“You’ve been with how many girls?!”

Rational reader Poker ran this one by me recently:

I’ve been seeing this girl and we’ve slept together a few times… Today, in bed, I got asked, “How may girls have I been with?” and “Why won’t I be her friend on Facebook?”

How many girls question…

Here’s how I handled it – would love to know if you think this was handled properly… (using cocky-funny attitude)

Me: “I don’t tell that.”
Her: “More or less than 20?”
Me: “I have some freedom of information forms in the car – you could fill one out and get your answer in 20 years.”
Her: “Don’t you want to know how many guys I’ve been with?”
Me: “No.”

Iron Rule of Tomassi # 2

NEVER, under pain of death, honestly or dishonestly reveal the number of women you’ve slept with or explain any detail of your sexual experiences with them to a current lover.

The single most disastrous AFC move a man can make is to OVERTLY describe past sexual experiences and/or give a number (accurate or not) to how many women he’s been with prior to the one he’s with. This simple act, whether you offered the information or she dragged it out of you, ALWAYS comes off as pretentiousness and is often the catalyst for an avalanche of emotional resentment, if not outright emotional blackmail from an insecure woman. This is a rookie mistake that will only take you once to learn.

If a woman puts you on the spot by directly asking you for this information always sidestep this COVERTLY. C&F works wonders in this situation and still keeps the air of mystery and challenge about you.

Her: “So how many girls have you been with?”
You: “You’re my first actually”
Her: “Really, how many girls have you been with?”
You:” You mean tonight?”
Her: “C’mon, how many girls have you been with?”
You: “You know, I really lost count after 50” (or something outrageous).

When a woman asks you this question she is seeking confirmation of what she already suspects – NEVER give her this satisfaction. When a woman resorts to OVERT communication (COVERT being her native language) she’s generally exhausted her patience to be COVERT and this is a desperation tactic for an insecure woman.

While this scenario may be fraught with potential disaster, it is also an opportunity to encourage her imagination and prompt some competition anxiety.

Her: “How many girls have you been with?”
You: “I have an idea, lets fuck and then you can tell me how many girls you think I’ve been with, OK?”

A lot of Game rookies think that since they’ve only been with 1 or 2 women in their lives what’s the harm in open, honest, full disclosure? Like most Betas they bought the “open communication is the secret to a good relationship” meme long ago, so the impulse to be upfront is their default response. They tend not to see the utility in  keeping that information, or being ambiguous about it, plants a seed of competition anxiety. When she KNOWS she’s your first, you’ve just abdicated the frame to her in any kind of relationship. Second, if she’s your 9th then every girl up to 8 becomes a stamp in her collection to use against you in the first fight you have. Every date you take her on she wonders “Did he take #6 here too?” It’s as if you cheated on her with every previous girl up to her. I should also add that this is the first question a BPD (borderline personality disorder) woman will ask you so she can feel horrible about herself for not measuring up to “your standards” and drag you into the emotional hell-pit with her.

Published by Rollo Tomassi

Author of The Rational Male and The Rational Male, Preventive Medicine

42 comments on ““You’ve been with how many girls?!”

  1. I don’t know – I’ve eventually answered this one a few times. Or perhaps at some point when I was pissed off, I volunteered it. Or both.

    It’s not yet been held against me. Hell, if a girl is so into me that she puts up with other girls, she can handle the competition from a number.

    I like the competition anxiety a high number arouses, and there are no shit tests about it. Keep the girl on her toes.

  2. Worse yet is when the GUY asks the girl her number.

    Worse than that guy is the guy who believes her.

  3. I think it’s possible to reason from specific examples like this, to general principles.

    Whatever you come up with, isn’t better than a woman’s hamster. I just never answer important questions honestly. Nothing you can say will top what she can dream up. Just dance around the question.

  4. “No, seriously. How many girls?”

    “Pffft, don’t ask me shit like that. You see me asking you?”

    “Hmmph. You don’t care how many I’ve been with?”

    Smirking: “Well, I can make a educated guess, at this point….”

    “What?! What’s that supposed to mean??”

    Laughing: “Less history, more mystery with shit like that, I say. Hey, pass the Skittles! You eat that whole bag, you’re gonna blow up like a balloon.”

  5. From the date I had with the masseuse on Monday:

    Her: “When was the last time you had sex?”

    Me: “What time is it?”

    Her: “I don’t understand.”

    Me: “I have to figure out how many hours it’s been.”

    She laughs really hard and then kisses me.

    Bear in mind that we’re both in our 40s and this shit still works.

  6. Women honestly don’t want to know.

    A girl asked me this once. And I avoided answering, like Rollo suggested. She then COMPLIMENTED me on not answering her. She said, “You always know what to say and what not say. You’re so smart…” And then looked deeply into my eyes with an impressed look on her face.

    A true story.

  7. Her (after sex): “So how many sluts have you been with?”
    Me: “Including you? Six.”

    I think if she leaves it open like that, knock her down a peg.

  8. This is an excellent article and I fully agree. Your “number” is something that should never be shared with anyone, ever. Not with your women, not with your doctor, not with your priest, not with your shrink, not with your best friend. That’s for you and you alone.

  9. Her: So how many women have you been with??
    Me: How many have YOU been with?
    Her: What???
    Me: Aren’t all you gals bisexual now?
    Her: Well ahhh
    Me: So you got any videos?…No ugly dikes though…..Just you & some
    babe with a favorite vibrator or something???
    Her,playfully: You Prick…..

  10. So my boyfriend always pulls this on me, constantly pestering me about the details of my past conquests. Should I pay mum?

  11. I used to be honest about it, but then one day at university I just smiled and didn’t say a word. I had a following of people the next day trying to figure out if I was a virgin or a player. (On my way from rAFC to something approaching Alpha.) Girls I know from uni would casually ask me like it’s some piece of tantalizing information which, I guess to them, it is.

    The next time someone asks you how many lays you’ve had, just smile at them. They’ll bend over backwards trying to figure it out.

  12. Hi Rollo, FYI this post of yours has been plagiarised:


  13. Women never want full discloser.
    Thanks Rollo that’s the most profound red pill lesson that’s truely been experience and changing.

  14. I dare to quarrel slightly with this Iron Rule. It’s a very interesting dynamic; brilliantly explained by Rollo (thanks mate – your book has put a lot of things in place), but I have recently been asked this question by a few girls and simply given the truth with startling effect. Pretty girls can get laid much more easily than the average man, which is surely why it is best the average man never to try to compete with a woman’s ‘number.’ In PUA language it’s about keeping your frame, not entering hers when she is using the promise of sex to comely you to her will. Assuming that you won’t sleep with a girl when you meet her makes you pretty much immune from her frame and keeping your number at 0 makes you immune from ‘stamp book blackmail leverage.’ Being immune from the convention of shame about the male 0 number is what is very interesting – so let me tell you this story. This may sound very blue pill to you but keep in mind that, although I LOVE reading about social dynamics and I am I think a 7.5/10 – I don’t have trouble getting female interest (dates etc), but I don’t think it would have any positive impact on my confidence or status to lay them, so I don’t. The last girl to ask me directly this question I met at a party at a friend’s house. We’d been talking earlier about hobbies, life etc. She seemed very attractive and well mannered and she mentioned she had a boyfriend. Physically speaking, she was a point above me. When the music started, though, she started doing the ‘hot, cold, ignore, kiss some other guy routine to get my (or anyone else’s attention). I quickly realised that this little lamb was so manipulative that I couldn’t really be bothered with her and instead danced with the other girls in the party until she took me aside (almost by force), told me that I was ‘dancing wrong,’ ‘people don’t like dancing like that’ (complete rubbish by the way), and told me that she was going to ‘give me a lesson.’ She started off telling me that ‘dancing is like sex – you’ve had it, right?’ I said, quite truthfully: ‘look, I don’t want to sound judgemental, but where I come from we wait until we can at least commit to marriage,’ (which is the most terse truth I could give without giving her a reason to start a psychological cross-examination – we were both from different parts of rural Europe and partying in a third). She was very surprised, but did a bit more bullshit behaviour before slithering off somewhere. Later that evening, she came back to me while I was talking to some friends and loitered about a bit while I ignored her – hoping she’d go away. Eventually she insisted we go on a walk to a quiet place. She led me one way, but I wanted to check out the garden, so I led the other way and tried to strike up some casual conversation about the people at the party. Suddenly, I realised she was crying for no reason and she sobbed on and on about how things in her life would be different if she’d met me earlier and how I was actually a really nice guy and all that sort of thing (she may even still have been shit-testing). She had to let me know that her father had recently left her mother and (reading between the lines), how this had shattered her notion of male fidelity. Then she started coming on to me, but I told her to think about her boyfriend and not rock the boat if she’s found a good, loyal guy (from my position, as it’s a given that you’re not going to end the evening in bed with a girl, this is both right and good). We sat out until she’d dried her eyes. The other boys looked at me furiously when I led her back to the house – maybe thinking that we’d been doing something else. For the rest of the evening, she calmed down, went back to being normal and held rational conversations. I did not feel ‘dragged into her emotional hell-pit’ at all. It was in fact a very interesting look behind the curtain, and I was very grateful for her insight (it was this refined instance which allowed me to understand other similar situations I had been in with girls who had obtained from me my ‘number.’ We are ‘just friends’ now, and can go for coffee. I am never going to lay her. This is one example – but I have told a handful of girls who asked, and without exception, they came on to me much more – perhaps under the false assumption that they would be the one to ‘mark me as their territory,’ or just to improve their shit testing skills by trying to find some insecurity with me – but it is on the fundamental convention of insecurity about sex that many other insecurities are built, so they have to look quite hard. In fact – I would go so far as to say that most of them became obsessed with my case. We’ve come to a strange situation that girls like that have become sexual aggressors – only to discover that, in the presence of the truth from a man who should be insecure about his ‘weakness,’ they discover that their whole strategy is backed by a false currency – the presumption of shame over male inexperience. The unintentional outcome was that it was her who felt shame. Flip-script, or?

  15. Rollo – then you suggest never asking what her number is? In later posts you mention knowing your wifes history, and she knowing yours

  16. Right on the money. Can confirm that.
    Plate of mine was talking about a guy who was hitting on her.. dude disclosure he had slept with only one girl. Guy was 30.
    She laughed at him.. said that was ridiculous. If she was ever to sleep with the guy.. she would have to teach him how to do it properfly?

    Yeah, don’t ever give a woman the N count.

  17. Hmmm from my experience disclosing this has never been an issue, if anything all the women who asked and got an answer from me simply tried to make me cum harder and ask me if any of the others were better. That’s when I smile and say “better at what? Specifically?” Game on!!!

  18. I’m having a difficult time reconciling these CDC numbers with the views I’ve read throughout the RP community. Growing up, I for whatever reason, used the so called “Rule of Three” when determining the number of sexual partners a person had.

    These CDC numbers imply men are the more promiscuous gender. Am I nuts, or is this some kind of mass misdirection, intentional or not, by women. There is no way, in my mind, that I would ever accept this study as relevant let alone true.


  19. I think this is a bit of a stretch, because women in small towns, know who you dated so-and-so prior, they know your history already, and that you must have been everywhere with previous gf’s, every park, every restaurant, every mall, schools, and ‘they’ can deal with it

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