Building Better Worlds

building_worlds

I had an interesting conversation this week with my good friend Ray and a couple of my designers, Sadie and Sam (names changed to protect the innocent). Just a little background first; Sadie is the Japanese woman I mention in Mental Point of Origin. She’s been divorced once and her relationship history is one punctuated by her involvement with Beta men.

She’s is the definition of the opportunistic concept of female love, but her frustration comes from never having been able to consolidate on an optimized Hypergamy – she simply doesn’t have attractiveness or feminine pleasantry to generate the Alpha interest that would satisfy her. Thus, she attracts Beta orbiters looking for some low hanging fruit, and force-fits them into a contextual Alpha frame. In other words, she opportunistically entertains the Betas with provisioning potential and hopes they’ll man up into dominant Alphas. Thus far she’s been disappointed.

Sam is a gay man in his early 30s who makes a good living afforded by not having children and possessing a high calibre technical skill set. He’s got the outgoing, “look at me, I’m special because I’m gay” exuberance I expect from gay men, but he’s not flamboyant and can still be professional when he has to be. He’s been “dating” a new guy for a while now and has moved this guy into his home recently. He took part in our conversation because the issues of sharing resources, money and picking up half the rent (in his case mortgage) in a relationship came up.

Ray has been one of my best friends for over 15 years now and he’s the guy I mention in Good Girls Do. He’s worked for me directly or indirectly for most of that time and he’s notorious for starting conversations like this when we have downtime. He’s a firestarter, it’s what I like about him, and among the three he’s the only one who knows my online reputation. Ray is Red Pill aware so he knows how to prompt a controversial conversation with me when we’re in mixed company.

Ray: “RT, hypothetical question…”

RT: “Do I have to?”

Ray: “Let’s say you move your girlfriend in with you…”

RT: “Let’s say I don’t and I would never do that. End of hypothetical.”

Ray: “No, I know, but, say you did, and let’s say your rent is $1,000 a month. Would you tell your girlfriend ‘Hey the rent is $1,000 a month how about you pay $300 and I’ll pay $700 or would you say 50/50?”

RT: “No. I’d pay it all myself. I’d also be sure that only my name was on the lease.”

Sadie:”What? Why, that’s silly?”

Ray: “You wouldn’t expect any contribution?”

RT: “No. I wouldn’t turn it down if she took it upon herself to contribute, but I wouldn’t expect it from a girl I (foolishly) brought into my living arrangement.”

Sadie: “You wouldn’t expect her to pay half?”

RT: “No. If I can’t provide my own $1,000 rent or food, or to keep the lights on, I have no business bringing a woman into that arrangement. If I have more than enough for myself I don’t need her paying. Besides, if she’s that into living with me, she’ll want to contribute in other ways and I wont have to ask.”

Sam: “You don’t think it should be an equal split? Maybe that’s a man and a woman thing…”

RT: “Yes and no. I’m sure between you and your boyfriend there’s a more dominant personality right?”

Sam: “Yeah, me.”

RT: “And you probably make more money too. So there’s really no ‘equality’ when it comes down to it.”

Sadie: “I expect my boyfriend to pay half the rent.”

RT: “Of course you do, because women think in terms of equality when it works to their advantage. What if your ‘boyfriend’ could pay for all the rent, utilities and most of everything else? Would you still try to pay half?”

Sadie: “Yes of course.”

RT: “What if he only paid just half and you knew it was a better deal for him?

Sadie: (tentative) “Yes,…”

RT: “I doubt that, but what you’re saying is that you’d limit improving your way of life to maintain a belief in equality.”

Sadie: “All the guy’s I’ve lived with have been mooches.”

RT: “Which explains why you’re not living with them any more. It goes both ways, women don’t respect men they need to support. All this stuff about equality in relationships is nonsense.If your boyfriend could easily make rent while you struggled to come up with it you’d resent him for it. There is no equal division.”

Sam: “I guess I see what you’re saying, but the expectation is still the same even for me and [boyfriend].

RT: “There is no equality in a relationship, but there can be complementarity where either person’s benefits can offset the needs of the other.”

Ray: “So you and Mrs. T aren’t 50/50?”

RT: “Ray, I make about 4 times the money that she does, how is there ever going to be anything like equality with that kind of balance?”

Ray: “But what about chores and shit?”

RT: “I take care of the outside of the house, she takes care of the inside. I do the smelly dirty jobs, she keeps the fresh cleaning ones, it’s not rocket science.”

Sam: “Sounds like you just want to stay in the power position.”

RT: “Yes, but it’s only a power play if you’re exploiting your partner. Women like to say they want an equal partner, but they don’t, do they Sadie? They want someone to respect and look up to. So when that comes down to numbers, to money, what’s really holding you together? Love? Mutual interests? (at Sam) Right now you can’t help but be the more dominant one in your relationship. So do you stop being so just to balance things? Do you expect [boyfriend] to pick up the slack more?

The Cardinal Rule of Relationships

In any relationship, the person with the most power is the one who needs the other the least.

This principle isn’t so much about ‘power’ as it is about control. This might sound like semantics, but it makes a difference. It’s very easy to slip into binary arguments and think that what I mean by the cardinal rule of relationships is that one participant must absolutely rule over the other – a domineering dominant to a doormat submissive. Control in a healthy relationship passes back and forth as desire and need dictate for each partner. In an unhealthy relationship you have an unbalanced manipulation of this control by a partner. Although control is never in complete balance, it becomes manipulation when one partner, in essence blackmails, the other with what would otherwise be a reinforcer for the manipulated under a healthy circumstance. This happens for a plethora different reasons, but the condition comes about by two ways – the submissive participant becomes conditioned to allow the manipulation to occur and/or the dominate initiates the manipulation. In either case the rule still holds true – the one who needs the other the least has the most control. Nowhere is this more evident than in interpersonal relationships.

When I was writing this post many years ago I hadn’t fully considered how this rule interacts with, and contradicts, many of the tenets of egalitarian equalism. The idealistic state of that equalism is one in which two co-equal, yet independent people come together in a perfect union of balance. In theory that balance should account for resources, emotional investment, family considerations, as well as intellectual and social status aspects of either partner.

These considerations alone should be enough to illustrate equalitarianism as the manipulative farce it is, however, all we really need to do is take into account the Cardinal Rule of Relationships. It’s very easy to be accused of being controlling when you embrace the truth of this rule – and particularly so when the reigning social undercurrent is one in which everyone ought to be co-equal rational actors.

I expected to have that leveled at me in this conversation, but it’s important to bear in mind the real nature of power. By my own definition, power is the degree of control we exercise over the direction of our own lives. As I mentioned, I don’t mind being the more powerful partner in terms of resources in my marriage because I accept that stupid notions of maintaining anything like “equality” is simply infeasible. I know more than a few men who’ve sold their lives’ potential away in the belief that they should lessen themselves in order to support a more balanced, equalist ideal. Ultimately their relationships, marriages and families suffer because they never own that potential – just the idea of owning it is a source of guilt and shame.

For all of the bleating about more equitability being needed between men and women. the fundamental truth is that it’s neither a realistic nor workable state. I’ve used money for my illustration here, but this applies to many other facets of an intersexual relationship. From an equalist perspective this sounds a lot like a want for creating a condition of dependency, but in truth it is an unachievable state of egalitarianism that creates a never-satisfied state of dependency.

Her World or Yours?

If you go back and look at the video from Bachelor Nation you can see the dichotomy that presumptions of “equality” sows in western(izing) women today. Within the first 6 minutes of the video we see the internal contradictions inherent in women. There is a want for an idealized equal pairing, but yet a desire for a man to be a Man. The documentary finds the root of this dichotomy in modern resource imbalances between the sexes, and makes the predictable appeal to men not living up to their burden of performance. The male shame comes in contrasting women’s taking on what should be men’s performance burdens – the male obligation to which ironically flies in the face of anything like true egalitarian equalism.

Stay-at-home dads, house husbands, and anything relatable will always have a stigma attached to them in spite of any weak attempts to make them socially acceptable. That stigma is founded in a limbic-level understanding of men’s burden of performance; to be a Man is not just to produce sustainable resources, but to provide a surplus of those resources.

I recently read a poll sponsored by Forbes magazine that listed men’s top goals in life and for the first time in that poll’s history “a good physique” outranked all personal and financial ambitions for top executives. The predictable shame then followed that men aren’t “Manning Up” any more, and they’ve become vain, self-absorbed narcissists for a new focus on what image they present.

The obvious Red Pill conclusion is of course a realignment with the prevailing social perceptions (courtesy of the Feminine Imperative I might add) that women are out-earning men financially and educationally; thus the Alpha Fucks side of Hypergamy takes precedent. If America’s top execs are heeding the message of Open Hypergamy, why bother establishing yourself financially, academically, ambition-wise or otherwise?

The problem with this equation is evident in the Bachelor Nation video. I can understand the sentiments of MGTOW; if the opinions expressed by the quality of woman represented in the video are any indicator of a female zeitgeist it makes the idea of abandoning the Game altogether that much more appealing.

That said, and I’m going to dare to get prescriptive here, I believe that establishing yourself as an independent Man should be your top priority. I have no doubt that that sentiment will get convoluted with feminism’s Strong Independent Woman® meme, but lets clarify something first – the ideal that men ought to be strong and independent has always been the precursor to his quality as a man. Independence, self-sufficiency and determined ambitions have always been the hallmarks of a man comfortable with his burden of performance. Only in women is independence a novelty.

Yet now, in men, this independence is not just a novelty, but it’s been distorted into being an obsessive-compulsive sign of a man’s imagined insecurities. The very strength and independence men have always been expected to embody is the domain of women, while any hope for it from men is a sign of a fragile ego.

Iron Rule of Tomassi #1

Frame is everything. Always be aware of the subconscious balance of who’s frame in which you are operating. Always control the Frame, but resist giving the impression that you are.

I firmly believe Alpha is a mindset. That mindset can get the poorest son-of-a-bitch laid with the right application, tact and circumstance. That’s a tough pill to swallow when you work your ass off in the belief that your affluence and status should be the metric Alpha is judged by and women respond to. That’s also not to say affluence and status won’t get you laid by their own merit, it’s just the context in which that happens that makes the difference. There are many men who’ve found their retroactive cuckolding after having based their personal successes on the presumption that those successes should be the basis of his quality to women.

The concept of frame covers a lot of aspects of our daily lives, some of which we’re painfully aware of, others we are not, but nonetheless we are passively influenced by frame. What concerns us in terms of inter-gender relations however is the way in which frame sets the environment, the ambience, and the ‘reality’ in which we relate with both the woman we sarge at a bar and the relationship with the woman we’ve lived with for 20 years. One important fact to consider, before I launch into too much detail, is to understand that frame is NOT power. The act of controlling the frame may be an exercise in power for some, but let me be clear from the start that the concept of frame is who’s ‘reality’ in which you choose to operate in relation to a woman. Both gender’s internalized concept of  frame is influenced by our individual acculturation, socialization, psychological conditioning, upbringing, education, etc., but be clear on this, you are either operating in your own frame or you’re operating in hers. Also understand that the balance of frame often shifts. Frame is fluid and will find its own level when a deficit or a surplus of will is applied to change it. The forces that influence that lack or boost of will is irrelevant – just know that the conditions of an operative framework will shift because of them.

We can go back and debate the Crisis of Motive once again – who do you really do it for? – but in terms of Frame, even if you subscribe to a MGTOW perspective, it’s important for a Man to have a world into which a woman might enter. Not for her sake, but for a Man’s edification.

Establish your world; you shall make your mission, not your woman your priority. Women should only ever be a complement to a man’s life, never the focus of it.

Published by Rollo Tomassi

Author of The Rational Male and The Rational Male, Preventive Medicine

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Sam Botta (@sambotta)
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I’ve been busy doing things this holiday weekend with my friends and family. I’ve been fishing, talking with my brother and friends, even played a gig with an old band I used to play with several years ago.
My daughter is 17 now so we talk a lot about boys and such. I grilled some great chicken and the fish I caught
~Rollo Tomassi

Cool!

chokmah _
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chokmah _
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not cool, I’ve been refreshing the website every 30 seconds waiting to be the first one to troll the new post, and he spends his time fishing!

Forge the Sky
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@YaReally “I consider myself lucky that I didn’t meat that ideal girl back then, because I would have courted and married her and had no idea that I would ultimately end up unsatisfied with her and my life choices. Far as I’m concerned, I dodged a bullet.” Ha, yeah, this is a crazy thing. If I had gotten oneitis for a girl with like 25% less issues I probably would have been able to hold the whole thing together by sheer force of will long enough to marry her and have a kid or two before shit really hit the… Read more »

Glenn
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Question for the field: Do any of you feel alienated from yourself due to the Blue Pill? I’ve been getting much more clear about how disengaged I am from my life, and it seems to me that internalizing all these fucked up values habituated seeing myself hyper critically, and never really being satisfied with what I was. It’s like I’m a running critique of myself and the world – as though there is another self who’s in there watching me or something. Just at it’s most basic, consider how the FI informs a man of exactly where he stands. We… Read more »

Will
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Will
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@yareally Yareally has some money things to say. Appreciate all of his advise. I’m about the age 24 and my notch count is at 16…I was in a frat in college but….I’d probably say that I did something right from when I lost my virginity till now…maybe I’m a natural but I didn’t know about this redpill shit until I was extremely beta and vulnerable and got broken up with from an LTR. Ever think maybe these girls who “are married with husbands” are just trying to stay away from hurting you because they don’t want to get serious with… Read more »

sjfrellc
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I want to thank Rollo Tomassi for the great weekend I am having. With red pill awareness and game I feel like I have better control over my circumstances and the direction of my life. Friday night I went to a dinner party and we met some new people. I was very anxious to see one guy who arrived was a super AMOG. I used amused mastery game in getting to know him and ingratiated myself to him. Another “playboy” type was negged by me initially and he melted. My wife and I had an easy-going great time. Spent two… Read more »

Sun Wukong
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@Glenn

It’s like I went into a wiring closed and ripped all the wires out of the punchdown blocks and am now sitting there with no idea what to do with the mess of wires in my lap.

I love when I get to tear everything up on a network like that and rebuild it. Means I get to do it my way instead of dealing with the stupid kludges, hacks, and bad planning that was in the way previously.

An apt metaphor in every way, really.

sjfrellc
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@Will

You are young and incongruent. The other day you spoke about surgeons caring for their patients. You do realize that surgeons are among the most psychopathic of professionals?

You can rest all you want on your N count but it seems your real concern is with a long term relationship. I sense you fear not obtaining one.

I would advise you against pushing back at YaReally or at Rollo. They are a bit more congruent than the thoughts you are pushing. Read more, comment after that.

kfg
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“The other day you spoke about surgeons . . .”

Then moved the goal post to physicians.

Forge the Sky
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@Glenn I’m running into all this at half your age, so it might not be too surprising that I don’t have as profound a sense of alienation or being lost as you describe. But I can empathize; this starts being a process of just wondering how women tick, and ends up being a great battle to figure out just what, exactly, you stand for, what you like and dislike, what’s important to you. It takes a remodeling from the ground up. Like YaReally and I were discussing just a little upthread, in a pregame (or bluepill) state you have all… Read more »

Forge the Sky
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correction – “I was never really critical of myself for these moments of alpha, the sexually that they represented.”

It’s amazing how frequently typos seem to make something mean the opposite of intent.

sjfrellc
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It would behoove Will to become red pill aware (and swallow that pill) if he is to become a physician.

Changing the subject, Have any of you been to a female physician and thought her medical decision making was directed by her emotions rather than straightforward rational thinking? I used to see women physicians look at a patients chart outside the exam room and decide what they were going to do for the patient before they saw and discussed things with the patient. The woman physician was self centered.

ChocDoc
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@ Rollo: I always had Problems with to accept this PUA thing ( and still have). Iam reading this Blog for about 8 months now and also have read some PUA Blogs. What i could quiet easy accept and understand is all that what has to do with TRP (especially your Blog !). I could understand it easily because it was easy for me to observe and to experience it in my own life and lives of friends and family members. What i also understand is the burden of performance for a man. In fact it’s the key for beeing… Read more »

YaReally
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@Glenn You’re just going through the natural process of unplugging. Your old wiring was all fucked up and needed to be torn out before you can start to fix the machine. And there’ll be more wiring in there that you won’t even realize is there till you run into it in certain situations. And it’ll piss you off, and make you sad, and you’ll think stuff like “how could I be so stupid to believe the lies??” and “how could people I thought CARED about me put me and KEEP ME on such a fucked up path??” There’s a whole… Read more »

Will
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@sjfrellc I cherish @yareally’s comments and advice….i’ve always said that since day one. ALSO, my earlier posts were in regards to my opinion that *you are what you do*. If you have a career that demands dominance/confidence (CEO, pro athlete, surgeon, physician etc) then you will adopt that skill-set or attitude or mindset. I’m not denying that red-pill awareness is necessary. I’m saying it’s usually more simple than what some of the manosphere makes it out to be…… and @yareally You are very motivational/inspiring. Believe me when I say this I value your words. What would be horrible and depressing… Read more »

Hobbes
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@yareally- I’m going to clarify my thoughts before I write much else. But I do get the sense from your writing that part of the problem is that we have different philosophical viewpoints on things like love- if I am interpreting some of what you wrote right. I think in TRP there a few positions on the idea of love, for some it is a mere illusion, nothing more than instinctual drives etc., for some love is something men can feel and give, but women are considered to be incapable of due to hypergamy, etc, . for others it is… Read more »

Hobbes
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@Forge- re: charisma topic. I haven’t found much so far, but I’ve been swamped lately. I’m going to stay on it though, it’s cool that you share the same interest in the subject. Let me know if you dig anything of value up as well.

M Simon
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Lone Survivor
May 23rd, 2015 at 2:12 pm

Isn’t that approval seeking behavior?

It is usually good if your customers approve of you. The only question that remains is –> Are you the customer or is she?

But look at yourself. You only have sex with women who want you for your money. And money is your only medium of exchange. The point of this blog is to look at other mediums of exchange. “He excites me.”

M Simon
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Glenn, Note how a place where a male, warrior culture is present (if defanged and suppressed and shamed) has some of the most effective answers on how to deal with PTSD, while women go insane with it to the point where they believe they can develop PTSD from having bad things said to them on Twitter. They claim to need to avoid “triggers” when in fact another aspect of successfully treating PTSD is exposure therapy. That means being exposed to aspects of the trauma again, intentionally to desensitize oneself to it. Fyi, this is why Chris Kyle, that sniper who… Read more »

M Simon
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Only a man that performs well can operate from a dominant Role to control, respectively to influence his Life, Business/Work and especially women.

Not true. You can be objectively doing poorly and still be dominant if you have the proper frame and your trajectory is correct.

The frame is: “I will regain control” – “the setback is not permanent”.

And you would be surprised at the number of women who respond positively to that.

It is a Zen thing – “Never let failure or success go to your head.”

M Simon
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Lets try this again: Glenn, Note how a place where a male, warrior culture is present (if defanged and suppressed and shamed) has some of the most effective answers on how to deal with PTSD, while women go insane with it to the point where they believe they can develop PTSD from having bad things said to them on Twitter. They claim to need to avoid “triggers” when in fact another aspect of successfully treating PTSD is exposure therapy. That means being exposed to aspects of the trauma again, intentionally to desensitize oneself to it. Fyi, this is why Chris… Read more »

M Simon
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letstalkaboutsomerealshit

May 23rd, 2015 at 4:52 pm

@M Simon is paid Samizdat. Engage at your own peril. (I know, I’m racist. Get over it.)

On the Samizdat part you are correct. As to “paid” – I wish.

M Simon
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Lone Survivor

May 23rd, 2015 at 5:29 pm

@M Simon

So, after all, all what you did boils down to craving for female approval.

Why would I crave it? I’m 70 years old and women STILL come on to me spontaneously.

T.
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@YaReally: Like that guy that debates with me there has decided all PUA is a scam and anything that in any way remotely will help you with women is evil and based off supplicating to women’s approval, which we all know is a silly fallacy that’s been debunked numerous times. The guy even agrees that a guy who’s got his shit together in business health etc. but can’t get laid just needs some basic social skills and flirting training…just not TOO MUCH. Not the BAD kind! Only the GOOD KIND that HE approves of and through his limited paradigm is… Read more »

Jean
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Jean
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Hey Rollo,

I just finished preventive medicine. I am in the process of defining my new Red Pill system/context.

Do you have any post that lists all the red pill truths and all the blue pills lies? That would help me a lot.

Thanks,

Jean

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