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In any relationship, the person with the most power is the one who needs the other the least.

This is a foundation of any relationship, not just intersexual ones, but family, business, etc. relationships as well. It is a dynamic that is always in effect. For my own well being and that of my family’s, I need my employer more than he needs me, ergo I get up for work in the morning and work for him. And while I am also a vital part for the uninterrupted continuance of his company and endeavours, he simply needs me less than I need him. Now I could win the lottery tomorrow or he may decide to cut my pay or limit my benefits, or I may complete my Masters Degree and decide that I can do better than to keep myself yoked to his cart indefinitely, thereby, through some condition either initiated by myself or not, I am put into a position of needing him less than he needs me. At this point he is forced into a position of deciding how much I am worth to his ambitions and either part ways with me or negotiate a furtherance of our relationship.

The same plays true for intersexual relationships. Whether you want to base your relationship on ‘power’ or not isn’t the issue; it’s already in play from your first point of attraction. You are acceptable to her for meeting any number of criteria and she meets your own as well. If this weren’t the case you simply would not initiate a mutual relationship. This is the first comparisson we make with another individual – call it ‘sizing up’ if you like – but we make innate (and often unconscious) comparisons about everything and in the case of initial attraction we decide if the the other person is acceptable for our own intimacy. From this point it becomes a cooperative negotiation.

This principle isn’t so much about ‘power’ as it is about control. This might sound like semantics, but it does make a difference. It’s very easy to slip into binary arguments and think that what I mean by the cardinal rule of relationships is that one participant must absolutely rule over the other – a domineering dominant personality to a doormat submissive personality. Control in a healthy relationship passes back and forth as desire and need dictate for each partner. In an unhealthy realationship you have an unbalanced manipulation of this control by a partner.

Although control is never in complete balance, it becomes manipulation when one partner, in essence, blackmails the other with what would otherwise be a behavioral reinforcer for the manipulated partner under healthy circumstances. This happens for a variety of different reasons, but the condition comes about by two ways – the submissive participant becomes conditioned to allow the manipulation to occur and/or the dominant one initiates the manipulation. In either case the rule still holds true – the one who needs the other the least has the most control. Nowhere is this more evident than in interpersonal relationships.

Too many people who I counsel and read my posts (here and elsewhere) assume that this Rule means that I’m advocating the maintaining a position of dominance at the expense of their partners; far from it. I do however advocate that people – young men in particular – develop a better sense of self-worth and a better understanding of their true efficacy in their relationships (assuming you decide to become involved in one). Don’t get me wrong, both sexes are guilty of manipulation; Battered women go back to their abusive boyfriends/husbands and pussy whipped men compromise themselves and their ambitions to better serve their girlfriend’s insecurities. My intent in promoting this Rule is to open the eyes of young men who are already predisposed to devaluing themselves and placing women as the goal of their lives rather than seeing themselves as the PRIZE to be sought after. Compromise is always going to be a part of any relationship, but what’s key is realizing when that compromise becomes the result of manipulation, what is in effect, then developing the confidence to be uncompromising in those situations. This is where a firm understanding of the cardinal rule of relationships becomes essential.

There’s nothing wrong with backing down from an argument you have with your girlfriend, but there is something wrong when you continually compromise yourself in order to ‘keep the peace’ with the understanding that she’ll withhold intimacy as a result of you holding your ground. That is a power play, also known as a ‘shit test’. She initiates it thus becoming the controlling party.

No woman’s intimacy (i.e. sex) is ever worth that compromise because in doing so you devalue your own worth to her. Once this precident is set, she will progressively have less respect for you – exactly opposite of the popular conception that she’ll appreciate your compromising for her and reward you for your “sensitivity”.

And really, what are you compromising in order to achieve? Set in this condition, her intimacy. That isn’t genuine desire or real interest in you, it’s a subtle psychological test (that all too many men are unaware of) meant to determine who needs the other more. There is no more a superior confidence for a man than one with the self-understanding that he will not compromise himself for the recognized manipulations of a woman, and the fortitude to walk away knowing he can and will find a better prospect than her. This is the man who passes the shit test. It’s called ‘enlightened self-interest’ -— I cannot help others until I can help myself — and a principle I wholely endorse.

After much hand wringing and urgings from friends and commenters on various forums and blogs in the “community” I’ve finally decided to give the blog thing a try. I’ve resisted for a very long time. The main reason for this has always been my preference for a ‘forum’ style interaction when it comes to sharing ideas. In all honesty, I prefer that kind of open discourse because I feel it’s more conducive to a free interchange of ideas, and particularly ideas I may emphatically disagree with. As abrasive as this can often be at times it helps me understand the thought process that people use to come to their conclusions. Forums are better learning experiences, even if you have to suffer the occasional troll.

It’s always been my impression that blogs are more than a bit self-serving for the writer. The open discourse a forum affords is kind of squelched in blog comment threads since the real purpose of a blog is to promote the solitary ideas of the author, and anyone else can chime in if they feel the need. As conceited as this sounds, I think I’ve got too much humility to believe my ideas should be shouted from a rooftop to the exception of the input of others. I believe in the first rule of the philosopher – all I know is that I know nothing. So it’s in the spirit of remaining the eternal student that I’m starting this.

Most of you will know me as a long time SoSuave forum moderater and contributor, but as I’ve branched off into other forums and contributed to the comments and conversations of various ‘community’ blogs I’ve been inundated with requests to compile my ideas in one place. And thats the real purpose of this blog, to collect ideas and hopefully have others profit from them as they can.

That said, my initial plan is to repost sort of a ‘best of’ series of topics I’ve archived from sosuave.com interspersed with fresh topics as they hit me. After 8 plus years of contributing to SoSuave my hope is that others beyond that particular community can benefit the ideas that evolved there. I am now and will be for the foreseeable future still be a regular contributor and Mod there. I have no plans to abandon that forum, and in fact I’d encourage readers here to do their own searches of my user name Rollo Tomassi for any particular topic of interest I may have covered in the past: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/index.php

It’s my sincere hope that you can benefit from my ideas on intergender issues. Some of them may seem a bit foreign to the uninitiated. Others may be familiar, but the mechanics were still confusing, and still others may be something you’ve never considered. Always understand that nothing I state here or on any forum or comment thread is ever meant to be set in stone. In return, I would encourage all my readers to adopt the same ‘eternal student’ ideology and open your minds to critically understanding things that will at times be uncomfortable to consider.

Rollo Tomassi