The Flow

When I was writing Breadcrumbs this week, I was attempting to focus on one aspect of an overall whole of applicable Game that I assumed most readers of this blog would already have some grasp of. I regret that I’m sometimes hasty in these assumptions; there are plenty of freshly unplugged Men who are looking for practical information on Game who’re completely unfamiliar with the techniques and associated principles that support them. It’s a shame to me to think that a guy’s first experience with Game should come from, to put it gently, a more juvenile mindset. It’s no wonder most men spit the red pill out after being told ham-handedly to “just neg the target bro.” It’s difficult enough for most men to come to terms with their fem-centric psychological conditioning, but doubts about the legitimacy of a still evolving Game, courtesy of adolescents, is often enough to drive a man back into his mental cocoon.

What I was alluding to in Breadcrumbs was an element in the overall flow of a date. I use the term “date” here in its loosest meaning; no one really “dates” anymore, but there is a progression in engaging a woman you have an interest in, whether you’re on date number three of an LTR or you’re working towards a same night lay.

The Process

As odd as this will sound there is a natural “flow” to a date that escalates to intimacy. Much of what the mPUAs teach is really emulation of behaviors that follow this flow. Damn near every PUA technique (tools in the toolbox) is a behavior most men in the seminars have never figured out on their own either by way of fear of rejection, or simply no opportunity. Kino, C&F (cocky & funny), peacocking, open-ended questions, conversational skills, isolation, escalation, etc. are all part of this flow. When a guy gets stuck at a particular stage in this flow the date breaks down, interest levels waiver. This may be him, it may be her, often a combination of both, but the flow stalls out and intimacy is not arrived at.

For a guy used to rejection (and at some point this is ALL guys) and sexual deprivation, the natural impulse is to blather out as much information as possible in the shortest amount of time for fear that he wont get another stab at the only girl in recent memory who accepted his approach. He disrupts the flow and ceases to intrigue the woman. As counterintuitive as this seems (and contrary to the popular belief that women want full disclosure and complete honesty) women want to read a Man chapter by chapter, each chapter being a new reward for her interest.

Nothing is more self-satisfying for a woman than for her to think she has pieced together who you are using her (imagined) feminine intuition.

But the AFC rattles off his life-story book summation from the back cover and feeds her the cliff notes all in the course of a 2 hour date, vomiting it out all over the restaurant table and mistakenly believes it’s just a necessary step to intimacy and familiarity. He loses the initiative, his sense of mystery, his challenge and his attention is too easily given – and is therefore worthless because she didn’t have to earn it. In his rush to get past the uncomfortable stages of clumsily developing rapport, he denies her the satisfaction of having to ‘figure him out’.

Embracing the Flow

The guy who successfully escalates is the Man who’s conscious of this flow and isn’t afraid to sometimes pause it, be deliberately ambiguous, or halt it altogether in order to leave her wanting more – then restarting it, should it hang. The Man who’s got options isn’t afraid of keeping his own mystery and challenge about him, and women covertly pick up on this nuance. The guy who does this communicates confidence subconsciously in that she picks up on the fact that his attention (and personal information) is a reward for her interest. This is the ‘breadcrumb’ ideal that maintains flow. Give her just enough tidbits, breadcrumbs, about yourself to pick up the next one and lead her where you (and she) want her to be.

Be Her Drug Dealer

I should note at this point that there is a certain bio-chemical aspect for women experiencing intrigue. However, by this definition, a person can develop a ‘tolerance’ to the endorphin cocktail if exposed to it often enough. When engaging a woman, probably the last thing on a Man’s mind is the hormonal responses being triggered for her while the ‘date’ progresses. The easiest illustration of this is the “action date” theory; do something exciting with your target in order for her to associate that feeling with you. On the front end, she’s jet skiing with you in South Beach, but on the backend her body is producing adrenaline and dopamine in excitement. The ideal state is very Pavlovian; you want the very mental image of you to produce the same effect in her body chemistry.

That’s all fine, but maintaining that rush doesn’t need to come exclusively from bungee jumping or sky diving. Those same chemical triggers can be stimulated with indignation, jealousy, lust, intrigue, suspicion, imagination, etc., basically all the food her internal hamster needs to spin the wheel. Far too many men underestimate a woman’s nuanced sensitivity to the prompts that trigger this biological response.

Using this information, it would seem that the right idea would be to do the intuitive thing and perpetuate the good feeling rush of the date by rattling off as much detail about yourself in the shortest amount of time to get to intimacy. It seems to make sense since every guy’s been told the way into a woman’s pants is to make her feel comfortable with him, to be her friend, be sensitive, listen to her, etc. So he can’t appreciate the necessary anxiety that comes from sexual tension in attraction. The attraction phase is uncomfortable, and the natural, predictable response is to avoid the discomfort. So while she may be high on endorphins at the time, his rationale is still deductive – how does he get from point A to point B to point C?

He desexualizes, he sells the farm, he makes himself an open book and essentially kills the impetus and breaks the flow.

Published by Rollo Tomassi

Author of The Rational Male and The Rational Male, Preventive Medicine

24 comments on “The Flow

  1. Great post, you’re material on this lately has been eye opening to me. the whole ideas of being honest with girls and opening up to them was always my MO, i didn’t realize what a kiss of death it is!

    I experienced this recently with a friend I met through my social circle and its hillarious to look back at how poorly i played it when i started to be “up front” and open about my feelings toward her. what a huge mistake.

    Now I’ve been working on just being okay with the fact that I overplayed my hand…maybe we’ll see each other again (though I don’t think i care to) and maybe not.

    good stuff

  2. Great post, Rollo. I used to do the same thing Ricky did, be all honest and up front, totally dousing the tingle. A female friend broke this down for me when she analyzed one of my recent dead ends.

    But it’s funny, with the ones I wasn’t that interested in, the convos always went much better: push/pull, lots of playful edgy innuendos, great back and forths. Oh well, ya learn from your mistakes.

  3. Totally worth repeating, Rollo. I’ve heard variants of this advice before, but never described in such a concrete way.

    The old-school Mystery stuff is all about displaying your value early, but the real key is to do so indirectly. Being a man, I never really understood why, other than it would seem like bragging. But your understanding of the female mind lays it out perfectly.

    For the same reason girls love nonsense like palm-reading and fortune telling, they love being “intuitive”. And the male belief in getting straight to the facts so that we don’t waste anyone’s time just butts up right against that.

    It’s the thought missiles like these that make the true difference when you’re out there talking to a girl. It’s impossible to run through a 900 step checklist and still keep up a conversation – but I guarantee you at least 3 times tonight, I’ll be talking to a girl and right before I’m about to say something, my mind will say “Keep up the mystery”.

    Nicely done. I only find these types of things about once a month. But when I get them, they bore straight into the middle of my brain and stay there.

    1. It’s a condition of our feminine-centric society that men approach dating / hooking up from a default female perspective. Most plugged-in men approach dating in a female-defined headspace.

      The burden of qualification for her intimacy is just a given situation for him to the point that any other option isn’t a thought that enters his head.

      That’s why guys struggle with maintaining mystery and challenge, because it’s counter to anything they’ve been taught about being open, honest, “just being themselves”, a good listener, etc. They’re playing the game from the perspective of a woman.

      1. Ha – I had written a long reply to your comment about the difference of keeping up the mystery between talking to a man and talking to girl – when I realized I had completely missed your point.

        “The burden of qualification for her intimacy is just a given situation for him to the point that any other option isn’t a thought that enters his head.”

        The problem isn’t how effectively I’m qualifying myself, it’s that I’m qualifying myself in the first place. That’s some Jedi mind-trick stuff there.

  4. A couple of years ago I made a stop in NYC on my way back from overseas. Before I left home I contacted a girl I used to hang out with who had moved to Manhattan and asked her if she wanted to meet up while I was in town. She agreed and was excited about seeing me, so I asked her if I could ship a package of “business stuff” to her so I didn’t have to drag it to London and back on the plane.

    She hesitantly agreed, but immediately became VERY curious (suspicious??) about why I would be traveling to London and then NYC, and most importantly what was in the package.

    I realized what this mystery had triggered so I decided to run with it. When this chick lived here in town we had hooked up a few times but it was nothing more than drunken party sex. I doubt she even knew what I did for a living.

    When all was said and done I had this chick believing that I was dealing semi-precious gems around the globe. Or at least that was my front. I totally hammed it up. I can only imagine what her imagination had concocted to try to piece the whole puzzle together.

    My only mistake was eventually revealing the real purpose of my trip. The longer you can drag out the breadcrumb trail, the better.

  5. The other post made it sound like, there had been no date yet nor had there even been a date set up yet, the people aready were around each other thus knew somethings about the others based on the perception of their observations (especially non-verbal) but the women had some interest so that was good, but the main thing was with only a few weeks left to make a move there was a sense of urgency (not desperation though) so he didn’t have a lot of time to ask at least one of them out on a “date.” Now this post goes into being on “dates” and not disclosing too much about you. It’s better to not verbalize your interest in her for instance to not say, “I think I like you” or “Am I your type?” or “I feel that we make a good couple,” or you will then probably be asking “Wait, what did I say, come back, please.” Therefore, it’s better to not say your feelings at all unless in a LTR or marriage (and even then not too often).
    Many Game bloggers/instructors are in their 20’s/30’s/40’s/50’s and a bunch of them say to neg, but this is probably one of the biggest misconceptions in all of game theory because many newbies to game might think they “have to” to go out and neg/put down every women as a DHV but they don’t even “have to neg” and they end up at worst being an angry abuser and at best sounding stupid (neither is a good vibe). An exception is for a complete bitch, then neg, but it’s better to just say bye. Saying to a girl “You’re ugly” is a neg, but it’s probably not going to increasing her attraction. It’s probably better instead of negative negs, to call them “Playful Teases” because usually if she doesn’t view it as playful and maybe even laugh (increasing arousal), then it’s probably not going to lead to going along with an escalation or another date.
    Men can and want to escalate from 0 to 60 in like 10 seconds. Women escalate (going from meet to getting physical while feeling that it just is happening naturally) from 0 to 60 in hours to many days. Therefore, it’s usually better for a man to physically escalate slowly and GRADUALLY, and this along with not saying much info about you because you are qualifying to see if you are interested in her, is the main points of these two (so far) posts. Good points.

    1. “Many Game bloggers/instructors are in their 20’s/30’s/40’s/50’s”
      … this is redundant.
      To a critical thinker like me, that one sentence throws shade on all that follows.
      No offense

  6. Wait- that’s brilliant. The rush ‘to get past the uncomfortable stages of clumsily developing rapport’ through what-do-you-do-who-are-you talk stems from rejection-avoidance fear. Brilliant.

    I’ve felt something was wrong whenever I devolved into that behavior. Now I know why.


    I’ve wanted to laud you for a while now, but I really have to say you’ve been killing it in an area which has been underserved in the attraction-dynamics market. Understanding women. When you ‘get’ women, you don’t make mistakes. You have a knack for focusing on the subtleties of the female mind, and your writing has absolutely changed my game for the better. Thank you.

  7. To clarify, that is to say similar to what @iamjersey201 said. It’s not that you are trying to qualify yourself to her (that would be fem-centric and put her in charge) for her approval and trying to get her familiar/comfortable with you by saying everything about you on the first date in hopes it will make her attracted to you (in fact, as Rollo said, it does the opposite and makes her less attracted). It is that she is qualifying herself to you, and thus you see if you are interested in her, and you do this by not saying much about you to her as you let her do most of the verbal talking. Then, you as a man take the lead in physically (non-verbally) escalating very gradually.
    Rollo’s right about appealing to her emotions in many ways and Action “Dates” are a great way to get her feeling a variety of emotions. If she doesn’t feel emotions then she will say it’s boring. It’s fun to go on rollercoasters, etc, and make her feel exciting emotions with you.

  8. Very true. I alternate between offering bits of information and being completely irreverant.

    When you give witty replies to her questions, then suddenly throw in a serious answer, it’s a big mind-fuck.

    That’s what I find really gets the hamster spinning.

    It’s like “wow…where did that come from? What else is in there?”

    A girl I’m now gaming and have banged twice is always asking tons of questions. I give various flippant answers, then thwo in somethign insightful or serious. Try it.

    1. This is exactly what Russell Brand does: Joke, jest, joke, jest, then boom … ARTICULATE INTELLIGENT TRUTH BOMB MONOLOGUE

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  10. It’s old, but I came here from the link in the most recent post. This can fill guys in on how some girls will end up liking them when they have no interest in them. And haven’t shown any interest in them.

  11. Men to understand that the flow of a “date” or an interaction with a woman will change once he see himself “as the prize”. Too many men focus on the woman being the prize (place them on that pedestal) and that’s where they fail.

    Live in the moment, go with that “flow, and most importantly remember that you (men) are the prize. You won’t believe how much your interactions with women will change.

  12. here’s what my uncle (a former pimp) says abt this topic:

    “make her work! do not simply give a woman your time, energy, attention, etc. be a challenge to her… so she can get in her own head (intuition confirmation) & let her fuck herself (actually bring the pussy to you).”

    it took me a long, long time to not run behind girls like a drooling idiot… like everyone else.

    instead, i had to learn patience & become the guy that was “hard to get,” & then my uncle’s statement made sense… and worked!

  13. “Game, courtesy of adolescents, is often enough to drive a man back into his mental cocoon.”

    “He desexualizes, he sells the farm, he makes himself an open book and essentially kills the impetus and breaks the flow.”
    Rollo fortunately your work cleans up my act my concept of what matters an a high caliber of MPO.

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