Women & Regret

Paradox on the SoSuave forum had an interesting question after reading War Brides:

I’ve seen it mentioned here in passing but I would like to know how women handle regret.

How do they handle decisions that may affect their destiny?

Moments like:

Seeing someone on a train, bus, coffee shop, grocery store but not saying hello when the moment comes.

Meeting someone great at a party but not exchanging numbers.

Not calling back a guy

I have seen low IL changed to high IL but do women generally waver in their interest level all of the time?

The funny thing about regret is, it’s better to regret something you have done, than regret something you haven’t done.

Any observational answer I could offer here is going to have to be adjusted to account for women’s inherent solipsism – everything is about her, and everything confirms her assessments as the default. As such, you have to bear in mind that regret, for women, usually begins from a point of how a missed opportunity could’ve better benefitted themselves. The root of this is grounded in women’s constant, in-born psychological quest for security. Hypergamy, by necessity, makes for solipsistic women in order to best preserve the survival integrity of the species. That’s not to say women can’t sublimate that impulse as necessity dictates, but just as men must sublimate their sexual imperative, women begin at a point of tempering the insecurity that results from hypergamy.

Guilt and Regret

Using hypergamy as a woman’s point of origin, this affects how women process regret. At this point I should note that guilt and regret are not cut from the same vine. You can feel guilty about something you did or didn’t do, as well as feel regret for something you did or didn’t do, but the two are not synonymous. I want to avoid that confusion here from the outset, because guilt is associated with a lingering negativity, while regret comes from different motivations. If you did something you feel guilty about, you probably regret it, but you can regret something you have no feelings of guilt about.

After you finish reading this post check out the ‘Missed Connections’ section on your areas Craig’s List. Read the differences in tone, vernacular and purpose of both men and women lamenting a missed chance at something they hoped might develop. There’s no guilt involved in this wishful thinking, only a regret for not having taken an action.

Women’s Regret

Women’s experience of regret depends upon the degree or intensity of the encounter in relation to their own conditions. I know that sounds like psycho-babble, but let me explain. If, and to what degree, a woman experiences regret in the situations Paradox is describing, these are directly proportional to her self-worth versus the (perceived) value of the encounter.

At the risk of coming off as shallow again, the fat chick who thinks she blew a shot at a Brad Pitt will regret it more than the HB 9 who happened to lose an “average” guy’s phone number. I’m going to catch fire for this I’m sure, but it’s really an autonomous response for human beings to make subconscious comparisons and employ a natural ego preservation. While it’s latent psychological function is to help us learn from experience, generally regret is painful, so our natural response is to defend against it. We tend to regret not capitalizing on situations where the perceived reward value is high. The psychological buffer of course comes in rationalizing the actual value potential of that missed opportunity or minimizing the negative impact of the taken opportunity.

So the debate is really how do women in particular process this reward valuation with regard to men? Again, I’ll say it breaks down to subliminally recognizing their self-worth, modified by social affirmations and then comparing it with the value of the encounter. Even semi-attractive women (HB 6-7) have a subconscious understanding that most intersexual encounters they have are mediated by their frequency – how rare was that opportunity? Meaning if a girl is constantly reinforced with male attention (guys asking her out all the time, social media influences, etc.) the rarity of any one encounter is compared against the frequency with which guys are hitting on her. This is female Plate Theory in action. If you happen to be one among many of the throngs of her suitors she’s less likely to regret not following up with you in relation to the extraordinary (see Alpha) guy she perceives has a higher value than she’s normally used to being rewarded with.

Published by Rollo Tomassi

Author of The Rational Male and The Rational Male, Preventive Medicine

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The Shocker
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The Shocker

A girl I was seriously involved with (90 lb. homecoming queen, it became a LDR) did me dirty 4 years ago- I cut her and all her friends off as soon as I found out. Recently a friend told me he ran into her one year ago and she invited him to a party at her house for old times sake. While he was there, in the middle of the party she had a breakdown and they talked in her room for an hour while she was crying because she still feels regret- even though her boyfriend was at the… Read more »

gregg
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gregg

regret and woman is very interesting question. Core of woman is empty – it has to be so, to be able to absorb WHATEVER ensures her survival. Genuinely absorb. Man would fight for freedom, ideas, religion, morals. Woman would gladly abandnon everything – if it benefits her well being and survival. Her nature is inherently protean – she could be innocent virgin in one moment and dirty slut in another. She could be loving mother and supporting wife and a year after cold bitch with traits even satan himself would be proud of having. And after all – she is… Read more »

Hong Kong TangoFest
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A girl I went out with a few years back pre-game went overboard on the shit-tests and eventually I dumped her. To this day we remain friends and sometimes hang out. But at least once a year, she’ll call me out of the blue crying about how much she misses me and that things didn’t work out. I’m always alpha…strong…changing the subject. I think that only makes her want me more. The more I try to get her off the phone, the more she’s telling me what a great guy I am and how she regrets treating me badly blah… Read more »

YOHAMI
Guest

Speaking from my experience, women experience: Regret: when they miss on an opportunity. However if the opportunity presents again, they would still not take it. So “regret” is really a shape of “unfairness” or unjustice: It’s not fair that the my number won the lottery precisely the day I didnt buy a ticket – it’s not fair that I like Brad Pitt so much and he’s not talking to me. Why unfariness instead of actual regret? because when a woman adopts regret, that makes her an active asset, which feels uncomfortable, while if she puts it outside, and she’s a… Read more »

YOHAMI
Guest

I have paid attention to if women feel regret / guilt when they inflict pain, even unavertedly on someone else, like lovers, partners, or other female friends. I havent found any evidence.

When they hurt a female friend, it’s only when the friend cries and demands attention that she will empathize – but the empathy will be suspended if the hurt friend becomes accusatory.

So I dont think we can talk about regret / guilt from a male-moral-code point of view.

I´d like to know what Stingray has to say about this.

Sam Spade
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Sam Spade

In both sexes, as options go up, the propensity to regret diminishes.

anonymoushopefully
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anonymoushopefully

I agree with everyone above. And from personal experience, I liken it to their “black book”, or their “shoebox (or storage unit)” of “memories” they hold onto with that “perfect” someone – or every perfect one they were with. When I’ve been that someone, like above mentioned, they will call, months, years later, still expressing their “regret”, love for me, etc…and “if only” and always looking for one thing – to see if I still “love” them, because they still “love” me. Or they call crying about something, to which I respond with, why are you calling me, stop crying,… Read more »

dragnet
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dragnet

Rollo Tomassi, call your office–

Woman writes book about how “swagger” and confidence is what’s bringing down young men and boys:

http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/three-biggest-fears-raising-boys-today-025400779.html

YOHAMI
Guest

haha. holy fuck.

Vicomte
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Vicomte

Yohami’s articulated this perfectly. I agree with everything said.

Every girl, every time, I have yet to see evidence to the contrary.

Cream
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Cream

Excellent breakdown.

FFY
Guest

Exactly. I’ve had times when I’m in completely in the zone. Girl here, girl there, girl drops out, new one comes, and so forth. There is so much going on, you don’t even have time to regret anything (regrettable or not). Then when times slow I got these feelings, not so much missing them but definitely wishing they had stayed around or that I might have done something differently. But that’s just lack of options talking because everything was great when things were hot, it’s not anything meaningful and there really wasn’t anything I would *actually* change. During those times… Read more »

Stingray
Guest

Yohami, This will be incomplete as I have not slept much of late. 3 sick kids and I came down with it yesterday. My brain is foggy, so ask for clarification if needed. I really can’t speak for other women as I don’t think it’s the same for young women today as it was for my generation growing up. I believe their sense of entitlement has blunted their feelings. I do know that women are capable of feeling these things, but the feelings are intensely uncomfortable so we fight to make them go away. Rollo had a post on how… Read more »

Johnycomelately
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Johnycomelately

+1
“Cleansing agent”, sometimes I think the confessional process instituted by religion was solely designed for women, men take the pangs of guilt to the grave.

Johnycomelately
Guest
Johnycomelately

Holy shit!

I have a female friend who still talks about leaving a guy when she was 22, she is now 37 and has hit the wall hard, while he is now a millionaire entrepreneur banging 18 year olds on some European coast.

Stingray
Guest

Also, I think a large part of a woman’s feeling of guilt stem from how she made the other person feel rather than what she actually did.

Candide
Guest

Which is why the most common “sincere apology” from women is “I’m sorry you feel that way” not “I’m sorry for what I did to you”.

Team-Red
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Team-Red

I would ask the seemingly large cohort of single, childless, 30+ year old women if they have any ‘regrets’ for not dialing down their over inflated hypergamy and for not settling one of the likely 4-6 suitors she could’ve had in her Prime SMV years.

There must be a point in time when she realizes that the 6’3″, 250k a year investment banker just ain’t showing up at the door?

‘There aren’t any good men left’ will be her excuse post hamster wheel run, and a weekend trip to the cattery will soon follow after cutting her hair off. Boom!

Team-Red
Guest
Team-Red

http://dissention.wordpress.com/2012/06/11/the-cock-carousel-as-art/

Guilt? Regret? Guilt then Regret?

Daniel
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Daniel

The one ex from my past that really did a number on me had stuff on her Pinterest like “Just because I have a smile on my face doesn’t mean I don’t have problems” or something like that and “I cry not because I’m weak, but because I’ve been strong for too long”

M
Guest
M

yup.

and she comes up as a quiver match on my recently made OKCupid. hahah

Emma the Emo
Guest

Are you sure this is the typical female thinking process about guilt and regret? I had something like that, only I’d call it pathological perfectionism.

YOHAMI
Guest

I dont know if it’s typical, that’s just what I’ve encountered firsthand.

Stingray
Guest

I took it to the Nth degree to make it easier to understand and explain, but I do think this is how women tend to deal with feelings of guilt and regret, yes. Of course, depending on each situation, the degree to which this all happens will be different.

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Big Pimp
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OMG! LMFAO !! Thats how i plan to roll. Stick it in my Ex’s ass. Become a millionaire and clown everyone. Single, with no kids 🙂

Randy
Guest

” Core of woman is empty – it has to be so, to be able to absorb WHATEVER ensures her survival”

What a weird thing to say.

Wingwoman
Guest
Wingwoman

So dumb.l know old woman and the only ones with regrets are the ones who stayed with d-bags for the sake of those ungrateful dissappointing prats known as childern.

Men want childern WAY more than the average woman does. That’s probably why men usually want sex more too.

Wingwoman
Guest
Wingwoman

I actually don’t think there is much differance between men and woman on the topics of regret and guilt about relationships. There is a strong correlation to number of partners. For woman having or not having childeren is not as big a deal as people make it out to be. Believe it or not woman have a life and self worth outside of using are vaginas despite what some people would like to think. The grass is always greener and it’s real easy to think of would could should ofs as positives one might have missed and forget the negatives… Read more »

Wingwoman
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Wingwoman

I agree with most of that except the in the eyes of others part. Your basic flaw is just puting to much of the focus external although it could be a part of it. Womans feelings are much more internally generated and external is more validation or conflict.

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Sal Ceech
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Sal Ceech

Rollo .. here,s one for the brothers 😉 … this to me represents a “how do you know if you have unplugged”. I know I have cuz ,I would not give up the hummer … enjoy =)

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[…] Women & Regret […]

Jack
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Jack

I don’t think women really ever regret anything because the sheer power of their rationalization hamster. I think after enough time has passed they have figured out a way to compartmentalize and rationalize whatever ills or issues they have faced.

I’m 100% certain they never regret screwing over a beta or someone who they lost interest in. I’ve seen some women mumble the words of regret but deep down in places they don’t talk about they really don’t regret what they did.

Women have no sympathy for weak men. Zero.

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[…] extra-pair infidelity isn’t rooted in guilt. That’s not to say women don’t feel guilt or regret, it’s just to say that the functional purpose of the confession doesn’t subconsciously […]

bismarck
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Kate Middleton Reportedly Felt Meghan Markle “Used Her to Climb the Royal Ladder” and Told Her So at Christmas:

https://www.cosmopolitan.com/entertainment/amp25744837/kate-middleton-felt-meghan-markle-used-her-climb-royal-ladder/

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