Women & Sex

“Booty is so strong that there are dudes willing to blow themselves up for the highly unlikely possibility of booty in an other dimension. There are no chicks willing to blow themselves up for a penis.”
– Joe Rogan

One of the single most annoying tropes I read / hear from men (more so than women) is the “Women are just as / more sexual than men” canard. Nothing stops me in my tracks more abruptly than reading this line parroted back in some form by a self-effacing white knight trying to convince himself, hope against hope, that it could be true. This is a VERY effective feminine social convention, even internalized and spouted back by the likes of more than a few infamous PUAs. This fantasy belongs among the higher order social convention myths like the Myth of Sexual Peak. Just a rudimentary knowledge of female biology is all that’s needed to deconstruct the myth.

Women are more sexual than men, but they are repressed due to a lack of “trust”.

Patently false. A healthy male produces between 12 to 17 times the amount of testosterone a woman does. It is a biological impossibility for a woman to want sex as much as, or as often as men. Trust me, when a woman says, “I don’t understand why sex is so important to guys” she’s speaking the literal truth. No woman will ever experience 17 times the amount of her own testosterone levels (barring steroids). Amongst it’s many other effects, testosterone is the primary hormone involved with stimulating human libido. I should also add that, on average, and barring environmental variables, a mans testosterone only declines 1% per year beyond age 40, so even at age 60 the average, healthy male is only dealing with an average 20% deficit in testosterone.

Critics of this observation like to argue that, for female sexual response and arousal, testosterone isn’t the only factor to consider. To which I’ll agree, however it is the PRIMARY factor in sexual response. A woman cannot possibly understand what 12 to 17 times their present amount of testosterone could feel like without steroid use. In fact the first effect female bodybuilder report when cycling anabolic steroids is a 100 fold increase in sexual interest and libido. So in terms of natural female hormonal / biochemical response there is no unaltered way a woman could ever make an accurate comparison to what a man’s baseline libido is in relation to her own. Women’s sexual desire is also cyclical. Even at the peak of her ovulatory cycle, when she’s at her horniest, she’ll never experience what men do 24 hours a day. This is the root of the myth, and the source of the social convention.

Other critics would erroneously argue that estrogen plays a part in female sexual arousal. They’d be wrong.

Estrogen does ‘control’ libido – for menEstrogen have a look at the Functions section here. And while you’re at it you may want to have a look atTestosterone; and in particular this:

Like men, women rely on testosterone to maintain libido, bone density and muscle mass throughout their lives. In men, estrogens simply lower testosterone, decrease muscle mass, stunt growth in teenagers, introduce gynecomastia, increase feminine characteristics, and decrease susceptibility to prostate cancer. Sexual desire is dependent on androgen levels rather than estrogen levels.

I also understand that female sexuality functions differently than male sexuality, but this only reinforces my point. Women’s sexuality is cyclic, not only on a monthly schedule, but also over periods of a lifetime (menopause, and peak fertility for instance). There are periods over a month and a lifetime where sexual desire waxes and wanes, (healthy) men’s stays relatively constant from puberty to about age 40. Women are slower to arouse, they tend to need more than just visual stimulation, and there is definitely a psychological element (they need a fantasy) necessary. Men only need visual stimulation and minimal feedback to get aroused (i.e. porn).

It should come as no shock that post-menopausal hormone therapies use testosterone to boost women’s flagging libidos too. When women are at the peaks of their ovulatory cycles, low and behold they experience a sharp spike in testosterone levels in order to facilitate pregnancy and then it gets flushed out during menstruation. You can debate about how best to get a woman’s testosterone flowing, but it’s testosterone that’s needed to prompt a sexual response.

Now the real question is, why would such a popular myth be such a useful social convention? Think about it. It sexualizes women, while not making them outright sluts. They can avoid the stigma of promiscuity while presenting the fantasy that they are secretly “more sexual” than they are “allowed” to be, if only they could meet a man skilled enough to bring this out in them. It’s a sexual selection convention. The fantasy is that women are really these wolves in sheep’s clothing for the right guy. To an extent this is true. Studies do indicate that women in their peak fertility window do in fact aggressively seek out Alpha males for conventional sexual encounters. However, again, the root of this social convention is in the presumption that “women are just as sexual as men”, which is simply not the case considering the conditionality of the female sexual response.

No self-interested Man is ever going to be encouraged to refute the idea that women are equally preoccupied with, equally aroused as, or equally desirous of sex as men are. We love the fantasy that women are secretly yearning for sex with us, if only society were more open and accepting of feminine sexuality. Yet, in the same breath we’ll hear about how slutty and aggressive women have become in the fall of western society by the same guys. It’s ironic, but it gives guys hope that if they can find the secret formula to unleashing the sexual beast within every woman he’ll find this insatiable she-devil to pair off with monogamously. If women were men’s sexual equals, why would they not be given to the same drives that conflict with monogamy? Imagine a world where women are as horny as men. Think of a gay bath house and you might have a workable model.

Women of course love to encourage and reinforce this social convention because it sounds like empowerment in the face of patriarchal sexual oppression (yes, we’d be more sexual if you’d only allow us to you evil men), while at the same time tacitly acknowledging that turns men into white knight sympathizers of the cause (i.e. feminine entitlement and primacy).

The point of my starting this topic wasn’t to debate whether or not women are sexual at all – obviously they are – however it was my intent to draw attention to the canard that women (and their would-be male identifiers) would like everyone to believe, “women are just as / more sexual than men”. No woman can make a realistic assessment about that unless she’s had 12 -17 times her natural testosterone levels increased and lived in a man’s biological condition. Just on the face of it the assertion is silly, but as I said, for women it’s empowering to think that women are “just as sexual” as men. And female-identifiers are all too happy to reinforce that meme because it offers them the hope of getting laid with one of these ‘sexually repressed’ women.


47 responses to “Women & Sex

  • YOHAMI

    I´d say women are horny, period, just not “as” men.

  • deti

    “Imagine a world where women are as horny as men. Think of a gay bath house and you might have a workable model.”

    To me this is the key to the “women can’t be as horny/sexual as men” meme. If it really were true that women wanted sex as much as men, nothing would ever get done because everyone would be having sex literally all the time, only after eating and voiding.

    Roissy/heartiste did something like this, saying things like imagine a world where women were as horny as men. People would have sex all the time, everywhere — in public, before breakfast, after lunch, at work, in public parks, in the open in broad daylight, during supper, in the presence of your kids or family members.

  • MacAgent

    Vid is hilarious! As is the feminine premise. Excellent debunk Rollo.

  • xsplat

    He he. You just described a few of my relationships.

  • jack

    I am a firm believer that both sexes have certain equivalencies, as opposed to being “equal”.

    It is said that men think about sex every few minutes. I don’t know if this is true because I cannot account for every conscious thought – when I see a woman and my natural male eye for female looks is triggered, am I “thinking” about sex? Or am I just noticing what a woman looks like?

    When I see an old woman, is my automatic rejection of her as sexually desirable also “thinking about sex”? I suppose at some caveman level it is.

    Anyway, to my point:

    Since the eons-old exchange between men and women was basically sex for resources (and power/status as a proxy for resources), I would propose that women have a power-thinking process in their heads that completely mirrors the sex-thought process of men.

    And not just their OWN power, but observing of power dynamics among others as seen from a distance. In other words, a fascination with power in all its forms. Just like men think about many elements of sex. This seems completely natural since men have always had to develop power to get sex, and women use sex to extract power from men.

    Listen to women talk sometime, and you will notice that they have the artist’s eye for every shade and hue of power that exists. They pay attention to the smallest of slights, potential insults, and so forth. They notice who wields power over whom within and organization (work or social) and whom they should align with in order to catch the wave of someone else’s power. Being the physically weaker sex, generally, this rapt attention to power differentials and interaction is natural, in my opinion.

    Women chase power and status the way men chase tail.

    Consider a deal-with-the-devil thought experiment:

    A woman is offered complete and total rule over a land and its people – her will shall become law. But sex is off the table forever.

    What portion of women would accept that deal?

    Now imagine that a man is given that offer. Would there be a noticeably different number of takers?

    I think most men (in their most feral state), would gladly be a minimum-wage retail employee if it meant an endless supply of young hot women.

  • Rollo Tomassi

    Some statistical facts I should add to this analysis:

    Women masturbate less, fantasize about sex less frequently, and initate sex less often than men.

    Women report low sexual desire much more often than men.

    Among medical professionals who treat sexual disorders, low female desire is the single most common complaint.

    In women, desire is much less likely to initiate orgasm-seeking behavior.

    Women are much more likely than men to pursue sex for reasons other than sexual pleasure.

    Women are more likely to report low desire as a result of relationship difficulties.

    Take that for what it’s worth, but even with simple statistics it’s pretty evident that women’s sex impulse is not comparable to men’s.

  • jack

    When women are feeling down, they turn to porn – aha- but not man porn, power porn, such as sex and the city, or any other similar powerful-woman message.

    For many women, “rubbing one off” comes in the form of fantasizing about getting her way in interpersonal relationships.

  • Flahute

    “They notice who wields power over whom within an organization (work or social) and whom they should align with in order to catch the wave of someone else’s power.”

    So true. I have observed this in several of the corporate, career women I have been involved with. One of them admitted how she loved to watch men spar in the boardroom to show each other who has the biggest balls. These were her words.

  • johnnymilfquest

    “Imagine a world where women are as horny as men. Think of a gay bath house and you might have a workable model.”

    +1.

    Stephen Fry got into lots of trouble for making the same point.

  • Romantico

    My personal experience has been that women are super horny these days, but I am referring to closed door sexual rendezvous in a relationship, especially in short term relationships where the mate hasn’t been completely secured. I am always amazed at their ability to orgasm, the moans of pleasure, multiple orgasms, and whole body convulsions. At times, I honestly feel left out. I do have to say that I am not super horny like most guys so there is the issue of relative horniness when compared to women.

    Apart from the time around the period, they seem to be pretty wild in bed. An important factor for women is how attractive the guy is, apparently there was some study(isn’t there one for everything?) where women tend to orgasm more frequently when having sex with attractive guys. Nature wants women to fuck the most attractive guys and it triggers the right kind of responses in women when it comes to sexual pleasure. I am pretty certain that this is a key factor in differences we might observe in the response of women to men is concerned regarding the degree of pleasure during sex.

    I have also noticed a greater tendency of women to objectify men, especially as they enter their thirties, and I don’t mean in a random street sense, but more in the context of an interaction leading to perhaps physical intimacy. Nice ass, pecs, abs, biceps, etc.

    But I do agree that women generally don’t walk around thinking about humping any random dude, which is opposite of guys who seems to be primed to fuck any random booty. But I will claim that women tend to be selectively hornier when it comes to sex, it is just a matter of ending up with the attractive guy. Because the proportion of attractive guys is relatively less in any society, our collective experience would not reflect this selective horniness of women toward these guys. At least, this is my sense of the world.

    Just my personal anecdotal understanding.

  • Romantico

    Rollo, what do you think of the gigantic vibrator market? I had never paid attention to this whole female vibrator market, but I was shocked to find out how many millions of vibrators are sold and how often women masturbate. I think there are a lot of women out there who are not getting satisfying sex.

  • Romantico

    Rollo, amazing series of posts, it is just a matter of time before your blog is swamped with readers. I have to say that you are on of the best writers on male female sexual dynamics.

    Why don’t you start a sexual dynamics consulting gig? I will be the first one to pay you to help chart my way through these shark infested waters. The hardest part of all this is to tailor it to my own personality, values, style, strengths, and goals, and this is where you could come in. All this could be done by chat or phone.

    Keep up the good work.

  • Höllenhund

    I just want to say this is an excellent blog. Keep up the good work!

  • RL

    The ratio in testosterone levels between the genders are huge but it does not imply a proportional difference in sex desire because male use it for many other purposes. Maybe somebody can google it because I cannot remember the source.

  • Johnycomelately

    I wonder if there is a masculine equivalent for the word ‘frigid’.

    Just found out the public toilet at my local park is the modern equivalent of a gay bath house, definitely didn’t see any women there.

  • Joe Blow

    I agree, men are the hornier sex. No doubt. Hands down.

    But how do we explain the kind of talk coming from women regarding the following article?

    (“For College Women, Dating Could be Worse Than Hooking Up”)

    http://jezebel.com/5846500/for-college-women-dating-could-be-worse-than-hooking-up

    I refer not so much the article in an of itself, but moreso the observations and commentary from women in the “Comments” section.

    These women discussing amongst themselves seem to infer that it is they who are down for the casual, and actually have a hard time finding men who are prepared for such brutal no-relationship-just-sex honesty from women.

    Is there really a huge, unmet demand in the sexual marketplace for men who are really, truly up for casual sex with no pretense? Men who understand that women are actually capable of this and don’t need the BS let-her-down-easy talk?

    Or are these women just outliers, truly sluttly women (and not in a good way), unattractactive women who have seduced beer-goggle wearing men into a one-nigh hookup, after which the men wise up and run for the hills?

    Are these women commenting just Jezebel readers who are way out of line with maintream American females in their sexual behavior, or is this truly the mainstream girl lockerroom/sorority slumber party talk going on out there?

  • nugganu

    If women were as horny as men, we wouldn’t need prostitutes.

  • dickbutt

    the actual truth notwithstanding, this myth makes great fodder for game material. it is the basis for sexual framing, which is the bestest game technique there is (e.g. the strawberry fields routine).

  • Alonso Quijano

    In terms of analysing relative hormonal levels you are of course right, but there are arguments to the contrary as well. Philosophers from Schopenhauer to Weininger have told us that women are only sexual while men are also sexual…

    Weininger on this: “It can be shown, moreover, that woman is sexually much more excitable (not more sensitive) physiologically than man.
    The condition of sexual excitement is the supreme moment of a woman’s life. The woman is devoted wholly to sexual matters, that is to say, to the spheres of begetting and of reproduction. Her relations to her husband and children complete her life, whereas the male is something more than sexual. In this respect, rather than in the relative strength of the sexual impulses, there is a real difference between the sexes. It is important to distinguish between the intensity with which sexual matters are pursued and the proportion of the total activities of life that are devoted to them and to their accessory cares. The greater absorption of the human female by the sphere of sexual activities is the most significant difference between the sexes.

  • Scandapants

    Totally agree. Listen to this episode of This American Life called “Testosterone”. Listen specifically to Act 2, where a woman undergoing sex change takes testosterone and reports how she feels.

    http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/220/testosterone

  • Roger K PUA (@PickUpSchool)

    It’s awesome to read such a different opinion. I would say I’m from the school of “women are horny bitches”, but you got me thinking.

    The thing is, they’re nuts in bed. It blows me away. Even girls who are anorgasmic moan, groan, squeal and want to fuck for hours. But let me entertain your arguments for now.

    I read your links on testosterone but that doesn’t quite add up for me. Testosterone may be linked to libido, but the article also notes that women are more sensitive to testosterone. My horniest ever girlfriend masturbated every day, sometimes twice or three times and she was a tiny cute little thing with barely any pubic hair. I can’t imagine her libido was due to testosterone.

    Masturbation does seem like a good indicator for sexuality though, and generally I would say most women masturbate a lot less than men. This is probably your strongest argument as there really aren’t many barriers to masturbation. I don’t think men “need” to masturbate every day either – we do it because we get horny.

    Women also basically do not pay prostitutes for sex. Then again, neither do I and I have a pretty high libido.

    Yes, women are more selective than men and do not usually initiate sex with strangers but this doesn’t mean they are less sexual than men. Our behaviour is different and our roles are different because our gametes are different.

    Thanks for making me think.

  • YOHAMI

    Id just say that the male sexuality is active and the female sexuality is reactive. The female gets aroused in presence of the right conditions and stimuli, while the male is just ON by default.

    But put the right male in front of the female and she will be aroused all day long.

  • Rollo Tomassi

    The main gist of this post was in debunking the canard that “women are just as sexual, if not more so, than men”, and exploring the reasons for it being a social convention. I’m not arguing that they aren’t sexual at all, nor am I proposing that they aren’t wildly sexual under the right circumstances, just that the popularized comparison is ludicrous.

  • Roger K PUA (@PickUpSchool)

    Understood.

    However it depends how you hear “Women are just as sexual as men”.

    As “Women want to fuck lots of different men”: disagree

    As “Women want to fuck as often as men”: mostly disagree

    As “Women enjoy sex as much as men”: strongly agree

    I usually take on the last interpretation. You’re right though, the pickup community has a self-serving habit of exaggerating her sex drive.

    Women like sex.

    No big deal.

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  • Mox

    This is a late comment, but I figured I would give my two cents anyway.

    I thoroughly enjoyed this post, but the problem is in order to make these claims you need to thoroughly back them up with real science, not anectodal and circumstancial evidence. Besides that “Billion Wicked Thoughts” book and wikipedia, I didnt see a single citation to back up the claims you make, such as the following:

    “testosterone isn’t the only factor to consider. To which I’ll agree, however it is the PRIMARY factor in sexual response. ”

    Evidence please? Where is your citation? Do you seriously think that the hormone responsible for male sexual traits is the only primary driving factor behind overall human sexuality? It would make sense that female sexuality is driven by other variables you are not considerating.

    It should be noted that the statement you cite from wikipedia (a source you must always verify) comes from a study looking at post menopausal women, which means you cannot say anything about the effect of estrogen on women who are still in the reproductive state.

    So, big claims, small facts.

  • Rivelino

    loved this episode. i reference it constantly. glad to see someone else getting it too.

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  • xclampa

    it sounds so… simple – testosterone levels. is there all there really is to the sexual drive?

    Women tend to focus too much on the relationship aspect of sex – the romantic sex. That’s what’s embedded in them by virtue of their looking for a partner to raise children. There are many other aspects, some of which are also difficult for men.
    We forget The social aspect. Other than 25-35 year olds, so clearly represented on this blog, there are many ways in which being sexual is banned after you’re 30-something. People just put you on the shelf, and want you to stay there. So that you won’t seduce the already married and otherwise-occupied. Being divorced is a social stigma, you don’t get party-invitations from other women (I’m European, it’s like this here.)
    With the 25-35 year olds there’s enough pressure to be high SMV that this alone could stifle the drive…
    What messes with our heads is The cultural aspect. In most cultures you’re not allowed to embrace your sexuality. The polite girl is still on the pedestal. Even now, with Carrie Bradshaw on the loose and all the erotic advertising, there’s very little towards actually helping people learn the art of seduction, acknowledging Beta-individuals, letting go of precepts. Not to mention guarding yourself from all the possible failures, dangers etc. The previous generations don’t have it in them to pass on the basics, most of which are still relevant to the Game.
    Then there’s the spiritual… which reminds everyone about sects. Sex can be spiritual, deeply rooted, and precious few incorporate it into their spiritual lives and explore the potential. Paragons of spirituality, be it christian or islamic or any other focus more on politics than teaching about that aspect of spirituality.
    Finally there’s the simple physical aspect. A lot of women don’t take the time to familiarize with what their body considers a pleasant sexual experience, and their sexual needs in general. Once in a relationship they’re too busy, once out of it too miserable.

    So ideally… having found oneself in a relationship break through the initial process of embracing sexual nature and taking one’s pleasure which takes fighting trust and self-esteem issues, then ignore the peers who are afraid of your new-found nature or pressure you constantly (the constant questioning from parents, anyone?), think through through a stock-pile of cultural barriers reading a blog like this one (at this point you might break-up, and start anew…), educate yourself on the spiritual of sexual nature and embrace it and then simply stop and listen for once to your body’s needs…

    It takes a presence of mind, a lot of courage and work.

    And I’m pretty sure what you’ll get is a woman with a beautiful sexual nature, I believe ranking equal with a man’s.

  • casaanova

    I’d say that both are equally as horny, it’s just that the average woman can find sex anytime she wants it. They’ve got the sexual needs department covered, so they don’t have to appear horny. This is why a decrease of sex in a relationship is usually the first sign of infidelity on the woman’s part

  • hollas

    I’d say it mostly has to do with the protection of their feminine ego, so that men don’t see them as sluts.
    It’s very uncommon for a lady to walk up to a guy to say how see feels about him, rather men a meant to do the talking.
    I would attribute this to why ladies use sex toys in secrecy, instead of making her sexual urge and desires known to men.
    It’s not as if ladies don’t feel it, but they pretend not to feel it to avoid being seen as sluts.

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  • Peter South

    @casaanova
    “I’d say that both are equally as horny, it’s just that the average woman can find sex anytime she wants it.”

    Circular reasoning.

    It’s because men can’t say no.

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  • AlrightyThen

    Pretty much everything about this article is incorrect unfortunately. Men may have more testosterone, but they are ironically also much less responsive to testosterone. Women are extremely sensitive to it, therefore they simply don’t need as much. If women had the same amounts as men while maintaining the sensitivity to it that they have now, I reckon they’d literally need to be hospitalized. It’d have to be crippling.

    Everything else in regards to the way women ‘report’ feelng desire is also pretty easily explained by social pressures for women to NOT express themselves sexually. When few women do they are quickly labeled as sluts. Some will respond so what, if she was really that horny she wouldn’t care” but the fact of the matter is, when a female is seen as slutty it has huge ramifications on every other aspect of her life. Like literally she could be socially ostracized, fired from work, and legitimately treated as if she is worthless, particularly by the opposite sex.

    You’d lie about how much sex you want and how often you think about it if you faced those type of consequences too.

  • TekBoi (@TekBoi)

    This is obviously a relevant issue as it is still receiving comments two years after it’s initial posting.

    No one needs to say this, but backing it up with facts makes one take a look at things a little bit more rationally. Thank you.

  • arnold

    women are just typically disatisfied & never fully appeased. only a woman knows what a woman wants/needs. im glad im a gay man. you women are picky & far too demanding. if only more men were gay.

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  • scrai

    The anecdotal experience from all my previous relationships is that it was always the woman who wanted more sex, was the one initiating it more often and was triggered by very simple stimuli like me cuddling up to her or doing some twerking joke where I rub my butt on her for a brief moment. I do not consider myself asexual at all and the difference in appetite was only by a small margin (i.e. I am totally satisfied after 3 or 4 rounds a day, she could go another one or two), but they especially seem to “regenerate” faster. After a sex marathon Sunday I don’t want to do it until at least Tuesday, maybe Wednesday, whereas she is as horny on Monday as she was the day before.

    I also had female friends that went out for the sole purpose of securing an attractive fuck for tonight.

    So no, with a man they are genuinely attracted to, they are as sexual as man.

  • M3

    It’s the reason why the back of my local newspaper has ads for gentleman’s clubs, rub n tugs, escorts, etc… at least half a dozen back pages devoted to it.

    All for male consumption because of male demand.

    There is nothing even remotely close on that scale for female demand in sexual release with another flesh and blood body.

    The closest women get are vibrator sales coupled with the run on 50 Shades of Grey and Magic Mike rentals. Even then… it still doesn’t scratch the surface of how often men do the deed solo.

    Coincidentally, i think it’s why guys are doing so shit in school nowadays. Too hard to concentrate because of the overwhelming urge to purge surrounded by soft supple fertile women. Their bodies are literally filling up the testes to the brim every day thinking they’re going to perform their evolutionary role by being surrounded by young fertile wombs primed and ready. Just because it’s most likely not going to happen doesn’t mean the body comprehends it.

    So when you get girls who just wanna be whores:

    https://ca.shine.yahoo.com/students-rebel-against-dress-code-by-wearing-crop-tops-and-cutoffs-193052627.html

    ..are you then surprised that guys academic abilities decline?

    Women of any age are not as/more sexual than teenage boys, much less any man with options surrounded by fine women in varying states of estrus. And they certainly aren’t more sexual than male virgins or incels who have nothing but a vast amount of time to ponder just how wonderful sex MIGHT feel like… in their created fantasy projections – where every hot woman their eyes catch instantly brings about a fantasy.

    Yea, no. Women don’t even scratch the surface of men’s sexuality.

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