Perfecting the Fantasy

Here’s a secret – there’s no such thing as contentment.

Being content implies that life is static; it’s not, and to be honest, how boring would that be anyway? Life consists of varying states of discontent: why else would you bother doing anything? But the good news is that it’s more fun and more beneficial to manage discontent than to endure contentment (which you can’t anyway since it’s transitory at best). The trick is to understand that there are 2 kinds of discontent – creative and destructive discontent. What you choose to do with that discontent makes all the difference in the world. You will only get what you’ve gotten if you keep doing what you’ve done. Don’t allow yourself to fall back into old destructive habits of dealing with discontent. Don’t bother with anti-depressants and self-help books when a good hard workout at the gym would serve you better.

The truth is I’m always discontent, but constructively so. The minute you can look yourself in the mirror and be happy with what you see you’re sunk. You can always improve, even after achieving things that were once very important and difficult to attain. Happiness is a state of being, it’s in the ‘doing’ not the ‘having done.’ It’s not about endlessly chasing your tail, it’s about being better than you were the day before.

Creating the Fantasy

There will always be an element of fantasy and idealism that can never be realized, but always be sought after. Women (and really any gender) will always be happier in that discontent, because it makes the times that it’s gratified all the sweeter. The idea of Romance just happens to be women’s food of choice. In fact it’s very similar to shopping; it’s not the buying that gets them off, it’s the act of shopping, it’s prolonging that purchase to better savor the experience. It’s foreplay. Forestalling the climax to heighten the experience.

When I was 26 I had a workout partner named Dean. Dean was drop dead gorgeous, unbelievably cut and women would flock to the guy regularly. Dean was the guy you’d see on hotchickswithdouchebags.com with his arm around some impossibly hot HB9.5. He was also a male stripper at one of the strip clubs that had a male revue night once a month. The guy made money hand over fist and was always a crowd favorite. I was dating a stripper named Angie at the time so I was pretty familiar with the club owners. One thing I noticed about the most successful male strippers was that they were almost universally the ones who sold a story to the women in the audience as part of their act. Dean used to do a Fireman skit that would drive these women (young and old) into a frenzy. Another guy would do the hot executive fantasy in an Armani suit and give away flowers to the ladies – classy, but building up to him stripping down to a thong. The guys without an act never made as much in tips. It wasn’t as satisfying for the women as the fantasy aspect that Dean and a few others would sell. Women get off differently than men. For a guy, a hot stripper in nothing but a g-string grinding out a lap dance is enough to get him aroused. Women need that ungratified fantasy to get them aroused. They want a character to play the role they have in their head.

It’s the anticipation. I could go into detail about how all the most traditionally romantic behaviors women associate with romance originated in courtly love contests with suitors trying to out do others with poetry, sonnets, acts of devotion, etc. but these are the behaviors, not the motives that prompt them. Women need a build up. Yes, romance has an unbelievable potential for manipulation, but it’s that nagging, itching, sexual anxiety that, as much as they’d like to protest the opposite, is what they enjoy the most. Uneducated men simply don’t make this romance-to-anxiety connection and the prospect of being romantic gets distorted and borken down into simple acts – “if I bring her flowers, she’ll be inclined to fuck.” This is the AFC who thinks comfort and familiarity are the path to intimacy – wrong!

I’ve always made a point of guys encouraging and propagating a woman’s anxiety. Whether that comes by way of perceived sexual competition, uncertainty of sexual satisfaction, teasing, flirting, neg hits or positioning her into qualifying for him, the point being a sustaining of the discomfort of that anxiety. It’s the discomfort that heightens her arousal, peaks her interest and makes her pursue.

Far too often this is a principle that’s entirely lost on damn near EVERY AFC. AFCs think that perpetuating anxiety is counterintuitive because they believe in the filtering social convention that women want comfort, rapport and familiarity in order to become sexual. They swallow the “friends-first” mythology and so, deductively, they spill out their life’s story as fast as possible in an effort to make her as comfortable as possible (and get sexual as fast as possible). The AFC isn’t perceived as a woman’s idealized character for exactly this reason. There’s no fantasy entertained, no anticipation and his attention is worthless because she doesn’t have to earn it. He gets frustrated because he’s doing all the Romantic ‘things’ but she still isn’t sexual, and most likely sees him as a friend, all because he’s gone wholly over into the comfort and rapport stage by preempting the anxious, sweaty, nervous, uncertain arousal stage that she love every moment of, but will never admit to enjoying.

Law 32: Play to People’s Fantasies
The truth is often avoided because it is ugly and unpleasant. Never appeal to truth and reality unless you are prepared for the anger that comes from disenchantment. Life is so harsh and distressing that people who can manufacture romance or conjure up fantasy are like oases in the desert: Everyone flocks to them. There is great power in tapping into the fantasies of the masses.

The Stripper Effect

There is a male counterpart to this need for fantasy. If you’re approached by a woman obviously not in (what you believe) is your “league” and she’s expressing blatant IOIs and approaches you, this is what I term the ‘Stripper Effect.’ Men are so accustomed to having to be the initiators and dealing with rejection (and potential rejection) that they’ll willingly pay for the attentions of an attractive woman giving them a $20 lap dance and this becomes physically and psychologically gratifying.

7 comments

  1. “One thing I noticed about the most successful male strippers was that they were almost universally the ones who sold a story to the women in the audience as part of their act. Dean used to do a Fireman skit that would drive these women (young and old) into a frenzy. Another guy would do the hot executive fantasy in an Armani suit and give away flowers to the ladies – classy, but building up to him stripping down to a thong. The guys without an act never made as much in tips.”

    Adam Carolla once explained his dynamic when he made a rant on Hot Chicks With Douchebags. Every guy needs to pick a direction. Women need something to hook themselves onto a guy; they’re like casting agents who typecast their leading role—whether it’s for the brother from the city, a surfer, a Don Juan, a douche bag on a crotch rocket. Be a character, cultivate an image, develop your brand. The “middle of the road guys” who are directionally rudderless don’t get laid.

    Law 25: Re-Create Yourself
    Do not accept the roles that society foists on you. Re-create yourself by forging a new identity, one that commands attention and never bores the audience. Be the master of your own image rather than letting others define if for you. Incorporate dramatic devices into your public gestures and actions – your power will be enhanced and your character will seem larger than life.

  2. Whenever this topic comes up I am always reminded of this 90’s song by Garbage:

    I’m only happy when it rains
    I’m only happy when it’s complicated
    And though I know you can’t appreciate it
    I’m only happy when it rains
    You know I love it when the news is bad
    Why it feels so good to feel so sad
    I’m only happy when it rains

    Both you and Dish bring up good points. Men might never be satisfied with their wealth/status/power, but hypergamy dictates that women are never satisfied with the wealth/status/power of their partner.

    ” The idea of Romance just happens to be women’s food of choice. In fact it’s very similar to shopping; it’s not the buying that gets them off, it’s the act of shopping, it’s prolonging that purchase to better savor the experience. It’s foreplay. Forestalling the climax to heighten the experience.”

    This is a very important point that all men need to learn. Anticipation and uncertainty drive women NUTS.

    Been watching this play out recently with a chick I met several months ago. She’s one of those girls who throws off all of the signals of being smitten by me despite the fact of having a boyfriend who she claims to love.

    Due to a couple of factors I decided against pursuing anything sexual with her, but we share a common hobby and I am trying to make some new friends in that scene so I decided to keep her around.

    Met up with her a few times, most of the time with her boyfriend. Since I am not pursuing her the aloof, indifferent, mysterious part of me naturally materializes.

    It’s funny being cognizant of the hamster when you have no skin in the game. If you look closely you can see smoke coming off of the wheel when you trigger this circuit. At that point it becomes a game to see how far you can take it.

    Anyway, I have been very stingy with the information I have shared with her about me. As the weeks dragged on I could tell she was dying to know more about me. Had to cancel on a party she invited me to. Chance would have it that she “just missed” meeting some of my friends when we were out.. Basically, the way it went down I am still a big mystery to her.

    So the other day after a brief text exchange where I had to turn down another party invite by her, she sends me a text saying “You know, one day I would really like to meet some of your friends. That is, if I am allowed to”.

    This was totally out of the blue, after I told her I wouldn’t be able to attend her party due to a prior obligation. It kind of caught me off guard but then when I thought about it I realized what was happening. My lack of investment in her was causing the hamster to spin out of control.

    I don’t know what she has built up in her mind about who or what she thinks I am, but it is most certainly a lot more than I could ever possibly measure up to in real life.

    And that’s the lesson. Create the fantasy starting from the moment you meet her and keep building the story line indefinitely. Never, I repeat N-E-V-E-R take the plot line over the edge. Situation, action, climax, resolution. If you ever reach the climax you’re done. This is why it is of utmost importance that you keep raising your true SMV. You can maintain the plot by keeping some distance and maintaining a dominant frame, but at the end of the day who can keep up with a bunch of psychological jousting indefinitely? Much better to cultivate TRUE value. That way there will always be a nagging question in the back of her mind about whether or not she is making a bad decision if she screws you over.

  3. You’ve made a few points in your post. Coincidentally I’ve also been chewing on changing my style.

    Your other point about contentment is more contentious, and has me thinking. A few thoughts: it’s been studied that people have set points of happiness that don’t vary much throughout our lives. However I believe it’s also been studied that this set point can be re-set to a higher point, through some practices, such as Buddhist mindfulness and compassion practices. Also in my own life I’ve noticed periods of happiness and contentment that were based on causes and conditions. Lately pretty well every day my internal dialogue comes up with “I’m really very, very happy, life is good”. And I’ve had other periods in my life – many actually – where my internal dialogue spontaneously generated that thought several times a day. The thought usually coincides with a warm feeling in my chest.

    So I’d say contentment may not be a permanent state, but it can be a generalized one.

  4. That’s why vague “Trial texts” work so well.

    I was flaked on by a hot girl 3 weeks ago.

    I blew it off.

    Then sent a trial text that went something like this:

    “Hey, halloween. too many lady gagas…”

    Great way to get the hamster spinnning: “What does he mean?”

    In this case she didn’t reply and I had my answer.

    But better than they AFC text “What’s up?” and getting no answer.

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