You Need Sex

Index1

When I first got laid in 1985, I went to the bathroom, toweled off the equipment and walked down to 7-11 for a big gulp. No blue birds landed on my shoulder to whistle Disney songs and no ray of sunlight broke through the clouds to shine on me. Nor did I think “damn, that was terrible, I’ve lost all respect for myself, I’ll never be the same again,…sob!”, it felt pretty good. The traffic lights still worked, the busses ran on time (sorta) and food still tasted good.

I’ve had sex with over 40 women since then. I got laid first when I was 17 and on average I’ve been having sex with my wife 2-3 times a week (and a hummer on her off weeks) for coming up on 17 years now. Sex is a great part of life, sometimes it’s memorable, sometimes it’s taking care of myself, but it’s never been some epic experience of cosmic importance. It keeps you healthy in body, mind and spirit, and the best I can describe sex is that it’s an important part of a balanced life experience. People have been fucking a lot longer than anyone’s had time to contemplate the esoteric significance of sex.

I can remember listening to an episode of the Tom Leykis show when he was on terrestrial radio, and he described what sex is like for men. He said, sex is like taking a piss for a guy – sooner or later he’s got to take care of himself and let loose. Now, most guys would prefer to take a piss in a nice clean bathroom, where the towels smell good and he can feel comfortable and unhurried. Sure, he’d love to have the occasion to take a piss in the bathroom of a four star hotel with gold plated faucets and all the trimmings, but when he really has to go, he’ll stop along the side of the road or take a piss at a dirty gas station urinal. Sooner or later he’s gonna have to go.

What prompted today’s post was my reading a recent blog entry of a notable christo-manosphere commenter. I’m not going to name him since I think most of the readers who frequent Rational Male  from Dalrock or Sunshinemary’s blogs already know who I’m referencing. What’s important is his life’s plight. The nuts and bolts of his post was his lament in finding a suitable, monogamous mate to marry, have sex with and (presumedly) have a life and children with.

It’s not too tall an order for even the most abject Beta of men. To be sure, nowadays it increasingly requires a good amount of self-delusion and / or faith for a guy to consider monogamy, and red pill disillusionment can help or aggravate, but statistically more people are engaging in monogamy than not at some stage of their lives. However, this blogger feels doomed and relegated to what I can only assume is a self-inflicted life of celibacy due to his religious convictions and his inability to connect with the properly prescribed virgin bride who fits his ideal.

Now before I dive too far in here, I’m not going to debate the merits or limitations of this guy’s conviction. Before I started considering this post I realized I’ll be run up the moralist flagpole for even using his predicament as my example, but what I’m going to focus on is the need men (and by association women) have for sex. Try to keep this in mind.

Big Heads and Little Heads

One very common dismissal of red pill awareness I read from blue pill men is this feigned, blasé indifference to sex.

“All that Red Pill, PUA shit is for guy’s who obsess over sex. They only go to the lengths they do to get laid and never see the bigger picture. You don’t need sex you know, you wont die from not getting laid.”

For the most part this pseudo-indifference is really a feminized, conditioned, response couched in Beta Game. The idea, of course, is for the blue pill guy to promote the public perception that he’s above his sexual impulses in the hopes that any girl within earshot (or reading his comments online) will recognize his uniqueness in not letting his cock do his thinking for him. From a male deductive logic standpoint it makes sense to the feminized male – women have all told him how put off they are with guys who only think about sex, so he’ll identify with the women he’d like to get with and “not be like other guys.

Boys subscribing to this identification usually find themselves sexually frustrated by the very women they hope to connect with in their sexual indifference because, on a core level, women are psychologically insulted by men who actively desexualize themselves in order to get with them. Despite every verbal protestation women can muster, women are aroused by, and ego-affirmed by, Men who unashamedly display the covert social cues of wanting to fuck them.

Thats the Beta Game behind the “you don’t need sex” Buffer, but there’s more too this rationale than that. Technically the Beta reasoning is correct; physically, you’re not going to die if you don’t get laid. You could probably masturbate to relieve yourself or live a sexless existence due to a physical disability and live a productive life as satisfying as you can manage it. If you don’t know what you’re missing or if a sexual substitute does the job, what’s the difference, right? The line of reasoning is that if it isn’t food, water or oxygen it isn’t really a necessity for existence.

From an absolutist perspective it’s one of those conveniently unassailable positions that excuse a guy’s inability to get laid – “no one really needs sex, and if you think you do you’re obviously preoccupied with it and letting your little head do the thinking for you.” By this line of reasoning, basic necessities like clothing and shelter could be considered superfluous needs for living, but since it’s sex, and in most respects hedonistically enjoyable, special consideration has to be given.

The unhealthy disconnect here is that human beings do in fact need sex. We can attach other ephemeral aspects to the sex act (or masturbation if that’s the only recourse), like love, emotion, commitment, etc., but on a base level your body needs sexual release in one form or another. Yes, you can willfully override the need, just like you can overcome hunger while you’re fasting or on a hunger strike, but the need is still the operative in that act of will. Once hunger, breathing and thirst are satisfied, sex is the single most influential drive the human species (really, most any species) is motivated by. Society is driven by sex, cultures evolve around it and personal achievements, as well as horrible atrocities are the result of our inborn prompt to satisfy our sexual urges.

Sigmund Freud once said, “all energy is sexual”, meaning that subliminally we will redirect our motivation for ungratified sexual impulse to other endeavors. Thus it’s men, being the sex with the highest amount of libido inducing testosterone, who must look for far more outlets to transfer this motivation to than women. So is it any real surprise that it’s historically been Men who’ve primarily been the empire builders, the conquerors, the creators, and destroyers who’ve (for better or worse) moved humanity the most significantly?

Life Experience

If I said I felt pity for men like the blogger I mentioned earlier, who through their own conviction or bad circumstance, have never had sex in their lives, I don’t think I’d be accurate in expressing myself. I feel a profound sadness for them; a sadness similar to when you meet someone who’s lost a limb or has had to live with a physical or mental disability. For guys who want to tell you that you don’t need sex to live a fulfilling life I’m sure this sounds like conceit. There are plenty of inspirational individuals who live their lives without arms or legs, or with other disabilities, that we can all look up to for “overcoming the odds”, but the reason they are inspiring is because they must strive for a quality of life that others simply take for granted. Run a marathon and it’s quite an achievement, but do it as a paraplegic and it’s a triumph of human will.

Sometimes a sexless life is a choice of conviction, but more often it’s not a choice for men, it’s simply their circumstance. I grieve every time I read a comment by, or receive a painful request for help from a late 30’s man who’s still a virgin. Sex is a part of a healthy human experience; if you want to apply meaning to it, if you only consider its legitimacy within marriage or monogamy, or if you enjoy sex with many women, the function is still the same.

I felt this way after I read the aforementioned blogger relating his frustration about his not being able to find an appropriate woman to wife under today’s social climate. This post isn’t an attempt to convince him to adjust his expectations; I can’t necessarily empathize with his convictions or his reasonings (I’ve always enjoyed sex, and never felt guilt for enjoying it), however, I can empathize with his deep desire to become intimate and sexual with a woman. This healthy human experience is denied to him by conviction, but it doesn’t alleviate his desire for it.

He needs sex.

Published by Rollo Tomassi

Author of The Rational Male and The Rational Male, Preventive Medicine

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ash rehn counselling (@forwardtherapy)
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Is sex a ‘need’? And if so, what is the need: sex with another person or sexual expression generally that might, or might not, include masturbation? Is a ‘drive’ the same as a ‘need’? Are ‘horrible atrocities’ just the consequence of a ‘need’? Are sexual urges associated with such atrocities analogous to needs? If so, where do we draw the line if we say sex is a necessity? Does it mean we accept ‘horrible atrocities’ because they are committed out of necessity? Sex can be fun, a form of stress release, bring people closer, create connection, trust, hope, security, invigorate… Read more »

Chris
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Chris
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Sex is overrated and addictive. Having sex = immense amount of dopamine release, you are reprogramming the brain to crave that feelings once again. The brain isn’t designed to constantly have sex. I have nothing against having sex, but I’ll let the girls come to me when the oppertunity arises. I won’t go out of my way to try to pull a chick home. Why should I waste my time chasing after sex when I can study and become a doctor, then acquire said sex? Acquiring a doctors degree by the time I’m 25, specializing in cardiology and subsequently pulling… Read more »

Tam the Bam
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Tam the Bam
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Permanent Guest … not necessarily.
“men who will say “I need sex!” are the first to deny that they need a woman. You can’t have one without the other. “
For instance, in my country, there are few eligible women … and millions of sheep …

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[…] intend to respond to Rollo’s post on how Men Need Sex, which he wrote in response to my All Alone in the Dark […]

Rollo Tomassi
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The brain isn’t designed to constantly have sex.

No, it’s evolved to constantly assess sexual availability (men) and parental investment potential (women).

You might be better served reading this:
http://therationalmale.com/2011/11/17/the-pheromonal-beta/

But since we’re playing “Beat that Absolutism”, consider this:

Sex is a need, because without it, without the constant pursuit of diversifying the genetic pool, the human species dies out. Ergo, sex is a human need.

Seven Dials
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I was struck by me’s comment. Four years chaste and he feels dead inside. I can beat that by a factor of two. I’m betting we’re not that far apart in age either. I don’t feel dead inside, but I sure as hell have a lot of scar tissue. I had a distant and uninvolved father who was a midnight drinker, a co-dependent mother, and a whole trainload of unmet needs when entering calendar adulthood. Except nobody talked about “unmet needs” back then. It was called “I don’t know what’s wrong with you (me)”. Cutting a long story short, after… Read more »

Tgrln
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Tgrln
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Not related to this specific article, but to the broader theme of the blog. Here’s an example of the feminine imperative even in video games: grown up males must be presented as equals to teenage girls…
http://tinyurl.com/l3kj4o5

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gregg
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gregg
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“Run a marathon and it’s quite an achievement, but do it as a paraplegic and it’s a triumph of human will.” Agreed. I do not feel pity for sexeless man, on condition that it his own choosing. However, I honestly feel pity for every sex obsessed or married man, be it his own volition or not. This guy is able to make himself believe that his senseless slavery to his woman and children is goood, moreover has some, ehm, higher purpose. He is entirely happy in his role as a slave and has arrived at a goal he had soooo… Read more »

gregg
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@ seven dials “I don’t feel dead inside. I don’t even feel numb. The only reason I’d like to get laid again is to prove that, at my age, I Still Got It. Ego. Vanity.” This one. It is no different than having a new sports car, running our own company, etc. We have this innate feeling that we have to PROVE something, we have to achieve something, to be MEN. And we are dancing for our masters – women, to be choosen by them. Without this – without women, cars, children, job, work….we are NOTHING. This is the problem,… Read more »

cynical optimist
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cynical optimist
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@ seven dials It’s imperative to understand that both narcissism and borderline personality disordered people have incurred similar types of wounds in childhood from a dysfunctional family dynamic (i.e. alcoholic parent, BPD mother etc.) it’s only a natural selection process that we are drawn to people spinning on a similar axis ( similar stunted emotional growth be they, emotional abusers, controllers manipulators etc.) the reason the your relationships don’t work out is that neither person can resolve conflict in an adult manner and the standard default response is the single loop learned map from childhood. Have you been to therapy?… Read more »

Yep It's Me
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@Gregg “This is manifested in feelings of countless divorced guys..suddently they lost their masters – women, their property, their children. They were robbed of all they ever had, they were robbed of their own identity, their sense of self.” I don’t know if I buy the rest, but I do know this feeling – this sense of loss, or better yet, the sense of being “lost”. But I also read it thinking…if you’ve “lost” everything and there is nothing else to lose, why doesn’t that feel like freedom? Anger, rage against the whole thing? I know I’ve felt anger and… Read more »

gregg
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@ yep its me “I don’t know if I buy the rest, but I do know this feeling – this sense of loss, or better yet, the sense of being “lost”. But I also read it thinking…if you’ve “lost” everything and there is nothing else to lose, why doesn’t that feel like freedom? Anger, rage against the whole thing? I know I’ve felt anger and rage – disappointment – disillusionment – depressed – confused and generally out of sorts.” We DO have choice, do not worry. Unfortunatelly, if this feeling is your default condition, read the cynical optimist here –… Read more »

gregg
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gregg
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@ yep

sorry, bro, I have not noticed that you are other person than “seven dials”. Everything is all right.

Yep It's Me
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Yep It's Me
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@gregg…No prob. And actually I don’t disagree with what you wrote – it’s just that the part i copied really hit me.

Yep It's Me
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Yep It's Me
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@gregg

It’s hard sometimes to make sense of comments (because we sometimes use them more like forums – but we have what we have right) … I copied a portion of your comment, because as a Man well down the divorce path in my own life, what you wrote struck me – from a perspective of “what can’t this thing be a freeing thing, rather than a sucky thing?”.

So, it was just something I that I want to ponder and wanted to thank you for your insight.

Nyananaters
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Nyananaters
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This article was a bloody dose.

seven dials
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@ gregg Thanks. Get your point about being driven to achieve because we are men. Quite so and the way it should be, though achievement recognition. I don’t feel empty when I achieve by my lights, but sure I’ve felt empty when other people recognise something I don’t think is a big deal. When I said “Ego. Vanity” it was like a Good Thing. I think any motive that gets you into shape and achieving is a goodie – because being a dumb tub of lard when you could be otherwise is an absolute abuse of yourself. It was actually… Read more »

seven dials
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Sorry, that should be “achievement is not the same as recognition”. The thing ate my angle-brackets.

GTO
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GTO
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Not getting this post at all. If its specifically addressing some basement blogger that won’t bang any chicks because they aren’t “good enough” morally like Mother Teresa or have T&A like some starlet fine. But if this is really to men in general that sex is a “need”…..WTF??? Let me add to the list – Cold beer, Filet Mignon, Non-Well Vodka…. As someone who has actual real life needs met & 2 chics in rotation – Sex ain’t a need. If I’m broke I’ll set the sex to the side just as I would the cable tv subscription till I… Read more »

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mandeponium
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So many great comments, I can’t read them all. But I want to link to an article by the theologian Peter Kreeft about sex in heaven.

http://www.peterkreeft.com/topics/sex-in-heaven.htm

He talks about a lot things, but his main point is that sex is what you are, not something you do, and therefore an intrinsic piece of you that cannot be denied, even after death and resurrection.

empathologism
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The idea, of course, is for the blue pill guy to promote the public perception that he’s above his sexual impulses in the hopes that any girl within earshot (or reading his comments online) will recognize his uniqueness in not letting his cock do his thinking for him This is pursuit of *the lift*, the term Steve Dahl coined on Chicago radio in the 80’s and I have adapted to a cyber version. If the blogger is who I suspect it is, I do not see him chasing the lift, but when men do chase it they get, simply, positive… Read more »

Ton
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Ton
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Big themes like noble sacrifice get kicked around on the internet. Words are cheap and I doubt anyone preaching shit like that have really done anything like a noble sacrifice.

Deeds not words, but we live in the age of words not deeds.

The only reason a man needs a woman is sex. They have nothing real, substantial or enduring to offer beyond sex.

Lloyd
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Lloyd
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I want to strangle you with my own bare hands

[You’ll have to kiss me first.]

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[…] post is intended in part as a response to Rollo Tomassi’s post You Need Sex over at The Rational Male. However, it goes beyond the bounds of Rollo’s post and covers the […]

M Simon
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M Simon
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Sex every three days or oftener with the same woman – bonded. Any less – looking.

M Simon
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empathologism
July 6th, 2013 at 9:18 am

A variation of that game that gets you laid 75% of the time.

“Snuggle naked with me. No sex. I love the body contact.” True to my word I didn’t have sex with the, About 75% came back gagging for it. The other 25%? I got to snuggle naked with them.

If you keep at the girls most will give in to the naked snuggle if you work your game right.

Anthony
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Anthony
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“you wont die from not getting laid.”

Unless you commit suicide. I seriously considered it during my (almost entirely sexless) college years, but once I started getting laid, the “suicidal ideation” never got very far.

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[…] there’s an assumption among many that those who don’t, can’t.  There’s reason to think this way; unappealing […]

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[…] so pay attention. It cannot have been a simple desire to empty his balls that drove this man, as Tom Leykis has described, because he did not have […]

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[…] of Nevada). Honestly, I hold no disapproval for men who feel this is the best way to satisfy their need for sex and female contact. It may indeed be your best option under the current social […]

Tenet
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Tenet
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@ PermanentGuest: But as you may become sad over a man who says he has never had sex, I lament the man that has let his mind, body, and (dare I say) soul become controlled by a desire for sex, living life just looking for the next relief. That is like saying we are controlled by the desire for food or the desire for leisure or the desire for heat. We crave these things when we don’t have them, but once we have enough of them we think about other things. So it is with sex. If there is a… Read more »

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[…] ~Rollo Tomassi, from his essay You Need Sex […]

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[…] ~Rollo Tomassi, from his essay You Need Sex […]

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[…] ~Rollo Tomassi, from his essay You Need Sex […]

rugby11ljh
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rugby11ljh
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I need sex.

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[…] want (and yes, need) sex and will find behavioral and psychological adaptations and workarounds to get it. That may be […]

rugby11ljh
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rugby11ljh
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“don’t call it ‘losing’ your virginity. You didn’t lose anything:”

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[…] Beta would be, so his inner turmoil is one of the Paradox of Commitment conflict with his ‘need‘ and expectation of having sex with his […]

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[…] male thumbscrews, the Feminine Imperative has long exploited the sociological implications of men’s need for sex. One thing that slips by relatively unnoticed with social conventions that serve the Feminine […]

vivapatriarchy
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This idea you don’t need sex is very popular with MGTOWs. First to clarify what is a need and what isn’t. Species have to needs that drive them: to survive and to reproduce. So when people say “you don’t need sex” and use food, water and oxygen as evidence of needs they’re looking at needs from survival point of view but they forget to ask themselves what’s the point of surviving if you don’t reproduce? Human’s are social animals and our interactions are based on our needs. What do we need from this particular person we are dealing with now?… Read more »

Eve
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Eve
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As a Christian woman I blame Contraception. Marriage is for children not even for sex because if one can have sex without children (through use of contraception and abortion) then marriage appears obsolete (hence the rise of “gay marriage” another affect of the sexual revolution). So the problem comes down to the ubiquitousness of contraceptive use and how that has changed the meaning of sex and the way people approach it. Let’s be real women would not be running around sleeping around like this if pregnancy was a legitimate consequence of sex and abortion a dangerous inaccessible option. My best… Read more »

redlight
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redlight
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@eve

what is your opinion on blow jobs?

kfg
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kfg
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“I don’t subscribe to evolution theory, (molecules to man evolution anyways) . . .

Where do you suppose the extra 100+ pounds of mass comes from?

rugby11
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Victor
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Victor
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Sex increases the likelihood of divorce for women… Not so much for men (at least the stats don’t exist). Monogamy is the best environment for raising children. If there are no consequences for being a promiscuous man, I’m all for it; but so far, all I see is negative consequences…

rugby11
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rugby11
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CSP
http://wp.me/p4tvpM-1NVM

Genji
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Genji
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NO you don’t. You are just trying to sell us your products. Without sex, your entire site becomes worthless.

palmasailor
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palmasailor
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@genji

Without sex your entire life becomes worthless..

But we all know you know that right..

SFC Ton
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SFC Ton
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LOL you demand? What a stupid fucking cunt.

Oscar C.
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Oscar C.
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This is a quite a meritorious article, because it comes from a guy who has never struggled to get sex and yet he is able to understand quite well how inceldom feels. Neither my father or friends have so far. Kudos to you, Rollo. In my incel experience, the main problem with lack of sex is not biological but symbolic. I have lost interest in cinema and literature because I can not relate to the unavoidable love stories. I recall being in a cheerful mood some days and losing it upon seeing a couple making out. And so on. I… Read more »

Oscar C.
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Oscar C.
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*rolling in it

allyoucantthink
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I have not seen a more misguided article and more misguided comments. It completely hovers above the main issue. Men need sex, true that. But they don’t deserve what comes because of it. Many people in the comments are cursing Christianity, blaming it for sadness in their lives. Ok, tell me, what would according to you, be the appropriate level of sexual freedom and experience? Like Dinesh D’souza says,”Liberal, tell me when you will be CONSERVATIVE?”. Over the years, we have accepted more and more sexuality, to the extent almost all items are sold with a tag of sex. Yet… Read more »

theasdgamer
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@allyoucanthink

You are very confused and angry. You need to read all of Rollo’s posts before commenting. This post is about four years old and you are late to the party.

Oscar C.
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Oscar C.
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That was quite a rant, allyoucantthink. You can not live by the rules of the past (monogamy) when they are no longer morally or legally enforced. Older folks don’t really know how bad things are for the most part. We are literally living in the jungle. Unless massive political change ensues, we are left with what Julius Evola would have called “riding the tiger”, i.e. game. The only question that remains, and that Rollo does not really address, is whether there are REAL and seriously adverse health effects of not having sex. Does sexlessness lead to depression per se, or… Read more »

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[…] “Oh, how can men survive without sex?” or a sarcastic “No bloke can be in a relationship without sex” is a deemphasizing of the importance that the role of sex plays in a marriage and any intersexual relationship. Once again this is due to the separating of personal worth of a woman from the sexual mechanics of Hypergamy that prompt her to genuine arousal. The easiest solution is to cast men into the same sexual expectations as women; if women can forego sex then men ought to be able to “survive” without it too. […]

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[…] sexually distant to him. She is avoiding sex with him and this bothers Jack a lot. He is a man and he needs sex. In order to rekindle the fire, he arranges a one week vacation to the Bahamas with Suzy. He spends […]

Yollo Comanche
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Yollo Comanche
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“allyoucanthink” is right about ONE thing. It’s the leadership that has to change.

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[…] says you need sex. He admits you don’t strictly need it in order to stay alive; it’s not a need like air, […]

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[…] Çeviri : You need sex […]

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[…] post is intended in part as a response to Rollo Tomassi’s post You Need Sex over at The Rational Male. However, it goes beyond the bounds of Rollo’s post and covers the […]

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[…] last week, the notion that men need sex is nothing I haven’t covered in the past. In You Need Sex I made a case for the importance of sex and how it was, until recently, something that constituted […]

Scott
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Scott
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I never saw this post for some reason. It’s a topic that is filled with great tangential stuff that can be explored.

On masturbation, brought up in the comments: It reminds me of the book/movie “Interview with the vampire.” During dry spells, the vampires can eat animals like rats and chickens to semi-satiate and stay alive, but the blood is not really nourishing.

Masturbation is like that.

Scott
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Scott
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Also, one commenter brings up a good point. There is a third type of guy who uses the “you don’t NEED sex argument.” Most of the guys I know who talk like that are married, middle aged dudes who appear to have almost zero mojo/drive. When I tell them what my life is like, they often label me as a libertine or that I need to “master my passion.” I am told “sure, me and the wife still do it sometimes, but its not swinging from the light fixture, knock it out of the park crazy.” They tell me that… Read more »

Blaximus
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Blaximus
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Oh my gawd, some people are certifiably insane.😂😆

Not having a healthy libido is a sign of health or even mental problems. It’s like a man has a heart condition that causes him to be extremely winded after climbing a small flight or stairs, and his ultimate solution is that he doesn’t need to climb stairs. No big deal.

Advice from people like this is as worthless as their opinions.

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