Dream Killers

Women should only ever be a complement to a man’s life, never the focus of it.

How common it is today to be married or getting married before we’ve realized any of our potential. For all the articles I read moaning and groaning about what a listless generation of “kidult” males we’ve inherited, that’s far removed from the reality of the young men I do consults with. No, what they want is just enough Game knowledge to connect with their Dream Girl and relax into a blissful beta cocoon of monogamy. They want to commit. Their lifetime AFC psychological conditioning makes commitment an urgency.

It never ceases to amaze me when I talk with these young men in their teens and 20s and they try to impress me with their fierce independence in every other realm of their lives, yet they are the same guys who are so ready to limit that independence and ambition in exchange for dependable female intimacy. They’re far too eager to slap on the handcuffs of monogamy, rather than develop themselves into men of ambition and passion that women naturally want to be associated with.

The truth however is that the longer you remain uncommitted, the more opportunities will be available to you. It’s been stated by wiser Men than I that women are dream-killers – and while I agree with this, I’d say this is due more to the man involved, and their own complicity and apathy, than some grand scheme of women.

It’s actually in women’s best interest that you don’t commit to them for a variety of reasons. I realize how counterintuitive that reads, but in your being so readily available you decrease your value as a commodity to them. Scarcity increases value, and particularly when the reason for that scarcity is something that serves another’s interest (hers in this example). The mid-20s Man pursuing his ambition to become an attorney in law school or the pre-med intern spending long hours at the hospital with aspirations of becoming a doctor is hindered and encumbered with the complications that maintaining a monogamous relationship necessitates of him. His time and efforts need to be applied toward acheiving his goals to become an even higher value Man – not just in terms of financial success but for his own edification and confidence. Needless to say, the constraints and obligations that maintaining a monogamous relationship require – both in time and emotional investment – make achieving these ambitions far more difficult.

I tend to promote the idea that Men should be sexually and emotionally non-exclusive until age 30, but this is a minimal suggestion. I think 35 may even serve better for Men. The importance being that as a Man ages and matures in his career, his ambitions and passions, his personality, his ability to better judge character, his overall understanding of behavior and motivations, etc. he becomes more valuable to the most desirable women and therefore enjoys better opportunity in this respect. Women’s sexual value decreases as they age and it’s at this point the balance tips into the maturing Man’s favor. It’s the Men who realize this early and understand that bettering themselves in the now will pay off better in the future while still enjoying (and learning from) the opportunities that come from being non-exclusive and non-commital make him a Man that women will compete for in the long term.

In your mid-20s you are at the apex of your potential with regards to the direction you will influence your life to go. I’m not going to make any friends by pointing this out, but what pisses off most “serial monogamists” is the unspoken regret of having assumed the responsibilities, liabilities and accountability of what monogamy demands before they truly understood their potential.

If you are single at 35 with a moderate amount of personal success, you are the envy of man-dom because you possess two of the most valuable resources most men your age or older statistically do not – time and freedom. I envy you. You are unshackled by the responsibilities, liabilities and accountabilities that most men your age in marriages, LTRs, with children, or recovering from divorce must contend with daily. Without any intention you are in such a position that you can go in any direction of your choosing without considering the impact of your choice for anyone but yourself. Many other men, in the most ideal of LTRs, do not have this luxury.

When you think of all the responsibilities that are required of most men (and women) in modern life today, you have won the lottery! I was once asked what I’d buy if money were no object, to which I answered, time. Power isn’t financial resources, status or influence over others; power is the degree over which you control your own life, and right now you are powerful. Trust me, this is as good as it gets and this is made all the better because you are old enough to understand and appreciate what is really at work here.

Women are damaged goods for you now? So what? You have the freedom to sample as indiscriminately or as particularly as you choose. Can’t find a good LTR? Why would you want to?! Let her find you! You fear you’ll end up old and lonely? I’d fear ending up so paralyzed by a fear of loneliness that you’d settle for a lifetime of controlling misery in a passionless marriage.

I’m an adherent of the ‘build it and they will come’ school of thought in this regard. Women should only ever be a compliment to a man’s life – never the focus of it.

Is it better to choose the path of least resistance to get to an idealized, prefabricated intimacy or self-develop and get the same intimacy? True, both instances put women as the focus of a Man’s life, and this is a position that most women will find endearing at first, but suffocating in the end. Women want to ‘want’ their men. Women want a Man who other men want to be, and other women want to fuck. She doesn’t want a slave to her intimacy since this puts her in the masculine role. Rather, she wants a decisive mature man who has the confidence to put her off, to tell her ‘No’, in favor of his ambition and passions as this serves two purposes. First, it sets his direction as the one of authority and his development as the primary; the results of which she and her potential children will benefit from. Secondly, it puts her into a position of chasing after him – essentially his legitimate ambitions and passsions become the ‘other woman’ with which she must compete for his attention.

Note that I stated ‘legitimate’ ambitions here. A woman involved with a law student or an intern who have the potential to become lawyers and doctors are fairly solid bets for future security. An artist or musician, no matter how talented or committed to their passions will only be viewed as beneficial if they can prove their case to select women. However this can be offset by singleminded determination, once again, with select women with a capacity to appreciate this. This said, think about the fellow who’s chosen to be a plumber or a mechanic as his calling. The best plumber in the world is only going so far unless he has dreams to own his own business.

All of this is limited by a man’s attitude towards the opposite sex. Women are dream killers. Not because they have an agenda to be so, but because men will all too willingly sacrifice their ambitions for a steady supply of pussy and the responsibilities that women attach to this.

So yes it is better to develop yourself rather than take the path of least resistance. That’s not to say don’t sarge until you’re out of college, in your 30s and have your career in order. It is to say don’t consider monogamy until you are mature enough to understand it’s limitations and you’ve achieved a degeree of success to your own satisfaction according to your ambitions and passions. It is also to say that women should compliment and support your plans for your own life.

Published by Rollo Tomassi

Author of The Rational Male and The Rational Male, Preventive Medicine

48 comments on “Dream Killers

  1. Your last line says it all. Find a woman who will support your dreams. Don’t forget support does go both ways in a good relationshp.

  2. I am going to print this out and give it to my Son when he turns 13. He is 4 now.

    I hear the things my Dad said to me when I was a dumb ass kid, and I wish I would have listened.

    When I told him I was moving with a girl at age 19, he said that I should wait, because as I get older, more successful and accomplish more things, better women will be available to me.

    And man was he right. but what the fuck did I know about anything, and I didn’t listen.

    When my mom told me that I could “do better” when I got married at 25, god damn was she right.

    When the same (future ex) wife wouldn’t move to NYC when I got my job offer as an investment banker in 2002, I shoulda killed HER instead of letting her kill my dream.

    Damn, all the things I did wrong over the years.

    I’m finally doing it right this time I think…but I’m sure in 5 years I’ll see it all wrong too.

    Nevertheless, I’ll be sure to pass this and other sentiments on to my Son, whether he listens or not is another story.

  3. This brings to mind 3 younger guys I know from work. They are all in their early 20s, and two of them being married. The unmarried one is doing the best financially, working lots of overtime, and even paid cash for a house with money he earned while working overseas for a year. The married ones are both living in apartments supporting their wives who don’t work. I saw the one married guy at the grocery store the other day with his chubby wife and baby daughter. Wife was pushing the cart while gabbing on the cell phone, he was trailing behind forlornly carrying the baby.

  4. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to have a girlfriend. It adds an extra dimension to your emotional capacity.

    I think it would weird girls out a bit if you met them at 35 and never had a serious relationship..

    1. it’s okay to have a girlfriend. just make sure you have a few others as well.

      what’s a ‘serious relationship’? monogamy? living together? paying for her shit? knocking her up?

      the thing is, if you game a girl correctly and frame your ‘non serious’ relationships the right way, the girl won’t really care about the details.

  5. In this age of hypergamy run amok, you MUST either be fucking other women or at least have the status that would lead her to believe that you might (or could) be fucking other women.

    The good news is that hypergamy is a double edged sword that can also be used by a man to keep a woman in check. The same psychological response that can cause her to lose attraction toward you can be turned around and leveraged to increase attraction. It’s all about ensuring that she understands that you have options and are not afraid to exercise them. Seduction is ALL about demonstrating higher value relative to her and to other men. If she is constantly being challenged to ensure that she doesn’t lose you to someone else, she isn’t going to have the time or the energy to find someone to replace you.

    1. Agreed. With regard to the man I’m involved with, I know that I have to, for lack of a better term, “stay in my place.” Because I’m well aware that if he isn’t with me, it can surely be someone else. A woman should not detract from a man’s life, but add to it.

  6. The other aspect to this is that girls don’t mind if you have another girl…you just need to be up front about it to the next girl and they very often accept the seduction on the premise that spending time with you is “getting to know you”….

    Girls who know I’m seeing someone rarely balk at meeting up.

    The ones who do are too much work anyway…

    1. Good point, although I would argue that the mere implication that you are seeing other women might be more to your advantage than the actual knowledge that you are seeing other women.

      A woman’s imagination is a powerful thing. Ambiguity is your friend.

  7. Another great, well written post. This is hands-down my favorite blog in the manosphere.

    Now, Rollo, you speak about how fiercely independent young men (in their 20s) show so much eagerness towards settling down with their “dream girl” in a beta cocoon of bliss. And how you think this is ultimately bad for them. My question is, is there a way any guy in his 20s could entertain having a monogamous relationship with a girl, all while developing himself as a person and fending off any signs of one-itis that might develop?

    I’m asking because up until recently I was with this girl… I discovered game and the manosphere early in our relationship, and quickly proceeded to run it on her to establish my Frame. She’s not my dream girl, but she’s got a huge heart, which I more often than not value over everything else (she’s all right on the looks department) The fact that she was not a dream girl in any respect, just a really good one who made me happy, kept me off the clouds and I didn’t find it at all difficult to tell her “Sorry, I’m not seeing you tonight. I’m going out with the boys” or “Listen, I think you’ve been dressing sloppily lately, and I don’t like it one bit”

    So it was a good relationship, where the sex was almost on demand, no nagging on her part, only adoration, lots of support, we loved being with each other… and I decided to end it, because deep down inside I had this annoying idea that I shouldn’t be committing to one girl and living the “guy in couple” life at 22 years of age. So I ended things, and now I ache for her.

    Now that things are over I can’t help but think that maybe I could/should have searched to develop myself without having to drop her. I might not have had the opportunity to meet more girls, but I don’t know just how satisfied I’d feel out of being able to do so. Besides, the fear of rejection is my soft underbelly, and I also have an enormous fear of being a lonely old man. Do I have to face these fears and become a Man by myself? Could I become a Man while in her company? Do you have any thoughts on this?

    1. As a woman, my advice to you is to simply move on. No one said this dance of attraction was easy and god knows this shit hurts sometimes. But are you prepared to develop the mental strength and clarity necessary to not succumb to these very temporary bad feelings? Do you have the tenacity and perseverance necessary to make some difficult decisions in order to realize your potential and not betray your future self?

      I sure hope so. And I feel you will benefit from resisting going back into a relationship with a girl you don’t see as the best you can attract. The more you success you attain, the greater the disparity between you two and the greater your contempt will surely be, thus the less happier she’ll be. Also, crawling back to her after you dumped her may even lessen your status in her eyes. Ultimately this is your choice, but keep in mind you’re so young and there’s (hopefully) so much more in front of you than behind you. There are a number of women out there that you can meet and be equally, if not more, compatible with. Build it and they will come indeed.

      Rollo, well done. I’ve always advised my brothers that when they go to college to avoid the hell out of any woman who’s trying to leverage the prospect of consistent sex against them for their unwavering commitment at such an extremely young age. I emailed this to my brothers with hope that when they do decide to be in a “serious relationship” it will be because they’ve gained an adequate amount of experience, success, autonomy, emotional intelligence, and confidence as opposed to a decision influenced mainly by sex, convenience, and ONEitis.

        1. Haha it’s funny how even after reading all this stuff, if I don’t pay attention, I end up blurting out “dream girl” even though, as you say, they don’t really exist.

          Anyways, thanks for your words, loveiseasy.

    2. The only examples that I’ve seen of young men coming into their own in a one on one relationship were already alpha with enough beta traits thrown in to be in a marriage. (NOT an ltr or serial monogamy). The women were naturally feminine and supportive. It’s very rare to find the right woman at such a young age. Rarer still to want to marry at a young age.It can fast track you career wise and manhood wise. Otherwise,no. You’ll get distracted, and you’ll waste a lot of years getting frustrated.

      So, yeah, it can happen. Your odds are better following the advice in the post.

  8. I spent the years 16-27 in a LTR with a man much older than me. I left him because his chronic unemployment bothered me more at 27 than it did when I was a teenager.. How foolish I was to squander my years of prime feminine power! I’m still attractive – for my age, of course – but I am undeniably older. Power wasted due to ignorance and the asscociated murdered dreams are not solely a male experience.

  9. One of the best things ive ever read on the manosphere. You dont know how bad i needed to read something like this.

  10. This just set us back 70 years…. You have to be kidding me, this should be reversed as well and men can be called dream killers since the beginning of time. Women are looked at sexually before intellectually, (because you referred to them as pussy with responsibilities that come with it) instead of looking at women, as a another individual with, with professional and personal goals… I mean sure I man could have more power alone, but he could have power, sustainability, support, and motivation with a good woman by his side…. And if a man can’t stay with a good woman, and progress his self, so he blames the woman, he is weak. Everybody needs to strive to become better professionals, better individuals and better spouses. Two heads will always be better than one, and no man can ever do it alone.

  11. When guys are young all our energy is directed at Chasing women and getting laid. It takes discipline and influence to keep us focused. However once we mature and desire to do something more in life we are already saddled with families and obligations.all the becomes important is her dreams and desires while the mans are thrown aside. We are expected to drop everything to tend to her wants. There is no understanding of the long hours and sacrifice involved to create something a man truely believes in even when the purpose is to make home life better. Instead we hae tv shows with women yapping about their wants with zero regard to a guys feelings. Steve Martin in the movie parenthood said “women have choices men have resposibilities”. The west caters and panders to girls and women starting in the way kids are educated. Western women complain instead of realizing how bad women in the east are treated. Boys in the west are being girlyfied by society and do not allow men to be real MEN!

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  14. Many years ago I met a very smart thirty something guy who was doing a PhD in a top rank university in something related to Biology. He was doing very good progress with his research; he was getting good results, good publications and prestige. Before he ended his PhD studies he abruptly left them in order to move to another city to live with his “Oneitis” an old, fat, ugly single mom, mother of 3. It is a waste of talent because as far as I know he now survives by doing some shitty jobs. Regularly, he posts pictures in Facebook about how happy he is with his “Oneitis”. The sad thing is that you can clearly appreciate the repulsion that his ugly and fat sea cow feels for him.

    The lesson to learn for young guys is:

    III. You shall make your mission, not your woman, your priority

  15. Women are dream killers Rollo in the literal sense. Their needs are more important than yours. Your needs are something she’s sacrificing for. Of course, when their sacrifice stress them out, it will be your fault, but when you tell her to stop the lose-lose game, they get angry for disrespecting their loss. Feeling primary world it is.

    To women, if you say botch up, the emotional mind automatically thinks, “If he loved me, he wouldn’t be imperfect.”

  16. Women serve another dimension of life basically. This was once upon a time not a bad thing because it gave man a purpose beyond himself to work harder (because men really have few needs outside their main mission) and serve society’s growth as well.

    Now-a-days that dimension of life is in such shambles that a man is just signing himself up for divorce rape and it’s not worth it, unless he really intends to pass his genes on and has a second life totally planned for. At which point the law of diminishing returns hits hard.

    Every man I have ever know tells me how much harder it is to be as productive as before once marriage and kids come along — I’ve been there myself. You’ll be lucky if you can simply get exercise in the morning. Literally anywhere between 1/2 and 2/3rds of your life will be consumed up in the process – if you need to take the risks needed to reach your goals, it’s 10x harder to do so with a woman’s commitment to deal with.

    And even if you do try, the results won’t be as productive. Very few people can get the power of 2 to work in their favour, and that’s only possible when both parties have the same goals and missions.

  17. Bobbol9b

    You trolling?

    Take specifics to the field reports section.


    Emotion is straight BP bullshit… You are your M PoO. No emotion in that unless you are needy. Which means you aren’t your MPoO.

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