Letters from the Pedestal


The following is an instant message transcript detailing the soon-to-be break up of an 8 month live-in relationship. Our heroine in this classic tale of dutiful Beta vs. memorable Alpha had recently moved in with the Beta subject after a tumultuous two year Alpha relationship with “Chris” (names changed). From almost the moment she agreed to living with our Beta she began pining for her former Alpha lover. Chris was a musician who’d moved to a large metropolitan area to “make it big”. He was the perfect brooding, inflective, creative archetype, but suffered from the usual maladies, alcohol, drug abuse, overly self important – basically the perfect recipe for the artistic Alpha. Needless to say this was what led to the first breakup.

For the want of a more stable relationship, and a place to stay, she takes up with our Beta. They’d been ‘friends’ for so long, and he’d been so supportive in her time with Chris it seemed the natural fit for her. No more chaos, just the down-to-earth comfort of a relationship with a “familiar friend.” Needless to say thing don’t go as planned, and the secret phone calls to and trips to vist the former Alpha lover commence.

Before you read this analysis, I want to express that my focus in this is the Beta guy and to detail some of the more common misconceptions men have whilst plugged-in to the Matrix. Yes, our heroine’s behaviors are cruel, but only serve to illustrate the machinations of the Beta mind in this study. Is she blameless? Absolutely not. Is she following her hypergamic imperative? Absolutely so.

From the top, Beta’s commentary is in blue:

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, you have proved that with getting back with chris.
I never stopped loving you less or caring for you less when we were together. You say, I gave up, stopped trying, after I won you.

This statement here is a textbook illustration of what I call a “scarcity mentality.” As if the initial cliché weren’t bad enough, he refers to getting together with her as “winning you.” This puts her attention/desire into a reward status – classic AFC preconditioning. SHE is the PRIZE to be won rather than making himself the PRIZE who is to be sought after. This mentality is an instant confirmation of a lack of confidence. It’s she who should be appreciative of his own self-worth and identity, and desire to be associated with it, but from the outset he puts her on the pedestal and confirms for her that he is of lesser value. Off to a very bad start. Also, his hammy referencing of an old cliché is only one more glaring illustration of his lack of depth in experience; this just screams “I’m a beta.”

Thats not true in the least. I never stopped trying, it was the first time I had ever been in a relationship with you and the first time we had lived together, and over the first 4 months we were together we had only been in each other’s company like 12 days. I was trying to get comfortable with us. It was still kinda weird at first since I hadn’t talked to you in so long and we were together. So awesome and so sudden but that made it interesting. I never stopped doing for you, I never stopped being spontaneous with us.

Here, and in the previous comment, he interprets her telling him that “he gave up” as an accusation that he gave up on the relationship – not the real message, which is, he gave up on himself and his own identity to better identify with and accomodate her in order to secure and maintain her intimacy. As I’ve discussed before, he’ll “do anything” to make her happy and this is precisely why she has no respect for the guy. I think this is where the main point of conflict is rooted. He has a fundamental misunderstanding of what she meant by saying “he’d given up.” He thinks he didn’t identify enough or didn’t figure out the secret combination of sappy romantic gestures that would make her desire him because it’s been so mentally ingrained into him that a woman should always be considered a prize to be ‘won’. This is the root of his own frustration because her words and behaviors contradict his ego-invested expectations of himself and how relationships ought to be. So consequently he falls back on victimhood as a defense – according to his mental schema he’s done everything by the book and it’s she who’s been disingenuous.

“Yep, I won her heart finally, its time to sit back and relax.”

Again with the ‘Sleepless in Seattle’ romantic comedy banter; but also, again, he restates his position of supplication by making her ‘heart’ a PRIZE to be won.

Never would I think that. Nothing was set in stone, you could leave me at any point and for any reason. I knew you were still an independent person.

I was just trying to get on a comfortable grounds with us. God, we only lived together 5 months, in that 5 months, from June to Oct, is when you formed your opinion, cause it was all over in November when you decided you loved Chris more than me.

More melodrama, but rather than find fault in his own actions for even considering the fallout from living with a woman he’s involved with (much less, one in need of a home and fresh out of an intense relationship) he’d rather apply for victimhood again and make a plea for circumstance. In all likelihood her opinion of both he and Chris were already set, but he finds fault with her because it more easily fits his romanticized (and feminized) ideals. I swear, the guy should get into daytime dramas when he gets out of college, he’d be brilliant at it. But I can’t let her off the hook entirely here – she knew your own set of conditions and this guy WAS a convenient out for her. It’s just now she’s paying for that misjudgment.

Before you decided that everything you had done was a mistake and that you regretted coming here, and dating me.

You even said that. You did say that to me, so whats that say about you and our whole relationship. You think I quit trying and just wished you’d never have come here and/or dated me.

See my other comments, I think I addressed this fairly well. He misunderstands that ‘trying’ has nothing to do with the relationship, but rather establishing himself as his own person. He then finds it easier to accommodate his own idealized fantasy relationships against her indiscretions. She’s the flawed one now (and rightfully), whereas before she was his ideal, because it conflicts with his romantic mental narrative.

So which one is more fucked up, I think yours was much worse. Regretting me, having feelings in your heart for Chris that started pushing me out 5 months after getting here and for good 7 months later. So yeah, when you think and say to yourself  I wasnt a good boyfriend, cause his faults were just too great. He cared too much, would do too much for me and quit trying after I gave him a couple of months before I totally pushed him out of my heart and decided that Chris wass my main objective.

Our hapless Beta is in the right, but for the wrong reasons.

Restating the obvious here, but it does show that he enjoys the time he spends concocting ways to confront her on the righteousness of his efforts in order to change her mind. He falls into the same binary thinking trap that most AFCs do – “If I can just plead my case well enough and logically enough while applying a good amount of indignation, guilt and conviction she’ll see I’m the perfect boyfriend and desire me again.” This logic is great when you’re an attorney or arguing on a debate team, but he hasn’t come to the realization yet that desire and attraction cannot be negotiated. He only consolidates her estimate of his Beta status by lamely employing shame in an effort to engender the guilt he thinks will make her come to her sense and love him.

This is a very important lesson that beta chumps MUST transition past; shame will NEVER make a woman hot for you. You can be 100% justified in your judging of a woman’s behaviors and character, but in jarring her into self-awareness you will only generate her resentment of you – and especially when you’re unquestionably correct in your estimations.

You were much worse in the relationship than I was. Your total basis is pretty much irrelevant. Cause givin just a bit of time and you voicing any concerns it would have been different. Relationships are about change for both parties involved. You never came to me with the problems you had. You didnt care enough about me to do that, like you were looking for an excuse.

It’s important to remember here that this was the first “real relationship” this guy had ever engaged in. Would he know that “Relationships are about change” due to his many past, successful relationships? No, but his life long Matrix conditioning has taught him that this is ‘what’s expected of people in a relationship’. Here, he is qualifying her against his own preconceptions and trying to make himself the martyr rather than realizing that he’s just as culpable as her for even allowing the ‘relationship’ (such as it was) to happen. When women’s real-world behaviors conflict with beta men’s fem-centric life conditioning, worlds collide.

You came to Chris, you told him what needed to be changed, gave him an ultimatum basicly. You gave him lots of chances over the 2 years. For the last 8 months when you were getting any dick from him you told him.

You loved him enough to do that, you wanted him in your life enough to do that.

2nd, 3rd and 4th (and more) chances are for Alphas. Betas must be bulletproof from the start until they attain, perceptively, Alpha status in a woman’s estimation. Alpha can fail far more shit tests than any Beta would ever be given leniency for.

Our Beta can’t see past his own drama to ask why she allowed Chris more leeway and how this applies to himself. Even when she left, Chris was still his own person, he was the PRIZE, not her. In standard Beta fashion, he will interpret Chris as indifferent or uncaring towards her and try to play this as a card in his favor, but the subtext of it is she had respect and tingles for the Chris well after she broke it off (5 Minutes of Alpha) and his sense of identity is what planted the seed of doubt in her head. Betas will never come to accept this until they re-evaluate their own preconditioning. In the meantime he’ll conveniently use her returning to Chris to reinforce his own estimation of her, use Chris’ indifference as leverage in pleading his case (shame) for being a logically better boyfriend choice, and affirm his own Beta-Game beliefs. It might be interesting to compare how she feels about leaving the Beta to how she felt when she left Chris.

You didnt do that for me, not at all. You made your decision within 6 months of being down here together. Chris was in your heart the entire time. I never had you.

I was in love with you and you only thought you were in love with me. So dont ever think that you had it bad and that I was the one at fault. My faults were nothing, and you know that in your heart, they were nothing that couldnt have been easily changed with a little time. They werent deal breakers.

Im not saying I feel this way, im saying this is what I think and i believe it is absolutely true. at least most of it.

Here, he’s looking for absolution of his efforts at this point and using the only psychological skillset he’s ever developed – an adolescent one. He’s feeding his emotionality by concocting rhetorical scenarios about her that he’d like to be true in order to reaffirm his self-righteous, AFC idealisms, when in fact this whole experience is essentially a challenge to his ego-investment in moon-eyed romanticism. When something attacks this investment it also attacks his personality because he’s internalized it so fully. So in order to protect it (and because it’s easier than self-analysis) he transfers the blame to her for not playing the role of his fantasy girlfriend. She becomes the flawed one for not affirming his idealism. ‘Quality Woman’ becomes ‘Damaged Goods’.


It was not long after this that our heroine left our subject and temporarily got back with her former Alpha lover. It didn’t last long. For all his brooding and pensive Alpha-ness he was still the same loser she left. Not long after she eventually married another Alpha with the same self-confidence, but much better long term prospects. Her now-husband was, and still is, the prize for her, and that’s what she wanted, a prize.

Published by Rollo Tomassi

Author of The Rational Male and The Rational Male, Preventive Medicine

27 comments on “Letters from the Pedestal

  1. Society says that men are usually the trophy seekers, but that’s not true at all.

    The difference is that men put their trophies in the garage to gather dust, all their excitement focused on the new trophy to get.

    Women want their trophies glimmering so that their friends covet them, display them on the mantle or even in the living room picture window.

    Don’t let yourself get dusty and your woman will always want you.

  2. The most common “Shit test” I get from women:

    Her: “Oh you’re so confident aren’t you?” or some variation.

    Me: Yes (or some variation of ‘absolutely’)

    This is relatively newish phenomenon for me.

    Until I really began to understand game, I was always writing shit like that.

    Now I keep my correspondence more tight and focused. I now have several decent women calling or setting things up. One 26 year old is even pining away because for every “I miss you” she texts I reply—if I reply with nonsequitors like “Batman returns to his cave”…

    Makes no sense to you guys but she’ll find a context for it…like “oh so you’re the Dark Knight?” etc etc.

    intersting how chicks when they don’t understand something will just play along and make it up.

    If they say “I don’t understand” reply with “myeh” or “boring”…

    Then they’ll start thinking of a more interesting reply.

    “I don’t understand” is by the way a shit-test to reframe the control around her.

  3. “This logic is great when you’re an attorney or arguing on a debate team, but he hasn’t come to the realization yet that desire and attraction cannot be negotiated.”

    Sums it up. Besides the cringe-inducing beta attitude, he also bombards her with what’s known as logic, projecting his male affinity for it onto her thinking that women process information the same way. To him, what he’s saying is reasonable and makes perfect logical sense, while you can almost picture her eyes rolling from all the one-itis drivel. She does breath in all the worship and supplicating for a nice ego boost, but there’s not a vaj tingle in sight for him.

  4. I’d be willing to bet they had this conversation at least once:

    Chick: You just don’t get it, do you?
    Beta: Get what?
    Chick: *sound of frustration*

    We, of course, know what “it” is. But he doesn’t, and she couldn’t explain it even if she wanted to.

    Which results in what we have here, sooner or later.

  5. I’ve done that AFC stuff before…can’t use logic. Desire and attraction flamed out to beta behavior and her hypergamy imperative.

  6. This guy should have started reading RationalMale before saying all that he did to blow this relationship. He says way too much (especially of his feelings for her) and this makes him sound needy/clingy/trying to get her to like him. Instead of saying it, he should have shown it by doing fun/exciting things to get her feeling more emotions (moving each others physiology around doing exciting things is not boring and can increase her interest), and thus instead of merely saying his feelings in turn gives her/makes her feel those feelings. All the amount where he says his perspective, he could have simply said “Let’s go out at X time to do something fun,” then on the outing and later gradually escalate sensually/sexually, and thus her mind (emotions)/body (neuro-chemical reactions) would feel the attraction/connection. He sounded internally weak/un-sure/more feminine trying to get her approval/affection. The inner secure of himself/stronger masculine man gave her/made her feel the emotions of sexual desire just by her being with him.
    Many “game blogs” and tv shows are currently on the shame/weak type of jerk who only puts women down bandwagon on the road to Stupid-ville. This can increase ones power over another, but usually does not increase her genuine sensual desire for him. There’s many guys (who try to put on the weak act of a desperate-jerk), but most of them are not with good looking women and only sound stupid. Every time I hear a guy try to be the version of a jerk who tries to shame/put down others constantly I think he sounds similar to the nice guy in that they are both insecure and weak. I personally don’t have to say she’s an idiot/beat her/rape her/beg, as if she happened to not want to be with me she’s free to leave, and if she stays then we both have a healthy/happy/fun/her feminine with my masculine/sensually seductive vibe and mutual sexual connection. Dale mami; I know you want it. I’m not a jerk or a nice guy. My power/strength with women is in simply being a seductive masculine man. For myself, I have very high value so I don’t even need to try to put women down to make myself look better.
    Also, I’m fine with Hypergamy. I actually now like being around it. I heard some older women say negative beliefs about sex/business/money, and I totally disagreed because I work in business and I have positive beliefs about business and I have financial goals. So, similar to associating with people with the same goals; I have grown to enjoy being around the women with much hypergamy. I’m not materialistic and I don’t buy women expensive things either, it’s more just being around other people (including women) with the same beliefs about business/money/sexuality/fun/enjoying drinks/life experiences.

  7. “Not long after she eventually married another Alpha with the same self-confidence, but much better long term prospects. Her now-husband was, and still is, the prize for her, and that’s what she wanted, a prize.”

    Does he happen to work in the liquor industry by any chance?

    This beta grovelling is so cringe-worthy. Who the hell started that shit and who were the original idiots who thought it cool?

  8. There’s a lot to digest and analyze in these quotes. This quote struck me deeply;

    “My faults were nothing, and you know that in your heart, they were nothing that couldn’t have been easily changed with a little time. They weren’t deal breakers.”

    Look, we all know that no one is remotely perfect, but some of the worst things you can do in any relationship is set yourself up to be changed and let your girlfriend ‘change you’. It’s an appeasement and surrender of the highest order of one’s self merely makes you the woman’s fashion accessory or toy dog she carries around in her purse. It’s one part ‘shit test’, one part on going battle of wills to see who will control the terms of the relationship. Once you surrender this point, you’ve lost control of the relationship. I’ll admit to making that mistake all too often when I was younger. The guy who wrote the above didn’t understand that nothing he could have done and changed about himself would have satisfied the girl. To the contrary, she would have forever used it against him. One of the highest compliments you’ll ever receive is when you hear your girlfriend utter in exasperation something to the effect of, “I’m so frustrated, I can’t change you…”

  9. This is a perfect breakdown. Guys, especially ones in relationships, should read this.

    I’d say the two most important points are 1) the one about giving up on himself not the relationship. Most guys were alpha(esque lol) when they met their girl. Then she tames him and he settles down. Then she doesn’t want him anymore and they’re like “wtf????”. Have your own path, she accompanies you on it, she doesn’t divert it. She may complain but she’ll respect you and be attracted to you for it.

    Or this sums it up nicely lol:

    And 2) ” He falls into the same binary thinking trap that most AFCs do – “If I can just plead my case well enough and logically enough while applying a good amount of indignation, guilt and conviction she’ll see I’m the perfect boyfriend and desire me again.” This logic is great when you’re an attorney or arguing on a debate team, but he hasn’t come to the realization yet that desire and attraction cannot be negotiated”

    Another extremely important point, not just in relationships but in pickup in general. In the PUA community we describe this as “change her mood, not her mind”.

    This doesn’t make her attracted:
    “let’s go get food”
    “I dunno…”
    “come on, it’s late and the pizza place is nearby and I’ll buy your pizza and what if I promise nothing will happen okay? I just like you and want to hang out some more? Please?”
    “I guess so…”

    This does:
    “let’s go get food”
    “I dunno…”
    “tease, joke, joke, tease, innuendo, tease”
    “giggle giggle omg!!!”
    “let’s go get food”
    “okayyyyy!!!!! 🙂 :)”

    The concept has widespread applications. It also leads into important deeper concepts about qualifying yourself and qualifying others and setting the right prize frame and actually leads into a REALLY advanced really deep concept about buying temperature and how shit-tests are designed to help the girl purposely throw herself out of state which circles back to explaining why attraction is amped when you pass her tests. It’s all super fascinating oldschool PUA knowledge that mostly just the oldschool guys know (today’s pickup is taught with more of a “don’t overthink it” attitude because of the “instant results” shift in mentality today’s newbies have toward learning pickup with compared to the “I’m prepared to dedicate years of my life to mastering this” old days).

    But I digress, all a newbie needs to remind himself to get by is “change her mood, not her mind”.

    Great breakdown! Love this kind of thing, hope it wakes a few guys up who don’t realize they’re the guy in the letter.

  10. Interesting. A girl I had been gaming and kind of forgot about had an interesting reaction.

    I wrote her among many others in my social circle to get rid of some theatre tickets our organization had purchased and was selling off.

    I wrote to see if she wanted one. It was pro-forma.

    She immediately responded and was all about gaming…

    NeL Come out

    Her: When

    Me; Tuesday

    Her: Ok, save me a ticket (shit test)

    Me: Will pass to you next time

    Her: How much?

    Me: $20 but for you $28….

    Her: Ok, I don’t go

    Me: Now it’s $30, just went up…

    I gave her a ticket next to me…

    Point is, I completely forgot I had been gaming her and then suddenly like a cat rubbing against your leg looking to be petted she was there…angling to be gamed…

    I passed the shit tests by ignoring them…

  11. I understand your critique of Beta’s behavior and what he did that he shouldn’t have done. But my question is, what SHOULD he have done, once he realized he was losing her? I’m still weaning out of Beta behavior, and, of course, I act Beta sometimes and am trying to figure out how I can recover when I do.

    1. Care of Roissy’s Sixteen Commandments of Poon

      XVI. Never be afraid to lose her

      You must not fear. Fear is the love-killer. Fear is the ego-triumph that brings abject loneliness. You will face your fear. You will permit it to pass over and through you. And when your ego-fear is gone you will turn and face your lover, and only your heart will remain. You will walk away from her when she has violated your integrity, and you will let her walk when her heart is closed to you. She who can destroy you, controls you. Don’t give her that power over yourself. Love yourself before you love her.

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