Last Rites for Joseph

Unplugging chumps from the Matrix is a lot like triage – save the ones you can, read last rites to the dying.

It’s one thing to be an Omega Male, but quite another to be an internationally recognized, Omega-gone-viral. Joseph Dobbie’s epic email has circulated around the world for 6 years now. I actually wrote a response to this on SoSuave when it first surfaced, and since that time I’ve always held it in esteem as the seminal work on the epitome of Omega-tude. In 2006 I wasn’t formally using terms like “Omega”, but on some level of consciousness I think I instinctually knew this degree of Beta Game crossed a line. It transgressed into something beyond Beta – this is the grey area of sincere belief in Disney-esque idealizations of not only women, but circumstances destined by fate, and the border of unhealthy social retardation (i.e. the creepy effect).

Defining the qualities of being Alpha is an exercise in subjectivity, but Beta pretty much reeks of Beta; you know it when you see it. Men who’s beliefs and behaviors drop them into the Omega tier of hell kind of blur the distinction between Beta and social / mental autism. So in the interests of better clarity on this distinction I submit for my esteemed colleague’s critical review, verbatim and unedited, Joseph Dobbie’s immortal classic, Lady of the Cake:

To: Kate Winsall
Subject: Lady of the cake

Hello Kate,

It?s joe – we met at Andrew?s party.

I hope you don?t mind me getting your e-mail address from the e-mail
that Andy sent to us all; it is a bit sneaky of me.

It was wonderful to meet you on Saturday, and I wonder if you would
consider meeting me for coffee sometime; maybe at the Tate Modern?

OK. This is where my common sense is telling me to stop? keep it simple
and positive joe.

And the probability of me listening to that voice? Experience has taught
me that it is not worth putting up a fight; I will end up giving in to
the part of me that never wants to find itself shaking its head and
muttering ?if only?’

This is the part where I throw caution to the wind; the part where I
listen to my heart and remember that I should live my life as an exultation and
revel in the opportunity to try; the part where I refuse to apologize

for who I am; the part where I trust that the lady I met on Saturday
night is, as I suspect, able to see sincerity where others would see
clich .

I am fortunate enough to have been able to collect a number of special
memories. They are memories of moments that made any struggle leading up
to them worthwhile. They are memories of moments when I am struck by
something so beautiful, time stands still and all of the ugliness in the
world ceases to exist.

Your smile is the freshest of my special memories.

Regardless of whether we see each other again, I will use it as I do my
other special memories. I will call on it when I am disheartened or low.
I will hold it in my heart when I need inspiration. I will keep it with
me for moments when I need to find a smile of my own.

I am unsure of all my motives for sharing this with you and, if I am
honest, not ready to examine them too closely. However, I know that it
makes me feel good to believe that maybe, if you are ever upset, knowing
that I will be keeping your smile alive might help you through.

If you are half as intelligent and aware as I believe you to be, I am
sure that you will find what I have written, in the very least, sweet.

If I am twice as lucky as I would dare to hope, you will find this note
charming and agree to contact me and arrange a date.

Either way, I trust that your reply will be candid – you told me how
much you value honesty.

One last thing, I promise that it is enormously rare for me to stray as
far from sobriety as I managed on Saturday night.

Be safe.
Joe

This reads like a Hallmark “Special Moments” abortion splattering Emo effluvia indiscriminately on any who could get past reading the first 3 ‘stanzas’.

In the interests of science, lets see if I can save the patient,..and maybe the patient is you?

Lady of the cake? Who the fuck are you, Percival? I realize AFCs think chivalry isn’t dead, and that women secretly want, and appreciate it. I have news for you, they’re the ones who killed it and all you do is telegraph your beta-ness to the 1% of the female population who would actually understand what you’re alluding to here. Relax KingArthur.

Hello Kate,It?s joe – we met at Andrew?s party.I hope you don?t mind me getting your e-mail address from the e-mail
that Andy sent to us all; it is a bit sneaky of me.

Translation: It’s me Joe, the chump who stared at you across the room for the better part of the night unable to muster even the rudimentary courage needed to ask you out, so I’m using this Buffer called email to blunt the potential for real rejection that I was too petrified to risk at the party last Saturday.

Her: Note to self – Kill Andrew for not blind copying his group emails.

It was wonderful to meet you on Saturday, and I wonder if you would consider meeting me for coffee sometime; maybe at the Tate Modern?

Translation: I use terms like ‘wonderful’ in order to telegraph my already overt interest in qualifying for your intimacy because I haven’t even the basic understanding that women prefer covert communications. So I wouldn’t want you to have any doubt about my intent, even though I copy/pasted your email from Andy’s group send. Perhaps we can meet for coffee at Tate Modern so I can show you how much I can identify with the feminine sophisticated I am in my appreciation for fine art? Oh what the hell, I’ll just show you now by writing you a sonnet,..

OK. This is where my common sense is telling me to stop? keep it simple and positive joe.And the probability of me listening to that voice? Experience has taughtme that it is not worth putting up a fight; I will end up giving in tothe part of me that never wants to find itself shaking its head andmuttering ?if only?’This is the part where I throw caution to the wind; the part where I
listen

to my heart and remember that I should live my life as an exultation and
revel in the opportunity to try; the part where I refuse to apologize
for who I am; the part where I trust that the lady I met on Saturday
night is, as I suspect, able to see sincerity where others would see
clich .

I am fortunate enough to have been able to collect a number of special
memories. They are memories of moments that made any struggle leading up
to them worthwhile. They are memories of moments when I am struck by
something so beautiful, time stands still and all of the ugliness in the
world ceases to exist.

Your smile is the freshest of my special memories.

Her: What was your name again?

Regardless of whether we see each other again, I will use it as I do my other special memories.

Translation: I’ll be masturbating to visions of you in my head – like all my special memories.

I will call on it when I am disheartened or low. I will hold it in my heart when I need inspiration. I will keep it with me for moments when I need to find a smile of my own.

Translation: I am so desperate for sex, and am such an Omega male that the pedestal I’m putting you on was reserved for Christ the Messiah. Congratulations, you’re my new religion, and only after having met you once at a party – it must be destiny.

I am unsure of all my motives for sharing this with you and, if I am honest, not ready to examine them too closely. However, I know that it makes me feel good to believe that maybe, if you are ever upset, knowing that I will be keeping your smile alive might help you through.

Translation: I would really like to get laid, but since I don’t want you to think I’m like “other guys” who only want to fuck you I’ll sweep that under the rug and desexualize myself to steer you away from that thought. Instead, contemplate how reliable, familiar and comforting I’ll be (like a stuffed animal) as your potential boyfriend, again, so unique and unlike those “other guys” who just want to fuck you.

If you are half as intelligent and aware as I believe you to be, I am
sure that you will find what I have written, in the very least, sweet.

Her: So essentially a woman half as intelligent would fill the same poetic role you’ve sickeningly cast me into after casually meeting me at Andy’s party. I swear I’ll kill that bastard.

If I am twice as lucky as I would dare to hope, you will find this note charming and agree to contact me and arrange a date.

Translation: In case you are only half as intelligent and aware as I hope, let me explain for you how you’re supposed to react to my quasi-marriage proposal – you should think I’m charming and shouldn’t give me the rejection I never risked in person last Saturday.

Either way, I trust that your reply will be candid – you told me how much you value honesty.

Translation: Lord, please, say yes. You said you liked art, poetry and appreciated honesty (like every other girl on Match.com) in a guy, haven’t I identified and qualified myself with you for your approval?

One last thing, I promise that it is enormously rare for me to stray as far from sobriety as I managed on Saturday night.

Translation: I swear I wont be an alcoholic when we’re married.

Be safe.
Translation: I’m safe

I’m sorry, we’ve done everything we could, this patient is terminal, call the Deacon to read last rites.
Time of death,..

37 comments

  1. I’ve probably written letters uncomfortably similar to Autistic Joe’s. One step along the path to taking off the romance goggles happened when a player girl who’d fucked me over outright told me “when are you going to stop believing in love?”

    At the time I had thought that she was just the wrong kind of girl. Later it sunk in that I had been idealizing women, and idealizing love.

    I still “believe” in love, only now I know that it’s an illusion, see through it, and harness it to my benefit anyway. It’s a dream, and a useful dream. It’s no longer an ideal, and I don’t expect women to idealize it.

  2. xsplat,

    It appears your journey is only half-over. That player girl was no more wise than Joe; they’re both wrong, just differently so. Love is real. It exists. It just doesn’t exist in the way that popular culture would suggest, or in the way that you (and I) once idealized it.

    Love isn’t magic, or puppies, or rainbows. Love requires shared values, shared sacrifice, and mutual understanding. It certainly requires a realistic outlook on life and gender. For a man, it most definitely requires “Game” to remain long-term. To slightly alter a quote from the Great Romance of the 20th Century, “Love is work. Anyone who tells you differently is selling something.”

    How do I *know* love exists? Because grief exists, and grief could not exist except as the logical outcome of love and death.

  3. what is the first thing I do not understand about this whole pua/real men issue is the obvius HATE and CONTEMPT towards beta males /omega males. And what about the need and obsession to write so much about the one topic – women. Women are very similar to children – could you imagine a fully grown men writing so much about children? Oh I know, we do not fuck children. I do not believe that this is done for betas. It is the therapy for the autor himself.

    I can understand the purpose of selling an idea that some ordinary beta with ordinary income could IN THE REAL WORLD have and sustain a serious relationship with hot blonde. At the same time, guys with good genes, not even knowing what the fuck “pua”, “matrix” is (cos they never had the need to learn it at the first place), are fucking hot girls right and left. There is no shortage of beta millionares with poor looks/genes and only their right hand for company while at the sime time, the hot driver in his own company is fucking the great blonde secretary the moneybag is dreaming of. But I have yet to meet a hot women in her prime in the relationship with week beta or ugly dude without status/money.

    Women are VERY simplicstic creatures, they are created for ONE reason – children. Their nature could be described in one VERY SHORT article. The problem is that most guys could read it again and again but not be able to understand. And what is more important, they are not able to FEEL that way. Why? Cos they are betas, they are not MADE that way.

    Alpha is not something that could be learnt, my friends. You can not change your genes. We can not fuck with the nature so easy. WE ARE NATURE. We are made by that very laws we want to fuck with. Alpha is jerk towards women cos he can allow to be. Women want to fuck him not for his behavior ar attitude, they want to fuck him irrespective of his behaviour, they are programmed to fuck him, to assure his genes wil perpetuate. They have no other possibility then to fuck him. Beta mimicking alpha arrogant attitude and thinking he will pull chicks like da boss is as some fat chick thinking she could have manners of HB 10 or that men would like her if she is big boss and has cash. Pitiable and stupid.

    And the guys who KNOW? They are silent. The truth and freedom is only for tiny minority. Most would not be able to bear it. When wisdom arrives, there is no need to talk anymore.

  4. Utter Bullshit, you must me a woman or a jerk.

    I know several class A Omegas (not betas) that have turned it around 180 degrees.

    From being the object of ridicule to fucking like monkeys in the space of two years. And not just fingering Mary Jane but A class alpha jerk screwing around, screwing engaged girls, wives, the bosses squeeze etc.

  5. No, I am recognizing that duty is a part of love. We have inherited this dysfunctional idea of “unconditional love”, that love should be easy and conflict-free and effortless. These are fairy tale fallacies that infect our brains from pop culture.

    Parents may change the first diaper because of “love”, but they change the 100th because of duty. Duty is a part of love.

  6. I think the people reading this blog believe that change, improvement is possible, albeit difficult. I believe it because I’ve changed for the better.
    The idea that your destiny is fixed, i.e. you’re born an alpha, beta or omega and there’s nothing you can do about it is an excuse to avoid the hard, painful work of self-improvement.

  7. genes can be turned on and off. there is a bio-feedback mechanism that allows for this. gene expression can be influenced from a molecular level. its a simple process, look it up.

    its the same general stimuli-response feedback loop that powers evolution. if your game internalization (stimuli) is strong enough, your body’s biochemistry will respond in consequence to effect changes.

  8. Good post, but that letter was painful to read. I suggest going through A.B. Dada’s comics on his site to purge the lingering omega left from this naive man’s letter.

  9. perhaps the second part of the essay could be the constructive demonstration on how he should have written the email….

  10. I don’t share your conception about what love “is”. I can try to understand what you personally mean by it, but I don’t think your view is a universal human constant or a prime emotion, such as is the feeling of being “in love” that nearly all teenagers are familiar with.

    Your idea is a conglomeration of feelings and concepts. I can’t argue that it is right or wrong, or that it does or does not exist. But it’s a personal notion.

    And it doesn’t much relate much to my views and attitudes, as I refuse the responsibility aspect of love that is important to you.

    When I say that love is illusory, that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist. Dreams are illusory, and they exist. Love exists, as an illusion. We truly love and truly feel grief. It is as real as the beauty in a sunset is real. Real for us. Real enough.

    And women love differently than do men – they don’t love love itself in the same way men do. Love is personal, as a dream is personal.

  11. No email should be written. Ever. This is the point. If she’s not contacting you, move on with your life pal.

  12. I agree. Should have asked for a number and should she give it to you then you know there was a connection. Then call/text her then from there whatever happens happens.

  13. Then all guys would be happy and we wouldn’t been having this discussion. And i would have gotten laidmore in high school.

  14. Okay, I can accept this. I am less concerned with a Platonic conception of “love” than I am the personal, but that probably stems from a need to explain grief. I used to have a healthy love for metaphysics, but I’m just no longer interested in “reasons about reasons”.

    I wholeheartedly agree with your last paragraph.

  15. My initial response to this tripe is that Joe may be Omega, but he is also knee-deep in Disney and Shakespearean b.s. with regards to courtship, sex, and love. Having read a lot of historical nonfiction, I recognized the tone (if not quality) in Joe’s writing as similar to the days of yore when noblemen needed to write eloquent sonnets just to arrange a date with a lady. Even supposed “alphas” like the Tsar of Russia needed to go through these steps – but that was because they were courting royalty for possible marriage. Since they were often written as letters these overtures survive as historical evidence of chivalry and romanticism.

    But that only tells 1/1000th of the story. Tsars, kings, knights, etc. also probably plowed through their share of regular females (excepting those who were true AFCs or closeted gays). They didn’t need to write this kind of b.s. for the prostitute or the common woman down the street. That’s to say nothing of men like Cassanova (just a well known example) who came out guns blazing without the aid of royalty and wealth. Sex is sex and lust is lust, and game is game, and while times and mores change, the notion that Once Upon A Time courtship was more sophisticated and chivalrous is b.s. If you wanted to pry a princess or dutchess from her family, then yeah, sure, you’d better have brought the goods. But that kind of courtship was the exception, and like I said, the province of the educated and upper class, and even then reserved for selecting a bride for life. (And even then – the decision was as political as it was romantic – often a bride came with a treaty or political alliance or annexation – no small thing.)

    Because these instances are held up as “proof” of supposedly better days when Betas ruled the land and catered to Fair Ladies, and are recycled ad nauseum not only in Disney movies but much adult romcom fare, poor saps like Joe have bought into the lie hook, line, and sinker. The key, as always, is unplugging, but Joe is so plugged in he might as well be a universal adaptor. When you read his email, you can almost hear the recipient’s skin crawl.

  16. Two Words: Holy Shit

    The day people stop believing in the idea of ‘Disney Love’, will be the day that they break from the chains of Betadom, free to frolic through the fields of pussy and self-worth. Seriously, love does not exist. It’s all a chemical reaction, self-conscious need(fear of being alone, and feminism programing.

  17. It is important to note that every woman in the world WANTS to get a letter like that and would respond to it in a favorable manner, but ONLY if it is from a man with high enough status. It isn’t so much about the words but the message the words convey. This guy was approaching this situation from a position of having close to zero value. All he did was to further cement his low value in her eyes by showing how high he felt that her value was relative to his. If a chick were to get this kind of letter from a celebrity whose value was a given, there would be a completely different reaction.

    Relative value is by far the most important concept in seduction. If your value is high enough it’s an entirely different ballgame.

  18. yes I know, omega unattractive man, applies game and mysteriosuly turn into A-guy 🙂

    If you could fuck some drunken or spoiled chick that happens to look good, you are alpha 🙂 Fat, ugly chick thinks that is fucked and dumped by A-guy or happen to be fucked by him for two months, is of course cosmo girl and could have the man she want.

    Look at the pua blogs – f.e. roissy. This guy claims that he fucks hotties left and right, has multiple relationshipis with them, etc. Yet there is so much hatred towards women that he must have been molested and rejected for years. WITH ALL HIS KNOWLEDGE.

    You definitely could change something, you could improve your social skills, you could improve the quality of women, etc, but you could NEVER, NEVER fuck with nature buddies.

    We will beat you whenever we want. A-guy could fuck your girlfirend you are happy having after three years of study and hard work, WHENEVER he wants. At some age it is malny to recognize your position and maximize your results. Beta in his thirties thinking that he could compete with A guy, while behaving like poor clown is pitiable, is not manly. It is childish. Sorry for the harsh message, but given all this blogs – “read my message and fuck hotties”, someone has to tell this. That is all from me.

  19. Reading this letter reassures me that nature is taking its course as intended from the beginning.

    This “Joe” guy clearly has never reproduced – and obviously never will.

    His purpose on this earth is to be shining beacon to us all.. to take a different direction..

  20. I’m not necessarily the biggest romantic in the world, but dude, “love” has been around long before any fucking notion of feminism.

  21. I’ve heard that Shakespeare “invented” romantic love.

    I find it hard to believe that romantic love has such a strong cultural component, but many claim that the feeling of it is hugely tied up to our cultural ideas about it.

    I’m more prone to think that there are some basic flavors of emotion that don’t much change that can get tied up into some changeable cultural concepts about romance. Teenage infatuation would seem to be timeless and cross cultural.

  22. This fool should be forced to sit with a group of men so they can laugh at him, only then he will learn and so will others not to do that.

  23. I got to this:

    “This is the part where I throw caution to the wind; the part where I listen to my heart”

    before starting to feel slightly nauseous. I haven’t bothered to read your translation as I’m not blindly drunk yet and as such lack your intestinal fortitude. Clearly I must Man Up.

  24. Totally agree. Love is not just feelings, it’s also loyalty and duty. Without the latter, you still have feelings of being in love, but it’s a rather flimsy type of love.

  25. So Gregg – are you saying the same message shy Aspies like me have always heard? That I should just kill myself?

  26. After reading this, I just about vomited.

    And then I realised it was prolly me at age 15. Amazing what 30 years will give you.

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