Romance according to Tomassi, A Field Report
Oddly enough this happened last weekend so it’s still pretty fresh in my head. Friday night I was going to meet up with my partners for a holiday drink promo, but due to a scheduling error we cancelled it. Rather than call my wife to tell her I’d be coming home (which would only make her expectant of me), I waited until I was about 2 blocks from my home to call her on my cell phone. I said to her, “I’m thinking about doing something, if I blow off this thing tonight, I want you wear that hot, white lingerie I like when we fuck.” (presume the sale) I could tell I’d caught her off guard and I was telling her we were going to have sex later that evening (no asking permisson or “can we please fuck tonight?”). She laughed and said “uh sure,..”, this was right as I pulled into my driveway and I still had her on the phone when I walked in the door and said “OK, here I am.”
Our daughter was at a friend’s place so I made martinis for us and purposely only had a light one for myself. I used C&F on my wife while we chatted on the couch. Now, she’s used to this from me, but because I’d prefaced the evening with giving her the impression that I was taking time away from other things to come home and knock it out with her. She was eating it up and mirroring my advances back to me. I never saw the lingerie that night because we were too busy going at it right on the couch and then moving to the bedroom. I kept up the C&F while we were at it and there was no “let me get cleaned up before we do it” there was no “we better hurry it up so I can be asleep by 10:30″ – it was Game On and we had some fantastic sex all because I was setting the frame.
This is how you “keep it fresh.” Understand, this is the same woman I married 16 years ago. There were no roses, there was no ‘date night’, no wine or a candle lit dinner. There were martinis in my home and me setting the frame. And Monday I brought her a few flowers to reinforce a desired behavior.
Primary Focus
There’s a part in American Beauty where it looks like Kevin Spacey’s character is going to actually reconnect with his sexually ambivalent wife (actually she’s cheating on him, but we don’t discover this until later). They’re getting hot and bothered with each other for the first time in a long time on a very nice (and apparently expensive) couch.
This is significant because the guy and his wife are on the verge of divorce due to their lack of a sex life and for the first time in a long time she genuinely responds sexually for her husband, and you think for a moment there’s some hope for them.
As they get more into it his wife becomes fixaed on her husband’s hand holding a beer and almost spilling it on the couch that they’re on. He is totally focused on her, kissing her and not thinking about the beer in his hand. Her eyes are locked on the beer though until he finally notices what is distracting her from him – the beer.
He tries to take her mind off it by focusing more on her, and she becomes even more concerned that he’ll spill beer on the couch while they’re going at it. She says, “Lester you’re going to spill beer on the couch,..” he says, “it’s just a couch,..” she then gets indignant about how expensive it is and then he yells, “IT’S JUST A COUCH!”
Do you see what this gets at? This is the real challenge of marriage. Making desire and passion go beyond the mundane. That is what needs to be kept fresh in the face the routine. Single people in the throes of passion don’t care if a bottle of wine is spilled on the carpet in the process, married people do. Most marriages aren’t destroyed from the outside, but rather the inside. External temptations are easy to resist; it’s when it’s coupled with internal conditions that predispose us to it that it happens. Telling right from wrong is easy, determining right from right is difficult.
This is the perfect illustration of what marriage has become for most women – there is more attention directed toward externalities and little or none devoted to genuine desire. People experiencing genuine desire for one another don’t care about externalities. Nothing else exists to them but the object of their passion (and consummating it); there is no dirty laundry, no stain on a carpet, no neighbors who may hear them fucking, there is only them. Today’s couples don’t have a problem with trust or comfort or logistics, or even respect for the most part – what they have a problem with is desire. Men forget how to create it, women for get how to respond to it.
The New York Times had a recent article detailing the short shelf life of love (particularly in marriage). It’s essentially a fluff piece written by a woman obviously looking for an answer to her failing desire by expressing a similar lament for other women in her position. The irony of this article is that when men consider the biological / psychological reasons for why they want to bang other women, they’re shamed for lacking self-control or personal conviction. Let a woman do the same and it’s a new scientific discovery of self-enlightenment. I also thought the reframe about women actually being the more ‘novelty seeking’ of the sexes only lacquered on yet more irony.
Be that as it may, it’s interesting that the aspect of desire-killing familiarity is finally entering the popular consciousness in our feminine defined world. When you’re single, women love to prattle (mostly to betas and themselves) about how necessary it is for them to feel comfortable with a guy before having sex. Of course Alphas learn the lie of this earlier than most, but how telling it is then when the same comfort and familiarity that single women cry for is the marriage-killing factor that married women lament.
December 6th, 2012 at 10:57 am
I just watched the American Beauty clip, never saw the movie (might have to know..) and what it seems to me that happens on the couch is not directly something about desire, or materialism. It is something much simpler, it is a woman’s desparate attempt at lowering her buying temperature. Something we encounter in the field plenty of times.
She is noticably turned on, something that she probably hasn’t been in a while with her husband, so her first reaction when she realizes is to do something logical/mundane/anti-seductive and defuse the sweltering situation before it gets to sex.
If Spacey had just ignored her remark and refocused her attention on him, they probably would have had steamy couch sex.
December 6th, 2012 at 11:02 am
“Mina, I touched upon those socio-economic luxuries in a comment on this blog not too long ago. Another commenter in the same thread after me posted it a lot more eloquently than I did.” – Link please.
December 6th, 2012 at 11:10 am
How many feminists do you suppose are in Egypt today?
http://worldnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2012/12/05/15675200-men-dont-have-to-worry-about-being-caught-sex-mobs-target-egypts-women?lite
i think slutwalks would be a huge hit there.
December 6th, 2012 at 11:16 am
Mina, this is the comment I referred to.
http://rationalmale.wordpress.com/2012/11/07/system-failure/comment-page-2/#comment-11689
December 6th, 2012 at 11:31 am
Rousseau: The Patriarch of Matriarchy — Hell of an idea you have there Martel. Can’t wait to read it. So ya better write it.
December 6th, 2012 at 11:34 am
wow! good sh1t. anyone know where to find this CassMan person? Does he blog?
December 6th, 2012 at 11:39 am
I just read the entire comment and I am completely blown away. Can anyone please tell me how to contact CassMan? Thank you.
December 6th, 2012 at 12:02 pm
I appreciate every post in this comment thread, lots of food for thought….
I kept frame last nite for really the first time with my ONEItits. I didn’t tolerate her tardiness, and just went to the restaurant after giving her 10min of forgiveness. Texted her where I was going. She was completely flustered and called me asking if I was coming back to get her. I said “no why would I do that?” She showed up by bike, 10 minutes later and from that point forward I held frame, it set the tone of a good time, not bringing up her being late. But for dinner I didn’t get exactly what I ordered, thinking about this later, I fell back to BETA, should have returned it. Even in this regard its hard to break old habits, if she noticed it would have been the incongruence mentioned above about shit tests. I am using the ONE to enable, practice unplugging ALPHA traits, and have begun to try to get some plates on the stick…pressing on…
This is a little off topic, but relevant.
As I am getting sucked out of the matrix, I would like to also help educate some younger men in my life about it. But I believe the level of discussion involves or revolves around experience, before the reason for unplugging can be understood. Is there a primer that I could use to discuss this issue with these young men, or to help me frame the discussion?
Any ideas would be helpful.
December 6th, 2012 at 12:19 pm
BPaul: the manosphere is much bigger than much of what I’ve seen, but so far, as far as a way to frame Red Pill discussions with other, this blog is about the best I’ve seen.
I’m not exactly sure what you mean by “experience”, but there’s a ton of insight here on how the world actually works.
What I did when I discovered Rational Male is I scrolled through the archives based on the topic heading. Pick what grabs you, scroll through, and then pick another topic. Posts repeat, obviously, but the second time through, you can just skim.
So, you can absorb the info and share it if you want to yourself, or you can refer the others to either the specific posts you find most relevant, or just give them the address to the whole site.
Roissy is also a good intro, but he can seem a bit harsh to the unitiated. Rollo is more about the deeper foundations and Roissy more about the applications, but they complement each other well.
Hope that helps.
December 6th, 2012 at 3:25 pm
[…] Rollo – The Couch […]
December 6th, 2012 at 8:00 pm
“I used C&F on my wife while we chatted on the couch. Now, she’s used to this from me, but because I’d prefaced the evening with giving her the impression that I was taking time away from other things to come home and knock it out with her”
– HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU ARE SO CAUGHT UP IN YOUR RIDICULOUS BELIEFS THAT YOU ARE GETTING OFF ON THE IDEA THAT YOU ARE GAMING YOUR WIFE??????? WHOOOAAAAHHHH TEACH ME, BUDDY, TEACH MEEEEE!!!! DID YOU USE PUSH PULL TO GET HER TO GIVE YOU HEAD?
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OMFG I NEEDED THAT
December 6th, 2012 at 11:15 pm
I just want to add an endorsement of Heartiste (Roissy), but with a major qualification:
First, it is an ESSENTIAL daily read and also well worth the time going back and reading almost every post since the beginning, ESPECIALLY the key classic and most relevant posts (some indicated on the blog page, and others constantly re-linked by the Heartiste gang themselves. It’s not one dude, by the way, it’s several who write in the same style; but there is One True Boss who runs the show with unswerving authority.)
Unfortunately, although you will see comments by readers, the Chateau is not a discussion forum. Heartiste filters, deletes, and bans without warning or explanation, and the comment section is managed solely for the purpose of providing further entertainment to the hosts. Intelligently expressed disagreement will not get through unless it is silly at bottom and so does not really threaten the hosts (see for example the comments of “King A/Matt”). I suspect that they have taken on this ‘Dark Triad’ role a little too zealously, and so believe that this childish behavior reinforces their general attractiveness to women. Perhaps it does!
Nobody’s perfect. Heartiste is not a real man in the fullest sense, but as a teller of vital truths about men and women, no one can stand beside him.
December 7th, 2012 at 6:19 am
ASF:
But there is no mystique. It’s either unneccessary make-work, or it’s easy, or both.
And especially as we remember that it’s the women who usually have (or make for themselves) the more stringent standard for household cleanliness and order in a relationship. Of course largely stemming from the need to impress the local matrix of female friends, as a part of the ongoing nesting arms race.
I doubt that without this social element the need to keep up household appearances (in many ways) would be quite so manifested. Which of course, at the same time, is one more a shaming element against men, even though as a single carousel-rider she may have had a similarly under-groomed household…
Thomas Gray:
It is something much simpler, it is a woman’s desparate attempt at lowering her buying temperature.
Well, there’s a line you wouldn’t have seen in Ebert’s reviews for sure. Maybe there’s a call for red pill movie reviews — “let´s see, what he did wrong there was…”
December 8th, 2012 at 2:10 pm
I learned about this site from Sunshine Mary’s blog. This was my first time here and really enjoyed your article. Oh, and the fact that you posted a clip from American Beauty, my favorite movie of all time didn’t hurt either.
December 10th, 2012 at 3:57 pm
About 90% of the posts written on Chateau Heartiste are written by the original Roissy. (some people say “some right-wing guy eventually took over”. no, that’s the original Roissy too)
August 21st, 2013 at 10:19 pm
[…] The Couch […]