl’s. No big deal to me.

    Wanting to be her A guy if you don’t want a committed LTR with her is just ego bullshit.

    1. Great post. Being the ‘B’ guy beats being the A guy any day.

      If you’re just trying to fuck, why do you even care if you’re the A, B, or C guy? You already know that the A guy is going to get fucked in the end with marriage, limited pussy, divorce court, and child support.

  11. Some of you are missing the point.

    The A guy is the guy who is currently getting sex or could easily get sex from the woman which usually puts all other men at a serious disadvantage. Any time you find yourself in the position where you aren’t the A guy (most of the time) you need to have an approximate estimation of where you stand because it is easy to fall into the trap of wasting resources on a lost cause.

    Women these days will gladly go through the motions with you without any intention of reciprocating as long as there is someone else in the picture who has her on lock down. You need to protect yourself.

    1. “The A guy is the guy who is currently getting sex or could easily get sex from the woman which usually puts all other men at a serious disadvantage.”

      No. It puts all other men who aren’t fucking multiple women at a serious disadvantage. To a “player”, her not making time to fuck him is just unfortunate. For her. Because she’s missing out on his cock.

      He’ll try again if he gets bored or the opportunity is convenient but otherwise who cares, her pussy doesn’t shoot rainbows and magic. There’s another girl dying to fuck him. Shrug.

  12. Perfect example of female privilege imho; guy sacrifices himself and is a “real man” by doing so, read the comment section

    1. @Snoeperd

      I don’t even know where to begin on that one…

      And did you see all the Blue-Pill infested comments that were all over the place? People praising the man for sacrificing his life for a woman that will…..move on in a matter of weeks, and be taking it up the ass from some other guy who just wants to “comfort” her, while he’ll still be rotting 6-deep.

      This one commenter put it succintly:

      José Manuel Repetto Menéndez –

      “He wasted his life protecting a girl that was nothing of his. He died for a relationship that would have probably ended because of something mundane in a few weeks or months, and now his family is suffering. What a retard, dying for a fling. Didn’t he think about his family? If I had a brother that did that I would hate him for this would show we meant very little or nothing to him.”

      …And all hell broke loose. The usual white knight shaming language ensued (no girlfriend, must hate women, was burnt once, NAWALT, etc).

      It makes you realize that eventual condescension towards the unenlightened is a guaranteed side effect of anyone who so much as tastes the Red Pill.

      1. Yeah the responses to the comment of the José guy were really retarded. I’m really beginning to think you should just not listen to anything that 99% of the people say.

  13. Pingback: Coquetry «
  14. This concept is demonstrated in “Gone with the wind” Scarlett pines for Ashley as her A man while Rhett is her B whom she later marries. These things used to be taught in literature back in the day. Its like we’ve lost something with ask this post modern crap.

  15. “However this puts the ‘B’ guy in a bad position”
    Does it really? It’s her problem, let her stew in it. If she ups and leaves again, her problem.
    There is a fair bit of assumed beta supplication in this write up. Even if you are a bloke in the hole with a girl. She has to trash most of her ability to emotionally bond to leave.
    They think they get away scott-free. They never do.

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