This was pretty much me, in fact if this is posted in wikipedia somewhere I bet my profile pic is next to it :)

– But I’m committed to peeing standing up :) and teaching my kids by showing them all of the mistakes I’ve made by trying to please and make a woman happy while not taking my own happiness into consideration (let alone putting it into the #1 priority spot where it should have been all along).

Time will tell if I do a good job with them by doing a good job with myself first – fingers crossed.

Lately I am discovering that I must learn to accept that I will always be similar to my father, and that his capabilities for anger and rage will never go away. I have had my moments where I’ve “lost my mind” and I have never laid a finger on someone who didn’t deserve it. Oddly enough, my first really aggressive fight ever, was with my father, and I nearly knocked him unconscious with one hit, then repeatedly stopped myself from continuing by shouting over and over to him “I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to hurt you. Stop please.”

My words were not heard, and I wound up getting lifted off the floor and bashed into the wall creating a ‘me’ sized hole with one of his arms around my neck. I had to damn near break his arm to get him to let me go. Needless to say, I didn’t live at home for a week, and pretty much haven’t ever spoken with any love for my father since then. That was 10 years ago. Ever since then, I’ve been a lot more comfortable with myself, but it still bothers me.

I have actually really been delving into this problem head-first for the past few months. Even with solid proof that I was able to control myself, I still fear the loss of control. I believe I will find a peace in this problem sometime soon. It is… relieving, to know that I am not alone, per se. My father, I think, was not a bad man. I think he just never fully learned to conquer and control his outbursts of anger, and never grew up. He had an abusive mother that dished out things ten times worse than anything I ever got, even though I don’t consider that an excuse, I still “get it”. I love my mother, but think she is a fool for staying with him, and have no pity when she talks about all the horrible things he says to her and how little he does and is immature, etc.

I tried to save her, several times, and it got me deeper in the hole. Sounds cruel, but I had to give up and cut ties in a lot of ways. But ever since I left, I’ve had a much more prosperous life.