Your Attention Please.

On many a Game forum you’ll find at least one thread per week decrying the evils of the much maligned Attention Whore. In the time I’ve spent exploring Game mechanics I’ve yet to read a treatise that really analyzed the fundamentals of why men and women alike make distinctions between one woman as an Attention Whore and another simply a garden variety woman who seeks attention.

Your mother, your sister, the girl at the bar and the wife you’ve been married to for 20 years are all attention seeking. Some to a greater and some to a lesser degree, but it is an integral part of the feminine gender to seek various means to grab and hold attention. 

Yes I understand that all people, men and women, enjoy attention for various reasons, but as a gender women seek and use attention very differently from men. From a very early age attention is a primary reinforcer for girls. As I’ve mentioned on occasion, part of my psychology education included child psych and my favorite (and most convenient) subject has always been my ever-present 7 y.o. (at the time) daughter when doing case studies. To understand the feminine attention dynamic you have to go back into female childhood socialization. There are countless case studies that focus on attention-as-reinforcer being a psychological construct for women. I should also add that, from a scientific perspective, there really is no absolute nature, or absolute nurture attributed to personality or gender differences, so a definite amount of socialization and learned behavior intrinsically reinforces attention as rewarding, but the root reward of attention seeking behavior begins in female biology.

A few things to start with
In the same respect that men possess testosterone as their primary, gender-defining hormone, women’s bodies produce estrogen and oxytocin in larger volume. Studies have shown both these hormones foster feelings of nurturing as a primary feminine trait for parental caring and oxytocin is a precursor for feelings of trust and comfort. Studies have also shown that girl babies are picked up and given affection 4 times as often as are boy infants and toddlers. This bears evidence to the biological and socialization associations of female attention reinforcement. In addition, studies of pre-adolescent and adolescent degrees of attention to both genders by parents always favors the female child. Correlation of this would indicate the rewarding benefit of attetion to the female as well as a behavioral modeling influence directed towards masculine independence by socializing boys to not be dependent upon the reinforcing aspect of attention.

Female Socialization
Little girls fight in an entirely different realm than do boys. Where boys fight in a the physical realm, girls fight in the psychological. That’s not to exclude girls from actually coming to blows, but far more common is the occurrence of psychological combat, and in no realm is this more effective than the denial of reinforcing attention within a female social collective.

Little girls have a predictable tendency to form small, girl-only collectives or ‘peer clutches’ from the time they are introduced into kindergarten. This social collective progressively becomes a rewarding and reinforcing social unit, locking out those not included, and nurturing those who are. This dynamic can last through high school (i.e. Cliques, etc.), into college and into mature adulthood, but the commonality within all variations of this clutch is the qualifying influence of the affirming power of attention. Should one member of the clutch offend another, it is the hierarchy of an individual member’s ability to maintain the most attention that generally determines the victor in the dispute. The worst consequence of such a dispute being ostracization from the group – thus the absolute denial of this reaffirming attention-as-reinforcement. The clutch develops a hierarchy of influence depending upon each girl’s ability to attract and maintain reinforcing attention. This attention can be from any source; within the group, outside the group, and opposite sex attention becomes the most valuable after puberty.

Attention attraction capacity denotes social rank within the peer clutch. The more attractive the girl, the more popular she becomes and the more influence she wields. This isn’t to say that any particular female cognizantly realizes this. However, when ostracized from the collective, this capacity for attracting attention in a high degree makes her despised. The attention can still be beneficial for affirmation (i.e. realized jealousy), it’s just that the intent that has changed.

Thus, women use attention not only for their own affirmation, individually and collectively, but also to do combat with each other. Far more damaging than physical fighting is the long term psychological impact of denying this reinforcement, or better still, delegitimizing or disqualifying a girl/woman’s capacity to attract this attention. Combine this with a woman’s natural, and innately higher agency to communicate both verbally and non-verbally (i.e covert communications) and you can see the potential this has in damaging a rival. This might explain a woman’s natural propensity to gossip. When a woman attacks the respectability and character of another (“she’s such a slut”), in essence, she is assualting the woman’s agency for garnering attention by delegitimizing it.

The ticking clock
Now lets add to this complex attention need to the female understanding that, as a woman ages her sexual marketability decreases. Bear in mind that a woman’s primary agency for attracting attention is her her sexuality and physical beauty as rewarded by men. This then fosters a drive for this attention-combat to intensify as a woman ages toward her ‘expiration date’. In the last 30 years there has been a definite push through feminization to de-emphasize this natural push and/or to divert this affirmation to be pulled from other sources (i.e. career, independence, internal rewards, etc.). However it has yet to be fully (if ever) realized within western female-centric culture. All one needs do is look at the countless number of beauty products and the methods used to advertise them in popular media. 90% of advertising specific to ‘career minded’ women is still for beauty products. Irrespective of popular socialization, this attention dynamic will not be ignored.

The Attention Whore
So what exactly separates this attention-as-currency dynamic that women use in their social pecking order from the blatant Attention Whore with dozens of male orbiters and FaceBook “friends” numbering in the thousands? The answer to this is found in the methods and lengths to which an individual woman will go to maintain a degree of attention she’s comfortable with. It’s very easy to speculate about the psychological reasons why some women ‘need’ more attention than others – daddy issues, female clutch outcast issues, self-esteem issues, personality disorders, etc. – what’s not is the means by which they achieve this attention and the gender specific reactions others have to it.

What separates the behavior of the attention whore is her overtness in grabbing that attention. Consider that women’s preferred means of communicating is to be covert. There’s no subtlety in the attention whore’s methods and maintenance. Granted, women will see this as an attack in the AW stealing her ‘entitled’ portion of attention, but on a larger scale the AW is betraying the covert attention needs of the sisterhood. By seeking attention in the overt, the AW is essentially crossing over into Men’s preferred communication means to get attention. There’s no (or certainly less) art to attention whoring, so it comes off as classless and trashy.

Published by Rollo Tomassi

Author of The Rational Male and The Rational Male, Preventive Medicine

35 comments on “Your Attention Please.

  1. “Studies have also shown that girl babies are picked up and given affection 4 times as often as are boy infants and toddlers.”

    Haven’t there also been studies which show that girl babies look at people more than boys?

  2. Well-done, as always, Rollo. A bit of an addendum on ‘peer clutches’ and how they function, including males.

    In adolescent/pre-pubescent children, both boys and girls function physiologically like females. Testosterone doesn’t exert a profound influence until after puberty. In observing pre-pubescent children, the females often mature earlier, especially sociologically, and thus the females often dominate the same-age peer groups in forming and controlling such peer clutches.

    Ever the same, females will exclude males for not reciprocating attention, for not conforming to social groups, or for falling outside of social norms. This forms the basis for later social groups which then may become more male-influenced when testosterone finally starts thrusting itself (ahem) onto the scene.

    Your differentiation of AW’s based on co-opting of male strategies is insightful-a.k.a women becoming peacocks, and thus that trait is evolutionarily unattractive, since the female attention program is covert.

    Conversely, the corresponding male defect is ‘being a pussy,’ or refusing to overtly attract attention. Manginas, then, attempt to covertly attract attention, through white-knighting, etc.

    Good shit. Love this blog.


    Yeah, cosign, but watch out for the cockblock coming from the chubby asian or the one with the big mouth in the blue sweater.

    1. She is. By giving attention to the girl on the left, you undermine blue sweater girl’s “apparent” superiority, thus inviting her ire and a swift cockblock.

  3. I’ll do all of them. At once lol. train time..But the one on the left might be gf material for a little while…

  4. This would also explain that being in the ‘friend-zone’ with a girl is the same thing as a man having a girl as a fuck buddy. Both respective genders are getting what they want biologically while giving the other gender little-to-no amount of what they want. The societal repercussions of being used by the other gender are the same too: women get called sluts for sleeping with too many men, and men become beta orbiters (emotional tampons) for being friends with too many women, likely LJBF’ed by most other women

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  7. Your mother, your sister, the girl at the bar and the wife you’ve been married to for 20 years are all attention seeking. Some to a greater and some to a lesser degree, but it is an integral part of the feminine gender to seek various means to grab and hold attention.

    Attention equals currency

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  9. can the blogger please watch this video and share your thoughts .. what is she really trying to say ?it looks like it’s in relationship to this article

  10. this article is GOLD, imo… should be required reading for all young men and reviewed by older men.

    pulling attention AWAY from women is VERY powerful. one of my friends says that PIV sex, oral, and even anal sex are ALL equivalent in a woman’s mind because she will use all her tools to get what she desires from men = ATTENTION.

    the act of sex is her ‘gift’ to you for giving her the attention (plus ‘quality’ time) she was craving.

  11. Holly shit man,i think this article got big screen adaptation in 2016. I just watched The 9th life of louis drax and it showed The ‘need for attention’ on another level. I wont spoiler it much but you will get it since we are all wearing redpill glasses. 😉 i’ll just say all we read is in domain of theory but since redpilling i know situation in movie is very realistic. (obv.,movie is a bit exagareted for dramatisation)
    Considering how strong FI is these days,i really dont know how this movie slipped. First a was shocked by Gone Girl from 2014 and now this. Amen for men who still got balls.

  12. Good article – I sort of raged on another post of yours about acting covert as a tool for gaming girls, this post makes more sense. Should men ever be covert to game girls? I would say no, even though it works, why enter her frame? You enter he frame by being covert. She will instinctively react to you because its her primary way to talk, but from my own personal experiences it’s only a tool for early seduction in trying to establish some kind of ‘outer’ game which she will comply to. But you can’t live in her reality. Society is fucked up because everyone is at the whims of the girls covert subjective fancies which change constantly. The paradox and question I have is what the fuck man? Like should men ever be covert?

    To me that shit seems womanly as fuck. Girls like it for the same reason men like direct girls, because were speaking on their wavelength. But to me society seems fucked up just for that reason; we have millions of men trying to speak in girl terms and they don’t even know how to do it, nor should they bother. I think men get labeled as ‘creepy’ when they try be covert also and they don’t do it right or totally understand what they are actually ‘saying’ to her. Guys try to be covert to game girls and it because fucking embarrassing, I see guys try to flirt with girls by ‘acting covert’ – it comes off so fucking bad man. Real covert is like 2 or 3 layers ‘down’ from what most men perceive it to be. It super fucking subtle.

    A quick example of bad covert game is like obvious ‘wink wink nudge nudge’ sort of behavior; its so fucking beta and obvious it makes you want to fucking gag watching it, because its clear the dude is ‘trying’ to ‘flirt’ and ‘game’ her but he comes off like a chump. Real covert game is fuckin nuanced as a motherfucker. It’s insane subtle man. It works because girls don’t expect it, but to try to explain or teach guys this is what is opposite of being a man almost in some ways. Men shouldn’t be so concerned with how to subtly attract a girl on some subconscious level. It’s fucking superfluous. A guy can end up fucking a girl with no clue of the subtle erotic-ness going on, because the girl will conjure the fantasy in her head regardless either way. My point is more of a question and exclamation; why is game so obsessed with ‘covert’???

    It’s reinforcing the the feminine paradigm and making men not act like men. If men actually acted like men they wouldn’t give two shits about trying to manipulate some bitch into sleeping with them. ‘Game’ is essentially how to talk the way girls talk, thats all it is. It’s an effort to reinforce males position which is skewed because of womens hypergamy. Its a necessary evil, but at the same time its not the ultimate end all be all. You think men in the pasty gave a shit about how to subtly manipulate a girl? Fuck no man, waste of fucking time. Some philosophers throughout history have bothered, but most ultimately don’t give a shit. Men of the past didn’t need a shit ton of game to fuckin go out with a girl or sleep with her. The point is the two things are interrelated. If men gave up on game than women would have to submit to men. Sounds like it owuldn’t work, but thats what happens. When men don’t seek her fucking approval or go out there way to please her what do women do? They clamor to and fro to get the guys attention. ‘Fake alphas’ know all to well, just don’t give a shit and its fuckin easy to get laid. Men care WAY too fucking much.

    Society cares WAY too fucking much about what women THINK or HOW THEY ACT….ALL of this I realize is human nature on some level, but even THIS website which has the best of intentions still reinforces the female victory over men. Who gives a fuck how to game girls man. She either wants to go out with you or she doesn’t. If ever man DIDNT GIVE A FLAMING FUCK every fucking girl would be begging for dates. Men care way too fucking much in everything they fucking do. Entire society revolves around what women want, fuck those cunts. She can have whatever I want to give her, and nothing else. Men spend way too much fucking time worrying about a fucking girl. For Christs sake, better yourself and your family and friends and a girl WILL come along at some point, rest easy she will come along if oyu just don’t give a fuck and do your own fucking thing. Holy fuck man.

    A society of fucking men trying to act like girls to sleep with them. I realize it works man, I fucking still do it (covert game) but it always feels fucking womanly as fuck. Let the women be women and worry about their own fucking little realities. Men need to be focused on calling that bitch out for doing stupid shit. WHAT ARE HER ACTIONS? Fuck what shes saying and ‘feeling’ – call her out on what her actions are, thats it. Goddamn man, some of these PUA guys like RSD and shit, its disgusting to see it ma – they’ve learned the art of how to be a woman and seduce her intp bed. As if THATS what a man is. Give me a fuckin break. Over concern for what women think. Men of today are fucking way way too worried about girls when they should be worried about gaining their own personal values and morals and just not giving a fuck what girls think or do or say. Ay the end of day , sure it’s ‘good’ to be able to talk to girls on their wavelength, they will ‘love’ you for it, but ultimately that isn’t the true way of man.

  13. I’d offer an additional answer to the question – an “Attention Whore” may simply be a woman that is more *successful* at attracting attention than other women. Therefore it becomes expedient to disqualify her; precisely the same as calling a beautiful, sexy woman a “Whore” in any other context, regardless of her actual level of promiscuity.

  14. interesting piece. recently i have come across many viewpoints on women who are married or in a relationship statement they want to be desire by other men or want outside male attention , i have been looking for academic scholarly works touching on this but no luck . ayesha curry the wife of the famous basketball player stepha curry has recently stated her concerns with not getting male attention . i just don’t understand this phenomenon. many women are relating to her . are you familiar wiith any research in this area or have insight to this , would appreciate it .

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