Old Flame, New Game

An interesting scenario for Game-aware Men has developed in the last 12 years in that, with our new level of connectivity and virtual social communication, now more than ever before it’s not only convenient to reestablish a connection with a previous lover, it’s far more likely. Even if you’ve moved on from a lover more than a decade ago and live thousands of miles away, they’re still as close as a google search or facebook friending away from you now. This presents an interesting situation for Men who’d previously been left by a woman in their ‘beta’ mode of thinking, only to reestablish (or have the old lover reestablish) a connection with the potential for a fresh intimate affair.

The temptation to prove something to an old lover is a very strong impulse in Men, and particularly if the former relationship resulted in his being dumped for a mindset in himself that he now realizes was the cause. Pair this need for vindication with a woman who’s initiated the contact after her last LTR failed, and you can see how consuming this opportunism might be for a guy. Considering all this, it’s very difficult to assess the real situation and the motivations for such a reconnection.

Rebound Guy vs. Sure Thing Guy

Rebound guy is defined by being a fresh prospect, coming around conveniently at the end of an LTR. The rebounder is also generally an emotional tampon rather than (but not limited to) a sexual release for a girl. Status as a rebound guy is usually based on how involved her LTR was prior, and the terms and circumstances of the break up. For instance, if the old boyfriend / husband cheating on her was the catalyst for the break up, then there’s a good chance you’ll be rebound fucking her as both retribution and an ego-preservation function for her. If she split with the guy due to her own indiscretions, or the guy was simply too beta for her to endure any longer, depending on your Game and Alphatude in comparison, you’re probably rebound fucking her. If the former lover was himself an Alpha (based on her perception) and she’s become his leftovers, then you’re probably in for a long haul down the emotional tampon highway – or at least if you permit it – and the end result will be frustrating.

However, the far more entrapping situation is being the ‘sure thing’ in this episode. AFC guys resort to ‘sure thing’ thinking constantly, but it’s not uncommon for women too. What tends to happen when we find ourselves at the end of an immersing LTR is that we look for what rewarded us prior to our involvement with the monogamous relationship. Naturally, monogamy requires the lion’s share of our attentions, so when that attention is freed as the result of a break up, the automatic response is to seek out what had previously rewarded us with good feelings (sex). So we return to the ‘sure thing’; the person, habit, behavior, that rewarded us before. It’s really just subconscious deductive reasoning. When you lack options, the tendency is to go back to what worked before. It’s the path of least resistance, because the perception is that it will be easier to return to that sure reward than to generate new rewarding situations (i.e. fear of rejection). The inherent problem with this is that, although this might work in the short term, what had been rewarding before  has fundamentally changed.

All of this now has been compromised by the ease with which we can now reconnect with our past intimacies. We still consider the person using the same metrics we had when we knew them 5-10, maybe 20 years ago. Our rational minds might, logistically, take into account the time and life changes that have occurred in that span, but our emotional perception is still one of the idealization we held for her. Maybe it was regret for having not invested more, or self-resentment for lacking the understanding of  how the Game fundamentally works at that time, but the emotional reaction competes with the rational observations.

Your rational side will see the physical ravages of time and the post-Wall desperation for provisioning a woman endures, but your emotional fights this with the decades old perception of the girl you knew and loved and wants for that to be reestablished, and particularly under the auspices of your now enlightened view of how women’s game really works. You know you could make it work now because your eyes are opened! Who wouldn’t want to go back in time to run Game on the girl who crushed his soul, or get back the girl he knew he was too beta to keep around?

As seductive as all that sounds, it’s very important to keep this dynamic in perspective. There’s not a lot of profit in revenge, nor is there any realistic way to right the past wrongs. You should always move forward. It’s hard not to take a little personal pleasure in having an old flame seek you out while your SMV is ‘out of her league’ – the reverse of how it was in the past – and you may think it some kind of karmic justice in just entertaining her, but in reality you’re just grabbing at shadows and wasting time.

Published by Rollo Tomassi

Author of The Rational Male and The Rational Male, Preventive Medicine

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Dirt Man
Guest

I think this is great advice. It reminds me of the adage, “be careful what you wish for.” I’d guess that for a lot of guys, hooking up with that girl from the past won’t be as great as imagined. There are exceptions I’m sure, but in general, I think you have it pegged with, “grabbing at shadows and wasting time.”

Calex
Guest
Calex

Actually, i think gaming and banging a chick who dumped you is a great way to put things in perspective and see how far you’ve come from your afc days.

as long as you do it for your own pleasure and as a test of your new found powers of cock, and not to get ‘revenge’ – go for it.

Good Luck Chuck
Guest
Good Luck Chuck

My first girlfriend contacted me via facebook a couple of years ago. We started talking and evidently she’s chained to a provider dude that “doesn’t like to do anything but sit around and drink beer” so she’s looking to get out. In the meantime she went back to school. She recently graduated, and her next facebook post was about how now that school is finished it’s time to get back in the gym 5 days per week. Anyone see where this is going? I played around with the idea of hitting it again. She wanted to meet up, but not… Read more »

Deep Dish
Guest
Deep Dish

This is off-topic, but here is a Robert Greene quote which I just happened to stumble upon: “When you show yourself to the world and display your talents, you naturally stir all kinds of resentment, envy, and other manifestations of insecurity… you cannot spend your life worrying about the petty feelings of others.” I thought you might want to use that quote sometime.

Muse
Guest
Muse

It’s amazing how a simple shift in the guys frame over time the effect it can have on ex’s or past women you have known. They can even get quite angry. Things like “you’ve changed”, “you’re not the same anymore” etc but at the same time their attraction is amplified through the roof.

whack
Guest
whack

I’ve acctually banged 4 or 5 of my ex girlfriends. It was generally not great but did not leave me worse off than if I had not done it. It really is low hanging fruit and there was hardly any emotional attachment involved. Still debating if I should do my ex wife, who recently seperated, I guess it is a bad idea, but ultimatly, I’m a weak man who often falls for temptation, so, well.

A♠ [Ace of Spades]
Guest
A♠ [Ace of Spades]

Odd coincidence:

This relates frighteningly well to a comment I left a couple days ago at the Château.

As always, thanks for your insight.

Waxey Gordon
Guest
Waxey Gordon

I’ve found the past of failed relationships can never be forgotten or repaired. It’s always in the back of the minds of the couple.

In other words, what caused the split the first time around will become the major focus the second time around and it will never go away. Trying to rekindle the romance is basically a suicide mission. A complete waste of time.

Don’t embarrass yourselves by trying to revive dead relationships, guys. Let them die with dignity. I’ve paid my dues and learned this the hard way, fellas.

Wudang
Guest
Wudang

Not relevant to the topic but you might like this article Rollo:

http://www.menweb.org/femexpos.htm

Mike C
Guest
Mike C

Wudang, great piece there, insightful, sobering analysis

Ceniek
Guest
Ceniek

The more I read your articles – the more respect I have for you.
You go very deep inside man’s (humans ?) soul.
Keep doing good job. I wish you all the best.

ivanhoseph77
Guest

Wudang – phenomenal link. It’s almost worth committing to memory. Fantastic analysis. I think the most brilliant and succinct I have read to date.

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Playdontpay
Guest
Playdontpay

Bumped into my ex unicorn oneitis last week, the girl/ lady who crushed me and led me here. Background on her and why I thought she was a unicorn at the time; Even though she was 39 when we met she is a physical outlier and just my type, easily a hb9 to me. This lady was married at 19 and divorced at 35 ( hubby cheating with his PA). Only one other relationship since the divorce that lasted 1 year before he moved away due to work and she didnt want LDR. So she presented herself as a “good… Read more »

Playdontpay
Guest
Playdontpay

Will do but might be a while as I’m busy at work for the next month and in 10 days she goes to Florida for 3 weeks with her 10 year old daughter so could take time to see how it plays out.

Will report back for anyone who is interested in this dynamic , see how she reacts to my frame etc.

kfg
Guest
kfg

” . . . 15lbs of weight gain that she attributed to a knee injury that meant 5 months off the gym . . .”

. . . but didn’t mean any time off the pantry. Weight is controlled by pizza reps. Time off the gym is an excuse, not a reason.

Playdontpay
Guest
Playdontpay

To be fair I think I over estimated that it’s probably more like 8-10 , still has a nice body.

kfg
Guest
kfg

And you go straight to offering an apology. Watch yourself in this situation.

Playdontpay
Guest
Playdontpay

Nope no apology just trying to paint a realistic picture of her SMV she’s only 5ft 3 and curvy Latina type body just noticed a bit more weight in her face and ass but probably overplayed it at 15lbs considering her height.

Believe me I’m well aware of the dangers of catching feels again for this chick but feel that I really have internalised red pill concepts I’m intrigued to see how she reacts to my new frame etc no way she’s going on a pedestal I’m aware of the dangers.

JohnD
Guest
JohnD

Also if you take her back to show her how you’ve changed and become more alpha over your beta past, you’re overlooking the fact that taking her back shows you haven’t changed at all. Just the taking her back will reduce her attraction to you. She’s riding the high of the possibility you might. When you actually do it’s game over. Move on.

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