The girl that LJBF’d me, that I’ve been friends with for 10 years…I just messaged her again. I told her point blank that I need a harsh rejection, and I need to hear it from her. I told her I’m never going to be able to bury this unless she tells me the truth. So what I told her was, if this is the truth, say this back to me, or say it back in your own words:

“I’m not interested in you, I never was interested in you, we’re never going to be together, there was never a single chance that we were going to be together, there was never a single time I ever wanted to be more than friends with you, we always had fun but to be honest the idea of ever doing anything sexual with you or even making out with you really freaks and grosses me out and makes me feel disgusted, just….no, not years ago, not now, not ever. I’m sorry that you wanted more and I don’t, but I don’t, I never did and never will, and you need to get over it.”

After her telling me she was my friend and would be here for me (telling me in her own words instead of saying what I said, or being harsh), I told her to just copy and paste that back to me if it was the truth because if she kept saying she wanted to be friends, I was going to take that as a sign that she might still want more with me, and that I could never bury it unless I knew the bitter truth.

She resisted for a while. But I kept telling her my case, and then she copy and pasted what I wrote to her and sent it right back to me.

I said “thank you,” and now I’m heading out to work.

I feel like absolute shit, but not anywhere near as bad as thinking about her and hoping there was something there. Writing out the worst case rejection, as harsh as I could come up with, and then giving that to her…

…I made her own up to her rejection of me. She would never have sent that back to me if she had any feelings for me or had any trace of wanting to be with me. She was just afraid of hurting me and didn’t want to own up to her complete rejection of me because it made her uncomfortable.

I know she didn’t want to tell me that. But that’s how she felt. I assumed the worst and I was right. But I feel so much better knowing that there really was nothing ever there and that thinking about it like there was is completely useless.

Funnily enough I do really appreciate her doing that. And as awful as it feels, this is what I needed in order to bury this and move on with my life. Get rid of all traces of doubt and wondering and just take the sword to the heart so you can put an end to the suffering and move on to the next life — the new version of yourself.

I actually *was* devastated but that’s part of the process. I had a great talk with my friend today. He set me straight in a direct but gentle way. He’s her brother and basically told me that my perception of her was not real — I was dancing with my perception of her, which was her silhouette — which really meant I was just dancing with myself.

She would probably just be playing Xbox and pulling gum off of her shoe while I was confessing my love to her.

I had to laugh. He was in a similar situation with another girl. Talking about it helped a lot because we both intellectually understand what’s going on, but it’s just the emotional charge that makes it feel real, and so hard to deal with.

He has no emotional charge with my stuff. I have no emotional charge with his stuff. So then we can rationalize and think very clearly and then just laugh and do whatever we want and it’s like this giant weight was lifted off my chest.

A lot of people like me have fallen in love with his sister. His response is just, “Yeah, have fun with that.” I have a sister a lot of guys like so I know what it’s like. I’m like “Yeah….she’s great, huh.” Not that she’s a bad person, but growing up with her, I have absolutely no biases. All I can say is “Yeah, have fun with that.”

The horrible turmoil I was in was very real. But it’s mine. Talking to him today helped a lot because it pulled me out of it — along with reading this post. I really needed this major slap in the face to realize what was going on. I have been qualifying MY ENTIRE LIFE. I have been giving away the frame MY ENTIRE LIFE.

I literally almost killed myself after she rejected me. That’s a problem! I’ve had suicidal tendencies more or less my whole life. But now that I made it through that — and rejection is a major trigger for wanting to commit suicide for me — it’s a chance to clear it out.

I still haven’t spent time thinking hard about what *I* want. Complete self-interest. Stop the projections, the fantasizing. I just imagine my intense “love” for my ONE-itis as a mirror floating in space. I then imagine it shattering into pieces, along with space — and then there’s a giant field in front of me. And I can do whatever I want. I just have to answer the question: What *do* I want?

The worst part of LJBF and the whole “friendship” leading up to it is our own selves. Tormenting ourselves. Qualifying, begging, pleading, whether directly or covertly, instead of desiring, pursuing, and getting. Whatever it is.

I felt so broken up because I felt like my whole world was shattered. And you know, it really was. My inner world that I was operating from. It’s new and exciting — a new world to create, a new world to operate from, a new version of myself.

I feel like I lost something major. And I did. You can only hold one thing in your hands. If you’re holding onto a frustrated ONE-itis that is bearing no fruit and hurting you, if you’re holding onto rejection and abandonment and self-hatred…you can’t hold onto all the good stuff like fun and the freedom to be whoever you want to be.

This whole experience was so distressing to me it just made approaching girls, one of my chronic ‘phobias’ (I decide now that I’m no longer going to have that “phobia”), seem like child’s play. A little splash of cold water in the face and I feel like I just woke up.

LJBF is a gift. One we hopefully learn from and never have to receive again. But it’s a nice slap in the face that can wake you up to the fact that you have been neglecting yourself and depriving yourself of living a life you want to live. The pain is telling you that you need more love and respect from YOU.

Thank you